[FIC] Not alone - Kingdom Hearts(/Final Fantasy VII)
Title: Not alone
Author: Anae
Beta: QttQ (Thank you so much, dear. My Leon belongs to you.)
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts (/Final Fantasy VII - Advent Children, with a squeeze. But just slightly and just for Zack.)
Characters/pairing: Leon/Cloud (Zack/Cloud)
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: As much as I wish I had Cloud (And Zack. And Leon.), I don’t. They belong to Square Enix. The last words are from Advent Children.
Summary: Just how much does it take for you to believe you’re not alone and there’s someone who cares about you? Is a talk to your dead friend enough? Or do you need to die first to understand?
A/N 1: Damnit, Cloud. You stole my heart and never gave it back.
…I suppose you never will.
A/N2: This one came to me some weeks ago. When talking about with a friend how we got into Final Fantasy VII etc. fandoms, I told her Advent Children was my first step. And after this talk, my thoughts ran in characters, making me realise that as many years ago as my awkward introduction was, I still love Cloud. And it’s been years. I’ve never held one character this dear for so long.
Being a fan as I am, I can’t but hope Cloud to realise he’s not alone and that he’s loved. Thus, this piece of fiction was created.
Hope you enjoy.
Feedback: Needed. I’m crossing the borders here, I’ve never written anything out of time-line. And, I’ve never written Cleon-fic on my own. (With QttQ yes, but on my own, no.) Neither have I ever written Cloud/Zack.
There was a gentle breeze on the field, playing with the petals of the beautiful flowers. No matter the direction, one could only see an undying field filled with delicate, white and yellow flowers. There were no clouds on the sky; it was all in the middle of a white mist. But the mist itself wasn’t the strangest thing in that place - those blooming, vividly colored flowers had a too mild scent to be located in a real world.
A pair of mako-blue eyes opened, looking around. Nothing seemed familiar. Yet, even without knowing where he was, he didn’t feel fear. The tension on his shoulders was gone, along with the all too familiar and painful ache buried deep inside his heart. The burden he had carried along with him so long, it was gone.
A young man was laying on the ground, turning his head from side to side to see the place. Not seeing anyone anywhere, he pushed himself up to a cross-legged sitting position, trying again, but to no avail.
The smoke of wondering cleared away as he glanced at the green ground, seeing a white, delicate flower - something close to a lily - between his fingers. The tightening knot in his chest didn’t appear like it was supposed to as the realisation struck him.
That church from long ago. Aeris.
This place wasn’t the Lifestream but something alike it, which was weird, he couldn’t remember ending up here -
A pained yelp escaped from the pale lips as the memories of past hours got their grasp on the blonde. Cloud squeezed his eyes shut as mako-enhanced blue flickered into cat-shaped blue-green. Before he could register anything, he was on his knees, holding his head with both hands. In that moment, the would-be SOLDIER appeared like he tended to feel; young, pained, lost, lonely, hurting. Vulnerable.
Cloud could feel Masamune piercing his chest again - he could feel how the darkness closed around him, pulling him into its arms, offering comfort of nothingness. He could hear it whispering empty promises of a better place into his ear. His own opinion did not matter, he had to fall. And then, in the very last moment of consciousness, Cloud could hear the scream of his friend, calling him by his name. But he was unable to answer; darkness had claimed him already. He was unable to tell older man to stay away, to stay safe so that the brunette wouldn’t die - so that it wouldn’t be blonde swordsman's fault.
Blue eyes opened again, back to their original colour and shape, watching the flower field but not really seeing it. His entire body was shaking, his breathing ragged. He should go back there to help them, to kill him or at least die trying. He couldn‘t bare the idea of losing someone again.
But then again, how would you get out? Being one with the Lifestream meant you were dead. No way back. But this wasn’t the Lifestream, this could be some kind of a border between life and death. Maybe he could go back, somehow.
“Aww, don’t look like that. It’s not the end of the world just yet.”
The blonde was on his feet in seconds, desperately searching for the owner of that voice. It wasn’t like it was the first time he heard someone like this, but this wasn’t Sephiroth taunting him inside his head. It was someone else, someone who he held dear. A person whose death he could never atone.
The blonde’s eyes focused on the only creature around - a big, grey wolf looking at him. It had been there before, that he was sure of. Looking closer know, Cloud could tell that the wolf wasn’t just big; it was huge. It was mostly dark grey, but there were brighter shades of grey on its cheeks and legs. But the most remarkable feature of the beast was its eyes. They seemed too bright, too focused and far too human.
“Zack?” Cloud almost whispered, his voice rough due to little use.
“Took you long enough”, the wolf almost snorted. It stepped closer, careful not to crush the flowers beneath its paws. Without realizing it, the young blonde dropped onto his knees before the wolf. As it approached him, he reached out. A hand touched the incredibly soft fur, fingers running trough it as the beast leaned into his touch.
Cloud had one thousand and one things to ask, things to say, but he couldn’t find the words. Zack - the wolf, whatever - seemed to understand and stayed quiet. It was something rare for Zack - and yet, even alive, being the bigmouth he was, he had known when to give the younger boy the time he needed. Moments passed, only the wind gently bending the flowers, stealing a few petals to play with.
Soon he was ready, those unnaturally blue eyes on the wolf again. “Why?” Was the only question he managed to choke out. Too many questions, too many things to say, too much things and no time to think - it was all just a blur in his mind.
The wolf seemed to roll its eyes. “Geez, not making this easy, are you?” Something akin to a smile, all too Zack. “Okay, why me or why you?”
If Cloud’s brain and mouth would’ve co-operated, he would’ve protested at the absurdness of the question itself. However, the co-operation was impossible at the moment and he could only manage a short, pathetic answer. “Both.”
The wolf sat down, sighing. There was no easy way out, but he disliked being the one to bring the bad news. The young blonde’s hand was still on its soft fur, stroking it, unwilling, scared to let go, but it didn’t mind at all. Its eyes were sad as it looked at Cloud. “You died, you know.”
A hand dropped down, nearly crushing the flower beneath and clenched into a tight fist. The head was bowed too, blonde spikes hiding the face. He should’ve known - no, he had known, had realised, but hadn’t wanted to believe. Someone would die again, someone he cared awfully lot about, and he couldn’t even try saving them. And it was his fault, all his fault. Again. Cloud lacked the energy to keep on fighting destiny, he was too tired, exhausted, just couldn’t do it anymore. If this was it for him, he was fine with it. But his only, silent prayer was that Sephiroth wouldn’t kill his loved one again.
Cloud was awoken from his thoughts as he felt something wet against his hand. Looking down, he saw the wolf gently poking his arm with its nose. The wolf’s eyes were on him, curious and worried. “You don’t remember?” He didn’t have time to ask anything before it continued. “You killed Sephiroth.” A pause. “Although the price was high.”
Cloud gaped, eyes never leaving the grey creature. Why didn’t he remember any-
He grabbed his head again, pain returning in a flash, changing his eyes, forcing him to look back again. But he could feel it, his Buster Sword ripping Sephiroth’s chest open, carmine red blood pouring, could hear his enemy’s cry of anger mixed with surprise and pain - just before the Masamune was showed through him.
The pain was gone as soon as it had started. It left him, letting him become a gasping, shaking mess. The wolf’s paws were on his knees, heavy. Its eyes were filled with worry. But it wasn’t panicking like any other person would’ve - if someone knew what Sephiroth had done to him, it was Zack. "You alright, Spike?”
That nickname. It was ages ago since Cloud last heard it, he had almost forgotten about it. It made him feel like he was that lonely, lost mountain boy from Nibelheim again, looking up at Zack who, despite his protests, had befriended him. Somehow, memories of that time brought just the smallest smile to his lips now that the agony of remembering didn‘t appear. The blonde patted the wolf’s head reassuringly, letting it know there was nothing to worry. “I’m okay.”
He ought to be happy, having defeated his darkness, having defeated Sephiroth, but yet, there was no sun shining, no bells ringing, nothing. Sure, it was a good thing that someone as malicious as the one winged angel was gone, but he could feel no joy. Zack noticed this, proving that the blonde’s body language hadn’t changed so much over the years. The wolf’s paws hit the ground again, letting blood circle in the young man’s legs again. Zack’s eyes were awfully serious, something that had never fitted him, as he was looking at his protégé. “Do you want to go back?”
“That isn’t possible. I died, Zack. Masamune pierced my chest.”
“Didn’t ask that. Besides, it's been showed trough your chest before, right? So, if you could, would you want to go back?”
Cloud was at a loss of words. Here, he wouldn’t need to live with the tightening knot in his chest, live with regret and the pain of memories, even the happiest ones, brought; there’d be no nightmares - he wouldn’t need to suffer constant pain and fear.
But still… He couldn’t chase away neither the ghost of that rare smile nor a memory of those lips on his.
The wolf barked a little, obviously gently laughing at him. “I take that as yes.” There was a knowing, teasing smile on its furry face. “He’s cute.”
Blonde’s pale cheeks coloured instantly. “Zack!” he protested, not wanting to hear he had been watched over by… A lump rose on his throat. In any other place, it would’ve hurt, but here the pain was non-existent even if the shame lingered. Cloud had to tear his gaze away from his old lover, being unintentionally reminded of the bond they used to share. “I…”
“Shush”, the wolf told him, not letting him continue. It was silent for a second. “Keep your eyes closed.” The wolf didn’t take no for an answer, didn’t wait, but there was no need to. It knew the blonde would do as told.
And Cloud did, only hearing a soft rustle on the flowers before he felt a warm hand brushing his cheek, pushing wild locks away. “I don’t want you to linger in the past”, the older one told him quietly. This Zack was more serious than he had been in life, but it was still the same person. “You need to move on.”
Cloud kept his eyes closed, fighting the urge to open them and see Zack as Zack, not as a wolf. “But…”
“No buts! I want you to be happy, Spike. And you have to forgive yourself. I didn‘t have any regrets, I still don’t. You shouldn‘t dwell on it either.”
Cloud felt a pat on his shoulder, a permission to open his eyes. Slowly those mako-blue eyes opened, only to be greeted by ones of a kind. He saw Zack, just like he was in his memories, a handsome, spiky raven-haired youngster with an aura of kindness and strength around him. With Zack, Cloud couldn’t chase away the young trooper boy in him. The part of himself that had been there before everything had went wrong. Cloud always hidden that part - the lonely child desperately searching for the acceptance of others - that still lingered in him, the part that wasn’t destroyed among his early memories. But with Zack, that boy was present, refusing to stay hidden.
The blonde had to fight the urge to wrap his arms around the older man and never let go - something he had never wanted to do in the first place. But instead he just stretched out his hand, just to touch Zack’s chest, just to feel that he was real, not just a dream. “I…” he started, without knowledge how to continue. He loved Zack, had always loved, but today, there was someone else he cared for so much, as well.
Zack chuckled warmly, his fingers shuffling through Cloud’s spiky hair - a familiar sign of affection the blonde had missed so much. “Don’t stress about it so much. I was worried you’d never get over me.” He searched the blue eyes, which the younger man had cast to the ground when trying to talk. Zack did not continue before he found those mako-enhanced eyes, showing so many emotions. “You deserve to be happy”, he stated, wanting the other to finally believe it.
Cloud had no answer to that, and when he tried to open his mouth to say something, Zack continued. “I’ll send you back. I don’t care what anyone might think, you deserve this and more.” He shuffled the hair, clearly having missed the gesture as much as his protégé. “Close your eyes, kid.”
The blonde did as he was told, again. Despite what Zack might say, he wasn’t so sure if he deserved yet another chance. Zack was the one who had given his life to save him, but never gotten anything in return. And he was doing it all over again. But Cloud was old enough to understand that Zack couldn’t just come back - if it would’ve been possible, the SOLDIER would’ve done it by now.
Thinking about it sent a familiar bang into his chest, leading to growing anxiety. Cloud had never had a chance to say anything about his feelings to Zack. The older boy had probably known about them, but believing and hearing it out loud were two different things. And now he was doing it all over again, being a coward and keeping his mouth shut.
Deciding he was done with thinking, Cloud opened his eyes, his hand wrapping around Zack’s neck and pulling him closer. His lips pressed firmly against the other's, and in seconds, the surprised SOLDIER’s lips moved against his. The men had shared this kind of intimacy - and more - in the past, but that was years, ages, ago. When they parted, they were temple against temple, feeling each other‘s hot breaths on their faces. “I love you”, Cloud whispered as he dropped his hand, voice barely audible.
Zack’s smile couldn’t have grown wider.
“Love you too”, he answered, his hand once more suffling through the blonde locks. The younger of the two closed his eyes, and felt a soft touch of lips against his temple. This was a final goodbye. Cloud knew it was a privilege to let go like this, having said and done everything they needed to. He didn’t tell Zack he was sorry, the older one knew that already. And Zack, it appeared, had never regretted saving his life, despite the price. But the price of freedom, it was high.
“Don’t forget that there are others who love you as well.” Zack’s voice was fading away, further and further, just like the scent of the delicate flowers. “And don’t forget that you’re not alone.”
When Cloud opened his eyes, it was dark. It took a while to figure out he wasn‘t laying on the flower field anymore, but on a bed. Come to think of it, the ceiling was familiar, and so was the soft bed beneath him. The blonde rolled a bit to see the room around him, the movement sending a jolt of pain from his chest trough his whole body. Biting his lip, Cloud managed to suppress a pained cry into a hiss followed by ragged panting.
The physical pain was back, and so was the knot in his chest. Back was every single negative feeling - the knot, the ache, the regret, the pain, everything - everything the white mist and scent of pure flowers had washed away.
Thanks to the mako, blue eyes were quick to accommodate to the darkness, and the blonde couldn’t fail noticing a figure sitting on a chair beside his bed. Well, not exactly on the chair, since the sleeping man’s arms were on the bed, his head resting on them. It wasn’t until that moment Cloud noticed that older man was holding his hand. Apparently he was high on drugs, unable to feel properly - just how much medicine was running through his blood to keep him from screaming in pain?
Seeing the older man sent a mixture of caring and regret through his heart. The blonde was not used to this, he did not expect to see the gunblader like this, even though they had shared a bed for while now. Neither of them were truly open about their feelings, both keeping a safe distance, too scared of hurting the other as much as avoiding to get hurt themselves.
And yet, here the gunblader was, asleep beside his bed. He looked terrible. By shortly glancing over the man, Cloud could tell that Leon probably hadn’t moved for days, barely slept or eaten for that matter. He swallowed a lump that rose in his throat. It hurt like hell, unintentionally hurting someone you cared about. Again.
Biting his lip, the blonde rolled carefully onto his side, watching his lover’s sleeping face, thinking about Zack’s words; That he was ought to forgive and live for himself. His thoughts were interrupted, however, since his movements were affecting Leon. The older man started to wake up, little by little, his dream-filled eyes slowly focusing on their surroundings.
“Hey”, Cloud quietly offered, gently squeezing the hand in his.
In that instant, the brunette was awake, head popped up, looking at the blonde. His eyes were reddish, dark shadows cast onto his handsome features. For a while, he only stared, his tired mind working on the situation. As realization hit him, a sigh escaped the gunblader’s lips, the tension leaving his shoulders. This was followed by a soft thud as his temple connected with the mattress.
Then that brown head popped up again, stormy grey eyes looking unnaturally blue, filled with concern, seriousness and frustration. “We thought you wouldn’t make it this time.”
“I did”, was the only answer Cloud could offer. He was sorry for putting everyone through his near-death - well, it had been death, but he was alive again because of Zack - but he had done what he needed to. Even if it had cost him his life, he had no regrets.
“Is that all you’ve got to say?” The fear of the last couple of days was morphing into anger now that no life threat was present anymore. He tried to keep his voice from shaking as the emotions he had somewhat successfully kept down finally rose up. “Everyone was mourning, ready to give up! You made the girls cry and probably even Cid, he’s just better at hiding it!” Leon angrily hissed, trying to keep his voice down, not wanting to wake anyone up.
Cloud was eyeing him carefully before giving a sign of surrender, looking at the floor.
“Sorry”, he mumbled, meaning it. He lifted his gaze again to see the gunblader having turned his head as well and looking at the wall on his left, eyes hidden behind longish brown locks. The hand holding his was gripping tightly, nearly bruising, with no intension to hurt, but with no intention of letting go. The tiniest smile rose to Cloud’s lips as he noticed it. Even if Leon was angry at him and acting cool, he was here, had stayed. He hadn’t given up even if darkness and death had claimed him.
As the clock ticked, Cloud patiently waited, pretending not to notice how Leon wiped his eyes.
The gunblader took his time and once he was done, he turned to look at his lover laying on the bed after being on the edge of death. As warriors, they lived on that edge, standing on the rocks. Beneath those rocks, there was deep, dark water, and the bottom wasn‘t visible. Cloud had taken a misstep, fallen down from a slippery rock, almost drowning in the dark water below. True, this wasn’t the first time when he got wet, but it was the first time he had fallen below the surface. But someway, somehow, he had managed to make his way back up again.
Leon breathed out, still blinking several times. “Don’t ever do that again”, he whispered, silently pleading.
His answer was a careful shake of a messy, blond head. “I won’t.”
Silence landed again, an invisible spider knotting its silver web. Neither of the quiet warriors dared to shred its corner for a long while. Cloud was the first one to talk, finally truly realising what he had achieved. “It’s over”, he breathed out.
Leon let out a long breath, also finally taking note of what was achieved through this awful experience. It truly was over now, Cloud didn’t need to run away from everyone again just to encounter his embodied darkness. Leon didn’t need to fall asleep with fear of that his lover would be gone by sunrise. “Thank God…” he whispered back.
The invisible spider went back to its work, knotting the web tighter than before. It grew bigger and bigger, neither of the men daring to even move. After several moments, the bed let out a quiet shriek as Cloud moved backwards, silently making an offer.
Leon didn’t need to think twice before popping himself onto the soft bed, next to the blonde. The bed shrieked in protest again, but he didn’t care. When moving, he never let go of other’s hand. When they settled down, they were temple to temple, hand to hand, fingers entwined.
“Thank you”, Cloud quietly whispered, only getting a hum as response. He could almost hear Zack applauding and repeating his words: You’re not alone.
“Leon?” A whisper was barely audible after hours of silence, but neither man had fallen asleep. Both had just listened to each other’s heartbeats, addicted to the silent sound, only audible in the middle of the night when the entire world was asleep.
“Hmmh?” was the sleepy response. Their fingers were still entwined, the older man’s thumb ghosting over the skin it could reach.
“Don’t let go.” Cloud’s voice was even quieter than before, as if he would’ve been ashamed of asking. He couldn’t say those words to Leon. It had taken ages for him to find the courage to tell Zack, and he hadn’t even made it in the other’s lifetime. But he hoped that one day, he could say those words to Leon, as well.
It took a moment for Leon to register the words, to realise the true meaning behind them. But he did. “I won’t”, he answered, his voice barely above a whisper. “Ever”, he added, so silently Cloud couldn’t be sure if those words had truly left his mouth.
In the next moment, Leon leaned forward, pressing his lips lightly against the other‘s, claiming Cloud as his.
There was no hesitance as the younger one mirrored the motion.
And then Cloud could believe Zack’s words. He had friends, who cared and a lover, who welcomed him into his arms despite who he was and what he had done. He couldn’t tell Leon just yet, but his silent hope of being ready before it would be too late was sent to the heavens.
Searching in his own heart, Cloud could find himself feeling something that had never been there before.
For the first time in his life, Cloud Strife didn’t feel alone, but loved.
And that was the beginning of a new life.
Everything’s fine now, right?
Yeah. I’m… not alone.
Author: Anae
Beta: QttQ (Thank you so much, dear. My Leon belongs to you.)
Fandom: Kingdom Hearts (/Final Fantasy VII - Advent Children, with a squeeze. But just slightly and just for Zack.)
Characters/pairing: Leon/Cloud (Zack/Cloud)
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: None.
Disclaimer: As much as I wish I had Cloud (And Zack. And Leon.), I don’t. They belong to Square Enix. The last words are from Advent Children.
Summary: Just how much does it take for you to believe you’re not alone and there’s someone who cares about you? Is a talk to your dead friend enough? Or do you need to die first to understand?
A/N 1: Damnit, Cloud. You stole my heart and never gave it back.
…I suppose you never will.
A/N2: This one came to me some weeks ago. When talking about with a friend how we got into Final Fantasy VII etc. fandoms, I told her Advent Children was my first step. And after this talk, my thoughts ran in characters, making me realise that as many years ago as my awkward introduction was, I still love Cloud. And it’s been years. I’ve never held one character this dear for so long.
Being a fan as I am, I can’t but hope Cloud to realise he’s not alone and that he’s loved. Thus, this piece of fiction was created.
Hope you enjoy.
Feedback: Needed. I’m crossing the borders here, I’ve never written anything out of time-line. And, I’ve never written Cleon-fic on my own. (With QttQ yes, but on my own, no.) Neither have I ever written Cloud/Zack.
There was a gentle breeze on the field, playing with the petals of the beautiful flowers. No matter the direction, one could only see an undying field filled with delicate, white and yellow flowers. There were no clouds on the sky; it was all in the middle of a white mist. But the mist itself wasn’t the strangest thing in that place - those blooming, vividly colored flowers had a too mild scent to be located in a real world.
A pair of mako-blue eyes opened, looking around. Nothing seemed familiar. Yet, even without knowing where he was, he didn’t feel fear. The tension on his shoulders was gone, along with the all too familiar and painful ache buried deep inside his heart. The burden he had carried along with him so long, it was gone.
A young man was laying on the ground, turning his head from side to side to see the place. Not seeing anyone anywhere, he pushed himself up to a cross-legged sitting position, trying again, but to no avail.
The smoke of wondering cleared away as he glanced at the green ground, seeing a white, delicate flower - something close to a lily - between his fingers. The tightening knot in his chest didn’t appear like it was supposed to as the realisation struck him.
That church from long ago. Aeris.
This place wasn’t the Lifestream but something alike it, which was weird, he couldn’t remember ending up here -
A pained yelp escaped from the pale lips as the memories of past hours got their grasp on the blonde. Cloud squeezed his eyes shut as mako-enhanced blue flickered into cat-shaped blue-green. Before he could register anything, he was on his knees, holding his head with both hands. In that moment, the would-be SOLDIER appeared like he tended to feel; young, pained, lost, lonely, hurting. Vulnerable.
Cloud could feel Masamune piercing his chest again - he could feel how the darkness closed around him, pulling him into its arms, offering comfort of nothingness. He could hear it whispering empty promises of a better place into his ear. His own opinion did not matter, he had to fall. And then, in the very last moment of consciousness, Cloud could hear the scream of his friend, calling him by his name. But he was unable to answer; darkness had claimed him already. He was unable to tell older man to stay away, to stay safe so that the brunette wouldn’t die - so that it wouldn’t be blonde swordsman's fault.
Blue eyes opened again, back to their original colour and shape, watching the flower field but not really seeing it. His entire body was shaking, his breathing ragged. He should go back there to help them, to kill him or at least die trying. He couldn‘t bare the idea of losing someone again.
But then again, how would you get out? Being one with the Lifestream meant you were dead. No way back. But this wasn’t the Lifestream, this could be some kind of a border between life and death. Maybe he could go back, somehow.
“Aww, don’t look like that. It’s not the end of the world just yet.”
The blonde was on his feet in seconds, desperately searching for the owner of that voice. It wasn’t like it was the first time he heard someone like this, but this wasn’t Sephiroth taunting him inside his head. It was someone else, someone who he held dear. A person whose death he could never atone.
The blonde’s eyes focused on the only creature around - a big, grey wolf looking at him. It had been there before, that he was sure of. Looking closer know, Cloud could tell that the wolf wasn’t just big; it was huge. It was mostly dark grey, but there were brighter shades of grey on its cheeks and legs. But the most remarkable feature of the beast was its eyes. They seemed too bright, too focused and far too human.
“Zack?” Cloud almost whispered, his voice rough due to little use.
“Took you long enough”, the wolf almost snorted. It stepped closer, careful not to crush the flowers beneath its paws. Without realizing it, the young blonde dropped onto his knees before the wolf. As it approached him, he reached out. A hand touched the incredibly soft fur, fingers running trough it as the beast leaned into his touch.
Cloud had one thousand and one things to ask, things to say, but he couldn’t find the words. Zack - the wolf, whatever - seemed to understand and stayed quiet. It was something rare for Zack - and yet, even alive, being the bigmouth he was, he had known when to give the younger boy the time he needed. Moments passed, only the wind gently bending the flowers, stealing a few petals to play with.
Soon he was ready, those unnaturally blue eyes on the wolf again. “Why?” Was the only question he managed to choke out. Too many questions, too many things to say, too much things and no time to think - it was all just a blur in his mind.
The wolf seemed to roll its eyes. “Geez, not making this easy, are you?” Something akin to a smile, all too Zack. “Okay, why me or why you?”
If Cloud’s brain and mouth would’ve co-operated, he would’ve protested at the absurdness of the question itself. However, the co-operation was impossible at the moment and he could only manage a short, pathetic answer. “Both.”
The wolf sat down, sighing. There was no easy way out, but he disliked being the one to bring the bad news. The young blonde’s hand was still on its soft fur, stroking it, unwilling, scared to let go, but it didn’t mind at all. Its eyes were sad as it looked at Cloud. “You died, you know.”
A hand dropped down, nearly crushing the flower beneath and clenched into a tight fist. The head was bowed too, blonde spikes hiding the face. He should’ve known - no, he had known, had realised, but hadn’t wanted to believe. Someone would die again, someone he cared awfully lot about, and he couldn’t even try saving them. And it was his fault, all his fault. Again. Cloud lacked the energy to keep on fighting destiny, he was too tired, exhausted, just couldn’t do it anymore. If this was it for him, he was fine with it. But his only, silent prayer was that Sephiroth wouldn’t kill his loved one again.
Cloud was awoken from his thoughts as he felt something wet against his hand. Looking down, he saw the wolf gently poking his arm with its nose. The wolf’s eyes were on him, curious and worried. “You don’t remember?” He didn’t have time to ask anything before it continued. “You killed Sephiroth.” A pause. “Although the price was high.”
Cloud gaped, eyes never leaving the grey creature. Why didn’t he remember any-
He grabbed his head again, pain returning in a flash, changing his eyes, forcing him to look back again. But he could feel it, his Buster Sword ripping Sephiroth’s chest open, carmine red blood pouring, could hear his enemy’s cry of anger mixed with surprise and pain - just before the Masamune was showed through him.
The pain was gone as soon as it had started. It left him, letting him become a gasping, shaking mess. The wolf’s paws were on his knees, heavy. Its eyes were filled with worry. But it wasn’t panicking like any other person would’ve - if someone knew what Sephiroth had done to him, it was Zack. "You alright, Spike?”
That nickname. It was ages ago since Cloud last heard it, he had almost forgotten about it. It made him feel like he was that lonely, lost mountain boy from Nibelheim again, looking up at Zack who, despite his protests, had befriended him. Somehow, memories of that time brought just the smallest smile to his lips now that the agony of remembering didn‘t appear. The blonde patted the wolf’s head reassuringly, letting it know there was nothing to worry. “I’m okay.”
He ought to be happy, having defeated his darkness, having defeated Sephiroth, but yet, there was no sun shining, no bells ringing, nothing. Sure, it was a good thing that someone as malicious as the one winged angel was gone, but he could feel no joy. Zack noticed this, proving that the blonde’s body language hadn’t changed so much over the years. The wolf’s paws hit the ground again, letting blood circle in the young man’s legs again. Zack’s eyes were awfully serious, something that had never fitted him, as he was looking at his protégé. “Do you want to go back?”
“That isn’t possible. I died, Zack. Masamune pierced my chest.”
“Didn’t ask that. Besides, it's been showed trough your chest before, right? So, if you could, would you want to go back?”
Cloud was at a loss of words. Here, he wouldn’t need to live with the tightening knot in his chest, live with regret and the pain of memories, even the happiest ones, brought; there’d be no nightmares - he wouldn’t need to suffer constant pain and fear.
But still… He couldn’t chase away neither the ghost of that rare smile nor a memory of those lips on his.
The wolf barked a little, obviously gently laughing at him. “I take that as yes.” There was a knowing, teasing smile on its furry face. “He’s cute.”
Blonde’s pale cheeks coloured instantly. “Zack!” he protested, not wanting to hear he had been watched over by… A lump rose on his throat. In any other place, it would’ve hurt, but here the pain was non-existent even if the shame lingered. Cloud had to tear his gaze away from his old lover, being unintentionally reminded of the bond they used to share. “I…”
“Shush”, the wolf told him, not letting him continue. It was silent for a second. “Keep your eyes closed.” The wolf didn’t take no for an answer, didn’t wait, but there was no need to. It knew the blonde would do as told.
And Cloud did, only hearing a soft rustle on the flowers before he felt a warm hand brushing his cheek, pushing wild locks away. “I don’t want you to linger in the past”, the older one told him quietly. This Zack was more serious than he had been in life, but it was still the same person. “You need to move on.”
Cloud kept his eyes closed, fighting the urge to open them and see Zack as Zack, not as a wolf. “But…”
“No buts! I want you to be happy, Spike. And you have to forgive yourself. I didn‘t have any regrets, I still don’t. You shouldn‘t dwell on it either.”
Cloud felt a pat on his shoulder, a permission to open his eyes. Slowly those mako-blue eyes opened, only to be greeted by ones of a kind. He saw Zack, just like he was in his memories, a handsome, spiky raven-haired youngster with an aura of kindness and strength around him. With Zack, Cloud couldn’t chase away the young trooper boy in him. The part of himself that had been there before everything had went wrong. Cloud always hidden that part - the lonely child desperately searching for the acceptance of others - that still lingered in him, the part that wasn’t destroyed among his early memories. But with Zack, that boy was present, refusing to stay hidden.
The blonde had to fight the urge to wrap his arms around the older man and never let go - something he had never wanted to do in the first place. But instead he just stretched out his hand, just to touch Zack’s chest, just to feel that he was real, not just a dream. “I…” he started, without knowledge how to continue. He loved Zack, had always loved, but today, there was someone else he cared for so much, as well.
Zack chuckled warmly, his fingers shuffling through Cloud’s spiky hair - a familiar sign of affection the blonde had missed so much. “Don’t stress about it so much. I was worried you’d never get over me.” He searched the blue eyes, which the younger man had cast to the ground when trying to talk. Zack did not continue before he found those mako-enhanced eyes, showing so many emotions. “You deserve to be happy”, he stated, wanting the other to finally believe it.
Cloud had no answer to that, and when he tried to open his mouth to say something, Zack continued. “I’ll send you back. I don’t care what anyone might think, you deserve this and more.” He shuffled the hair, clearly having missed the gesture as much as his protégé. “Close your eyes, kid.”
The blonde did as he was told, again. Despite what Zack might say, he wasn’t so sure if he deserved yet another chance. Zack was the one who had given his life to save him, but never gotten anything in return. And he was doing it all over again. But Cloud was old enough to understand that Zack couldn’t just come back - if it would’ve been possible, the SOLDIER would’ve done it by now.
Thinking about it sent a familiar bang into his chest, leading to growing anxiety. Cloud had never had a chance to say anything about his feelings to Zack. The older boy had probably known about them, but believing and hearing it out loud were two different things. And now he was doing it all over again, being a coward and keeping his mouth shut.
Deciding he was done with thinking, Cloud opened his eyes, his hand wrapping around Zack’s neck and pulling him closer. His lips pressed firmly against the other's, and in seconds, the surprised SOLDIER’s lips moved against his. The men had shared this kind of intimacy - and more - in the past, but that was years, ages, ago. When they parted, they were temple against temple, feeling each other‘s hot breaths on their faces. “I love you”, Cloud whispered as he dropped his hand, voice barely audible.
Zack’s smile couldn’t have grown wider.
“Love you too”, he answered, his hand once more suffling through the blonde locks. The younger of the two closed his eyes, and felt a soft touch of lips against his temple. This was a final goodbye. Cloud knew it was a privilege to let go like this, having said and done everything they needed to. He didn’t tell Zack he was sorry, the older one knew that already. And Zack, it appeared, had never regretted saving his life, despite the price. But the price of freedom, it was high.
“Don’t forget that there are others who love you as well.” Zack’s voice was fading away, further and further, just like the scent of the delicate flowers. “And don’t forget that you’re not alone.”
When Cloud opened his eyes, it was dark. It took a while to figure out he wasn‘t laying on the flower field anymore, but on a bed. Come to think of it, the ceiling was familiar, and so was the soft bed beneath him. The blonde rolled a bit to see the room around him, the movement sending a jolt of pain from his chest trough his whole body. Biting his lip, Cloud managed to suppress a pained cry into a hiss followed by ragged panting.
The physical pain was back, and so was the knot in his chest. Back was every single negative feeling - the knot, the ache, the regret, the pain, everything - everything the white mist and scent of pure flowers had washed away.
Thanks to the mako, blue eyes were quick to accommodate to the darkness, and the blonde couldn’t fail noticing a figure sitting on a chair beside his bed. Well, not exactly on the chair, since the sleeping man’s arms were on the bed, his head resting on them. It wasn’t until that moment Cloud noticed that older man was holding his hand. Apparently he was high on drugs, unable to feel properly - just how much medicine was running through his blood to keep him from screaming in pain?
Seeing the older man sent a mixture of caring and regret through his heart. The blonde was not used to this, he did not expect to see the gunblader like this, even though they had shared a bed for while now. Neither of them were truly open about their feelings, both keeping a safe distance, too scared of hurting the other as much as avoiding to get hurt themselves.
And yet, here the gunblader was, asleep beside his bed. He looked terrible. By shortly glancing over the man, Cloud could tell that Leon probably hadn’t moved for days, barely slept or eaten for that matter. He swallowed a lump that rose in his throat. It hurt like hell, unintentionally hurting someone you cared about. Again.
Biting his lip, the blonde rolled carefully onto his side, watching his lover’s sleeping face, thinking about Zack’s words; That he was ought to forgive and live for himself. His thoughts were interrupted, however, since his movements were affecting Leon. The older man started to wake up, little by little, his dream-filled eyes slowly focusing on their surroundings.
“Hey”, Cloud quietly offered, gently squeezing the hand in his.
In that instant, the brunette was awake, head popped up, looking at the blonde. His eyes were reddish, dark shadows cast onto his handsome features. For a while, he only stared, his tired mind working on the situation. As realization hit him, a sigh escaped the gunblader’s lips, the tension leaving his shoulders. This was followed by a soft thud as his temple connected with the mattress.
Then that brown head popped up again, stormy grey eyes looking unnaturally blue, filled with concern, seriousness and frustration. “We thought you wouldn’t make it this time.”
“I did”, was the only answer Cloud could offer. He was sorry for putting everyone through his near-death - well, it had been death, but he was alive again because of Zack - but he had done what he needed to. Even if it had cost him his life, he had no regrets.
“Is that all you’ve got to say?” The fear of the last couple of days was morphing into anger now that no life threat was present anymore. He tried to keep his voice from shaking as the emotions he had somewhat successfully kept down finally rose up. “Everyone was mourning, ready to give up! You made the girls cry and probably even Cid, he’s just better at hiding it!” Leon angrily hissed, trying to keep his voice down, not wanting to wake anyone up.
Cloud was eyeing him carefully before giving a sign of surrender, looking at the floor.
“Sorry”, he mumbled, meaning it. He lifted his gaze again to see the gunblader having turned his head as well and looking at the wall on his left, eyes hidden behind longish brown locks. The hand holding his was gripping tightly, nearly bruising, with no intension to hurt, but with no intention of letting go. The tiniest smile rose to Cloud’s lips as he noticed it. Even if Leon was angry at him and acting cool, he was here, had stayed. He hadn’t given up even if darkness and death had claimed him.
As the clock ticked, Cloud patiently waited, pretending not to notice how Leon wiped his eyes.
The gunblader took his time and once he was done, he turned to look at his lover laying on the bed after being on the edge of death. As warriors, they lived on that edge, standing on the rocks. Beneath those rocks, there was deep, dark water, and the bottom wasn‘t visible. Cloud had taken a misstep, fallen down from a slippery rock, almost drowning in the dark water below. True, this wasn’t the first time when he got wet, but it was the first time he had fallen below the surface. But someway, somehow, he had managed to make his way back up again.
Leon breathed out, still blinking several times. “Don’t ever do that again”, he whispered, silently pleading.
His answer was a careful shake of a messy, blond head. “I won’t.”
Silence landed again, an invisible spider knotting its silver web. Neither of the quiet warriors dared to shred its corner for a long while. Cloud was the first one to talk, finally truly realising what he had achieved. “It’s over”, he breathed out.
Leon let out a long breath, also finally taking note of what was achieved through this awful experience. It truly was over now, Cloud didn’t need to run away from everyone again just to encounter his embodied darkness. Leon didn’t need to fall asleep with fear of that his lover would be gone by sunrise. “Thank God…” he whispered back.
The invisible spider went back to its work, knotting the web tighter than before. It grew bigger and bigger, neither of the men daring to even move. After several moments, the bed let out a quiet shriek as Cloud moved backwards, silently making an offer.
Leon didn’t need to think twice before popping himself onto the soft bed, next to the blonde. The bed shrieked in protest again, but he didn’t care. When moving, he never let go of other’s hand. When they settled down, they were temple to temple, hand to hand, fingers entwined.
“Thank you”, Cloud quietly whispered, only getting a hum as response. He could almost hear Zack applauding and repeating his words: You’re not alone.
“Leon?” A whisper was barely audible after hours of silence, but neither man had fallen asleep. Both had just listened to each other’s heartbeats, addicted to the silent sound, only audible in the middle of the night when the entire world was asleep.
“Hmmh?” was the sleepy response. Their fingers were still entwined, the older man’s thumb ghosting over the skin it could reach.
“Don’t let go.” Cloud’s voice was even quieter than before, as if he would’ve been ashamed of asking. He couldn’t say those words to Leon. It had taken ages for him to find the courage to tell Zack, and he hadn’t even made it in the other’s lifetime. But he hoped that one day, he could say those words to Leon, as well.
It took a moment for Leon to register the words, to realise the true meaning behind them. But he did. “I won’t”, he answered, his voice barely above a whisper. “Ever”, he added, so silently Cloud couldn’t be sure if those words had truly left his mouth.
In the next moment, Leon leaned forward, pressing his lips lightly against the other‘s, claiming Cloud as his.
There was no hesitance as the younger one mirrored the motion.
And then Cloud could believe Zack’s words. He had friends, who cared and a lover, who welcomed him into his arms despite who he was and what he had done. He couldn’t tell Leon just yet, but his silent hope of being ready before it would be too late was sent to the heavens.
Searching in his own heart, Cloud could find himself feeling something that had never been there before.
For the first time in his life, Cloud Strife didn’t feel alone, but loved.
And that was the beginning of a new life.
Everything’s fine now, right?
Yeah. I’m… not alone.