on belonging.

[anamacha]

I'm almost scared to write. I mean, I work in a call center. There's always the spectre of The Next Call hanging over my head. Thankfully I've been moved to a morning shift (0700 - 1600 for the curious) and that is currently far less busy than my previous 2d shift (that was 1530 - 0030). And I get to see my daughter more now, so it's good all '

Comments

[amaliadubois]

i can't remember who said it or what the exact words words were but i think it was mother teresa and it went something like: pay attention to those things that move you because thats where you're suposed to be.
my priest asked me what gives me joy and i couldn't answer. he wanted me to list the things that give me joy. it has taken me a long time. but new doors have opened.
what gives you joy? not pleasure...but joy.

[anamacha]

why did it take you so long to make that list?
and what, for you, is the difference between pleasure and joy?

[amaliadubois]

because i really didn't know. i was never happy and felt like something always missing and i went to confession about it because i thought it was a sin to feel this way, that i wasn't thankful etc you know. i didn't expect my priest to say that.
i didn't do art then, now i do. i take time for me now and discover myself and don't think thats wrong whereas before i guess for some reason i thought it was. i would feel guilty..

i think joy is where you feel good about life and being alive and is isn't confined to the moment. pleasure is usually about the moment - like eating a bag of oreos and watching tv. and there can be all kinds of other feeling tied up with pleasure like fear, guilt.. not saying pleasure is bad. just that its the things of joy you list that make a difference.

[anamacha]

ah, so you are religious? does this continue today? Do you find solace in it, and that sense of belonging that I'm talking about?

I think it's pretty much a lost cause for me; since childhood I have had real trouble believing in something I can't see or percieve (not trying to start an argument here; I now percieve divinity in nearly all thigns, especiallyh natural beauty)

[amaliadubois]

but it doesn't have anything to do with my religion. i don't fit in at all in church. or with the people there. i think its more about starting to draw a line between preconceived notions of how life should be and what i 'should' be doing vs. who am i really and what things make me happy to be alive. i think with 4 kids and thinking the house has to be clean and all these certain ducks need be in a row that i didn't know who i was and i didn't even know what made me happy. i used to think art would be a vain waste of time, now i realize its who i am. i allowed myself the adventure to dig into the sca for a while

[anamacha]

it's not that I don't believe in anything -- I just don't subscribe to any organised religion, because those seem to be largely predicated on the existence of a being that one is suposed to have FAITH in. Faith -- the belief in something that cannot be percieved -- was never my strong suit.

It just doesn't make sense to me to go to confession and such things, when you don't have the underlying base of belief. I mean, I was raised that way, I did go to confession and whatnot, but I never fel a sense of absolution and whatnot. Now it makes no sense to me because confession seems like a mechanism useful for allowing one to not take personal responsibility for one's actions.

Anyway.

[amaliadubois]

it so interesting how people are you know - cause see i was raised with no religion and always sensed there was a divine and felt that i must find it. and for me in confession its like a window opens in heaven to let healing and blessings flow forth into my life. but i also all my life feel like i have heard the morality and voice of 'god' in reading fantasy novels and such the church might disprove of :)

i think i know what you mean by faith now - and i don't place my faith in 'the church' but i see it as a way to God, an instrument and blessed by Him. but i have been led here. i will not argue with a buddhist or pagan and tell him he has to become catholic, but rather seek to learn what God/the divine has taught him through his 'religion' or practice or...whatever.

i don't believe in a 'light and fluffy god' who makes everything right and candyland so to speak... when we go to heaven we'll get everything we ever wanted. if that is the faith you talk of then i also am faithless.

[amaliadubois]

i reponded the way i did about 'not belonging' with finding joy - its that i overcame it (for the most part) not by finding a group i could fit into but by looking into myself and discovering who i am. i did that by looking for what brought me joy. and in doing this and knowing who i am lets me see how i fit into the bigger picture and with people. now i accept myself as kinda hermity and am ok with it whereas before i always fought and and forced myself to be social... hope i'm making sense. to put all this literally is challenging.

[anamacha]

makes perfect sense. thank you for the effort.