obscure as we are, there's only our hair's breadth between us.
it feels like meaning has been sucked out of my life. in the words of kaitlin: i have a serious case of the blahhs lately. and this, perhaps, is largely due to the fact that i still have a cough/cold/sore throat, after a week of feeling like shit, which is actually the second time i've gotten sick this winter. i think it goes beyond that, though. i feel empty. there's always been this empty feeling inside of me. the sort of loneliness that doesn't bend no matter how much time you distract your mind around other people. maybe it's because i haven't been writing. or maybe it's because i've been in the same physical and mental place for too long, and i need a way out, but i'm afraid that i lack the energy or stamina or ability to figure it out.
it's not like anything major has happened...it's all already happened, you know? all of the life-altering stuff that continues to haunt you. or, all of the past disappointments that make the current disappointment ever more disappointing. part of that is my problem. there;s this scab that never seems to heal. it keeps getting peeled back, or maybe i keep picking at it, so it remains raw and achey, even when i divert my attention from it, when i pay it no mind and keep going like nothing's wrong, like i cannot feel.
i feel....let down, abstract, restless, caved in, overexposed, underwhelmed, possibly ungrateful, and all-too-human. i feel vaguely optimistic and cynically pessimistic, and/or genuinely apathetic. i feel artless, yet hungry to create. i feel calm, but somewhat confused....because lately i can't tell what's "real" and what's a manifestation in my own mind, or what's present-moment-important (and therefore highly spontaneous) versus long-run important, and what i'm actually working towards versus simply doing. i've built things up in my head only to watch them come crashing down.
and, i hate to think or admit that i can be a hypocrite, although everybody is. i hate to think that one action can invalidate another. i hate to compare myself to other people, but i do. i hate to be jealous, but i am. i hate the human condition, and the fragility of it all. i wish that there were a set of behaviors that could easily explain and dictate how someone actually felt inside, but everyone does the same thing, so how do we really know? it's like, what's the fucking difference between fucking someone and "making love?" (what the fuck is love, anyway?). and what's the difference between hurting someone and having fun? between doing things because they're easy or available and doing things because you actually really deep down want to?
tonight, i went for an hour-and-a-half-long walk around the east and west village while talking to ben and then joy on the phone, because it's 50 degrees out and i really needed to get out of my apartment. i've been watching lost for 2 days, which is 10 times better than i expected it to be. tim got me hooked last night, when we went to kim's video to rent it, only to find it checked out, and then to blockbuster, to find it checked out again, and then back to kim's video so tim could just buy it used. joel gave us a good price! i'm already on disc 4, though i have an awful lot of catching up to do before the 4th season airs.
what else have i done lately? on wednesday, my acupuncturist did this hardcore scraping thing again, where she takes a little scraper and viciously removes the "stagnation" of energy or whatever from my tissues. my arm is now totally fucked up looking, like all purple-splotchy, as is a good majority of my back. i think it looks pretty rad. sometimes i dig injuries. makes me feel bad-ass. when i got back into the city from the train, reading leonard cohen's book of longing on the way, i met up with nora, jake, nick, dave, and vladic over at 2nd street and A. jake was my sober-buddy for the night, which was pretty ironic since he's always trying to get me drunk. i had a distressing conversation with my dad on the phone, since his heart isn't in the best shape, but i didn't really tell anyone what was up. we walked to sophies, and i scored a vegan almond bread thingie on the way, which was just the beginning of my triumphs. i beat vladic at pool and then beat this random man, fred, also! i didn't beat nick, but we had fun, and i did a little bit of making out with my drunken nora ;). though i got home before midnight, the damage of going out had been done, since i woke up with a terrrrible sore throat. it still hurts a whole bunch, but not nearly as much. tim and i had dojo's lunch today in the heavy rain, but i'm glad it's nice out now. i think it was really beautiful out a few days ago....ah yes, that was monday night. i went to sea on 2nd ave with dave, jake, tim, and nora, and then we walked around a bit, and rented rescue dawn at kim's video, where i saw danya for the first time in awhile. we watched the film on my projector, and jake, nora, and tim hung around pretty late, and it was a good night. the next day was also beautiful, and involved more walking around the city, sitting rather aimlessly in union square, et cetera et cetera. then, i went to dinner with phillip and his friend jordan, and we sat in what's left to sit in at washington square and watched some gypsy kids make music, only to watch them get kicked out by the fucking cops. god, it's not bad enough that the city has decided to perfect an already perfect park, which i walk(ed) through every day and is, like, absolutely vital to me and to every other person in my neighborhood (if you can call it that), but nyc cops forbid activities that fucking make new york what it is.
it's not like anything major has happened...it's all already happened, you know? all of the life-altering stuff that continues to haunt you. or, all of the past disappointments that make the current disappointment ever more disappointing. part of that is my problem. there;s this scab that never seems to heal. it keeps getting peeled back, or maybe i keep picking at it, so it remains raw and achey, even when i divert my attention from it, when i pay it no mind and keep going like nothing's wrong, like i cannot feel.
i feel....let down, abstract, restless, caved in, overexposed, underwhelmed, possibly ungrateful, and all-too-human. i feel vaguely optimistic and cynically pessimistic, and/or genuinely apathetic. i feel artless, yet hungry to create. i feel calm, but somewhat confused....because lately i can't tell what's "real" and what's a manifestation in my own mind, or what's present-moment-important (and therefore highly spontaneous) versus long-run important, and what i'm actually working towards versus simply doing. i've built things up in my head only to watch them come crashing down.
and, i hate to think or admit that i can be a hypocrite, although everybody is. i hate to think that one action can invalidate another. i hate to compare myself to other people, but i do. i hate to be jealous, but i am. i hate the human condition, and the fragility of it all. i wish that there were a set of behaviors that could easily explain and dictate how someone actually felt inside, but everyone does the same thing, so how do we really know? it's like, what's the fucking difference between fucking someone and "making love?" (what the fuck is love, anyway?). and what's the difference between hurting someone and having fun? between doing things because they're easy or available and doing things because you actually really deep down want to?
tonight, i went for an hour-and-a-half-long walk around the east and west village while talking to ben and then joy on the phone, because it's 50 degrees out and i really needed to get out of my apartment. i've been watching lost for 2 days, which is 10 times better than i expected it to be. tim got me hooked last night, when we went to kim's video to rent it, only to find it checked out, and then to blockbuster, to find it checked out again, and then back to kim's video so tim could just buy it used. joel gave us a good price! i'm already on disc 4, though i have an awful lot of catching up to do before the 4th season airs.
what else have i done lately? on wednesday, my acupuncturist did this hardcore scraping thing again, where she takes a little scraper and viciously removes the "stagnation" of energy or whatever from my tissues. my arm is now totally fucked up looking, like all purple-splotchy, as is a good majority of my back. i think it looks pretty rad. sometimes i dig injuries. makes me feel bad-ass. when i got back into the city from the train, reading leonard cohen's book of longing on the way, i met up with nora, jake, nick, dave, and vladic over at 2nd street and A. jake was my sober-buddy for the night, which was pretty ironic since he's always trying to get me drunk. i had a distressing conversation with my dad on the phone, since his heart isn't in the best shape, but i didn't really tell anyone what was up. we walked to sophies, and i scored a vegan almond bread thingie on the way, which was just the beginning of my triumphs. i beat vladic at pool and then beat this random man, fred, also! i didn't beat nick, but we had fun, and i did a little bit of making out with my drunken nora ;). though i got home before midnight, the damage of going out had been done, since i woke up with a terrrrible sore throat. it still hurts a whole bunch, but not nearly as much. tim and i had dojo's lunch today in the heavy rain, but i'm glad it's nice out now. i think it was really beautiful out a few days ago....ah yes, that was monday night. i went to sea on 2nd ave with dave, jake, tim, and nora, and then we walked around a bit, and rented rescue dawn at kim's video, where i saw danya for the first time in awhile. we watched the film on my projector, and jake, nora, and tim hung around pretty late, and it was a good night. the next day was also beautiful, and involved more walking around the city, sitting rather aimlessly in union square, et cetera et cetera. then, i went to dinner with phillip and his friend jordan, and we sat in what's left to sit in at washington square and watched some gypsy kids make music, only to watch them get kicked out by the fucking cops. god, it's not bad enough that the city has decided to perfect an already perfect park, which i walk(ed) through every day and is, like, absolutely vital to me and to every other person in my neighborhood (if you can call it that), but nyc cops forbid activities that fucking make new york what it is.