(no subject)
I haven’t updated much lately (aka at all), because I never know what to say.
Life is both much more wonderful now than I thought it could be and less than I had hoped. Plus I’ve had to change my perspective even further on dealing with my own health and how that shapes my current physical and mental spaces.
First, my relationship with Zac is wonderful. We still have our moments of fussiness and our problems. Our places where our wants don’t mesh and we still haven’t found the way to mutual happiness. But with rare exceptions those issues are becoming less frequent and are either being resolved faster or being left for later (when we might be better able to find the optimal path) with much greater emotional grace.
Housing is going mostly quite well, although Zac is correct that now is really the time to cultivate a better housing outlook for myself. What I mean by that, is increasing my own ability to live in a reasonable manner, neither taking too much of a selfish attitude about my *personal space* nor sacrificing too much for my roommate. For example, learning how to state my own boundaries about cleanliness, and use of resources, and feeling free to use them as an equal, thereby minimizing/eradicating the push to take in clumps. I figure it will be good for me!
Work continues, it is still sometimes challenging, and I wait patiently to hear about my promotion request (could be six months until I hear, stupid state).
As for health, that is still the stickiest. It seems clear now that I am gluten intolerant/wheat allergic/a celiac, although which one specifically, is much less certain. If I don’t eat it, everything is better, the pain that plagued me for almost a year disappears and my ability to control my mental health drastically increases as does my sane energy (not mania). So all that is great! If I eat wheat/gluten, it all comes back very quickly.
The hard part for me is not knowing for sure. Testing (both when I’ve known about gluten I’ve eaten and when I haven’t) has shown that there is a connection. But the doctors will not/have not tested me correctly. So for now I have mostly abandoned the idea of getting an actual diagnosis from a professional. This makes me uncomfortable, I feel as if I am making up something, and a lot of my friends act as if not eating wheat is like the people who are on Atkins, that cheating has no consequences. Yet it clearly does, so its very hard for me to stay on the wagon. Some people, noticeably Zac and Laurel and Jeff are very supportive, others not so much. And I understand why. Without a doctor’s diagnosis it could all be psychosomatic (although accidental ingestion somewhat disproves this to me), and it is a rapidly rising diagnosis now. So is that hyperactive hypochondriacs, or is it real?
Is this all just a quest on my part for sympathy or attention? How does one give up wheat without being unable to participate in group dinners or without requiring unreasonable effort on the part of the hosts? I never wanted to be this different, although the freedom from pain and the much greater control over my mental state enrapture me.
Life is both much more wonderful now than I thought it could be and less than I had hoped. Plus I’ve had to change my perspective even further on dealing with my own health and how that shapes my current physical and mental spaces.
First, my relationship with Zac is wonderful. We still have our moments of fussiness and our problems. Our places where our wants don’t mesh and we still haven’t found the way to mutual happiness. But with rare exceptions those issues are becoming less frequent and are either being resolved faster or being left for later (when we might be better able to find the optimal path) with much greater emotional grace.
Housing is going mostly quite well, although Zac is correct that now is really the time to cultivate a better housing outlook for myself. What I mean by that, is increasing my own ability to live in a reasonable manner, neither taking too much of a selfish attitude about my *personal space* nor sacrificing too much for my roommate. For example, learning how to state my own boundaries about cleanliness, and use of resources, and feeling free to use them as an equal, thereby minimizing/eradicating the push to take in clumps. I figure it will be good for me!
Work continues, it is still sometimes challenging, and I wait patiently to hear about my promotion request (could be six months until I hear, stupid state).
As for health, that is still the stickiest. It seems clear now that I am gluten intolerant/wheat allergic/a celiac, although which one specifically, is much less certain. If I don’t eat it, everything is better, the pain that plagued me for almost a year disappears and my ability to control my mental health drastically increases as does my sane energy (not mania). So all that is great! If I eat wheat/gluten, it all comes back very quickly.
The hard part for me is not knowing for sure. Testing (both when I’ve known about gluten I’ve eaten and when I haven’t) has shown that there is a connection. But the doctors will not/have not tested me correctly. So for now I have mostly abandoned the idea of getting an actual diagnosis from a professional. This makes me uncomfortable, I feel as if I am making up something, and a lot of my friends act as if not eating wheat is like the people who are on Atkins, that cheating has no consequences. Yet it clearly does, so its very hard for me to stay on the wagon. Some people, noticeably Zac and Laurel and Jeff are very supportive, others not so much. And I understand why. Without a doctor’s diagnosis it could all be psychosomatic (although accidental ingestion somewhat disproves this to me), and it is a rapidly rising diagnosis now. So is that hyperactive hypochondriacs, or is it real?
Is this all just a quest on my part for sympathy or attention? How does one give up wheat without being unable to participate in group dinners or without requiring unreasonable effort on the part of the hosts? I never wanted to be this different, although the freedom from pain and the much greater control over my mental state enrapture me.