my ears have been fucking buzzing lately...
approaching the longest day of the year...
the sounds can be deafening if you listen hard enough. as all the frenetic energy swarms, leaving the home of my rising sign, gemini--looking-looking, searching-searching. all the magic spells sewn in spring, buried and cast off to the ear of the universe. all that work forging new beginnings, the directions you put yrself out in. theyre starting to look like something now. some things i swore i needed two months ago, i regret, seeing what theyve become. but so far, not much damage done as the the sun moves into cancer--my chaotic favorite, emotion, passion and drive--soul sister. just a little heart ache, ya know? ive imagined to myself fairly often that if i was ever to explode into flames and take off into the stratisphere it'd be in the summer, and that has nothing to do with heat. the sun has been keeping me out, busy, away from this place, here, writing it down for no reason in particular except that it fills my heart with healing love and lends space and structure for all the things racing around in my hectic obsessive mind. i have to remind myself sometimes. things that are precious to me. my alone time. the time where scholarly study happens, the high art of my life--4 of my major planets in the 11th house. for me its grueling over words still, creating secret languages for myself to live in--secret caverns.
it goes without saying ive felt far away from myself lately...
my time filled with appointments, girls, walking from place to place, working my ass off, afraid i'd miss something and i still havent cried for more than two seconds without becoming totally conscious of myself and stopping. even after watching this american life about this gothic kid whos quadrapalegic and has a progressive type of locked in syndrome. he communicates thru blinking and a timely process which involves a computer and a modified keyboard. the special place in me that swallows hard and feels it when it comes to paralysis, sickness, care--the history lesson. at one point they take out his breathing tube for a few minutes so he can talk and the first thing he wants to do is tell his girlfriend he loves her. so fucking intense, i looked at scout at that moment and shes crying watching with me, talking about how fucking sweet it is and ive got my hands on my heart and i can feel something but i'm not sure what. so i tell her i love her too, even tho i dont mean it and she says it back to me too and we laugh. its a powerful moment to cry with someone for the first time, even if its just something on tee vee, its still something real. like sickness, you know its true.
i start work tomorrow at 630am...
which is both special and terrifying. usually we start at 7am, not much different but as you already may or may not know, 30 minutes at 5 in the morning can feel like a lifetime. my schedule has felt like a weathered badge of courage at times, i wear it with both pride and pain. the scars it leaves behind. me, a total lunatic in the summer. not cranky, but new agey and spacey. kind of whiney, i'm not gonna lie and probably not the best listener in the world, i can imagine. instead of sleeping tonite i'm going to watch VHS movies with aj. salude, gotta go.
the sounds can be deafening if you listen hard enough. as all the frenetic energy swarms, leaving the home of my rising sign, gemini--looking-looking, searching-searching. all the magic spells sewn in spring, buried and cast off to the ear of the universe. all that work forging new beginnings, the directions you put yrself out in. theyre starting to look like something now. some things i swore i needed two months ago, i regret, seeing what theyve become. but so far, not much damage done as the the sun moves into cancer--my chaotic favorite, emotion, passion and drive--soul sister. just a little heart ache, ya know? ive imagined to myself fairly often that if i was ever to explode into flames and take off into the stratisphere it'd be in the summer, and that has nothing to do with heat. the sun has been keeping me out, busy, away from this place, here, writing it down for no reason in particular except that it fills my heart with healing love and lends space and structure for all the things racing around in my hectic obsessive mind. i have to remind myself sometimes. things that are precious to me. my alone time. the time where scholarly study happens, the high art of my life--4 of my major planets in the 11th house. for me its grueling over words still, creating secret languages for myself to live in--secret caverns.
it goes without saying ive felt far away from myself lately...
my time filled with appointments, girls, walking from place to place, working my ass off, afraid i'd miss something and i still havent cried for more than two seconds without becoming totally conscious of myself and stopping. even after watching this american life about this gothic kid whos quadrapalegic and has a progressive type of locked in syndrome. he communicates thru blinking and a timely process which involves a computer and a modified keyboard. the special place in me that swallows hard and feels it when it comes to paralysis, sickness, care--the history lesson. at one point they take out his breathing tube for a few minutes so he can talk and the first thing he wants to do is tell his girlfriend he loves her. so fucking intense, i looked at scout at that moment and shes crying watching with me, talking about how fucking sweet it is and ive got my hands on my heart and i can feel something but i'm not sure what. so i tell her i love her too, even tho i dont mean it and she says it back to me too and we laugh. its a powerful moment to cry with someone for the first time, even if its just something on tee vee, its still something real. like sickness, you know its true.
i start work tomorrow at 630am...
which is both special and terrifying. usually we start at 7am, not much different but as you already may or may not know, 30 minutes at 5 in the morning can feel like a lifetime. my schedule has felt like a weathered badge of courage at times, i wear it with both pride and pain. the scars it leaves behind. me, a total lunatic in the summer. not cranky, but new agey and spacey. kind of whiney, i'm not gonna lie and probably not the best listener in the world, i can imagine. instead of sleeping tonite i'm going to watch VHS movies with aj. salude, gotta go.