Dec 20, 2007 19:31
i wish that i knew (or, could tell you) why i feel the way i feel. or, how i feel at all. a cloud of confusion lingers over my (our?) head, and it makes for perpetually poor weather. patterns are prone to shifting, and fading, and rearranging themselves, yet the static on the teevee screen is always the same. the intermittent sideways glance, and upturned chin is all i need to confirm that no, this is not the beginning, and yet no, this is not the end, and we all revolve around and around, spiraling down and down, and the golden ratio cannot predict our (universal) pain, cosmologically, constantly, we're playing a game so wide, beyond the realms of space and time (intertwined) that no one's keeping score. let's see...another lopsided triangle that keeps me climbing up up up to a barbed wire bridge. another car ride i'm not taking. another glass of water i'm not drinking, yet he said...drink lots of water (the doctor prescribed). and i'm reading and rereading, within you without me, forget the rest, he wrote, "existentialism does not affect existence" and "the meaning of existence is to create choas and make order of chaos" and yet his existence is nevermore; how did he know that he would become one of them?
what this really comes down to, what this is really all about, i'm not so sure. i'm too wrapped up in the past and the future without caring about what happens to me right now. i'm bored and alone, and yet busy and surrounded, isolated and anxious, and yet overexposed. i am drowning, i am doing fairly well. i miss and miss and miss, letting it slip by. i've got a gash on my gums, an acupuncture needle mark on my side. i make myself spinach pasta and lie on the floor while the water boils. i am going out soon. i am getting re-dressed. i am walking around the park. i am looking at the faces. i am looking inside of them and forgetting my self.
well...who can tell? thursday night was my last workshop of the semester. my teacher said my story, "dreamachine," was "fucking fantastic." he took us to spain after class, and talked about berlin and making a musical with lou reed and canceling his date at the chelsea hotel that night because "infidelity's not for the old." friday night was kaitlin's cocktail party at her and tyler's in brooklyn. after work, i changed into a dress and headed down on the R. lots of fab gay boys, and good music, and snackies, and watching tyler's short films, and playing "spin the travel calm" and minimal dancing, and finding our way home, and a strange night thereafter. saturday, i met nick mendoza at union square and we had an excellent downtown xmas shopping day, complete with "around the clock" lunch and tea. i managed to get the majority of my shopping done. my therapist loved her sigmond freud and couch finger puppets, and my acupuncturist loved her magnetic battery-operated fish bowl; very soothing. then, at night, i traveled to brooklyn via the F to take pictures of goes cube for the article i'm writing. i watched them practice in their teeny space, and then went with them to a bar, where our conversations were perfectly ridiculous. sunday was a rainy 4pm brunch with kaitlin, and then i ventured to brooklyn again, via the L, to see jake's side-band, the tire fires, play trash bar at midnight. only me, dave, and collin actually showed up, so it was sorta like having the entire swimming pool to ourselves. monday, work and then i don't even know. tuesday, work and then shawn arrived in nyc, and we watched jodorowsky and tried to mimic fando and lis. wednesday, westchester, and then harry stopped by randomly around 9 and we had marvelous discussions about culture, and then walked to bowery and first at 11 to meet up with jake, shawn, will, and eventually dave. ended up further west to wait for nora at another bar w/ sexy couches, and then the previously mentioned people (minus will, minus harry, plus jon swartz, including nora) were back at jake's house. i sequestered myself for a bit and took advantage of jake's glorious bathtub. then, nora took advantage of me, har har. didn't get home until nearly 5 and had to wake up for work today. o, where is my mind?
keep yourself busy until you die (he said). i believe it.