My Review of the Twilight Movie
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
I saw this last month, and as a pleasant change from discussing the current bus strike, I thought I'd share some choice words about the movie... if you can call it that.
First, a disclaimer: if you happen to be a fan of this particular piece of cinematic drivel, I highly recommend you skip the following review. It will, in all likelihood, make you want to throw things either at me, or if I'm lucky, at your computer monitor. The bottom line is, I thought this movie was an utter waste of time and money, and deserves to be erased from the history books. Or, if history isn't so forgiving, it should go down in the books as one of the worst disasters since Plan Nine From Outer Space... that's how bad I thought it was.
On the other hand, Plan 9 is an excellent source of comedic entertainment, which is far more than I can say about Twilight.
First of all, it is my esteemed opinion that the director of this steaming pile of fetid horse manure felt so poorly about the finished product that he saw the need to shoot the entire film in blue filter, either to make it look like other, lesser failures of the genre (I'm looking in your general direction, Underworld!), or to draw attention away from the fact that the depth of the plot was equivalent to an infant's wading pool. What little character development actually existed was reserved for the two main characters, and even their dry delivery of their oft poorly written lines left much to be desired. Many of the supporting characters fell by the wayside once the overdrawn and poorly emphasized conflict was introduced about a third of the way in, and even this did not bear enough tension to make the ass-numbing story arc worth sitting through.
However, where the movie lacks in any kind of actual storyline or character development, it does make up for with the sheer number of absolutely pointless montages peppered throughout its unbearable running length. There's a montage for every single hole in the story, and a few extra ones thrown in for what appears to be nothing short of the hell of it.
I'm told the book is much better, but after having wasted God knows how much time in a theater with Lucifer knows how many weeping teenage girls, the book needs to have been written by Shakespeare himself if I'm to be convinced of its merit. True, it was targeted for that particular audience, but if this is the case, the movie most assuredly does not deserve to be touted as "the most romantic movie since Titanic". If this is true, then it has indeed sunken to the depths of the ship that was called unsinkable. A true humanitarian disaster of a film!
Ever since Anne Rice introduced the notion of the lovelorn Adonis turned human leech, the vampire has been romanticized to the point where it has become an idol of fantastical desire. Twilight tries to play to this modern stereotype and only succeeds in falling very short of the objective.
To put things into perspective, I'm the type of person who very rarely has something negative to say about a movie unless it is completely deserving of the full brunt of my ire, and the last time I was so vocal about the absolute propensity towards a film's awfulness was during the Powder fiasco of 1995.
If you have yet to bear witness to this film, my advice to you can be summed up in one simplistic word: Don't.
Love is the law, love under will.
-M
I saw this last month, and as a pleasant change from discussing the current bus strike, I thought I'd share some choice words about the movie... if you can call it that.
First, a disclaimer: if you happen to be a fan of this particular piece of cinematic drivel, I highly recommend you skip the following review. It will, in all likelihood, make you want to throw things either at me, or if I'm lucky, at your computer monitor. The bottom line is, I thought this movie was an utter waste of time and money, and deserves to be erased from the history books. Or, if history isn't so forgiving, it should go down in the books as one of the worst disasters since Plan Nine From Outer Space... that's how bad I thought it was.
On the other hand, Plan 9 is an excellent source of comedic entertainment, which is far more than I can say about Twilight.
First of all, it is my esteemed opinion that the director of this steaming pile of fetid horse manure felt so poorly about the finished product that he saw the need to shoot the entire film in blue filter, either to make it look like other, lesser failures of the genre (I'm looking in your general direction, Underworld!), or to draw attention away from the fact that the depth of the plot was equivalent to an infant's wading pool. What little character development actually existed was reserved for the two main characters, and even their dry delivery of their oft poorly written lines left much to be desired. Many of the supporting characters fell by the wayside once the overdrawn and poorly emphasized conflict was introduced about a third of the way in, and even this did not bear enough tension to make the ass-numbing story arc worth sitting through.
However, where the movie lacks in any kind of actual storyline or character development, it does make up for with the sheer number of absolutely pointless montages peppered throughout its unbearable running length. There's a montage for every single hole in the story, and a few extra ones thrown in for what appears to be nothing short of the hell of it.
I'm told the book is much better, but after having wasted God knows how much time in a theater with Lucifer knows how many weeping teenage girls, the book needs to have been written by Shakespeare himself if I'm to be convinced of its merit. True, it was targeted for that particular audience, but if this is the case, the movie most assuredly does not deserve to be touted as "the most romantic movie since Titanic". If this is true, then it has indeed sunken to the depths of the ship that was called unsinkable. A true humanitarian disaster of a film!
Ever since Anne Rice introduced the notion of the lovelorn Adonis turned human leech, the vampire has been romanticized to the point where it has become an idol of fantastical desire. Twilight tries to play to this modern stereotype and only succeeds in falling very short of the objective.
To put things into perspective, I'm the type of person who very rarely has something negative to say about a movie unless it is completely deserving of the full brunt of my ire, and the last time I was so vocal about the absolute propensity towards a film's awfulness was during the Powder fiasco of 1995.
If you have yet to bear witness to this film, my advice to you can be summed up in one simplistic word: Don't.
Love is the law, love under will.
-M