(no subject)
back to writing like I mean it in my notebooks. I have important things to accomplish and last week I just had NO motivation. I was too numb, I couldn't put my heart into it. So Leif tells me, "then write about that". I'm almost certain he knows what my troubles are, but I wasn't prepared to put it down in my processfolio (IE notebooks for independent study). But I did put down what troubled me. And i'm sticking to my goal of writing 10 minutes a night for this study. at least 10 minutes. now yesterday morning it turned into 1 hour of writing. but that's because I had the speed and capability of a keyboard and WP program.
coffee coffee coffee. 8 O'clock blend. sweet. raw sugar, milk. Went back the pharmacy because finally after 2 fails by the DR. to call in an affordable prescription he finally called in a generic augmentin. I get there and it's not fucking there. it was never called in. So I play phone tag with the Dr. on call at Abington until he finally calls it in. It's waiting for me. Now all I have to do is commit myself to taking it twice a day for 3 weeks. But god I hope it helps, I'm tired of feeling this constant blockage in my throat. I can't even breathe properly with the enflamed sinuses and deviated septum. See, my nose is crooked, on the inside at least. It's Dad's shnozz, just a miniature version. I do like my nose, though I did hate it so when I was 11 and 12 and 13 and going through all sorts of identity crisis.
I feel as if I've packed on 5 pounds, but I haven't eating excessively this week. I know it's all in my head. I'd truly love to be happy about weight gain, yanno..1/2 a pound a week or something, but I still don't want it. So I'm stuck in this mess. And the parents at people I work with every day look at with that look, whether they inquire or not. I see it on their faces. My cheeks are sunken, my eyes are tired, my arms are twiggy. the rest of me is fat. at least I still see it that way. That little segment of wise mind still exsisting says no, you're not, you're underweight and you need to take care of yourself.
And everyday I say, "I'll start doing that tomorrow"...
It's Samhain and I'm ready for a wild rumpus and to rejoice in the autumn splendor that surrounds me outside. Take note of the beauty in the color of the leaves (and they are SO colorful this year). Take note of the beauty of days of rain, even if it does make me cold, wet, and miserable sometimes.
I don't want to be cold, I don't want to be numb, I don't want to worry about having children when I get older, I don't want to use food against myself, I don't want to be under the facade that I am in control when I very obviously am not. no, Eds in control. And he doesn't deserve it from anyone.Take a hike Ed.
I want to live in the moment, make peace with my demons, live my life the way I want to.
Family celebration at my sisters house with all the kids and food and joy I could hope for. leaving at 8 so I can get back home, put the rest of my costume on that is not..appropriate for my family to see, paint myself up in dayglow and head in the city for an all night groove.
Perhaps I can find some inner vision in my persuits this evening..
coffee coffee coffee. 8 O'clock blend. sweet. raw sugar, milk. Went back the pharmacy because finally after 2 fails by the DR. to call in an affordable prescription he finally called in a generic augmentin. I get there and it's not fucking there. it was never called in. So I play phone tag with the Dr. on call at Abington until he finally calls it in. It's waiting for me. Now all I have to do is commit myself to taking it twice a day for 3 weeks. But god I hope it helps, I'm tired of feeling this constant blockage in my throat. I can't even breathe properly with the enflamed sinuses and deviated septum. See, my nose is crooked, on the inside at least. It's Dad's shnozz, just a miniature version. I do like my nose, though I did hate it so when I was 11 and 12 and 13 and going through all sorts of identity crisis.
I feel as if I've packed on 5 pounds, but I haven't eating excessively this week. I know it's all in my head. I'd truly love to be happy about weight gain, yanno..1/2 a pound a week or something, but I still don't want it. So I'm stuck in this mess. And the parents at people I work with every day look at with that look, whether they inquire or not. I see it on their faces. My cheeks are sunken, my eyes are tired, my arms are twiggy. the rest of me is fat. at least I still see it that way. That little segment of wise mind still exsisting says no, you're not, you're underweight and you need to take care of yourself.
And everyday I say, "I'll start doing that tomorrow"...
It's Samhain and I'm ready for a wild rumpus and to rejoice in the autumn splendor that surrounds me outside. Take note of the beauty in the color of the leaves (and they are SO colorful this year). Take note of the beauty of days of rain, even if it does make me cold, wet, and miserable sometimes.
I don't want to be cold, I don't want to be numb, I don't want to worry about having children when I get older, I don't want to use food against myself, I don't want to be under the facade that I am in control when I very obviously am not. no, Eds in control. And he doesn't deserve it from anyone.Take a hike Ed.
I want to live in the moment, make peace with my demons, live my life the way I want to.
Family celebration at my sisters house with all the kids and food and joy I could hope for. leaving at 8 so I can get back home, put the rest of my costume on that is not..appropriate for my family to see, paint myself up in dayglow and head in the city for an all night groove.
Perhaps I can find some inner vision in my persuits this evening..