(no subject)

[anadane]

Jacob had sex in Spain with some stranger from Venezuela

I am devastated - I know I have stuff going on with guys too but no where near sex!!
He told me today, he was so sad, said it didn't mean anything, that he wants me and all - I love him so bad

I cried so much
Right now I scratched my arms so so bad. I went and took a kitchenknife - pressed it against my arm so hard. About to cut so deep like never before - to just end this fucking life. Get rest, get calm

Then he called, I didn't know whether to pick up or just cut cut cut. 
I picked up. He calmed me down. I don't want him to know about the knife. I want him to think I'm doing better - yet he knows I'm doing bad..

I've lost weight and he knows. He knows I feel sad. He knows I'm starting weight-control again and I hate that he knows yet I don't want to hide it from him - bc he'll find out eventually.

I love him
I miss him

Seeing him thursday  - I want to:) We both messed up but we want to get back together . just not right now but with time - that's why we're still seeing eachother...

I love him