148. you and i are a story (that never gets told); chapter seven
Title | you and i are a story (that never gets told)
Chapter| seven
Rating | pg-13
Characters| Blair + Dan.
Summary | Give me back my future, Blair had thought. You take everything from me.
Notes | Canon applies for all episodes of Gossip Girl up to the s4 finale. This fic is loosely based on the movie Life As We Know It. I do not own these characters, etc, etc. Title is from a Taylor Swift song.
Manhattan, 2020.
"No," Blair whispers, her fingers curling tighter around the collar of Dan's shirt as she pulls back. "No, no, you can't - you just kissed me."
Dan's hand is cupping her neck, his fingers slipping into his hair. "You kissed me," he says, and then he kisses her again.
"Stop it," she gasps. "Stop." She's very sure that that's what she wants, for him to stop kissing her like she's ever given him permission to do so, but her body disagrees. For some silly reason, she can't stop clinging to the collar of his shirt, and his mouth tastes like something she craves more of.
"Blair," he sighs. He leans his forehead against hers and they're frozen for a moment, just breathing. "Please shut up," he adds politely.
"Stop it," she says again, offended, but he claims her mouth with his again and she can't find it in herself to protest, not even when he coaxes her mouth open and their tongues brush. She shivers a little, gripping his shirt even tighter.
His hand smoothes down her side, knuckles brushing against the side of her breast before he hand slides further down, curling around her hip. "God," he breathes. "You need to eat something."
"Stop," she says once more, but this time she just breathes it against his mouth, pressing into him.
Dan groans, fingers digging into her skin, and her heart starts to pound.
The kitchen is quiet save for the sounds of their uneven breathing, so the sound of a child's wailing breaks the silence in a way that's enough to startle them into jumping apart.
"It's - it's Bram," she gasps out, fingertips against her collarbone. She can feel her heartbeat in her throat.
"Yeah," Dan mumbles, looking about as stunned as she feels. "Yeah..."
There's a long moment of silence between them and they do nothing but stare at each other; Blair wonders if Dan is as afraid of saying the wrong thing as she is.
When she finally opens her mouth, all that comes out is, "I'll get him."
Dan drops back down into his chair. "Okay."
"B!" Bram says happily when she walks into his room. He holds out his arms to be lifted.
"Good morning," she says. It's easy to smile when he's looking at her like that, all trusting blue eyes. "You're up awfully early, baby boy..."
He still has his toy elephant in one hand when she lifts him up, and he beams at her, looking very much like his father. "I want Mama," he tells her, hopeful and simple.
Blair sighs, her smile fading away. "I know you do, Bram," she says. "I know. But your mama's in heaven now, remember..." She tries to smile again. "Up in the clouds..."
He shakes his head, still looking at her with wide, serious blue eyes.
"I bet she can see you," Blair whispers against his cheek, pressing a kiss against his baby-soft skin as she walks toward the window. She pulls back the curtains and bounces him a little in her hold. "I bet she's watching you right now." She points up toward the clouds. "Do you want to wave? Say hi?"
Bram looks up doubtfully, squinting against the sunlight. His lower lip trembles. "No."
She sighs and hugs him closer, bringing her hand up to cup the back of his head. "It's okay," she murmurs soothingly, glancing up at the sky. "It was a stupid idea anyway."
Little girls - or at least little girls with Nate and Serena's genes - are full of too much energy in the morning, giggling in the hallways and demanding Lucky Charms like Blair would be stupid enough to give them sugar when they're already like this.
But maybe she is stupid enough, because she's still exhausted and she can't quite keep up with the two different conversations Lilah and Ella are trying to have with her, and Dan is busy trying to coax Bram into eating his Cheerios and Ella looks so happy for the first time since the funeral.
She pours two small bowls of Lucky Charms and vows not to do this again tomorrow.
Dan looks up at her. He's sitting at the table, a bowl of cereal in one hand, Bram in his lap. "You caved, huh?"
He's smiling at her like they're teenagers and she frowns. "No. It was a temporary lapse in judgment."
His smile drops away so quickly that she almost feels bad. "Blair..."
"I'm running late already," she cuts him off. "Girls, you go and get into your school clothes when you're finished, okay? I laid them out for you."
All three of them nod, and Blair hovers there for another moment, watching Joey fish a marshmallow out of her bowl with her fingers. She sighs and decides not to comment for the time being.
She'll be better at this, all of it, tomorrow.
Dan volunteers to make lunches. She's not sure if she's supposed to be grateful for that. She is running late but it's a simple task, really, making sandwiches, and she could have done it. Besides, she always bought her lunches when she went to Constance, and she doesn't see why the girls can't do the same. She thinks about saying as much but opts for silence instead - she's not sure why, but the last thing she wants to do this morning is pick a fight.
Apparently he has no such qualms, because she's only been in the kitchen for about six seconds when he speaks.
"I know that this is your MO, Blair," he says quietly, spreading nutella evenly on a piece of whole wheat bread. "But it's not mine."
"I don't have time for this right now," she says. "I have to get to work, and I have to get the girls to school on time."
He keeps on speaking as though she hadn't said a word. "I'm not just going to act like it didn't happen. I can't do that. I can't just pretend it away - "
"No," she says sharply. "You'd rather write a book about it, wouldn't you?"
He stops moving, school lunches forgotten for a moment. "You would have known about the book if you'd bothered to talk to me."
Blair frowns. "It's in the past. As is the mistake of a kiss."
"It wasn't just a kiss - "
Ella comes tripping into the kitchen then, tugging Joey along by the hand, and Dan goes silent.
"Jo won't put her skirt on!" Ella reports.
Dan smiles at them; it's soft and tender and automatic in ways Blair doesn't want to see. "Don't tattle, Ella," he says gently.
Joey tugs away from her sister and latches onto Dan's leg. She's in a crisp white shirt, part of her school uniform, but she's still wearing her Hello Kitty pyjama pants. "Home today," she says. "I want to stay home."
"We talked about this, kiddo, remember? Today's the day to go back to school."
Joey shakes her head and presses her face to Dan's leg.
"Ella, sweetie," Blair says. "Will you go and see if Lilah is ready?"
She nods and rushes out of the room. Blair turns her attention back to Dan - Joey's still attached to him and he's got nutella on his fingers. She heaves a sigh and crouches down carefully in he slim-cut dress, touching a hand to Joey's back.
"Why don't you want to go to school, honey?" she asks.
"'Cause," Joey mumbles.
"Because why?" Blair presses.
"'Cause what if you die?" Joey asks in her little voice.
Blair sits right down on the kitchen floor then with no regard for her dress or the time or the fact that the girls need to get to school.
"Josephine," she says steadily, taking one of Joey's hands and turning her around so that she can look into her face. "Sweetheart, we are not going to die."
Dan lowers himself to the floor, too. "Bram and I will be there to pick you up from school at the end of the day, I promise. I'll be right there waiting for you."
Joey scrubs at her eyes with her fists. "Promise?"
"I promise," he says sincerely. "I'll even by early. You won't have to worry for a single second."
She sniffles and shifts away from Blair, moving to sit on Dan's lap and leaning her cheek against his chest.
"You don't have to be scared," Blair soothes.
Joey sniffles again, reaching out toward her, and Blair has no choice but to move closer. She takes Joey's hand in her own and presses a kiss to the little girl's palm.
"We don't want you to be worried," Dan says quietly, kissing Joey's hair. "We love you so much."
"We do," Blair agrees. "We love you so, so much."
She leans in to put a kiss to Joey's cheek and does her best to ignore the way she can smell Dan, fresh and clean and oh-so-close.
Joey's Pre-K teacher comes outside to greet her, telling her how much they've missed her and that she's just in time to paint pictures. The little girl's eyes brighten, but she still clings to Blair's hand for an extra moment.
"Uncle Dan will be here to pick you up," Blair reminds her softly, and it takes another moment, but eventually Joey lets herself be enticed by the prospect of painting and follows her teacher inside.
Ella's teacher is there too greet them too, cheerful and smiling. "How are we doing?" she asks brightly, meeting Blair's eyes.
"We're alright," Blair lies quietly. "I'm listed as their emergency contact, so if..."
Ella's teacher nods. "Of course."
"Have a good day, El," Blair tells her niece.
Ella nods, her expression strangely solemn as she slips her hand into her teacher's. "I will, Auntie B."
Blair watches them go inside, exhaling slowly, and then turns to her eldest niece. "Are you ready, Lilah?"
Lilah looks up at her and it takes her breath away. Her eyes are Serena's eyes - Serena's eyes before Lily's second marriage, Serena's eyes the first time she tried ecstasy, Serena's eyes when Blair revealed her plan to lose her virginity to Nate; Serena's eyes, too stubborn to be scared.
"You don't have to go," Blair whispers. "You can come to work with me."
Lilah stares at her; Serena's eyes, not quite willing to hope. "Seriously?"
She nods. "Seriously."
"That...that would be okay, right?" Lilah asks carefully. "I mean, Mom wouldn't've cared if I missed one more day..."
Blair's throat feels full of something, a laugh or a sob. "No," she agrees softy. "She wouldn't care."
In a cowardly move, she texts Dan to tell him.
Lilah wasn't ready for school. She's at work with me.
His reply is simple: Okay.
She doesn't think about it again for two hours, busy trying to re-adjust to her workload and keep Lilah entertained, but when she finally checks her phone again, there's another message from Dan. Do you need anything?
She sighs, slumping back in her chair. I don't know.
Points for honesty, Waldorf, is his response, half a second later.
She laughs out loud and covers her mouth with her hand.
I hate you, Humphrey, she tells him, and turns her phone off.
She takes Lilah out of the office during her lunch break, telling her niece that their destination is a secret as they get into the cab. She makes Lilah cover her ears as she tells the driver to take them to the Met.
Lilah's surprise is palpable when they arrive. "This is it?" she asks as they walk up the steps. "This is where we're going?"
"We're here," Blair confirms, tucking the skirt of her dress carefully under herself as she sits down, hoping the steps aren't too dirty. "Sit down, Li."
Lilah hesitates for a moment. In her seersucker skirt, gazing out onto the street, she looks like her mother come back to life for half a heartbeat. "Mom brought me here," she whispers.
Blair's eyes snap up to Lilah's face. "She did?"
"Yeah." Lilah sits. "She said she liked to think here."
"I didn't know that," Blair murmurs. "Your mom and I spent a lot of time here during our years at Constance. We ate lunch here nearly everyday."
Her niece looks at her, eyes full of knowledge the way only a child's can be. "You miss Mom a lot, too."
Blair nods and swallows before she manages to say, "I do. Very much."
Lilah picks at the hem of her skirt. "D'you know why I really hate it?"
Blair tilts her head slightly, studying the little girl. "Why, sweetheart?"
"Because - " Lilah takes a shuddering breath. "It won't go away. It won't ever go away." Her jaw works momentarily and she blinks purposefully. "They can never come back."
"No," Blair agrees gently, feeling the weight of those words, "They can't."
Lilah's chin trembles and she looks so much like Serena, in those moments when Lily would leave, that Blair has to actively keep herself from reaching out to give the little girl a hug. "It makes me scared," she whispers.
"Why does it make you scared, Li?"
"Because...because when I'm sick I only feel better if Daddy tucks me in at night. And because no one makes grilled cheese sandwiches the same way Mommy does. And...I never know what to be for Halloween or what to write on my valentines until Mommy helps me, and she tells the dentist that I want the bubblegum toothpaste not the mint toothpaste because I don't like to talk to the dentist. And Daddy said I'm not allowed to marry a boy that he doesn't like, but if he's dead then he can't like anybody, and now I'm never allowed to get married."
The words are a rush, and they overwhelm Blair a bit - the heartbreaking simplicity of them. She's not quite sure, in this moment, how to deal with any of that, but there is one thing she's sure of, and it fills her up with the oddest kind of confidence.
Lilah answered her question. She opened up, admitted her fears, and laid them Blair's feet. She answered, honestly - and even at nine years old, Serena wouldn't have done that.
"Lilah," Blair says softly, touching the little girl's blonde hair tenderly, fingers combing through tangled strands. "Baby, you are going to be okay."
"You look tired," Dan comments softly when he walks into the sun room that night, only about half an hour after bedtime for the children.
Blair waves a hand toward him, hardly glancing up. "Says the pot to the kettle."
He makes a sound halfway between a chuckle and a snort as he slouches onto the other end of the sofa. "That's fair."
"We're both used to having no kids, and now we have four. It's an adjustment."
"Speaking of adjusting..." He turns his head toward her. "How was Lilah today? She went to bed so early."
Blair leafs through the pages in her binder. "She misses her parents. She'll always miss her parents."
"You two talked?"
She nods, giving up on pretending to pay attention to her work. "Apparently one of us is going to have to learn to make grilled cheese sandwiches like Serena."
Dan sighs. "That sounds impossible."
She rubs at the bridge of her nose. "It is impossible. She needs her mother and her father. They all do."
"But they have to make do with us." He closes his eyes for a moment. "Poor kids."
"Don't be self-deprecating," she murmurs. "You're good with them, all of them."
"Don't make me the exception," he volleys back. "You're good with them, too."
"Mm," she says, noncommittal.
"You are," he insists. "You did exactly what Lilah needed you to do today. You knew what was right for her."
"That doesn't mean I'll always know, Dan," she sighs. "Today could have been a complete fluke."
"I'm handing you a victory here," he teases her quietly. "The Blair Waldorf I know and love would've taken it by now."
His words give her pause, but she tries to shake off the momentary shock, returning her attention to her binder.
Dan coughs. "I didn't mean - "
"It doesn't matter what you meant."
He sighs, clearly exasperated. "Are you honestly expecting to spend the next two decades parenting the four children of our best friends with me without once discussing what happened between us this morning?"
"You're tired. I'm tired. Now isn't the time."
"Blair - " He sighs again. "Will there ever be a time?"
She opens her mouth to reply and then shuts it again. "Out of the mouths of babes," she murmurs, more to herself than to Dan.
"What?" he asks, softening his tone.
"When Lilah and I talked today," she explains. "She said something that..." She sighs. "She said that what she hated most about losing her parents was that it would never be over. She'll never stop missing Nate and Serena. She'll never stop hurting over it. She can't, because the only thing that could end it would be for them to come back, and they can't. It'll never be over."
Dan stares at her for a long moment, trying to read between the lines. "What are you saying?" he finally wonders.
"You and I," she says carefully. "I'm not sure we'll ever be over. Time clearly doesn't matter, because you kissed me and I - " She glances down. "I let you."
"And if I kissed you again - "
She glances up at him, lips in an almost-smirk. "Don't be presumptuous."
He smiles at her and her heart flutters. "I would never."
"It's more now, Dan," she says, soft and serious. "Before, there were risks, I know - maybe I was in love with...Chuck, maybe we'd hurt Serena. And there was the issue of my engagement... We were stupid, but those were all valid concerns. And now the concerns are much more important, the stakes are much higher. Relationships, no matter how you want to define them, require work and...they fall apart. We can't throw the kids into any more turmoil."
"You really think that after all this time - "
"It doesn't matter. That's...it's irrelevant."
He blows out his breath. "What are you trying to tell me?"
"I'm trying to tell you...that co-parenting is enough work in and off itself, and I'm much more concerned with the children than with...us."
"Of course. They're my first priority, too," he says, looking insulted that she'd even suggest otherwise.
"Stop pushing this, then." She closes her binder. "There's no point in discussing the kiss - it's there, it will probably always be there. Whatever attraction exists between us can't be resolved in a conversation. Talking about it won't do us any good, just like talking about Serena and Nate won't miraculously bring them back to life."
"Blair...you can't just ignore what you want - "
"Humphrey," she cuts him off. "Don't assume that you know what I want."
His hand is on her cheek then, fingers brushing her hairline, and his kiss doesn't take her by surprise, not even for a moment.
"We won't talk," he breathes against her lips.
"I hate you," she whispers to him, her hands landing on his shoulders, her binder toppling to the floor. "I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone."
He has the audacity to laugh. "You're still talking."
"You're still kissing me," she mumbles.
"Are we compromising?" he wonders teasingly.
"You and me?" She laughs, her head tipping back as his lip trail down her neck. "Impossible."
The knock on the door comes just when Dan's undoing the zipper of her dress, his fingertips trailing down her spine.
"Fuck," he mutters. "Ignore it."
She hesitates, toying with the buttons on his plaid shirt. "I..."
"Shh." He covers her mouth with his. "No talking."
She laughs lightly and nips at his lips. "Just...wait. It's late, it must be...Lily, or maybe Eric back in the city..."
"They'll come back tomorrow," he protests.
She laughs again, and this time it's more of a giggle, girlish and a little breathless. "Just let me get it...I'll be right back."
He sighs and gives her one last, quick kiss. "I don't believe you," he tells her solemnly, sitting up on the sofa and giving her room to stand.
She rolls her eyes and gets up, padding out of the room in her stocking feet. She makes a half-hearted attempt to smooth out the mess her hair has become and tugs the zipper of her dress up as far as she can get it. She touches her thumb to her bottom lip just before she reaches the door, hoping that her lipstick isn't smudged.
She is honestly expecting Lily Humphrey to be standing on the other side of the door; the person she finds instead makes her breath catch in her throat and her heart stutter in surprise.
"Chuck?" she says softly.
He looks her over lasciviously, knowledge flickering in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he says lowly. "That I couldn't be here sooner."
tbc.
Chapter| seven
Rating | pg-13
Characters| Blair + Dan.
Summary | Give me back my future, Blair had thought. You take everything from me.
Notes | Canon applies for all episodes of Gossip Girl up to the s4 finale. This fic is loosely based on the movie Life As We Know It. I do not own these characters, etc, etc. Title is from a Taylor Swift song.
Manhattan, 2020.
"No," Blair whispers, her fingers curling tighter around the collar of Dan's shirt as she pulls back. "No, no, you can't - you just kissed me."
Dan's hand is cupping her neck, his fingers slipping into his hair. "You kissed me," he says, and then he kisses her again.
"Stop it," she gasps. "Stop." She's very sure that that's what she wants, for him to stop kissing her like she's ever given him permission to do so, but her body disagrees. For some silly reason, she can't stop clinging to the collar of his shirt, and his mouth tastes like something she craves more of.
"Blair," he sighs. He leans his forehead against hers and they're frozen for a moment, just breathing. "Please shut up," he adds politely.
"Stop it," she says again, offended, but he claims her mouth with his again and she can't find it in herself to protest, not even when he coaxes her mouth open and their tongues brush. She shivers a little, gripping his shirt even tighter.
His hand smoothes down her side, knuckles brushing against the side of her breast before he hand slides further down, curling around her hip. "God," he breathes. "You need to eat something."
"Stop," she says once more, but this time she just breathes it against his mouth, pressing into him.
Dan groans, fingers digging into her skin, and her heart starts to pound.
The kitchen is quiet save for the sounds of their uneven breathing, so the sound of a child's wailing breaks the silence in a way that's enough to startle them into jumping apart.
"It's - it's Bram," she gasps out, fingertips against her collarbone. She can feel her heartbeat in her throat.
"Yeah," Dan mumbles, looking about as stunned as she feels. "Yeah..."
There's a long moment of silence between them and they do nothing but stare at each other; Blair wonders if Dan is as afraid of saying the wrong thing as she is.
When she finally opens her mouth, all that comes out is, "I'll get him."
Dan drops back down into his chair. "Okay."
"B!" Bram says happily when she walks into his room. He holds out his arms to be lifted.
"Good morning," she says. It's easy to smile when he's looking at her like that, all trusting blue eyes. "You're up awfully early, baby boy..."
He still has his toy elephant in one hand when she lifts him up, and he beams at her, looking very much like his father. "I want Mama," he tells her, hopeful and simple.
Blair sighs, her smile fading away. "I know you do, Bram," she says. "I know. But your mama's in heaven now, remember..." She tries to smile again. "Up in the clouds..."
He shakes his head, still looking at her with wide, serious blue eyes.
"I bet she can see you," Blair whispers against his cheek, pressing a kiss against his baby-soft skin as she walks toward the window. She pulls back the curtains and bounces him a little in her hold. "I bet she's watching you right now." She points up toward the clouds. "Do you want to wave? Say hi?"
Bram looks up doubtfully, squinting against the sunlight. His lower lip trembles. "No."
She sighs and hugs him closer, bringing her hand up to cup the back of his head. "It's okay," she murmurs soothingly, glancing up at the sky. "It was a stupid idea anyway."
Little girls - or at least little girls with Nate and Serena's genes - are full of too much energy in the morning, giggling in the hallways and demanding Lucky Charms like Blair would be stupid enough to give them sugar when they're already like this.
But maybe she is stupid enough, because she's still exhausted and she can't quite keep up with the two different conversations Lilah and Ella are trying to have with her, and Dan is busy trying to coax Bram into eating his Cheerios and Ella looks so happy for the first time since the funeral.
She pours two small bowls of Lucky Charms and vows not to do this again tomorrow.
Dan looks up at her. He's sitting at the table, a bowl of cereal in one hand, Bram in his lap. "You caved, huh?"
He's smiling at her like they're teenagers and she frowns. "No. It was a temporary lapse in judgment."
His smile drops away so quickly that she almost feels bad. "Blair..."
"I'm running late already," she cuts him off. "Girls, you go and get into your school clothes when you're finished, okay? I laid them out for you."
All three of them nod, and Blair hovers there for another moment, watching Joey fish a marshmallow out of her bowl with her fingers. She sighs and decides not to comment for the time being.
She'll be better at this, all of it, tomorrow.
Dan volunteers to make lunches. She's not sure if she's supposed to be grateful for that. She is running late but it's a simple task, really, making sandwiches, and she could have done it. Besides, she always bought her lunches when she went to Constance, and she doesn't see why the girls can't do the same. She thinks about saying as much but opts for silence instead - she's not sure why, but the last thing she wants to do this morning is pick a fight.
Apparently he has no such qualms, because she's only been in the kitchen for about six seconds when he speaks.
"I know that this is your MO, Blair," he says quietly, spreading nutella evenly on a piece of whole wheat bread. "But it's not mine."
"I don't have time for this right now," she says. "I have to get to work, and I have to get the girls to school on time."
He keeps on speaking as though she hadn't said a word. "I'm not just going to act like it didn't happen. I can't do that. I can't just pretend it away - "
"No," she says sharply. "You'd rather write a book about it, wouldn't you?"
He stops moving, school lunches forgotten for a moment. "You would have known about the book if you'd bothered to talk to me."
Blair frowns. "It's in the past. As is the mistake of a kiss."
"It wasn't just a kiss - "
Ella comes tripping into the kitchen then, tugging Joey along by the hand, and Dan goes silent.
"Jo won't put her skirt on!" Ella reports.
Dan smiles at them; it's soft and tender and automatic in ways Blair doesn't want to see. "Don't tattle, Ella," he says gently.
Joey tugs away from her sister and latches onto Dan's leg. She's in a crisp white shirt, part of her school uniform, but she's still wearing her Hello Kitty pyjama pants. "Home today," she says. "I want to stay home."
"We talked about this, kiddo, remember? Today's the day to go back to school."
Joey shakes her head and presses her face to Dan's leg.
"Ella, sweetie," Blair says. "Will you go and see if Lilah is ready?"
She nods and rushes out of the room. Blair turns her attention back to Dan - Joey's still attached to him and he's got nutella on his fingers. She heaves a sigh and crouches down carefully in he slim-cut dress, touching a hand to Joey's back.
"Why don't you want to go to school, honey?" she asks.
"'Cause," Joey mumbles.
"Because why?" Blair presses.
"'Cause what if you die?" Joey asks in her little voice.
Blair sits right down on the kitchen floor then with no regard for her dress or the time or the fact that the girls need to get to school.
"Josephine," she says steadily, taking one of Joey's hands and turning her around so that she can look into her face. "Sweetheart, we are not going to die."
Dan lowers himself to the floor, too. "Bram and I will be there to pick you up from school at the end of the day, I promise. I'll be right there waiting for you."
Joey scrubs at her eyes with her fists. "Promise?"
"I promise," he says sincerely. "I'll even by early. You won't have to worry for a single second."
She sniffles and shifts away from Blair, moving to sit on Dan's lap and leaning her cheek against his chest.
"You don't have to be scared," Blair soothes.
Joey sniffles again, reaching out toward her, and Blair has no choice but to move closer. She takes Joey's hand in her own and presses a kiss to the little girl's palm.
"We don't want you to be worried," Dan says quietly, kissing Joey's hair. "We love you so much."
"We do," Blair agrees. "We love you so, so much."
She leans in to put a kiss to Joey's cheek and does her best to ignore the way she can smell Dan, fresh and clean and oh-so-close.
Joey's Pre-K teacher comes outside to greet her, telling her how much they've missed her and that she's just in time to paint pictures. The little girl's eyes brighten, but she still clings to Blair's hand for an extra moment.
"Uncle Dan will be here to pick you up," Blair reminds her softly, and it takes another moment, but eventually Joey lets herself be enticed by the prospect of painting and follows her teacher inside.
Ella's teacher is there too greet them too, cheerful and smiling. "How are we doing?" she asks brightly, meeting Blair's eyes.
"We're alright," Blair lies quietly. "I'm listed as their emergency contact, so if..."
Ella's teacher nods. "Of course."
"Have a good day, El," Blair tells her niece.
Ella nods, her expression strangely solemn as she slips her hand into her teacher's. "I will, Auntie B."
Blair watches them go inside, exhaling slowly, and then turns to her eldest niece. "Are you ready, Lilah?"
Lilah looks up at her and it takes her breath away. Her eyes are Serena's eyes - Serena's eyes before Lily's second marriage, Serena's eyes the first time she tried ecstasy, Serena's eyes when Blair revealed her plan to lose her virginity to Nate; Serena's eyes, too stubborn to be scared.
"You don't have to go," Blair whispers. "You can come to work with me."
Lilah stares at her; Serena's eyes, not quite willing to hope. "Seriously?"
She nods. "Seriously."
"That...that would be okay, right?" Lilah asks carefully. "I mean, Mom wouldn't've cared if I missed one more day..."
Blair's throat feels full of something, a laugh or a sob. "No," she agrees softy. "She wouldn't care."
In a cowardly move, she texts Dan to tell him.
Lilah wasn't ready for school. She's at work with me.
His reply is simple: Okay.
She doesn't think about it again for two hours, busy trying to re-adjust to her workload and keep Lilah entertained, but when she finally checks her phone again, there's another message from Dan. Do you need anything?
She sighs, slumping back in her chair. I don't know.
Points for honesty, Waldorf, is his response, half a second later.
She laughs out loud and covers her mouth with her hand.
I hate you, Humphrey, she tells him, and turns her phone off.
She takes Lilah out of the office during her lunch break, telling her niece that their destination is a secret as they get into the cab. She makes Lilah cover her ears as she tells the driver to take them to the Met.
Lilah's surprise is palpable when they arrive. "This is it?" she asks as they walk up the steps. "This is where we're going?"
"We're here," Blair confirms, tucking the skirt of her dress carefully under herself as she sits down, hoping the steps aren't too dirty. "Sit down, Li."
Lilah hesitates for a moment. In her seersucker skirt, gazing out onto the street, she looks like her mother come back to life for half a heartbeat. "Mom brought me here," she whispers.
Blair's eyes snap up to Lilah's face. "She did?"
"Yeah." Lilah sits. "She said she liked to think here."
"I didn't know that," Blair murmurs. "Your mom and I spent a lot of time here during our years at Constance. We ate lunch here nearly everyday."
Her niece looks at her, eyes full of knowledge the way only a child's can be. "You miss Mom a lot, too."
Blair nods and swallows before she manages to say, "I do. Very much."
Lilah picks at the hem of her skirt. "D'you know why I really hate it?"
Blair tilts her head slightly, studying the little girl. "Why, sweetheart?"
"Because - " Lilah takes a shuddering breath. "It won't go away. It won't ever go away." Her jaw works momentarily and she blinks purposefully. "They can never come back."
"No," Blair agrees gently, feeling the weight of those words, "They can't."
Lilah's chin trembles and she looks so much like Serena, in those moments when Lily would leave, that Blair has to actively keep herself from reaching out to give the little girl a hug. "It makes me scared," she whispers.
"Why does it make you scared, Li?"
"Because...because when I'm sick I only feel better if Daddy tucks me in at night. And because no one makes grilled cheese sandwiches the same way Mommy does. And...I never know what to be for Halloween or what to write on my valentines until Mommy helps me, and she tells the dentist that I want the bubblegum toothpaste not the mint toothpaste because I don't like to talk to the dentist. And Daddy said I'm not allowed to marry a boy that he doesn't like, but if he's dead then he can't like anybody, and now I'm never allowed to get married."
The words are a rush, and they overwhelm Blair a bit - the heartbreaking simplicity of them. She's not quite sure, in this moment, how to deal with any of that, but there is one thing she's sure of, and it fills her up with the oddest kind of confidence.
Lilah answered her question. She opened up, admitted her fears, and laid them Blair's feet. She answered, honestly - and even at nine years old, Serena wouldn't have done that.
"Lilah," Blair says softly, touching the little girl's blonde hair tenderly, fingers combing through tangled strands. "Baby, you are going to be okay."
"You look tired," Dan comments softly when he walks into the sun room that night, only about half an hour after bedtime for the children.
Blair waves a hand toward him, hardly glancing up. "Says the pot to the kettle."
He makes a sound halfway between a chuckle and a snort as he slouches onto the other end of the sofa. "That's fair."
"We're both used to having no kids, and now we have four. It's an adjustment."
"Speaking of adjusting..." He turns his head toward her. "How was Lilah today? She went to bed so early."
Blair leafs through the pages in her binder. "She misses her parents. She'll always miss her parents."
"You two talked?"
She nods, giving up on pretending to pay attention to her work. "Apparently one of us is going to have to learn to make grilled cheese sandwiches like Serena."
Dan sighs. "That sounds impossible."
She rubs at the bridge of her nose. "It is impossible. She needs her mother and her father. They all do."
"But they have to make do with us." He closes his eyes for a moment. "Poor kids."
"Don't be self-deprecating," she murmurs. "You're good with them, all of them."
"Don't make me the exception," he volleys back. "You're good with them, too."
"Mm," she says, noncommittal.
"You are," he insists. "You did exactly what Lilah needed you to do today. You knew what was right for her."
"That doesn't mean I'll always know, Dan," she sighs. "Today could have been a complete fluke."
"I'm handing you a victory here," he teases her quietly. "The Blair Waldorf I know and love would've taken it by now."
His words give her pause, but she tries to shake off the momentary shock, returning her attention to her binder.
Dan coughs. "I didn't mean - "
"It doesn't matter what you meant."
He sighs, clearly exasperated. "Are you honestly expecting to spend the next two decades parenting the four children of our best friends with me without once discussing what happened between us this morning?"
"You're tired. I'm tired. Now isn't the time."
"Blair - " He sighs again. "Will there ever be a time?"
She opens her mouth to reply and then shuts it again. "Out of the mouths of babes," she murmurs, more to herself than to Dan.
"What?" he asks, softening his tone.
"When Lilah and I talked today," she explains. "She said something that..." She sighs. "She said that what she hated most about losing her parents was that it would never be over. She'll never stop missing Nate and Serena. She'll never stop hurting over it. She can't, because the only thing that could end it would be for them to come back, and they can't. It'll never be over."
Dan stares at her for a long moment, trying to read between the lines. "What are you saying?" he finally wonders.
"You and I," she says carefully. "I'm not sure we'll ever be over. Time clearly doesn't matter, because you kissed me and I - " She glances down. "I let you."
"And if I kissed you again - "
She glances up at him, lips in an almost-smirk. "Don't be presumptuous."
He smiles at her and her heart flutters. "I would never."
"It's more now, Dan," she says, soft and serious. "Before, there were risks, I know - maybe I was in love with...Chuck, maybe we'd hurt Serena. And there was the issue of my engagement... We were stupid, but those were all valid concerns. And now the concerns are much more important, the stakes are much higher. Relationships, no matter how you want to define them, require work and...they fall apart. We can't throw the kids into any more turmoil."
"You really think that after all this time - "
"It doesn't matter. That's...it's irrelevant."
He blows out his breath. "What are you trying to tell me?"
"I'm trying to tell you...that co-parenting is enough work in and off itself, and I'm much more concerned with the children than with...us."
"Of course. They're my first priority, too," he says, looking insulted that she'd even suggest otherwise.
"Stop pushing this, then." She closes her binder. "There's no point in discussing the kiss - it's there, it will probably always be there. Whatever attraction exists between us can't be resolved in a conversation. Talking about it won't do us any good, just like talking about Serena and Nate won't miraculously bring them back to life."
"Blair...you can't just ignore what you want - "
"Humphrey," she cuts him off. "Don't assume that you know what I want."
His hand is on her cheek then, fingers brushing her hairline, and his kiss doesn't take her by surprise, not even for a moment.
"We won't talk," he breathes against her lips.
"I hate you," she whispers to him, her hands landing on his shoulders, her binder toppling to the floor. "I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone."
He has the audacity to laugh. "You're still talking."
"You're still kissing me," she mumbles.
"Are we compromising?" he wonders teasingly.
"You and me?" She laughs, her head tipping back as his lip trail down her neck. "Impossible."
The knock on the door comes just when Dan's undoing the zipper of her dress, his fingertips trailing down her spine.
"Fuck," he mutters. "Ignore it."
She hesitates, toying with the buttons on his plaid shirt. "I..."
"Shh." He covers her mouth with his. "No talking."
She laughs lightly and nips at his lips. "Just...wait. It's late, it must be...Lily, or maybe Eric back in the city..."
"They'll come back tomorrow," he protests.
She laughs again, and this time it's more of a giggle, girlish and a little breathless. "Just let me get it...I'll be right back."
He sighs and gives her one last, quick kiss. "I don't believe you," he tells her solemnly, sitting up on the sofa and giving her room to stand.
She rolls her eyes and gets up, padding out of the room in her stocking feet. She makes a half-hearted attempt to smooth out the mess her hair has become and tugs the zipper of her dress up as far as she can get it. She touches her thumb to her bottom lip just before she reaches the door, hoping that her lipstick isn't smudged.
She is honestly expecting Lily Humphrey to be standing on the other side of the door; the person she finds instead makes her breath catch in her throat and her heart stutter in surprise.
"Chuck?" she says softly.
He looks her over lasciviously, knowledge flickering in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he says lowly. "That I couldn't be here sooner."
tbc.