Fun with Mothers
I occasionally worry that my non-existent readers might come under the misapprehension that I am an entirely serious individual. To correct this gross misunderstanding, I would like to provide you with this vignette from this evening, entitled "Fun With Mothers".
Me: I wonder how the CONQUISTADOR is faring at the hospital? He must be getting stitches.
Mom: The conquistador?
Me: Matt. I have renamed him a grand title. His name is the CONQUISTADOR, in all caps. When you speak it, make sure caps-lock is turned on. *pause*
Mom: *incredulous look*
Me: There's a switch located on your left elbow that does it. Turns on caps-lock.
Mom: *laughs and returns to cooking* So I am going to be taking that art class today.
Me: TODAY?!
Mom: I mean this winter.
Me: That's a very long day.
Mom: Its a Chinese Art class.
Me: Is Chinese his first name or Art? Do you know this Chinese Art? Have I met him before?
Mom: Its not "Art" as in "Arthur".
Me: Its "Art" as in "Artemis?"
Mom: Chinese is an adjective, which is modifying the word art, which means to have talent in painting or drawing.
Me: There's no such thing.
Mom: Its taught by a woman named Ellen.
Me: Is she Chinese?
Mom: No.
Me: Is she married to Chinese Art?!
Mom: No. We're going to be drawing with round paintbrushes--
Me: Sounds awfully shady so far.
Mom: --and learning the four gentlemen strokes.
Me: *aghast!* Does father know you're going to be stroking four gentlemen?!
Mom: The class is on Wednesdays for ten weeks
Me: During which you're getting awfully friendly there. Dad's going to be heartbroken. This is a serious problem, Mom.
Mom: Its over at Blair highschool, so I can drop them off--
Me: The four gentlemen?!
Mom: No, your sister and father. Then I can go to the class--
Me: And stroke the gentlemen.
Mom: And pick them up at 9:30 or so after its done.
Me: At which time you will be very tired.
Mom: No, I will be refreshed, and joyous.
Me: Do the gentlemen stroke back?
Mom: No, they aren't those kinds of gentlemen.
Me: So you're going to go meet Chinese Art and his fake wife Ellen who is really just stealing your money to teach you how to do cheap massages on four gentlemen?
Mom: *laughs*
Me: You know, Mom, sometimes I don't think you take me very seriously.
Mom: I don't.
Me: But this is a very serious issue! *Takes my food and walks from the room*
Mom: *Calling after me* And now you just walk out!!
Me: Well, there isn't anything else to say, is there?
Mom: Nope...
So, there you go. Its an episode of "Fun With Mothers" also known as "Abusing Your Literalistic Mother By Warping Her Words So That They Come Back to Haunt Her."
:)
Me: I wonder how the CONQUISTADOR is faring at the hospital? He must be getting stitches.
Mom: The conquistador?
Me: Matt. I have renamed him a grand title. His name is the CONQUISTADOR, in all caps. When you speak it, make sure caps-lock is turned on. *pause*
Mom: *incredulous look*
Me: There's a switch located on your left elbow that does it. Turns on caps-lock.
Mom: *laughs and returns to cooking* So I am going to be taking that art class today.
Me: TODAY?!
Mom: I mean this winter.
Me: That's a very long day.
Mom: Its a Chinese Art class.
Me: Is Chinese his first name or Art? Do you know this Chinese Art? Have I met him before?
Mom: Its not "Art" as in "Arthur".
Me: Its "Art" as in "Artemis?"
Mom: Chinese is an adjective, which is modifying the word art, which means to have talent in painting or drawing.
Me: There's no such thing.
Mom: Its taught by a woman named Ellen.
Me: Is she Chinese?
Mom: No.
Me: Is she married to Chinese Art?!
Mom: No. We're going to be drawing with round paintbrushes--
Me: Sounds awfully shady so far.
Mom: --and learning the four gentlemen strokes.
Me: *aghast!* Does father know you're going to be stroking four gentlemen?!
Mom: The class is on Wednesdays for ten weeks
Me: During which you're getting awfully friendly there. Dad's going to be heartbroken. This is a serious problem, Mom.
Mom: Its over at Blair highschool, so I can drop them off--
Me: The four gentlemen?!
Mom: No, your sister and father. Then I can go to the class--
Me: And stroke the gentlemen.
Mom: And pick them up at 9:30 or so after its done.
Me: At which time you will be very tired.
Mom: No, I will be refreshed, and joyous.
Me: Do the gentlemen stroke back?
Mom: No, they aren't those kinds of gentlemen.
Me: So you're going to go meet Chinese Art and his fake wife Ellen who is really just stealing your money to teach you how to do cheap massages on four gentlemen?
Mom: *laughs*
Me: You know, Mom, sometimes I don't think you take me very seriously.
Mom: I don't.
Me: But this is a very serious issue! *Takes my food and walks from the room*
Mom: *Calling after me* And now you just walk out!!
Me: Well, there isn't anything else to say, is there?
Mom: Nope...
So, there you go. Its an episode of "Fun With Mothers" also known as "Abusing Your Literalistic Mother By Warping Her Words So That They Come Back to Haunt Her."
:)