(no subject)
I had a dream about Jenna last night that was so intense it woke me up. I immediately started crying and could only convince myself to stop when I realized I couldn't actually remember the dream- just that it was about her. I remember the feelings of needing, wanting, and not getting. I remember sitting close to her, our legs touching but that's it. And I remember asking her if she was fucking anyone else yet and she just smiled. That's the moment I woke up. I think this is the first time I've cried over her in well over a month.
I boast to myself and others that I'm "so over it" but I'm not sure if I am yet. Well, at least not in all ways. I know she's not the one, or whatever. I hold no animosity towards her, if anything I admire her courage- because she was right. We weren't in love anymore, we weren't the loves of each others life like we thought we were, but I was happy. And had been for a long time. For awhile it was easy to remember the shitty stuff right at the end. Her selfishness and the way she hurt me in that last month. Her shit with this other girl, Fawn. I was able to focus on the bad, but its getting harder and harder as the months go on to not remember the whole year of wonderful, blissful love we shared.
I loved her so much that I cannot even explain it to you. And she loved me. She showed me everyday, she told me everyday.
It's hard now, to be alone. I shared every day with her. I shared everything with her. I never slept alone, I never went out alone, I never ate alone, I never danced alone, I never had to sit and watch a movie alone, and I never woke up from a terrible nightmare alone. I've said on numerous occasions that I never would have chosen to end the relationship now. I woulda beat that horse till I knew for sure it was dead. I had it so good, and I had everything I needed. I don't need that crazy-stupid in love passion. I need my best friend. My safety blanket. And she was so fucking good at being that for me.
I guess I need a new friend or lover or mentor or something. Someone to keep me company, to always want to be around me. I feel so broken when I'm alone. And I spend so much time alone these days. Ive always had a someone. A best friend most of the time, but still someone who would come over in the morning and not leave until I was falling asleep on the couch. All my friends now live a 15 to 30 minute drive away, depending on the friend and I haven't met anyone since the breakup that even remotely peaked my interest, romance wise.
I feel more like me when I'm with someone else, and thats fucking weird.
I boast to myself and others that I'm "so over it" but I'm not sure if I am yet. Well, at least not in all ways. I know she's not the one, or whatever. I hold no animosity towards her, if anything I admire her courage- because she was right. We weren't in love anymore, we weren't the loves of each others life like we thought we were, but I was happy. And had been for a long time. For awhile it was easy to remember the shitty stuff right at the end. Her selfishness and the way she hurt me in that last month. Her shit with this other girl, Fawn. I was able to focus on the bad, but its getting harder and harder as the months go on to not remember the whole year of wonderful, blissful love we shared.
I loved her so much that I cannot even explain it to you. And she loved me. She showed me everyday, she told me everyday.
It's hard now, to be alone. I shared every day with her. I shared everything with her. I never slept alone, I never went out alone, I never ate alone, I never danced alone, I never had to sit and watch a movie alone, and I never woke up from a terrible nightmare alone. I've said on numerous occasions that I never would have chosen to end the relationship now. I woulda beat that horse till I knew for sure it was dead. I had it so good, and I had everything I needed. I don't need that crazy-stupid in love passion. I need my best friend. My safety blanket. And she was so fucking good at being that for me.
I guess I need a new friend or lover or mentor or something. Someone to keep me company, to always want to be around me. I feel so broken when I'm alone. And I spend so much time alone these days. Ive always had a someone. A best friend most of the time, but still someone who would come over in the morning and not leave until I was falling asleep on the couch. All my friends now live a 15 to 30 minute drive away, depending on the friend and I haven't met anyone since the breakup that even remotely peaked my interest, romance wise.
I feel more like me when I'm with someone else, and thats fucking weird.