(no subject)
I’ve been thinking a lot about philosophical/detailed questions recently, mainly because I am mostly caught up at work, and just because sometimes it is time to do that.
One thing that came up recently that I’ve been thinking about is a discussion about friends, and socializing and such. Some of the people in the discussion were quite surprised when I said that I didn’t feel like I need more friends. Which is actually a pretty inflammatory statement on my part, but actually something I do believe. What I did not say and might have been perhaps useful to add, is that I can see needing more acquaintances (wrong word, but closeish) and/or strengthening the attachments I already have to people in that category.
Right now I’d estimate that between work, my in person social life, and through the connections made indirectly (here, facebook, etc) I interact with and think about probably 75-100 different people every week. That number goes up over the course of the month to maybe 150-250 people that I interact with in a way that requires me to store long-term data about them, both in terms of facts, personality traits, and long-term goals.
Of those people, I feel like I am capable of remembering very deep detail on a few of them 1-4, things like favorite foods, disliked foods, family history, long terms goals, and topics of discussion and personal interest for many interactions in the past. So I feel like I can remember detailed information on 4 people (best friend/s, boy friend/s, etc). These are the people that I talk with the most now, and within recent memory.
Then there is another group of maybe 15-25 where I can remember some good detail; maybe some snatches of their description of life history, some of what is current for them now (the big 2-5 things good and bad), the things that make up our relationship in the recent present (weeks). These are people from the first group who I haven’t seen as much of in awhile or we’ve had some deep conversations recently, or I have lots of regular exposure. These people usually include my housemates (not included above), some of my coworkers, my roommates, etc.
Then there are people to whom I’ve had a lot of exposure or very recent exposure, or both, who either due to depth of interaction, or my interest level (I only see them briefly at work), etc, I know but can’t store detail on very well. I know that these people in many cases have things to say, interesting ideas, real feelings, etc. Intellectually they are real people, but I can’t store useful data.
This last group is the one I have the most challenges interacting with because overtime it seems like I’ve stored this caricature of how they are. Sometimes that model is okay, either because its just a well made model, or because its been recently updated with useful and current data. Sometimes the model is not so good, either because they was an interaction or moment that is more memorable (usually being me its bad) and was strong enough to be imbedded in that model, even at the expense of other data.
Recently I was called upon to remember why I had a less then perfect positive model for someone, and eventually I decided that the positive in my memory banks over rode the negative aspects that come with people being people. But the whole process took ten minutes. And days later I can still remember the final decision, but the more negative model is already starting to become more powerful. So then I’ll have to do all that thinking all over again.
I had a different weird person memory hole the other day. Someone that I work with very closely, and for a long time in another office, has been out of the office unexpectedly for the last month. I was discussing her absence with some coworkers when she walked in. Even though we had literally just been discussing how much we missed having her around, I did not recognize her. Once I did recognize her it took me another few seconds to reboot why she was talking about being back in the office. In the period of like 25 seconds I lost the connection between the two things.
There are other examples, but it seems to me like there is this cap on my ability to remember people and connect them to the things that relate to them. I can remember what Zac and I ate at our anniversary dinner three years ago and no amount of time or irrelevance will change that, but I often replace out basic facts about talking to someone in the more recent past with some new conversation, and then it doesn’t get stored into long-term or accessible memory for awhile. Maybe that is just emotional investment?
It can feel like I have the choice of overwriting some random recent memory of say, a conversation with Loo about what her availability is (remembering people’s schedules is not usually a problem) with someone else’s random conversation about toast or my concern’s for someone’s happiness. Various things.
If I talk to all of my acquaintances more, I feel like I lose data spots for the people who are “closer”. What I value most in spending my time is a more deep interaction then many interactions of medium substance, so currently I have generally chosen not to say spend one night a week with all of the people I don’t know as well individually instead of spending one night a week with Loo. Its an interesting conundrum, because some of those people in the least known category would probably be awesome additions to the first or the second, so I don’t want to never talk to them, and to delete all relevant data to them either.
I also feel like spending time with only those top slots tends to create less optimal situations too. Only interacting with people who are like me, people whose opinions shape mine, I can see would lead to an insularity of thought and action that might nt be good, hashing out the same old ideas like an old person. Some of those slots may be filled by people with whom I have less in common then I used too, or people who are not around as much, who it may be beneficial to renew a relationship with from an earlier point because they will have changed so much anyway. There may be acquaintances who would be even better friends if only I could remember enough about them from situation to situation. Some of them I want to keep for awhile longer even if I don’t see them as much.
So I don’t know. Maybe there are mnemonics to help control who you keep (don’t lose), or most people just watch which stats are changing and then move to intentionally reinforce those they’ve flagged as being important enough to keep. Maybe other people have more slots. Maybe other people are less worried about controlling their situation.
I’ve been thinking a lot about philosophical/detailed questions recently, mainly because I am mostly caught up at work, and just because sometimes it is time to do that.
One thing that came up recently that I’ve been thinking about is a discussion about friends, and socializing and such. Some of the people in the discussion were quite surprised when I said that I didn’t feel like I need more friends. Which is actually a pretty inflammatory statement on my part, but actually something I do believe. What I did not say and might have been perhaps useful to add, is that I can see needing more acquaintances (wrong word, but closeish) and/or strengthening the attachments I already have to people in that category.
Right now I’d estimate that between work, my in person social life, and through the connections made indirectly (here, facebook, etc) I interact with and think about probably 75-100 different people every week. That number goes up over the course of the month to maybe 150-250 people that I interact with in a way that requires me to store long-term data about them, both in terms of facts, personality traits, and long-term goals.
Of those people, I feel like I am capable of remembering very deep detail on a few of them 1-4, things like favorite foods, disliked foods, family history, long terms goals, and topics of discussion and personal interest for many interactions in the past. So I feel like I can remember detailed information on 4 people (best friend/s, boy friend/s, etc). These are the people that I talk with the most now, and within recent memory.
Then there is another group of maybe 15-25 where I can remember some good detail; maybe some snatches of their description of life history, some of what is current for them now (the big 2-5 things good and bad), the things that make up our relationship in the recent present (weeks). These are people from the first group who I haven’t seen as much of in awhile or we’ve had some deep conversations recently, or I have lots of regular exposure. These people usually include my housemates (not included above), some of my coworkers, my roommates, etc.
Then there are people to whom I’ve had a lot of exposure or very recent exposure, or both, who either due to depth of interaction, or my interest level (I only see them briefly at work), etc, I know but can’t store detail on very well. I know that these people in many cases have things to say, interesting ideas, real feelings, etc. Intellectually they are real people, but I can’t store useful data.
This last group is the one I have the most challenges interacting with because overtime it seems like I’ve stored this caricature of how they are. Sometimes that model is okay, either because its just a well made model, or because its been recently updated with useful and current data. Sometimes the model is not so good, either because they was an interaction or moment that is more memorable (usually being me its bad) and was strong enough to be imbedded in that model, even at the expense of other data.
Recently I was called upon to remember why I had a less then perfect positive model for someone, and eventually I decided that the positive in my memory banks over rode the negative aspects that come with people being people. But the whole process took ten minutes. And days later I can still remember the final decision, but the more negative model is already starting to become more powerful. So then I’ll have to do all that thinking all over again.
I had a different weird person memory hole the other day. Someone that I work with very closely, and for a long time in another office, has been out of the office unexpectedly for the last month. I was discussing her absence with some coworkers when she walked in. Even though we had literally just been discussing how much we missed having her around, I did not recognize her. Once I did recognize her it took me another few seconds to reboot why she was talking about being back in the office. In the period of like 25 seconds I lost the connection between the two things.
There are other examples, but it seems to me like there is this cap on my ability to remember people and connect them to the things that relate to them. I can remember what Zac and I ate at our anniversary dinner three years ago and no amount of time or irrelevance will change that, but I often replace out basic facts about talking to someone in the more recent past with some new conversation, and then it doesn’t get stored into long-term or accessible memory for awhile. Maybe that is just emotional investment?
It can feel like I have the choice of overwriting some random recent memory of say, a conversation with Loo about what her availability is (remembering people’s schedules is not usually a problem) with someone else’s random conversation about toast or my concern’s for someone’s happiness. Various things.
If I talk to all of my acquaintances more, I feel like I lose data spots for the people who are “closer”. What I value most in spending my time is a more deep interaction then many interactions of medium substance, so currently I have generally chosen not to say spend one night a week with all of the people I don’t know as well individually instead of spending one night a week with Loo. Its an interesting conundrum, because some of those people in the least known category would probably be awesome additions to the first or the second, so I don’t want to never talk to them, and to delete all relevant data to them either.
I also feel like spending time with only those top slots tends to create less optimal situations too. Only interacting with people who are like me, people whose opinions shape mine, I can see would lead to an insularity of thought and action that might nt be good, hashing out the same old ideas like an old person. Some of those slots may be filled by people with whom I have less in common then I used too, or people who are not around as much, who it may be beneficial to renew a relationship with from an earlier point because they will have changed so much anyway. There may be acquaintances who would be even better friends if only I could remember enough about them from situation to situation. Some of them I want to keep for awhile longer even if I don’t see them as much.
So I don’t know. Maybe there are mnemonics to help control who you keep (don’t lose), or most people just watch which stats are changing and then move to intentionally reinforce those they’ve flagged as being important enough to keep. Maybe other people have more slots. Maybe other people are less worried about controlling their situation.
One thing that came up recently that I’ve been thinking about is a discussion about friends, and socializing and such. Some of the people in the discussion were quite surprised when I said that I didn’t feel like I need more friends. Which is actually a pretty inflammatory statement on my part, but actually something I do believe. What I did not say and might have been perhaps useful to add, is that I can see needing more acquaintances (wrong word, but closeish) and/or strengthening the attachments I already have to people in that category.
Right now I’d estimate that between work, my in person social life, and through the connections made indirectly (here, facebook, etc) I interact with and think about probably 75-100 different people every week. That number goes up over the course of the month to maybe 150-250 people that I interact with in a way that requires me to store long-term data about them, both in terms of facts, personality traits, and long-term goals.
Of those people, I feel like I am capable of remembering very deep detail on a few of them 1-4, things like favorite foods, disliked foods, family history, long terms goals, and topics of discussion and personal interest for many interactions in the past. So I feel like I can remember detailed information on 4 people (best friend/s, boy friend/s, etc). These are the people that I talk with the most now, and within recent memory.
Then there is another group of maybe 15-25 where I can remember some good detail; maybe some snatches of their description of life history, some of what is current for them now (the big 2-5 things good and bad), the things that make up our relationship in the recent present (weeks). These are people from the first group who I haven’t seen as much of in awhile or we’ve had some deep conversations recently, or I have lots of regular exposure. These people usually include my housemates (not included above), some of my coworkers, my roommates, etc.
Then there are people to whom I’ve had a lot of exposure or very recent exposure, or both, who either due to depth of interaction, or my interest level (I only see them briefly at work), etc, I know but can’t store detail on very well. I know that these people in many cases have things to say, interesting ideas, real feelings, etc. Intellectually they are real people, but I can’t store useful data.
This last group is the one I have the most challenges interacting with because overtime it seems like I’ve stored this caricature of how they are. Sometimes that model is okay, either because its just a well made model, or because its been recently updated with useful and current data. Sometimes the model is not so good, either because they was an interaction or moment that is more memorable (usually being me its bad) and was strong enough to be imbedded in that model, even at the expense of other data.
Recently I was called upon to remember why I had a less then perfect positive model for someone, and eventually I decided that the positive in my memory banks over rode the negative aspects that come with people being people. But the whole process took ten minutes. And days later I can still remember the final decision, but the more negative model is already starting to become more powerful. So then I’ll have to do all that thinking all over again.
I had a different weird person memory hole the other day. Someone that I work with very closely, and for a long time in another office, has been out of the office unexpectedly for the last month. I was discussing her absence with some coworkers when she walked in. Even though we had literally just been discussing how much we missed having her around, I did not recognize her. Once I did recognize her it took me another few seconds to reboot why she was talking about being back in the office. In the period of like 25 seconds I lost the connection between the two things.
There are other examples, but it seems to me like there is this cap on my ability to remember people and connect them to the things that relate to them. I can remember what Zac and I ate at our anniversary dinner three years ago and no amount of time or irrelevance will change that, but I often replace out basic facts about talking to someone in the more recent past with some new conversation, and then it doesn’t get stored into long-term or accessible memory for awhile. Maybe that is just emotional investment?
It can feel like I have the choice of overwriting some random recent memory of say, a conversation with Loo about what her availability is (remembering people’s schedules is not usually a problem) with someone else’s random conversation about toast or my concern’s for someone’s happiness. Various things.
If I talk to all of my acquaintances more, I feel like I lose data spots for the people who are “closer”. What I value most in spending my time is a more deep interaction then many interactions of medium substance, so currently I have generally chosen not to say spend one night a week with all of the people I don’t know as well individually instead of spending one night a week with Loo. Its an interesting conundrum, because some of those people in the least known category would probably be awesome additions to the first or the second, so I don’t want to never talk to them, and to delete all relevant data to them either.
I also feel like spending time with only those top slots tends to create less optimal situations too. Only interacting with people who are like me, people whose opinions shape mine, I can see would lead to an insularity of thought and action that might nt be good, hashing out the same old ideas like an old person. Some of those slots may be filled by people with whom I have less in common then I used too, or people who are not around as much, who it may be beneficial to renew a relationship with from an earlier point because they will have changed so much anyway. There may be acquaintances who would be even better friends if only I could remember enough about them from situation to situation. Some of them I want to keep for awhile longer even if I don’t see them as much.
So I don’t know. Maybe there are mnemonics to help control who you keep (don’t lose), or most people just watch which stats are changing and then move to intentionally reinforce those they’ve flagged as being important enough to keep. Maybe other people have more slots. Maybe other people are less worried about controlling their situation.
I’ve been thinking a lot about philosophical/detailed questions recently, mainly because I am mostly caught up at work, and just because sometimes it is time to do that.
One thing that came up recently that I’ve been thinking about is a discussion about friends, and socializing and such. Some of the people in the discussion were quite surprised when I said that I didn’t feel like I need more friends. Which is actually a pretty inflammatory statement on my part, but actually something I do believe. What I did not say and might have been perhaps useful to add, is that I can see needing more acquaintances (wrong word, but closeish) and/or strengthening the attachments I already have to people in that category.
Right now I’d estimate that between work, my in person social life, and through the connections made indirectly (here, facebook, etc) I interact with and think about probably 75-100 different people every week. That number goes up over the course of the month to maybe 150-250 people that I interact with in a way that requires me to store long-term data about them, both in terms of facts, personality traits, and long-term goals.
Of those people, I feel like I am capable of remembering very deep detail on a few of them 1-4, things like favorite foods, disliked foods, family history, long terms goals, and topics of discussion and personal interest for many interactions in the past. So I feel like I can remember detailed information on 4 people (best friend/s, boy friend/s, etc). These are the people that I talk with the most now, and within recent memory.
Then there is another group of maybe 15-25 where I can remember some good detail; maybe some snatches of their description of life history, some of what is current for them now (the big 2-5 things good and bad), the things that make up our relationship in the recent present (weeks). These are people from the first group who I haven’t seen as much of in awhile or we’ve had some deep conversations recently, or I have lots of regular exposure. These people usually include my housemates (not included above), some of my coworkers, my roommates, etc.
Then there are people to whom I’ve had a lot of exposure or very recent exposure, or both, who either due to depth of interaction, or my interest level (I only see them briefly at work), etc, I know but can’t store detail on very well. I know that these people in many cases have things to say, interesting ideas, real feelings, etc. Intellectually they are real people, but I can’t store useful data.
This last group is the one I have the most challenges interacting with because overtime it seems like I’ve stored this caricature of how they are. Sometimes that model is okay, either because its just a well made model, or because its been recently updated with useful and current data. Sometimes the model is not so good, either because they was an interaction or moment that is more memorable (usually being me its bad) and was strong enough to be imbedded in that model, even at the expense of other data.
Recently I was called upon to remember why I had a less then perfect positive model for someone, and eventually I decided that the positive in my memory banks over rode the negative aspects that come with people being people. But the whole process took ten minutes. And days later I can still remember the final decision, but the more negative model is already starting to become more powerful. So then I’ll have to do all that thinking all over again.
I had a different weird person memory hole the other day. Someone that I work with very closely, and for a long time in another office, has been out of the office unexpectedly for the last month. I was discussing her absence with some coworkers when she walked in. Even though we had literally just been discussing how much we missed having her around, I did not recognize her. Once I did recognize her it took me another few seconds to reboot why she was talking about being back in the office. In the period of like 25 seconds I lost the connection between the two things.
There are other examples, but it seems to me like there is this cap on my ability to remember people and connect them to the things that relate to them. I can remember what Zac and I ate at our anniversary dinner three years ago and no amount of time or irrelevance will change that, but I often replace out basic facts about talking to someone in the more recent past with some new conversation, and then it doesn’t get stored into long-term or accessible memory for awhile. Maybe that is just emotional investment?
It can feel like I have the choice of overwriting some random recent memory of say, a conversation with Loo about what her availability is (remembering people’s schedules is not usually a problem) with someone else’s random conversation about toast or my concern’s for someone’s happiness. Various things.
If I talk to all of my acquaintances more, I feel like I lose data spots for the people who are “closer”. What I value most in spending my time is a more deep interaction then many interactions of medium substance, so currently I have generally chosen not to say spend one night a week with all of the people I don’t know as well individually instead of spending one night a week with Loo. Its an interesting conundrum, because some of those people in the least known category would probably be awesome additions to the first or the second, so I don’t want to never talk to them, and to delete all relevant data to them either.
I also feel like spending time with only those top slots tends to create less optimal situations too. Only interacting with people who are like me, people whose opinions shape mine, I can see would lead to an insularity of thought and action that might nt be good, hashing out the same old ideas like an old person. Some of those slots may be filled by people with whom I have less in common then I used too, or people who are not around as much, who it may be beneficial to renew a relationship with from an earlier point because they will have changed so much anyway. There may be acquaintances who would be even better friends if only I could remember enough about them from situation to situation. Some of them I want to keep for awhile longer even if I don’t see them as much.
So I don’t know. Maybe there are mnemonics to help control who you keep (don’t lose), or most people just watch which stats are changing and then move to intentionally reinforce those they’ve flagged as being important enough to keep. Maybe other people have more slots. Maybe other people are less worried about controlling their situation.