the moment's already passed. yeah, it's gone.
in my last entry, i got lost in describing various goings on, which made the entire week-and-a-half feel like one long day, and failed to properly acknowledge my underlying feelings of late. i've spent the past 2 days completely and utterly alone in my apartment...despite my migraine, cold/cough, and general fatigue, i did manage to do a couple hours of editing and rewriting reviews; though, besides that, i can't say i've accomplished anything. it's hard for me to sit back and allow myself to rest, because i'm constantly battling myself in terms of productivity...am i writing, am i reading, am i communicating, am i moving forward? i hate to feel stagnant, i hate to feel stuck, and it's really hard to give myself "sick days" or whatever. i think, in part, this frustration is due to my going-on-7-years of dealing with recurring migraines, which, at different points in my life, have been weekly events, or rather blockades, preventing me from functioning at full-force and doing things i want to do, in terms of "work" or in terms of going out and being social. even though i'm "the hermit," and even though i can and am often alone, it can be really hard for me...i guess for anyone...especially after so much eventfulness recently, when my friends were in the city from texas and madison and detroit and connecticut and california and wherever the hell vladic was. i guess the real conundrum here is that, when in pain, it both helps and hurts to be with other people, and, since i live alone, i have to be the one to go out or invite someone over...no one is simply around. maybe it's better this way.
sigh, i am still getting lost.
what i really want to say has little to do with my current state of icky-ness and a whole lot to do with the way i feel about myself. i'm almost 24 (yikes) and have gained a degree of self-awareness and self-control that many other people are lacking. it hurts to see my friends and people i care deeply about destroying themselves with excess drugs or drinking. and it hurts me to see my friends act carelessly....especially when they are careless about how i feel (obviously). of course, i can be quite careless my own self by allowing others the chance to "hurt me" or "use me," but i do this for multiple reasons...one of them is purely subconscious and i could go into specifics about my childhood and the reasons why i put other peoples' priorities and happiness ahead of my own, but i can't speak about such things in this journal because i have a feeling a certain psychotic ex-girlfriend of a certain parental figure reads shit like this and would somehow use it to her advantage ....another is that i trust people too much, perhaps naively so, although it is not blind naivety. i want to be optimistic in life. i want to believe that people do things because they MEAN them, or because it is meaningful to them, and not simply for the hell of it, without reason. i want to believe that people are sincere. i want to believe that feelings can be mutual, and relationships uncomplicated....but in reality, this rarely, if ever, actually happens....or at least not to me. and i've done the casual thing and i've done the 4-year-serious-thing and i've done the other-woman thing and i've done the friends-with-benefits thing and i've done the pine-for-someone-who-doesn't-want-you thing, and i've done the random what-am-i-doing thing, and i'm tired, really fucking tired, of playing the rules of game after game, when all i want is to be completely honest without feeling overly "feminine" or vulnerable or inferior.
i don't have set expectations for people, and i don't attempt to "force" things to happen, and though i really don't think that i'm the kind of girl that guys fall head over heels for (i'm fucking weird and quirky and phobic and problematic and pained and a bit difficult [or maybe i'm not any of those things]), i'll give myself credit for being a good person who genuinely cares about people, who is empathetic, who wants to help, and i take myself out of the equation and look at situations as an outside observer and try to make the right decisions.....i just want to watch music videos on the ceiling and light sparklers on the fire escape, man! i'm fucking disappointed, but not surprised, and i'll get over it like i always do....but still. but still. there was something there. i only wish i weren't the only person who said so.
the tag on my yogi detox tea today read:
"recognize that the other person is you."
i really needed that.
sigh, i am still getting lost.
what i really want to say has little to do with my current state of icky-ness and a whole lot to do with the way i feel about myself. i'm almost 24 (yikes) and have gained a degree of self-awareness and self-control that many other people are lacking. it hurts to see my friends and people i care deeply about destroying themselves with excess drugs or drinking. and it hurts me to see my friends act carelessly....especially when they are careless about how i feel (obviously). of course, i can be quite careless my own self by allowing others the chance to "hurt me" or "use me," but i do this for multiple reasons...one of them is purely subconscious and i could go into specifics about my childhood and the reasons why i put other peoples' priorities and happiness ahead of my own, but i can't speak about such things in this journal because i have a feeling a certain psychotic ex-girlfriend of a certain parental figure reads shit like this and would somehow use it to her advantage ....another is that i trust people too much, perhaps naively so, although it is not blind naivety. i want to be optimistic in life. i want to believe that people do things because they MEAN them, or because it is meaningful to them, and not simply for the hell of it, without reason. i want to believe that people are sincere. i want to believe that feelings can be mutual, and relationships uncomplicated....but in reality, this rarely, if ever, actually happens....or at least not to me. and i've done the casual thing and i've done the 4-year-serious-thing and i've done the other-woman thing and i've done the friends-with-benefits thing and i've done the pine-for-someone-who-doesn't-want-you thing, and i've done the random what-am-i-doing thing, and i'm tired, really fucking tired, of playing the rules of game after game, when all i want is to be completely honest without feeling overly "feminine" or vulnerable or inferior.
i don't have set expectations for people, and i don't attempt to "force" things to happen, and though i really don't think that i'm the kind of girl that guys fall head over heels for (i'm fucking weird and quirky and phobic and problematic and pained and a bit difficult [or maybe i'm not any of those things]), i'll give myself credit for being a good person who genuinely cares about people, who is empathetic, who wants to help, and i take myself out of the equation and look at situations as an outside observer and try to make the right decisions.....i just want to watch music videos on the ceiling and light sparklers on the fire escape, man! i'm fucking disappointed, but not surprised, and i'll get over it like i always do....but still. but still. there was something there. i only wish i weren't the only person who said so.
the tag on my yogi detox tea today read:
"recognize that the other person is you."
i really needed that.