Mar 19, 2006 01:03
When you are feeling the best you have ever felt before in your life, there is only one place that it can go, and it certainly isnt up - at least not for me. I have been caught in the grip of a near crippling depression for the better part of this week. I have little to no appetite, I dont want to go out with friends, I havent gotten groceries and my house is nearly empty of food, except for rice and beer and candy - hardly a nourishing meal. I have brought this all on myself, and in the small moments of clarity I see how stupid this little snit I am in is. So in those moment I try my best to stay out of it, but something ultimately drags me back down.
Last night (or friday night) was St Patricks day, usually a great day / night for me. I always get together with family and/or friends and we all have a great time. This year it got all bollixed up, and I ended up just bar hopping with some people from work. While it was kind of a fun time, it was not was I had planned on or looked forward to. The people I was supposed to go out with never filled me in on the where and when, and normally that isnt a problem, but the things ive been battling (and losing) this past week left me feeling especially capricious, so I just backed out of going. I made up a plausible excuse and didnt go. I know it is cutting off my nose to spite my face, but at the time I didnt give a shit, I hated not knowing what was going on until the very last minute and I just said fuck it, Im out this year. Looking back, maybe I should have just gone, but I dont know. And that is part of the problem, I overthink things instead of just doing something, and putting it behind me. I have a very difficult time compartmentalizing, and I know I am especially sensitive at times, and it is just crippling me.
"I scream love songs into the abyss, it laughs back at me"
more to follow at some point, I lost my train of thought.