A Set of Morally Guiding Principles
Taken and Expanded from a comment in a friend's journal regarding people putting walls up or not living the way they feel they need to out of a fear of hurting others. (Admission: of course I don't always do this now, and I certainly don't always do this or accept this with Grace). All references to "other people" may be replaced by me, my best friend, most people I have ever met, and me again.
The suggestion was that if people acted as they believed they needed to, in order to fulfill their own needs, with some level of concern for others (the golden rule of don't be a jackass, aka piss in someone's cheerios), that those actions would lead to a life more filled with strong relationships, and happiness.
I think a lot of what I have seen people do though, is create models for what bothers other people without collecting a full enough picture of data. Building good working models of your partners and best friends is very, very hard, and reacting to them based on an incorrect model can lead to quite a lot of pain too.
I try to do as ***** talks about here, and I've been working to do it at ever stronger and deeper levels for five years now. I agree that I have seen people use that construct to avoid responsibility for the fact that our actions have consequences, not only to us, but to those we love around us. To never think of others is not morally correct, but to hide too much of ourselves I think leads to greater feelings of betrayal when the truth comes out (depending on the strength of what is guarded). I have seen "honesty" used as a weapon, but I have never seen truth used as a weapon. When "honesty" is used to avoid our real feelings and our real fears, to avoid the little small voices in our head that say, I am afraid, I am hungry for companionship, I am not worthy, I am bad: that isn't honesty, and to use "honesty" in that way is not the same as representing our truths and is not the same as representing our goals and needs.
I've certainly been on the receiving end of both behaviors and the originator of both, but those people who have been willing to call me on it when I'm too careless, and who have received my comments in return with reasonable grace, I know them. They may still surprise me in unpleasant ways, I may surprise them, but I feel confident that barring some new true life altering change in themselves or me, we won't have any relationship-endingly large surprises.
It is very hard to have the kind of relationship I have with Zac, but I feel very comfortable that he will not turn to me in his old age and decry our life as one that kept him from his dreams or needs, consistently over years or decades. Months maybe, maybe even a year, but I am confident no more (and our lives are predicated on the assumption that ALL actions I ever take are based on the fact that once he knew, or suspected for awhile that he was unhappy he will tell me, no matter how unpleasant or inconvenient the timing and conversation). I have promised to do the same. I certainly think it is a hard thing to learn to do, to know when to listen to our needs, to be sure when they are needs, and not mania, drunkeness, impulse, or just an action designed to be mean. But life is about learning, and practicing our skills to create the maximally satisfying experience for ourselves as individuals.
If we all learned how to read ourselves and know when our needs were true needs, honest needs, and learned to do the hard work ourselves to fulfill them, making specific requests when we need something from those around us to reach our goals, and keeping in ourselves love and forgiveness for ourselves and our mistakes as well as those around us, I do think that we will find mostly people who are good in the world, even when many of our goals in life conflict.
And I feel safer knowing that without a deep need to hide who we are long term, there is significantly less likelihood of us wasting our lives not pursuing the happiness we can have separately or together.
And there endeth the preaching. Now to continue to learn to *do* it.
The suggestion was that if people acted as they believed they needed to, in order to fulfill their own needs, with some level of concern for others (the golden rule of don't be a jackass, aka piss in someone's cheerios), that those actions would lead to a life more filled with strong relationships, and happiness.
I think a lot of what I have seen people do though, is create models for what bothers other people without collecting a full enough picture of data. Building good working models of your partners and best friends is very, very hard, and reacting to them based on an incorrect model can lead to quite a lot of pain too.
I try to do as ***** talks about here, and I've been working to do it at ever stronger and deeper levels for five years now. I agree that I have seen people use that construct to avoid responsibility for the fact that our actions have consequences, not only to us, but to those we love around us. To never think of others is not morally correct, but to hide too much of ourselves I think leads to greater feelings of betrayal when the truth comes out (depending on the strength of what is guarded). I have seen "honesty" used as a weapon, but I have never seen truth used as a weapon. When "honesty" is used to avoid our real feelings and our real fears, to avoid the little small voices in our head that say, I am afraid, I am hungry for companionship, I am not worthy, I am bad: that isn't honesty, and to use "honesty" in that way is not the same as representing our truths and is not the same as representing our goals and needs.
I've certainly been on the receiving end of both behaviors and the originator of both, but those people who have been willing to call me on it when I'm too careless, and who have received my comments in return with reasonable grace, I know them. They may still surprise me in unpleasant ways, I may surprise them, but I feel confident that barring some new true life altering change in themselves or me, we won't have any relationship-endingly large surprises.
It is very hard to have the kind of relationship I have with Zac, but I feel very comfortable that he will not turn to me in his old age and decry our life as one that kept him from his dreams or needs, consistently over years or decades. Months maybe, maybe even a year, but I am confident no more (and our lives are predicated on the assumption that ALL actions I ever take are based on the fact that once he knew, or suspected for awhile that he was unhappy he will tell me, no matter how unpleasant or inconvenient the timing and conversation). I have promised to do the same. I certainly think it is a hard thing to learn to do, to know when to listen to our needs, to be sure when they are needs, and not mania, drunkeness, impulse, or just an action designed to be mean. But life is about learning, and practicing our skills to create the maximally satisfying experience for ourselves as individuals.
If we all learned how to read ourselves and know when our needs were true needs, honest needs, and learned to do the hard work ourselves to fulfill them, making specific requests when we need something from those around us to reach our goals, and keeping in ourselves love and forgiveness for ourselves and our mistakes as well as those around us, I do think that we will find mostly people who are good in the world, even when many of our goals in life conflict.
And I feel safer knowing that without a deep need to hide who we are long term, there is significantly less likelihood of us wasting our lives not pursuing the happiness we can have separately or together.
And there endeth the preaching. Now to continue to learn to *do* it.