tonight i think i'll walk alone, i'll find my soul as i go home.
well, it is the designated l-o-v-e day, which i refuse to acknowledge or care about.
yes, it's o-so cute that couples can give each other stupid little cards and generic roses and kiss in the middle of the street, and yes i do love conversation hearts, but all in all, this is just the dumbest holiday ever. do people really need today as an excuse to do something nice for their significant other? and do we singletons need to feel loveless on account of being valentineless? (actually, i do have one, but she's working tonight! damn) i got a vee-day card from my mom, and a package from jacinta with birthday and xmas presents all rolled into one (i missss you!), so i am content to simply watch the last remaining season 3 lost episode tonight, a-fuckin'-lone (though i did kind of want to go to the "manson family picnic" at goodbye blue monday, eh).
i've had a rather frustrating week, for a variety of reasons. yesterday, i trained up to westchester and then tried to drive myself back to the city so i would have my car down here, but, due to the immense rainstorms, the cross county was closed and i spent 3 hours in traffic and only made it to fucking yonkers! plus, i had to keep the defroster on so that my windows wouldn't keep fogging, so i was freezing cold, and my knee hurt, and i had to pee, and i had bad cramps. at least i got to have an hour and a half long conversation with my joy, and had a good reason to blast broken. subsequently, i returned home-home, slept there, and set out in my car the next morning for my acupuncture treatment in long island. my acupuncturist was observing her former teacher at this clinic down there, and she invited me to come for a special session with him...which ended up being a pleasant but surreal experience because these acupuncturists were all talking in chinese about me, all around me, and they kept looking at my tongue and analyzing my pulse and i felt like a guinea pig...it was pretty fun, actually. except for the fact that i got lost like 6 times on the way, and it took almost 3 hours to finally get there. not only that, but last friday i drove down there to visit dad, and more traffic ensued. i fucking hate traffic.
i feel like there is a lot to say, and a lot to update on, but i don't really know where to begin. my birthday party was a success (creepy party crashers and all). i pulled my lola outfit together flawlessly, if i do say so myself, and there were many in attendance who also dressed up as characters, since that was the theme. let's see, some highlights were ben apatoff as calvin (with my little stuffed cat as hobbes), tim as jake, my sister as pregnant trashy britney and her boyfriend as kevin, rachel as hermione, ariana as a von trapp from sound of music, and nick as the dude! i can't even tell you how many times i walked up the six flights of stairs to that empty apartment to set it up and get everything up there. throwing a party is fucking expensive! oh yeah, that brings me to another thing i'm frustrated about. i have 27 cents in my debit account! and though this can fortunately be remedied and i am not claiming to be poor, it makes me feel like an incapable, irresponsible "pretend" adult, and i just don't realize how much things cost, between grocery shopping, or the lack thereof and therefore picking up food as i go, traveling by train cab subway car, cvs-ing, purchasing albums on itunes (eeep! but i needed siouxsie, clan of xymox, klaxons, danse society, cocteau twins, photo atlas, skinny puppy, foreign islands, misfits, and sun 0))) all in the past couple of weeks...didn't i? oh dear), and then the party. even though i always put my paychecks in there, and birthday money, what-have-you, i guess i drained it. sigh. in any event, the party was a blast, and of course it ended up in a huge game of spin-the-bottle (not my idea!), which was very seventh grade meets sarah lawrence. boy on boy action is always fun to watch, in my book. ariana, natasha, rayna, and phillip (under the kitchen table!) all slept over at like 5 am, and my actual birthday, the following morning, was much calmer. i went to westchester later in the evening to have hibachi dinner with mom, skip, and laura. i also got some awesome presents....nora found this wedding-cake couple where the groom's head had come off! steph and meghan got me mushroom magnets, laura bought me a massage device that basically gives your muscles electric shocks (i love it!), and joy is mysteriously sewing something over in madison. and then of course there's the much-anticipated kamikaze girls dvd jacinta has saved since our last outing to the asian megastore (i guess i will have to figure out which one i am!).
at some point last week or so, i went out to lit with dave, jake, nora, vladic, tim, julia, and kyle, which was okay for awhile, but then not so fun. there was a skinny little go-go dancer on a chair, and some supposed-to-be psychedelic video projection, and i just felt weird, for some reason. same thing happened when i went to laura's boyfriend kenny's birthday shindig at karma (my suggestion) last weekend...i just felt so...odd. like, everyone was drinking, and then everyone was eating pizza, and i was just sitting there, like hmmm. should i even bother making boring conversation with the dude next to me? on the walk home, i witnessed a minor car crash right before my eyes, and the cars drove away, and i threw the piece of bumper on the road to the sidewalk, and this guy said, "what a good citizen." i was in a bit of a better mood after that, though whether it was due to being a good citizen or watching 2 cars crash, i'm not entirely sure. sigh, i've had a lot on my mind lately. i've been anxious and ADD, albeit productive. i have 20 pages of my story done, and i hope to have 30 pages more before march 3, when it's due. it's like jodorowsky meets the giver meets the dreamers meets lost, i think? i also started my own column on the fresh new beyond race website. it's called no alternative. contained within is more of my recent frustration, about ever-changing nyc.
what else has happened in my life? jason played a show near me in the city, and i helped him out with stuff a bit, that was fun. he finally met bob for the first time too, and then jay and i went to hang with his friend sean and other friends up by union square, and sean put on einsturzende neubauten and skinny puppy videos and i highly enjoyed that. i saw joel twice recently in kim's video, which is good for i have missed him. ariana and i had a lovely work-party last saturday, which was "british day" for my mom and skip, where they watch british music documentaries, like led zeppelin, and talk in accents and stay in their pajamas. i've had multiple writing parties at teaspot, walked through the snow, went once to the gym (hey, an improvement), saw goes cube (they liked my article), then there was fake mustache night at jake's, when he threw a little dinner party, and then last weekend meredith stayed in ny with me, and hmmm, who knows what else. i'm just glad february is halfway done.
a few weeks back, jake and i had a therapeutic conversation, when i was feeling icky about myself, and his suggestion for me was to list the top 10-15 things i am "obsessed with" and then write down what each one basically represents. this was to prove that all of my most passionate interests have to do with angst or suicide or morbidity or melancholy or masochism....and then i was supposed to realize that this attributes to my underlying level of depression and emptiness and then my "job" was to replace some of them with new, happier obsessions. like...what, i wonder? golfing? although i said i would, i didn't do this exercise, because i realize that said "obsessions" (kurt cobain/nirvana, nin, anne sexton/sylvia plath, horror/gore, serial killers, circus sideshows/medical abnormalities [ps, she is my new fav], sad/angry music, deviant subculture, disturbing films, dadaism/surrealism, lolita, alice, doc martens, bettie page, etc etc?) are just who am i. i don't want to change it, after all. i like wearing all black! besides, there are some things in that list, and in more extensive lists, that aren't too detrimental. gimme danger, little stranger.
yes, it's o-so cute that couples can give each other stupid little cards and generic roses and kiss in the middle of the street, and yes i do love conversation hearts, but all in all, this is just the dumbest holiday ever. do people really need today as an excuse to do something nice for their significant other? and do we singletons need to feel loveless on account of being valentineless? (actually, i do have one, but she's working tonight! damn) i got a vee-day card from my mom, and a package from jacinta with birthday and xmas presents all rolled into one (i missss you!), so i am content to simply watch the last remaining season 3 lost episode tonight, a-fuckin'-lone (though i did kind of want to go to the "manson family picnic" at goodbye blue monday, eh).
i've had a rather frustrating week, for a variety of reasons. yesterday, i trained up to westchester and then tried to drive myself back to the city so i would have my car down here, but, due to the immense rainstorms, the cross county was closed and i spent 3 hours in traffic and only made it to fucking yonkers! plus, i had to keep the defroster on so that my windows wouldn't keep fogging, so i was freezing cold, and my knee hurt, and i had to pee, and i had bad cramps. at least i got to have an hour and a half long conversation with my joy, and had a good reason to blast broken. subsequently, i returned home-home, slept there, and set out in my car the next morning for my acupuncture treatment in long island. my acupuncturist was observing her former teacher at this clinic down there, and she invited me to come for a special session with him...which ended up being a pleasant but surreal experience because these acupuncturists were all talking in chinese about me, all around me, and they kept looking at my tongue and analyzing my pulse and i felt like a guinea pig...it was pretty fun, actually. except for the fact that i got lost like 6 times on the way, and it took almost 3 hours to finally get there. not only that, but last friday i drove down there to visit dad, and more traffic ensued. i fucking hate traffic.
i feel like there is a lot to say, and a lot to update on, but i don't really know where to begin. my birthday party was a success (creepy party crashers and all). i pulled my lola outfit together flawlessly, if i do say so myself, and there were many in attendance who also dressed up as characters, since that was the theme. let's see, some highlights were ben apatoff as calvin (with my little stuffed cat as hobbes), tim as jake, my sister as pregnant trashy britney and her boyfriend as kevin, rachel as hermione, ariana as a von trapp from sound of music, and nick as the dude! i can't even tell you how many times i walked up the six flights of stairs to that empty apartment to set it up and get everything up there. throwing a party is fucking expensive! oh yeah, that brings me to another thing i'm frustrated about. i have 27 cents in my debit account! and though this can fortunately be remedied and i am not claiming to be poor, it makes me feel like an incapable, irresponsible "pretend" adult, and i just don't realize how much things cost, between grocery shopping, or the lack thereof and therefore picking up food as i go, traveling by train cab subway car, cvs-ing, purchasing albums on itunes (eeep! but i needed siouxsie, clan of xymox, klaxons, danse society, cocteau twins, photo atlas, skinny puppy, foreign islands, misfits, and sun 0))) all in the past couple of weeks...didn't i? oh dear), and then the party. even though i always put my paychecks in there, and birthday money, what-have-you, i guess i drained it. sigh. in any event, the party was a blast, and of course it ended up in a huge game of spin-the-bottle (not my idea!), which was very seventh grade meets sarah lawrence. boy on boy action is always fun to watch, in my book. ariana, natasha, rayna, and phillip (under the kitchen table!) all slept over at like 5 am, and my actual birthday, the following morning, was much calmer. i went to westchester later in the evening to have hibachi dinner with mom, skip, and laura. i also got some awesome presents....nora found this wedding-cake couple where the groom's head had come off! steph and meghan got me mushroom magnets, laura bought me a massage device that basically gives your muscles electric shocks (i love it!), and joy is mysteriously sewing something over in madison. and then of course there's the much-anticipated kamikaze girls dvd jacinta has saved since our last outing to the asian megastore (i guess i will have to figure out which one i am!).
at some point last week or so, i went out to lit with dave, jake, nora, vladic, tim, julia, and kyle, which was okay for awhile, but then not so fun. there was a skinny little go-go dancer on a chair, and some supposed-to-be psychedelic video projection, and i just felt weird, for some reason. same thing happened when i went to laura's boyfriend kenny's birthday shindig at karma (my suggestion) last weekend...i just felt so...odd. like, everyone was drinking, and then everyone was eating pizza, and i was just sitting there, like hmmm. should i even bother making boring conversation with the dude next to me? on the walk home, i witnessed a minor car crash right before my eyes, and the cars drove away, and i threw the piece of bumper on the road to the sidewalk, and this guy said, "what a good citizen." i was in a bit of a better mood after that, though whether it was due to being a good citizen or watching 2 cars crash, i'm not entirely sure. sigh, i've had a lot on my mind lately. i've been anxious and ADD, albeit productive. i have 20 pages of my story done, and i hope to have 30 pages more before march 3, when it's due. it's like jodorowsky meets the giver meets the dreamers meets lost, i think? i also started my own column on the fresh new beyond race website. it's called no alternative. contained within is more of my recent frustration, about ever-changing nyc.
what else has happened in my life? jason played a show near me in the city, and i helped him out with stuff a bit, that was fun. he finally met bob for the first time too, and then jay and i went to hang with his friend sean and other friends up by union square, and sean put on einsturzende neubauten and skinny puppy videos and i highly enjoyed that. i saw joel twice recently in kim's video, which is good for i have missed him. ariana and i had a lovely work-party last saturday, which was "british day" for my mom and skip, where they watch british music documentaries, like led zeppelin, and talk in accents and stay in their pajamas. i've had multiple writing parties at teaspot, walked through the snow, went once to the gym (hey, an improvement), saw goes cube (they liked my article), then there was fake mustache night at jake's, when he threw a little dinner party, and then last weekend meredith stayed in ny with me, and hmmm, who knows what else. i'm just glad february is halfway done.
a few weeks back, jake and i had a therapeutic conversation, when i was feeling icky about myself, and his suggestion for me was to list the top 10-15 things i am "obsessed with" and then write down what each one basically represents. this was to prove that all of my most passionate interests have to do with angst or suicide or morbidity or melancholy or masochism....and then i was supposed to realize that this attributes to my underlying level of depression and emptiness and then my "job" was to replace some of them with new, happier obsessions. like...what, i wonder? golfing? although i said i would, i didn't do this exercise, because i realize that said "obsessions" (kurt cobain/nirvana, nin, anne sexton/sylvia plath, horror/gore, serial killers, circus sideshows/medical abnormalities [ps, she is my new fav], sad/angry music, deviant subculture, disturbing films, dadaism/surrealism, lolita, alice, doc martens, bettie page, etc etc?) are just who am i. i don't want to change it, after all. i like wearing all black! besides, there are some things in that list, and in more extensive lists, that aren't too detrimental. gimme danger, little stranger.