tonight, I drank a fair amount of red wine and took a fair amount of vicodin and watched this:
http://academicearth.org/lectures/how-to-live-given-certainty-of-death

It was a relatively good way to deal with tonight's migraine.

I hate blue cross blue shield. I hate them so hard. They reduced me to a toddler today- sobbing and stomping my feet. Oy. Fuck the stupid broken system. The health care bill is great, but somehow I'm still skeptical that anything meaningful will change.
Grrr. I wish to firebomb BCBS.

I miss Craig. Kind of more than ever.

I miss Vince. One week down, one to go. Trying not to constantly worry about him dying in a car crash, but it's rather difficult. (see above)

Wish I was more robotic or self-sufficient, so my heart would feel fine on its own instead of full of holes.

I've been chronically tired in the last few months. It's become a serious problem- most of the time I glide by on reflexes and forcing myself to be productive... I've been feeling like I'm trapped deep within my body, manipulating puppet strings on autopilot, a disconnected half-control of self, rather than being fully present, fully aware, fully ( Read more... )

the world is full of terrible people.

thanks for reminding me, internet.

You Are Tired (I Think) by e.e. cummings ( Read more... )

I just realized that my friend Renata, who died from lupus when I was in high school, also appeared in a parody film I made (of the Maltese Falcon, a project for English class) a few months before she died. Um. Maybe I'm cursed? Maybe it's like the Ring in reverse or something. This actually genuinely weirds me out a little bit. Maybe I should stop ( Read more... )

how have I never heard this song before? every time I hear it I want to curl up in a ball and cry.

I think I might have come up with a good new idea of what to do with my life- owning a B&B with Vince, writing on the side when I can. It freaks me out- a LOT- to think about not going to grad school, either for an MFA or a PhD, but I see this life working out so much better for me, making me really happy. I love cooking, Vince loves schmoozing ( Read more... )

"you're the red flower in one of those cheesy inspirational posters full of yellow flowers."

poorly quoted, but maybe the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.