(no subject)
I've been thinking about something lately...I feel old. But not in the way I've always felt old, cause let's face it, everyone thinks their current age is old. It's a silly movie to quote from, but in Crazy Stupid Love, Julianne Moore says "and now I'm 44, and I'm so much older than I ever thought I'd be". Ha, coincidentally I am also now 44.
Maybe younger people won't get it, but I completely understand what she meant. Yeah, hitting milestones was a big thing, like getting my driver's license, moving out on my own, and getting what I considered to be my first "grown-up job". But still, none of that has been the same as what I am feeling now.
My whole life I looked forward to doing the adult things that people are supposed to do....starting a career, getting married, having kids. I by no means feel like my life is over now, but it's a strange feeling to basically be past all of that. I've bought a house, I've done the big "we're engaged" announcement and the big wedding in the poofy dress, the excited announcement of being pregnant and introducing my baby to the world.
My daughter is only 9, so still very far from grown, but this last year especially she is rapidly becoming more mature and is way closer to being a young lady than a toddler, so while I do still have a young kid at home, I am definitely not in the new stage of parenting and getting I'm closer and closer to being a parent of an "older kid". The amount of toys strewn around the house is way less, and cartoons aren't on 24/7 anymore; instead, they've been replaced with more grown-up shows and movies, an Ipad, and telling me she wants makeup and skin care products for Christmas.
While she still technically believes in Santa (honestly I think she's just humoring me and still enjoys the fun of it) the magic of Christmas with her is quickly fading away. I don't necessarily want to do these things again...I very likely will never get married again and I am more than fine with that, I am for sure done having kids, and I kind of dread the idea of buying another house someday because of how stressful it is. But I can't help but feel like I am now on "the other side" of life and now I look around and see my younger cousins in the thick of it; starting college, getting married and announcing pregnancies.
I do of course know there are tons of good times still ahead, and especially now that I have someone amazing to share those times with, I really look forward to seeing where our lives go together. I guess it's just the difference in being able to identify more with older people than younger people now. Not that I am ready for retirement and Medicare, but it's like being a member of a new club, and I no longer belong in the old one.
As it is for everyone I am sure, we've always thought old people have always been old. For people who were "old" when we were young, like our great grandparents, grandparents, and maybe even parents, it is very easy to forget that they haven't just always been old. That they haven't always had grey hair and moved slowly and dressed funny and said stuff like "these kids today". I am getting in line to start heading that way, and I see "old people" in a whole new light.
I think about the lives they had years before we were even born. About the fact that they too were once young and cool and did the same things we did as kids and teens and young adults. And I think about the fact that there are kids now that may think of me that way, forgetting that I was once younger and skinnier and prettier and whatever else. I mean, my grandma and grandpa were 47 and 48 respectively when my brother was born, and now my brother is 48! That blows my mind. Granted, they were 51 and 52 by the time I was born and they would have been about 56 and 57 by my earliest memories, but still, those ages aren't too far off in the horizon for me.
I guess maybe this is just the epitome of the mid-life crisis I've heard about all my life, the point at which you just feel kind of lost. To quote another movie, "I'm too old to be young, and I'm too young to be old"!