argh. brain thinking too much.
so not that it's anything new, but i'm thinking way too much about the rory situation. i want to see him, and spend time with him, but then i worry about being around too much. granted liam said rory would probably say something to him if that happened, but it's also possible that rory's just too nice to do that. i was talking with a mutual friend of ours about 'this guy' that i like and how i'm crazy about him and a short version of the situation. that even though i don't know where things will go, if anywhere, he'd be worth waiting for. she made a comment about the fact that my eyes light up when i talk about him. it reminds me of the line in amelie: "love's a great beautician" even though i don't think it's love.
on that, i keep ovaranalyzing how i feel. a small sample of the argument my brain is having with itself:
1)it is love
2)i want it to be love
3)i want him to love me in return
4)it can't possibly be love (that it's too soon or whatever) - the romantic in me doesn't care when i meet someone, it just thinks it knows, and maybe it does.
5)i don't want it to be love (because i'm scared of rejection and have a fear of being in the way, and if i love him and he doesn't love me, i'll be back where i started)
6)maybe it's love and he's acting strangely because he's scared too - love can be scary sometimes, especially if you feel so strongly about a person
it's asking a lot of someone to open up and be vulnerable - a person who is available enough so you can know the person and grow to love them is also a potential target for being hurt. and if someone knows you, they probably know how to hurt you. it's a calculated risk, and it's one that, when i think it's the path to follow, i dive in. and while reason suggests that perhaps i should guard myself more carefully, i will not live life in a shell, hiding from anyone and anything thing that might not be friendly. which is why the rory thing didn't really need a second thought. i just knew that caring about him was what would happen. and while it has moments of distress, it's well worth it. loving freely, well, it feels right when i do that. or it could be that i'm obsessive, flighty, and codependent. eh. ;)
cara (garrett's sister) who for all intents and purposes is a best friend and sister to me, says it's cute that rory and i get shy around each other when we first are in a room (well, the pub) together. i'm unsure of how close i should get when we're alone, so multiply that nervousness by about eight million, add in observers including family members, mutual friends, and other patrons, and you can imagine what i state i'm able to work myself into. i don't know how i should act around him. and i already had the "this is how i feel about you" converstaion with him. but the mixed signals are hard to gauge.
i go from this huge pull towards him, with the intricacies and intimacies that accompany meeting someone with whom you share a mutual interest. and then the uncertainty of him pulling back when it seemed that things were going well. i had grown rather accustomed to his wrapping his arms around me, and at least the last few times i've seen him, that's been limited to hugging goodbye. the physical desire for this man, by itself, would be maddening. coupled with the fact that he said he's attracted to me and cares for me, and i for him... i'm undone.
so i sit and think too much, filled with longing that may or may not be foolish. the part of me that feels most strongly is that i want things to work. slowly gaining his trust seems to be the best course of action. it's just hard to take things slowly because of how strongly i feel about him. all i really know for sure is that i cannot let this man slip out of my life. so what can do other than be a good friend to him, and let him know that he's safe with me?
my head is swimming with silly random thoughts of finding the so-called 'one' and then the conflicting thoughts debate each other again. one of my co-workers made a smack comment when i first started hanging out with rory, and put my first name with his surname, saying it sounded good. the giddly school-girl in me agreed, but the "i'm not getting married" part of me that's been around for as long as i can remember hushes that thought whenever it pops up. i have to admit, on a strictly linguistic level, the names go well together. why do i feel the need to smack myself around for thinking that?
i've been listening to 'grace' today. it suits my mood. and a few lines from a song on that album pretty well describe the insecurites i'm experiencing:
-i feel too young to hold on, but too i'm much old to break free and run
-sweet lover, you should have come over
-it's not too late
jeff buckley was fucking brilliant.
i have to keep finding these little things to occupy my brain and to not disasterize so much with thoughts of rory. it could turn out to be something amazing, as if the friendship already wasn't. wow do i not know what to do. i'm going to try not to be at the bar much the next few days. he could probably use a few days to breathe, and realistically, so could i. i just don't want to admit that to myself because of how much i like him.
i wonder if it's going to be obvious that i'm deliberately not going when he's tending bar. i have to stop in after work today, as i was invited for a special occasion, but then i have places to be other than the pub - a birthday party and a then show at a bar where i don't go unless friends are playing out. i feel like such a ninny. what i need to do is have another chat with liam at some point. if the few minutes we spent talking on tuesday made me feel better, i imagine a normal conversation might help considerably.
on that, i keep ovaranalyzing how i feel. a small sample of the argument my brain is having with itself:
1)it is love
2)i want it to be love
3)i want him to love me in return
4)it can't possibly be love (that it's too soon or whatever) - the romantic in me doesn't care when i meet someone, it just thinks it knows, and maybe it does.
5)i don't want it to be love (because i'm scared of rejection and have a fear of being in the way, and if i love him and he doesn't love me, i'll be back where i started)
6)maybe it's love and he's acting strangely because he's scared too - love can be scary sometimes, especially if you feel so strongly about a person
it's asking a lot of someone to open up and be vulnerable - a person who is available enough so you can know the person and grow to love them is also a potential target for being hurt. and if someone knows you, they probably know how to hurt you. it's a calculated risk, and it's one that, when i think it's the path to follow, i dive in. and while reason suggests that perhaps i should guard myself more carefully, i will not live life in a shell, hiding from anyone and anything thing that might not be friendly. which is why the rory thing didn't really need a second thought. i just knew that caring about him was what would happen. and while it has moments of distress, it's well worth it. loving freely, well, it feels right when i do that. or it could be that i'm obsessive, flighty, and codependent. eh. ;)
cara (garrett's sister) who for all intents and purposes is a best friend and sister to me, says it's cute that rory and i get shy around each other when we first are in a room (well, the pub) together. i'm unsure of how close i should get when we're alone, so multiply that nervousness by about eight million, add in observers including family members, mutual friends, and other patrons, and you can imagine what i state i'm able to work myself into. i don't know how i should act around him. and i already had the "this is how i feel about you" converstaion with him. but the mixed signals are hard to gauge.
i go from this huge pull towards him, with the intricacies and intimacies that accompany meeting someone with whom you share a mutual interest. and then the uncertainty of him pulling back when it seemed that things were going well. i had grown rather accustomed to his wrapping his arms around me, and at least the last few times i've seen him, that's been limited to hugging goodbye. the physical desire for this man, by itself, would be maddening. coupled with the fact that he said he's attracted to me and cares for me, and i for him... i'm undone.
so i sit and think too much, filled with longing that may or may not be foolish. the part of me that feels most strongly is that i want things to work. slowly gaining his trust seems to be the best course of action. it's just hard to take things slowly because of how strongly i feel about him. all i really know for sure is that i cannot let this man slip out of my life. so what can do other than be a good friend to him, and let him know that he's safe with me?
my head is swimming with silly random thoughts of finding the so-called 'one' and then the conflicting thoughts debate each other again. one of my co-workers made a smack comment when i first started hanging out with rory, and put my first name with his surname, saying it sounded good. the giddly school-girl in me agreed, but the "i'm not getting married" part of me that's been around for as long as i can remember hushes that thought whenever it pops up. i have to admit, on a strictly linguistic level, the names go well together. why do i feel the need to smack myself around for thinking that?
i've been listening to 'grace' today. it suits my mood. and a few lines from a song on that album pretty well describe the insecurites i'm experiencing:
-i feel too young to hold on, but too i'm much old to break free and run
-sweet lover, you should have come over
-it's not too late
jeff buckley was fucking brilliant.
i have to keep finding these little things to occupy my brain and to not disasterize so much with thoughts of rory. it could turn out to be something amazing, as if the friendship already wasn't. wow do i not know what to do. i'm going to try not to be at the bar much the next few days. he could probably use a few days to breathe, and realistically, so could i. i just don't want to admit that to myself because of how much i like him.
i wonder if it's going to be obvious that i'm deliberately not going when he's tending bar. i have to stop in after work today, as i was invited for a special occasion, but then i have places to be other than the pub - a birthday party and a then show at a bar where i don't go unless friends are playing out. i feel like such a ninny. what i need to do is have another chat with liam at some point. if the few minutes we spent talking on tuesday made me feel better, i imagine a normal conversation might help considerably.