My inner monolouge is louder than ever.
Life is a tricky bastard. My 16 & 17 year old nieces were in Orlando not long ago and seeing people at that angsty point in life gave me some perspective as to how much I'd grown since then. Those were the days of everyday livejournal posts, dates (even though they were always with the same person) that inevitably ended up with me topless in the backseat of a car parked in a dark corner somewhere, and hanging out with people who I knew weren't my real friends, because I only had a few and it felt good to belong to a solid network. At least they have each other. By this time Ashley and I had grown apart somewhat, as she was having a child and I thought it was probably the dumbest thing she could've done. It hurt a lot because somewhere deep inside of me, I still felt attached to her at the hip, and thought we'd have babies at the same time, a double wedding, honeymoon somewhere fabulous. Come to think of it, Ashley is really the person who has taught me the most about real
friendship. It is so delicate. The kind of honest, open, unconditional relationship I have with Ashley is what I search for in all of my friendships. A lot has changed in our lives. She's a mother of a gorgeous three year old boy who lives in a house that she bought with her much much older fiance on the northside of Jacksonville where they'll probably live for a very very long time. I'm a college student living with my black boyfriend and our two best friends in a rented house in Orlando until we get the money/courage/college degree that we need to move to New York where we'll live until our dreams are satisfied. But you know what? To spite all that could presumably keep us apart, we're still incredibly close. Of course, she is my niece, and as such, even if we hated each other we'd still be a part of each other's lives. But I do wish I could find that kind of closeness with someone here in Orlando. The friends I do have are amazing, but I'd love to leave the boys here a couple nights a week and go see a chick flick, or take a dance class, or go window shopping, and not be alone. At least I know the friends I have are amazing, and they fill my life with
love. I still wonder sometimes if I even believe in marriage. I mean, the way this country treats it could have something to do with the lost faith, but I think its something deeper. I don't need a sheet of paper, literally a contract, to know that Jason and I will wake up next to each other for a very long time. It also doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that no matter how much love two people have, lives, circumstances, and people change. I've been in love before, and it makes me incredibly sad that I'm expected never to fall in love again. Maybe I'll fall in love all over again with Jason, or a child or even an idea... I'm very happy with Jason (even all of his nuances and quirks) and I know he is happy with me (even all of my mood swings and expectations). I even know that I want him to be the father of my children. I just know that there is nothing beautiful or full of life in a life long marriage who's luster was lost half a lifetime ago. Jason is the kind of person I can go anywhere with, meet anyone, hang out with anyone (well, except my parents). He makes everyday more enjoyable. He makes me laugh when I'm sad, makes me certain when I am waivering and lets me cry when I have my once a week devastations. We've found balance, which is incredibly important in a relationship, and hard to come by. For these reasons, and a lot more, I know that we will be together for a long long time. Not some piece of paper. However, I do want to have some sort of ceremony that lets me wear a fabulous dress and honors the people closest to us, in a celebration of love. :)
Which brings me to out living arrangements. :) We just moved to a beautiful house with archways and a glorious garden tub. It is the nicest place that Jason and I have ever lived. It is just the right amount spacious and cozy. Our only roommates are people that we both call friends and I've never been happier about my living arrangements. We even have a back yard. We stole some couches from Science Drive, one for our living room, one is our porch couch, and mattresses from U House. In fact, everything in my room is either stolen, hand-me-down, or a gift. It is a good thing that my ego is more wrapped up in my body image than material goods. Well, it would be if I were in better shape. ;-)
This is already too long. Love you guys!!
friendship. It is so delicate. The kind of honest, open, unconditional relationship I have with Ashley is what I search for in all of my friendships. A lot has changed in our lives. She's a mother of a gorgeous three year old boy who lives in a house that she bought with her much much older fiance on the northside of Jacksonville where they'll probably live for a very very long time. I'm a college student living with my black boyfriend and our two best friends in a rented house in Orlando until we get the money/courage/college degree that we need to move to New York where we'll live until our dreams are satisfied. But you know what? To spite all that could presumably keep us apart, we're still incredibly close. Of course, she is my niece, and as such, even if we hated each other we'd still be a part of each other's lives. But I do wish I could find that kind of closeness with someone here in Orlando. The friends I do have are amazing, but I'd love to leave the boys here a couple nights a week and go see a chick flick, or take a dance class, or go window shopping, and not be alone. At least I know the friends I have are amazing, and they fill my life with
love. I still wonder sometimes if I even believe in marriage. I mean, the way this country treats it could have something to do with the lost faith, but I think its something deeper. I don't need a sheet of paper, literally a contract, to know that Jason and I will wake up next to each other for a very long time. It also doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that no matter how much love two people have, lives, circumstances, and people change. I've been in love before, and it makes me incredibly sad that I'm expected never to fall in love again. Maybe I'll fall in love all over again with Jason, or a child or even an idea... I'm very happy with Jason (even all of his nuances and quirks) and I know he is happy with me (even all of my mood swings and expectations). I even know that I want him to be the father of my children. I just know that there is nothing beautiful or full of life in a life long marriage who's luster was lost half a lifetime ago. Jason is the kind of person I can go anywhere with, meet anyone, hang out with anyone (well, except my parents). He makes everyday more enjoyable. He makes me laugh when I'm sad, makes me certain when I am waivering and lets me cry when I have my once a week devastations. We've found balance, which is incredibly important in a relationship, and hard to come by. For these reasons, and a lot more, I know that we will be together for a long long time. Not some piece of paper. However, I do want to have some sort of ceremony that lets me wear a fabulous dress and honors the people closest to us, in a celebration of love. :)
Which brings me to out living arrangements. :) We just moved to a beautiful house with archways and a glorious garden tub. It is the nicest place that Jason and I have ever lived. It is just the right amount spacious and cozy. Our only roommates are people that we both call friends and I've never been happier about my living arrangements. We even have a back yard. We stole some couches from Science Drive, one for our living room, one is our porch couch, and mattresses from U House. In fact, everything in my room is either stolen, hand-me-down, or a gift. It is a good thing that my ego is more wrapped up in my body image than material goods. Well, it would be if I were in better shape. ;-)
This is already too long. Love you guys!!