149. collect a million years (two)

[sing_song_sung]

Title | collect a million years
Chapter| two
Rating | pg-13
Characters| Dan/Blair (Nate/Blair, Carter/Serena, Nate/Serena)
Summary | She shoplifted. Blair Waldorf shoplifted.
Notes | Canon is relevant. I don't watch this show anymore, but let's just say current canon applies. I'm stealing things from a movie but I'm going to keep that movie a secret (for now).


Serena wakes up slowly in the morning, clinging to sleep for a few extra moments. It's the sound of a soft, monotonous beeping that finally pulls her into wakefulness, because she can't remember setting her alarm clock to go off.

"Good morning," a soft voice says, and a moment later there are lips pressing against her temple.

She blinks her eyes open and half a second later Carter's face comes into focus. "Hey," she murmurs, smiling slightly.

"Hey," he echoes her, a touch of amusement in his voice. "How are you feeling?"

She looks around the room and sees the plain white walls, the monitors by her bed (the source of the beeping), the dull blue blankets, and she remembers that she's in the hospital, remembers yesterday at the bookstore, remembers the blinding panic when she'd seen that book in Blair's hands.

"I'm fine," she says softly.

"Serena."

"I am," she insists, forcing some brightness into her voice. "But look at you, you look exhausted…did you even sleep last night?"

"It's more important that you slept." He touches her hair, tucking a few strands gently back behind her ear.

She takes his hand in her own and presses a kiss to his palm. "I think you're overreacting," she tells him gently, trying for a teasing smile.

He doesn't smile back. "I'm overreacting? You lunged at your friend when she picked up a book and ended up falling down a flight of stairs."

"It wasn't a flight," she murmurs. "It was a small…set of stairs."

"You could have lost the baby."

She flinches at that. She looks up at him through her lashes a moment later, glaring, and is surprised at the look on his face.

Carter's expression is somber, a kind of serious she hasn't seen from him often, and his eyes are full of too many things for her to read. "You scared the hell out of me," he tells her in a softer tone. "Not to mention Blair."

"I'm sorry," she mumbles, touching both hands softly to her stomach.

He covers one of her hands with his own, his thumb rubbing lightly at her belly. "Tell me why you did it. Tell me what was going through your head."

"I didn't really think," she admits softly, "I just freaked out."

"Why?"

She just stares at their hands for a moment, thinks of their son, still safe and healthy inside her. "She…she can't read that book."

He touches her cheek with his other hand, fingers moving tentatively around the fresh scratch on her skin and then slipping under her chin, tilting her head up so that she'll meet his eyes. "Why?" he asks again.

She sighs, her eyes on his face, her throat aching under the weight of unshed tears. "It's such a long story, I…"

"You're going to tell me," he fills in for her when she trails off. "But not right now. When you're feeling better."

Her eyes fill. "I'm fine."

Carter is quiet for a moment. "Listen," he finally says. "I know how you are. How long has it been now? Fifteen years, that I've known you?"

She nods, sniffling.

"You make my life hell sometimes, and I'm sure I return the favour. But there isn't anything that I'd change about you. Nothing. Fifteen years of knowing you and there still isn't anything that makes me happier than waking up and seeing that you actually spent the night - "

She chokes on air, lifting her hands to her face. "Don't."

"I'm not proposing to you," he says, waiting until she's dropped her hands to add wryly, "Again."

"Carter," she murmurs.

He talks over her, his voice still soft, "What I'm saying, Serena, is that I know how you are. I know it as well as I've ever known anything, and I love it, I love you. I know how we are, you and I." He holds her gaze. "But it's not just you and I anymore."

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Just be careful. I just want you to be careful."

She nods, swallowing hard.

"Okay," he agrees. He leans forward then, pressing a kiss just to the left of her bellybutton.

Serena sniffles a little when he straightens up and again and reaches toward him, grabbing a handful of his shirt and tugging him to her gently for a kiss.

"I love you," she tells him softly, and the feel of his kiss tells her that he knows.

"It isn't something I want anymore."

"It?"

An irritated sigh. "He."

She naps at Carter's city apartment after she's released from the hospital, snuggled under the sheets that she picked out for him last Christmas. When she wakes up, he's sitting next to her, leaning back against the headboard with a file in his hands and a pen between his teeth.

"What're you working on?" she murmurs, rubbing her eyes before blinking up at him.

He glances over at her, pulling the pen out of his mouth. He smiles, repeats, "What am I working on?"

"Yeah." She shifts onto her side, toward him.

He sets his file aside, his smile turning into a smirk as he says, "You, I think…"

She giggles. "Me?" she asks as she tilts her chin up to kiss him.

"You," he agrees against her mouth, rubbing his thumb over her jaw.

"Mm," she murmurs, pulling back slightly. "Did Blair call?"

He sighs. "You want to talk about Blair?"

"I'm just asking," she says lightly.

He shakes his head. "No, she didn't."

"That's weird," Serena says softly. "I would have thought, after yesterday…"

Carter sighs, clearly resigning himself to this topic of conversation. "I know. But maybe she just needs a little time - she was clearly…shaken up, by what happened."

She sighs, too, hiding her face against the pillow for a moment. "She shouldn't be. It was my fault."

"There's no way that she thinks she's to blame - " He stops short, looking at her in curious amusement. "What are you smiling about?"

She can't help her grin. "He's moving," she says softly.

His eyes light up; it's barely noticeable but it's enough to make her heart hum. "He is, huh?"

"Yeah." She nods, setting his hand against her belly so that he can feel their son shifting.

He nudges a soft kiss against her mouth. "You're so fucking beautiful…"

Serena smiles against his lips. "Watch your language, he can hear you," she scolds teasingly.

"He can't hear this," he says, putting his mouth to her ear as he whispers to her.

"Carter…" She trails off, giggling as she listens to him. She sighs, her eyes fluttering closed as he leaves a trail of kisses down her neck.

"You're feeling okay?" he murmurs against he collarbone.

"Mmhm…"

His hand slips beneath the waistband on her pyjama pants, his fingers chilly against her skin. "Every time I look at you I think about how beautiful you looked the night we made this baby," he tells her quietly.

She makes a quiet noise of disapproval. "I was a wreck."

He kisses her to silence her and shakes his head, their noses brushing. His hand slips lower still, and she whimpers into the next kiss he gives her. "You're okay?" he asks again, his nose nudging her cheek.

"Yes," she sighs, her fingers clutching at his arm. "Kiss me."

He smirks. "I'm going to do much more than that, beautiful."

"Hindsight made me breathless," she says very softly.

A pen scratches against paper. "What was that?"

"Hindsight made me breathless," she repeats without raising her voice. "I looked back and all I saw was her. I looked back and I saw us. I looked back, and there we were."

Silence.

"He wrote that about me."

It's early afternoon when the doorman calls up to say they have a guest, and Serena tells him to send whomever it is up without asking for a name.

She storms into the bedroom and plants her hands on her hips. "You called me a baby-sitter?" she hisses.

Carter pauses halfway through tying his tie. "What?"

"We have a guest, apparently." She glares at him, crossing her arms above the bump of her baby. "Do you honestly not trust me to function on my own while you're at work?"

"Of course I do. I didn't call anyone."

Her anger dissipates as suddenly as it appeared. "You didn't?"

"No." He goes back to tying his tie. "Thank you for assuming the worst, though."

She rolls her eyes. "Who is it then? I just said to let them in."

He laughs, moving toward her and landing a kiss against her mouth. "Hopefully someone we know."

She smiles sheepishly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"Don't, it's fine," he says easily. "But - "

Her eyes widen. "I knew it."

"No bookstores," he says, "or buildings with stairs in general."

"Carter - " she whines.

"I'm allowed to worry." He touches a hand to her belly. "Precious cargo. Heir to the Baizen empire." He wiggles his eyebrows at her.

She pouts. "You're not funny."

He grins. "I'm hilarious."

Serena tilts her head toward the clock. "You're late."

He glances over at it. "Shit, you're right." He grabs his suit jacket off the bed and loops his other arm around her, kissing her softly. "No stairs," he tells her seriously.

"No stairs," she agrees grudgingly, trailing after him toward the door.

Carter turns around just to press a kiss to her forehead. "Thank you."

He opens the door to let himself out and they both start at the sight of Nate standing right in front of them, one hand lifted into the air, poised to knock.

"Nate?" Serena asks softly. "I thought you were…"

"Yeah." He stares at her for a moment. "Yes, yeah. I was. I'm back now."

Carter claps Nate lightly on the shoulder. "Welcome home. I have to run, but Serena will entertain you for a while, I'm sure. Make sure she doesn't go near any staircases," he adds teasingly.

"Noted," Nate agrees with a fleeting smile as Carter moves past him.

"Bye, beautiful," Carter calls over his shoulder.

"Bye, baby," Serena replies automatically. She steps aside slightly, opening the door all the way. "Come on in," she tells Nate.

"Thanks." He pauses next to her, leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead. She holds still for it, closing her eyes. "Are you okay?" he asks quietly as he pulls back.

She blinks her eyes open and their gazes clash, two sets of uncertain blue eyes. "Yeah…of course. Whatever B told you, she was probably overreacting."

He nods, but he doesn't look like he believes her.

"Let's sit?" she suggests, pushing the door closed and leading the way into the living room.

She tucks herself into the corner of the couch, watching as Nate moves past her, toward the wall of glass that dominates the central space of Carter's apartment. She waits for him patiently, quiet and still as she studies him. He looks tired to her.

"This view is ridiculous," he says after a long moment of silence.

"It is," she agrees.

He turns around, walking back toward her. There is a chair next to the couch that he glances at, but in the end he sits on the couch with her, leaving a foot of space between them. "You look good," he tells her, all seriousness, with only the barest hint of a smile.

She gives him a half-smile in return. "You too, Natie."

His gaze drops to her rounded stomach. "How far are you now?"

Serena looks down at herself. "Nineteen weeks tomorrow," she says softly.

"Wow."

She glances back up at him, smiling more easily this time. "Yeah. Wow."

"That's…almost halfway, right?"

She nods.

"So when's the wedding?"

Her smile drops off of her face. "Don't start."

"I'm just asking."

"Don't just ask. There isn't going to be a wedding, you know that."

"He's asked you. Twice."

"And I said no," she snaps. "Twice."

"He loves you," Nate points out quietly. "Doesn't he?"

"Don't," she says again. "I'm not having this conversation with you. You know how it is, you…you know I won't marry him before the baby comes, so why - " Her voice cracks and tears start to gather in her eyes; she turns away, embarrassed and terrified that she might actually know why.

"S, hey…" His tone is soft, tinged with regret. He touches her knee with just his fingertips, like she's made of glass, breakable. "I'm sorry. I know. You've told me. I didn't mean to…I'm just being an ass."

She glances back at him with watery eyes, nods a little.

He smiles at her, boyish and sweet. "Forgive me?"

She makes a face at him but she doesn't say anything. She doesn't really have to - if they're good at anything, it's forgiving each other.

"Tell me what happened with Blair," he says coaxingly.

Serena blinks, surprised. "She didn't tell you?"

He shakes his head. "I just got into the city. I came here first."

"She found the book," Serena says bluntly.

His eyes widen. "She found the book?" he repeats slowly.

She nods. "At this used bookstore, she found it, and I…I panicked. She can't read it, you know that. So I just grabbed it from her, and she was surprised and there were stairs right by us and…I fell."

Nate stares at her. "Jesus, Serena."

"She can't read it, Nate. What the hell was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know," he admits. "But you can't just…you have to be careful."

"Yes," she says tersely. "I know. I've been given the lecture."

He just looks at her for a long moment and then he touches her cheek, that same careful way he touched her knee, just his fingertips against her skin. He tucks a lock of hair back behind her ear. "It doesn't make you a bad mother," he says softly. "It makes you a really, really good friend."

Her lower lip quivers and she hates him right then, for knowing, for being the one person who knew right away, who looked at her and found the problem. "It makes me irresponsible," she says unsteadily. "It makes me how I've always been."

"It's not like you knew you'd fall, S. And I know…I know how important Blair is to you, what you'd do to protect her. I know."

He knows. He knows and she knows that; it's the elephant in the room whenever they're together, the irreparable fissure in their friendship, the ache in her throat when he looks at her the way he is right now.

Nate meets her eyes. "That baby," he says slowly, considering the weight of each of his words, "is so lucky to have you."

"You're an idiot," she mumbles, teary-eyed and curled into her corner of the couch.

"I know," is all he says.

"I think about him all the time. I wake up in the morning and I think of him, I go to bed at night and I dream of him. I never want to think of him again."

"How was your visit with Nathaniel?"

Serena yawns, closing her eyes for a beat. "Fine," she says, wiggling her toes.

Carter rubs his thumb against the arch of her foot. "Just fine?"

She eats another spoonful of her strawberry ice cream. "He's worried about Blair." She taps her teeth against her spoon thoughtfully. "It's weird that she hasn't called. And when I tried her today, she didn't pick up."

"She might be working?" he suggests.

"Yeah, probably," Serena agrees, trying to brush aside her doubts. She holds the spoon out to him. "Bite?"

He leans forward to eat it and then moves back again, returning his attention to her foot massage.

"Tell me about your day."

He smiles over her. "Are we that couple now?"

She shrugs. "What's wrong with being that couple?"

"Nothing," he says with a slight shake of his head. "Work was…busy. Uninteresting."

She sighs overdramatically. "You're a horrible conversationalist, you know that?"

"I pride myself on it, actually," he teases.

She rolls her eyes and pokes at what's left of her ice cream, sneaking glances up at him every now and then. "Carter," she finally says.

"Yeah?" he asks, lifting her other foot into his lap.

"Do you hate me for not marrying you?"

His hands go still. "No. Of course not."

She blows out a breath. "Because you've been so wonderful, and I - "

"Serena," he says softly. "Is this one of those hormonal freak-out moments? Because if it is - "

"No," she cuts him off. "No, it's just…"

"Haven't you given me all the time in the world? Don't I owe you the same courtesy?" When she shrugs, he adds, "You lost your mother barely a week after you found out you were pregnant. You think I don't understand that this has been difficult for you?"

"But you've been there for it all," she whispers, staring down into her melting ice cream. "From the day we found out my mom was sick again to the minute I realized I was late…you've been here."

"Because I want to be," he says, with a casual ease she doesn't quite understand.

"I've said no to you twice," she points out, as if he could have possibly forgotten.

"And yet…you're still here," he says, lifting one eyebrow slightly.

She smiles reluctantly and he squeezes her foot gently.

"You'll say yes eventually," he tells her quietly, and she believes him.

"It isn't just me," she says indignantly. "It's everywhere. That stupid book…everyone knows. My life is on display. Everything I gave to him, he gave to the world."

"Do you think it was his attempt to give back to you?"

Her voice breaks. "It doesn't matter. I can't pull that book off of shelves, but I can do this. I want to do this."

"It sounds like he loves you."

There is a small, sad sound. "It doesn't matter," she repeats firmly.

The knocking is loud, and Serena grabs for Carter's arm before she's even completely awake.

"What?" she mumbles. "It's…it's almost two in the morning, who is that?"

"I don't know," he sighs, his voice hoarse with sleep. He kisses the side of her head. "Stay here, okay?" he says as he gets up.

"Okay," she murmurs, watching him leave the bedroom.

Barely a minute later, clipped, precise footsteps are headed toward the room, and Serena clutches the sheet to her chest, too sleepy to be anything but confused.

Blair walks in, wearing a long coat over a pair of striped pyajama pants, an unreadable expression on her face. She sets her large purse down at the foot of the bed, reaches into it, and pulls out a book. Her hands are shaking.

"This," she says, meeting Serena's eyes, "is about me."

tbc.