fucked up
well as most of you know yesterday was wensday. and you all prolly know that we went to the pub. omg. we had sooooo much fucking fun. lets see what all i drank. first there was a shot of malibu rum. then i had 3 cups of beer. then it was ladies get a shot free for the next 10mins. u can bet ur ass i was the first fucking one to the front of the line. i have no clue what it was but it tasted great. then i got about 2 or 3 more cups of beer. it was 3 cause i had one at the bar then one playin pool and another one with vicky. then i sent dustin to get me a beer. he no more than gets back with it, i light a cig and sam goes to me, "i think i'm gonna puke." i go uh huh gets ur ass in the bathroom (or something like that) i grab my beer and my cig and follow her in there. vicky takes them from me so i can hold sam's hair back. when sam was finished we walked back out to matt and i noticed he drank all of my beer. so i sat sam wit matt and grabbed my cup and went to refill it. i came back and sam started begging me for some beer. i told her one drink. she takes the cup and gulps down half of the fuckin glass. lol. then i take it back from her, matt then grabs it out of my hands and drinks the rest of it. i go to him, "since u drank all of it u can go refill it for me." so off he goes. at this time sam started dancing with dustin and u know the rest of the story. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Brad is really pissed at me though. i hate it when he's mad at me. so i fucked up. twice now actually. fuck, i am such a fucking retard. last friday night i drove home drunk and know this time i drove home fucking drunk again. what is wrong with me. cant i ever learn the first damn time. yeah well i understand how mad brad is at me. he has every right to be. i broke two promises. one that i would call jill and two that i wouldnt drive drunk. he's right what if i would have gotten into an accident. what if i died. what if brad was in another car and i ran into it. what if i killed brad. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I AM SUCH A FUCKING RETARD. sometimes i cant take myself. i never think before i act. brad said that he doesnt know what to do with me. yeah well i dont know what to do with me. i dont deserve anyone, especially someone like brad. brad deserves way better than what i can give him. someone who doesnt upset him. i do love him though. i love him with every beat that my heart can give out. why does he love me. what does he see in me. im a worthless college student who fucks everything up in her path. well hopefully i dont fuck anything up with brad anymore. if i do i dont know what ill do with myself. i do love him though.