(no subject)
I had to take some Xanex, I feel so damn anxious. I've been on the stuff since my hospital stay, 2 years ago, long time. The mgs was decreased, but still it's probably made me dumber I read that it slows your brain down, duh, obviously that's why it cuts down anxiety.Prolong usage is supposed to make your brain slower on it's own rather than when you're on it. Don't think it's working for me my brain goes sooooo fast, but after taking it I feel mellow for a few hours.
Kresta, my roommate, and CO. (our friends) are off to dinner at some mexican restaurant. Yuck, and gag! I could have gone and thrown up the food, but I don't feel very social. I think everyone and everything would just get on my nerves so I'm better off in my room for my own sake and for their sake.
There's a big party tonight, I invited Rebekah and we're supposed to see a movie first. I kind of hope she has to work early tomorrow so she can't come to the party. I'm still not feeling great and I'm not sure if I even want to go. In case I do I need to get some diuretics, and spare myself 200 calories. Each shot of vodka is 86 cals, I'm just going to round up and say 2 shots is 200 cals. Sparing myself the calories will be super easy, if I don't the solution is simple, I throw up which I'm quite used to. Oh, speaking of that, my weight was 94.5 this morning! 4.5 pounds to go...
back to the party thing... I also need to get some diet soda, I drank the rest of mine this morning, well at 4pm. I had light yoplait yogurt for breakfast. I firmly believe the dairy thing, that it burns fat. Yogurt has been a "safe" food for me for a long time and it seems to help me. Then again, it could be that I've cut calories along with the yogurt. It took me an hour to eat the yogurt, I didn't want to eat, but I don't want my metabolism to slow down. I can never win! I didn't finish the whole thing, which is fine. Now it's 5:45, what to do, what to do...I feel like sleeping. It's apparent that I may be depressed, it will help me (in a sick twisted way) to be uber obsessed again and losing weight, I'll have something new and better to focus on. Then, there is school, something I need to focus on! I have more control over this eating thing, or it feels like I do. Or,maybe it's not so much that I have "more control" but there's an outcome, which is the number on the scale each morning. The outcome of school should be receiving A's, maybe a B or two and then going on to get my masters, except it's not that easy. I could fail a test and then I'm screwed. My ed is better, it's always better than anything else.
I know for a fact it's better than relationships, they have proved themselves to be unpredictable and hurtful. I know I freaked about Rebakah when I told her that she shouldn't worry about me, and that I wasn't planning on changing, or recovering completely. I later told her that I'd rather have my ed than her, that really freaked her out, but it was the truth and still is.
I think I might take a nap, I'm pissed off and irritable, I want my ribs to show as much as her's do:
(I've probably shown this pic before, sorry, I just like it)
I wonder, if maybe they put something on her to make them show more. I know most people wouldn't like this look, but some people do...maybe it's the shock factor for some, so it's likely they could have put oil on her or something to accentuate her bones.