regret
Have you ever done something so bad that you wanna kill yourself? I'm so ashamed of what I've done I can't tell you what it is it's so embarrasing. Don't worry it's not so bad that it's something criminal that you need to report me on but still... it's bad. Irrespectively, I don't feel like a decent person anymore. I might never be the smartest, funniest or best looking guy you'll ever meet but at least until recently I could say I was genuine, trustworthy, honourable, respectful and decent. I could hold my head up high knowing that deep down I knew I was a good person. Well that's changed now and I don't have those words left to hold onto to describe who I am anymore. If I'm not a decent person anymore then what's the point of going on? I wish I could say it was just a mistake that I could learn from and move on but unfortunately I was aware of what I was doing at the time. It was premeditated. it was deliberate. noone tricked me into doing it. and it certainly didn't happen by accident. I'm not insane so I can't use that as an excuse. I did something that wasn't right and I can't undo it.
I feel as though if I made an effort now to be good again it'd all be in vain. I'd feel like a fraud. But then of course I'd hate myself furher if I didn't try to be good but then... I know deep down that part of me is gone. That really good person is now gone.
I regret a number of things I've done in my life but most of those things I could pass off as being a silly/dumb kid. things like crashing a car, allowing things to be stolen from my parents' place, etc etc those things are stupid and show how immature and irresponsible I was at the time but it wasn't a mark against my good nature. Those are the silly immature things you can grow out of, the type of things a lot of teenagers/young adults might end up doing. Those types of things are careless mistakes.
This... is different. This is what real regret feels like.
I feel as though if I made an effort now to be good again it'd all be in vain. I'd feel like a fraud. But then of course I'd hate myself furher if I didn't try to be good but then... I know deep down that part of me is gone. That really good person is now gone.
I regret a number of things I've done in my life but most of those things I could pass off as being a silly/dumb kid. things like crashing a car, allowing things to be stolen from my parents' place, etc etc those things are stupid and show how immature and irresponsible I was at the time but it wasn't a mark against my good nature. Those are the silly immature things you can grow out of, the type of things a lot of teenagers/young adults might end up doing. Those types of things are careless mistakes.
This... is different. This is what real regret feels like.