Walked through my old neighborhood tonight...
I realized that they were destroying to rebuild. The sidewalks torn up made into dirt paths. Warning signs planted into random places. The asphalt groved, bumpy, uneven... the block looked a mess. But I knew this was all part of a process. Destroy to rebuild. If you try to grow or expand or fix on top of something that was wrong in the first place then you just get the same result. I've been trying to fix myself for a while now. I was tired of not feeling right. I was tired of being in the wrong. This type of feeling left me in the red. I was on a path where I was losing more than I was gaining. I hurt too many people. What they don't know is that for everyone I hurt or lost just gave me another reason to resent myself, giving me another reason to change. As much as I've tried to be better as a person tonight I kinda ended up feeling like I lost what made me... me. I couldn't explain myself. I couldn't find reason in my actions. My words were unintelligent. I felt like I was lacking so much. Maybe I was giving myself too much credit for at least trying to be complete or just for starting over... I'm just that uneven road that people cautiously travel. I do things so wrong. I take the wrong direction so many times. Why can't I just learn? I mean, that's what you're supposed to do with mistakes, right? Well, I'm a let down, I don't live up to what I should be, I'm a bad friend, I'm loyal when it's convienent, I only see the other side of things when it benifits me, I only find logic in my actions and refuse to see anything more. I'm sorry to everyone that has fallen "victim" to my bad side. I want you all to know I am trying so hard to sacrific him for the sake of keeping you. I want love. I want to feel whole. I want to be missed. I want to be desired. I want to be happy and safe. How did I loose so much in so short of a time? Why am I so scared to type all these words? Why do I wanna act strong when I know that I'm not? There is no reason to give into that lie. Why do I want so badly to be something other than what I am. I regret so much and I don't want to. I want a home again. I want arms and words to embrace me like they used to. I'm sorry I'm so lost. I can't give anyone I know what they deserve. I want to just go away till I'm that beautiful city block that people get to travel safely and enjoy...I'm almost begging for it.