(no subject)
Hmm, this large blank spot I am about to begin typing in seems somewhat intimidating. . . this may or may not be attributed to the fact that I have very little idea of what I intend to type about. I have been thinking lately on one particular subject; for the sake of simplicity I am going to label this "subject" as intimacy. More and more frequently I find myself caring less and less how distant from those around me I have grown. I just arrived back from Summer Tour, and I truly believe that I grew far closer to God, my trust in Him is exactly where it needs to be, and I am so filled with joy -in spite of circumstances- that He knows what He is doing with my life. However, inversely to this growth of intimacy with God, I feel like the entire week I grew further from everyone around me. Part of this may be of my own doing, but another part of me feels as though this distance is inevitable, that because I will quite literally not be seeing anyone I am daily surrounded by, I feel completely alright with letting them go. I am not upset or troubled that such happenings are occurring, in fact I even wrote something on the matter not too long ago which I will copy and paste right. . . now!
"I cannot entirely describe what has gotten into me lately, but I find it difficult to enjoy things that usually make me giddy with excitement. Just everything seems very dry and bland, not because I am unhappy with any of it, nor am I exceptionally unhappy in general, I think I am just wishing summer would be over with so I can move into Santa Cruz. . . which to me seems utterly ridiculous, because just weeks ago I still felt terrified by the prospect of leaving. I do not know really, it may be some sort of cycle perpetuated by my tendency to pull away from others at times. . .and so now I lack connections, or ties that are holding me back here. . . or maybe it is the fact that even if I were to stay, everyone else would still be leaving. That makes little sense though, I do not think I would be clinging to Valley Center as a physical environment, I believe I would be longing for the high school years. . . perhaps. Well fact is, I am leaving. . . and for once I do not feel uncomfortable about it. I do not intend for that to sound offensive, I am going to miss you and everyone else. . . but I feel comfortable with the direction God seems to be taking me in, which is always a good thing."
While I have been typing this something a friend of mine once asked me has been resurfacing in my mind. It was a metaphorical query wondering whether a butterfly (social or not) should briefly visit all of the flowers it can, or if it is better to have a select few that will, as long as possible, promise nectar. I suppose a combination of both would be ideal, there are so many people to meet in this world to quote Andre the night he gave his testimony, "everyone has a story." There is so much to be learned from people, and I suppose it is inevitable that some, even the ones you grow closest to, may step out of your life completely. Either way, He is in control. . . and as long as you trust in God. . . oh man, the feelings are amazing. There is so much to worry about, but knowing he is there makes it all fine -holy crap the hugest spider is running around on the wall next to me, ahh! it's so fast! I am not normally one to be this terrified of small creatures, but something about spiders just seems so terribly malevolent. . . just the rigid body structure, or the eight legs, or all of those eyes, they seem like they were put together violently almost, like God wanted to see how creepy He could make something. . . though I imagine this was not His intent, as spiders do have a purpose in our world (beyond scaring the poo out of us) and that is controlling the pesky bug population. And that spider is gone now, but under/behind/near the desk this computer rests upon, so I rest upon a fragile foundation of tranquility. Oh jeez, there it is again! Well God is the best foundation anyways, goodnight everyone. I love you all, I may not be as close to any of you as I used to, but I still love you all the same. God bless.
-Ennghh
"I cannot entirely describe what has gotten into me lately, but I find it difficult to enjoy things that usually make me giddy with excitement. Just everything seems very dry and bland, not because I am unhappy with any of it, nor am I exceptionally unhappy in general, I think I am just wishing summer would be over with so I can move into Santa Cruz. . . which to me seems utterly ridiculous, because just weeks ago I still felt terrified by the prospect of leaving. I do not know really, it may be some sort of cycle perpetuated by my tendency to pull away from others at times. . .and so now I lack connections, or ties that are holding me back here. . . or maybe it is the fact that even if I were to stay, everyone else would still be leaving. That makes little sense though, I do not think I would be clinging to Valley Center as a physical environment, I believe I would be longing for the high school years. . . perhaps. Well fact is, I am leaving. . . and for once I do not feel uncomfortable about it. I do not intend for that to sound offensive, I am going to miss you and everyone else. . . but I feel comfortable with the direction God seems to be taking me in, which is always a good thing."
While I have been typing this something a friend of mine once asked me has been resurfacing in my mind. It was a metaphorical query wondering whether a butterfly (social or not) should briefly visit all of the flowers it can, or if it is better to have a select few that will, as long as possible, promise nectar. I suppose a combination of both would be ideal, there are so many people to meet in this world to quote Andre the night he gave his testimony, "everyone has a story." There is so much to be learned from people, and I suppose it is inevitable that some, even the ones you grow closest to, may step out of your life completely. Either way, He is in control. . . and as long as you trust in God. . . oh man, the feelings are amazing. There is so much to worry about, but knowing he is there makes it all fine -holy crap the hugest spider is running around on the wall next to me, ahh! it's so fast! I am not normally one to be this terrified of small creatures, but something about spiders just seems so terribly malevolent. . . just the rigid body structure, or the eight legs, or all of those eyes, they seem like they were put together violently almost, like God wanted to see how creepy He could make something. . . though I imagine this was not His intent, as spiders do have a purpose in our world (beyond scaring the poo out of us) and that is controlling the pesky bug population. And that spider is gone now, but under/behind/near the desk this computer rests upon, so I rest upon a fragile foundation of tranquility. Oh jeez, there it is again! Well God is the best foundation anyways, goodnight everyone. I love you all, I may not be as close to any of you as I used to, but I still love you all the same. God bless.
-Ennghh