Wonderful World (one shot)
Title: Wonderful World
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: PG
Word count: 5392
Warnings: None, unless probable tears is a warning.
Spoilers: Slight 2.06/2.16
Disclaimer: Not mine. Damn.
Summary: Kurt was used to feeling like he was missing something, like there was something he just couldn't quite remember. After all, a good eight months of his life had been ripped away, taken from him when he got into that damn car accident. He supposed he was lucky that was all that was taken from him, but missing memories...as much as he tried, he just couldn't get those months back.
Author's note: Inspired by ithilien22's one shot Do-Over because, well it was so breathtakingly beautiful that I had to continue it, if only to mend my own broken heart. Don't need to have read the other story to understand or follow, though it does pick up where hers leaves off, and it is a seriously beautiful and incredibly well written story. I can't say enough good things about it, so you should read it, if you can handle the tears. I can only hope that I do the story justice and have written this half as well as she wrote that. Much thanks to callmerayray for her willingness to beta my ramblings as always.
Wonderful World
Well I know it's a wonderful world,
but I can't feel it right now.
I thought I was doing well
but I'm just wanna cry now.
Well I know it's a wonderful world
from the sky down to the sea;
But I can only feel it when you're here - Here with me.
Wonderful World - James Morrison
Kurt was used to feeling like he was missing something, like there was something he just couldn't quite remember. After all, a good eight months of his life had been ripped away, taken from him when he got into that damn car accident. He supposed he was lucky that was all that was taken from him, but missing memories...as much as he tried, he just couldn't get those months back.
He wished he would remember. It was weird, being 18 and a senior in high school when he remembered virtually nothing from his junior year. Occasionally he would ask what had happened during those months that he couldn't remember; he'd ask his Dad, or Finn, or Mercedes, anyone who he would have interacted with on occasion. They'd give the vague details of the school year he couldn't remember, classes he took, places they went, anything with the glee club, but Kurt couldn't shake the feeling that there was something they weren't telling him. Something huge, because in all the stories they told him, it almost felt as if he wasn't there when it happened, like there was a lack of interaction on his part on things that he would have been there for. It confused him, but he didn't press it, and eventually accepted it as them trying to make him feel better about not remembering that part of his life.
So it didn't take him by too much of a surprise when he walked into the Lima Bean one day and saw a face that looked so familiar, but for the life of him he couldn't figure out why. The boy was sitting by himself, sipping his coffee and lost in thought, his dark brown hair slicked back with way too much gel, making it look almost black.(Kurt felt like telling him that a small dollop the size of a quarter would do, he didn't need the whole damn bottle.) He was dressed simply, a black pea coat with a gray and red striped scarf, and gray pants. But those eyes...those eyes that were down cast, that held so much sadness in them, there were something about those eyes that was tugging on Kurt's subconscious, telling him to remember. Remember what, he didn't know, but he felt like he should.
He placed his coffee order then, making a decision, approached the young man sitting alone. He had to know if he knew him somehow.
“I'm sorry, have we met?” The boy looked up then, a bit of surprise on his face at being addressed, but there was something else. Something that said, 'It's you! I can't believe it's you!' but it was gone before Kurt could really process it.
“I don't think so,” the boy replied smoothly and Kurt's heart dropped a little. He had thought for a minute that he had found something that would make him remember. He just kept thinking that if he just found one puzzle piece that the rest would somehow fill in.
“I'm Blaine.” Something of that name tugged on Kurt's brain, but he didn't know why. He was used to that feeling. An unexplained familiarity to something that seemed wholly unconnected with his life. He figured it was just one of those things, that just because the name seemed to be tugging on...something that he didn't know or understand, it didn't mean that it held any meaning or that he knew this boy. After all, if he did know him, why would he lie about it?
“Kurt.” He shook the boy's hand. “Sorry. You just look really familiar.”
“Maybe we knew each other in another life.” There was a sadness in his eyes as he said it. Kurt wished he knew why.
“I don't really believe in that stuff,” Kurt said laughing. But looking at him Kurt kind of wished that he did believe. It was a nice thought, that he and this guy might have known each other before. He imagined that they would get along quite well. And maybe...but that was a silly thought. Kurt didn't know him at all and he was imagining a past-life relationship? Kurt didn't even know if the boy was gay or not.
Kurt's coffee order was called and he went to retrieve it. He came to the conclusion that the boy just had one of those faces. Kurt couldn't help the disappointment that he felt that it wasn't anything more than that.
“Oh,” he said to Blaine as he headed out, pulling him out of whatever reverie he was having, whatever it was it seemed to be causing him pain. Blaine looked rather hopeful for a second as he turned to look at him once again. “It was nice meeting you,” and as he turned around to leave, he saw out of the corner of his eye the boy's face fall again, drifting back into that look of pain, as if he lost something so precious that he would never get back.
~
Over the next week Kurt couldn't shake the feeling that that meeting at the coffee shop held some meaning for him. It wasn't a memory. There were no flashbacks or facts that came rushing to his head, there was just this feeling that that boy, Blaine, that was his name, held some meaning for him. Whether it had something to do with his past that he couldn't remember, he didn't know, and it seemed unlikely anyways, but there was something.... Maybe it was that look in Blaine's eyes, the one that said he was so lost...Kurt could identify with that at least. He felt lost as well. He knew he was lucky to be alive, to have survived, and to only be missing less than a year of his life...well it could have been a lot worse.
But there was a hole in his heart that he couldn't explain. That his family couldn't or wouldn't explain. Something was missing and Kurt couldn't help but feel a loss for whatever it was that he didn't have. Some thing that he somehow felt that he had in the past and didn't have now, even though there was no indication from his friends or family that that was the case. There was something in his head that told him that the coffee shop boy with the sad eyes, even if he didn't hold the answers, maybe he could at least understand where Kurt was coming from. Maybe he could fill the void that was there. Maybe Kurt could help him lose the sadness in his eyes. Maybe they both were exactly what the other needed.
Because those sad eyes, empty and drained, as if he had no reason or purpose anymore, those eyes Kurt couldn't get out of his head. Maybe it was those eyes, more than any little insistent voice in his head that kept nudging him to remember something that wasn't there, that caused Kurt to go back to the coffee shop to search out the boy.
When he got there, earlier than when he had gone before, he wasn't there, but it didn't bother Kurt much. Something told him that he would be there, though he didn't know why he felt so sure of that fact. He ordered his coffee, and then on a whim ordered one for Blaine as well. He knew it was stupid, he didn't even know what his drink was, but his gut instincts told him to get a medium drip, and Kurt's instincts were usually pretty good, so he didn't question them.
He sat down, waiting impatiently for a few minutes, trying to convince himself that this was a good idea when the door to the coffee shop opened, and there he was, in the same coat, scarf, and pants he was in the day before. Kurt mustered up his courage, picked up the two coffees and headed over to the boy, cutting him off before he got in line.
“It's Blaine right?” he asked. He saw that look again, that flash that said he knew Kurt before it smoothed over and it was gone, a polite smile reserved for relative strangers moving into its place.
“Yeah, Kurt was it?”
“Yeah, I...I know this might seem out of the blue and go ahead and tell me it's none of my business, but I couldn't help but notice that when I met you the other day, you seemed kind of down. Like maybe you could use a friend and a listening ear.”
That sadness in the boys eyes ate at Kurt's heart. He wanted to do everything he possibly could to remove that. He didn't know why, but he somehow felt like it was his duty to remove that sadness and put a genuine smile on his face. He wanted to see that smile. He bet it was fantastic.
“It's nothing. Just...remembering something from long ago.”
Kurt sighed softly. “It still hurts though doesn't it?”
There was a small pause as Blaine seemed to be struggling internally before he spoke again in a quiet, broken voice. “Yeah, it still hurts.”
“Sometimes someone to talk to can make it hurt a little less.” He held the second cup out to him. “Sometimes, I feel like I could use a friend to talk to, someone who wasn't involved in my life when the hurt came. I thought...well if you need that, I'm here. You look like you need a friend. I kind of do too so...maybe we could help each other out.”
There was a long pause as Blaine studied Kurt. That ever present sadness was so evident on his broken features, and Kurt wondered for a minute if this was a good idea.
“Yeah, I could use a friend,” Blaine said finally with a small smile and...determination? He took the offered coffee from Kurt and took off the lid to inspect the contents. “Medium drip?” he asked incredulously. “How did you know?”
“I didn't, but I'm usually pretty good at reading people. You seemed like a medium drip kind of guy.”
Kurt saw a little bit of disappointment on his face at that, but he chose to ignore it. For reasons unknown to him he really wanted to get to know Blaine; be a part of his life somehow.
“Yeah, thanks, Kurt.” There seemed to be a lot of weight in those words, but Kurt brushed it off, and just led Blaine to an empty table, where they could sit and get to know each other, hoping that maybe, this new friendship could help heal them both.
~
Over the next couple of months Kurt saw a lot of Blaine. It became a habit for them to meet for coffee everyday, talking about nothing, everything, it didn't matter. Slowly the emptiness and sadness that Kurt saw in Blaine's eyes lessened. Smiles became more frequent, and more genuine, though the sadness didn't ever disappear completely. He often saw a longing in Blaine’s features that Kurt couldn't place. As for Kurt, the void he felt since waking up from his accident was lessening. The more he got to know Blaine, the more the hole in his heart filled, till he hardly knew it was there anymore.
Though there were those confusing moments. Sometimes when Blaine looked at him or smiled in a certain way, Kurt would suddenly get this feeling that he had seen those looks before. When their legs brushed under the table, or Blaine would reach across and hold Kurt's hand absently, Kurt couldn't help but feel a familiarity with those actions that he couldn't explain. There were butterflies in his stomach every time they touched, but it was more than that. It was as if their hands where meant to be entwined together.
The first time Blaine laid his hand on Kurt's, it seemed like he had done it without thinking, as if he had done it a million times before. Kurt just starred at their hands, wishing he knew why it seemed like they belonged together. Blaine's hand had withdrawn quickly, as if he realized what he just did, and apologized, but Kurt just smiled and reached across and entwined their fingers together.
“I like how that feels,” he said, giving Blaine a small smile. “Like they're meant to be like this. Like we're meant to be like this.” Blaine just smiled at that, and it was one of the first truly genuine smiles that Kurt had ever seen on Blaine's face. He could hardly see any of that distant sadness that he had grown so accustomed to seeing.
Then there was the looks he got from his friends and family when Blaine's name started coming up in conversations casually. Those were strange. Like there was this recognition, then panic that Kurt was mentioning the name, and a little confusion as well finished off by a little bit of guilt, before their expression was schooled into one of polite disinterest.
“Who's Blaine?” they would ask, and Kurt would just say it was this guy he had met at a coffee shop, but that they were becoming good friends. More than friends, if Kurt had his way.
They would always look a little guilty as Blaine's name came up more and more. Why would they look guilty? Kurt couldn’t quite figure that out. It didn't help that when they looked like that, when Kurt said Blaine’s name, that he'd get that damn feeling like he should know it, that he should just somehow...
Kurt was falling for Blaine, he knew that. The missing void in his heart said as much, but there was an unease about the situation that he couldn't quite pinpoint. Maybe it had to do with the familiarity to it all. He knew that it shouldn't be like that, but it was somehow. If he could just figure out why everything seemed so familiar, especially Blaine's name....
And then it came to him. That day in the hospital, when Kurt first woke up after his accident, his dad had said something. What did he say? He said that someone was with him... But who? What was that name, he said a name. He said...Blaine. He said Blaine's name. He had said Blaine was with him the whole time, and Kurt had been confused at that because Kurt couldn't remember knowing anyone named Blaine. It had bugged him at first; it was the first indication that there was something wrong with his memory after all, but then his name never came up again, and Kurt eventually forgot about it, but, he was sure that was it. He was sure that that was why, after all these months, the name Blaine seemed just so damn familiar. Blaine had been at the hospital.
But why? Kurt supposed that it could have been a different Blaine, after all, his Blaine claimed not to have met him before, but that didn't seem to make much sense to Kurt. And the more Kurt thought about it, if it had been this Blaine that was at the hospital, it would explain the disconcerting familiarity that Blaine had. There had been times when Blaine would say something about Kurt's life that Kurt was almost positive he hadn't told him yet, and sometimes he saw a wince after Blaine would do that, as if he realized that he slipped somehow. And the sadness. It definitely explained the sadness in Blaine's eyes, and the longing. If Kurt had known Blaine before and not remembered...But why wouldn't Blaine say anything? Why would he pretend they were complete strangers if they had been friends before? Fairly good friends if Blaine had been at the hospital and not left his side, assuming what his dad had said that day was true.
Confused, hurt and angry, Kurt stayed away from the coffee shop, not knowing how to confront his friend. His friend. Who he had wanted to be more with. Almost expected it. Why would his friend, and potential love interest, lie to him about this? If Blaine knew something...Kurt had told him ages ago that he had been in an accident that took away a chunk of memory. That he felt like something was missing because he didn't have those memories. He had confided in him that more than anything he wanted that time back. Why would he pretend like he didn't know anything?
It didn't help matters any, that Blaine kept texting him, calling, leaving messages, asking if something was wrong, if he had done something wrong. Telling him he was worried about him, because it wasn't like him to not show up without a reason. Kurt just ignored them all.
~
Eventually Kurt's anger faded slightly as his loneliness took over. The longer he stayed away from Blaine, the more the hole in his heart grew again. Damn that Blaine Anderson, but Kurt realized that he needed him, whether or not he really was holding out secrets from him. It had been a month since he'd seen him, but it seemed as if it was more like years. He hated the feeling of not having Blaine to confide in more than he hated the idea of Blaine lying to him. Swallowing his pride, he texted Blaine, asking him to meet him at the Lima Bean. They needed to talk.
The text came back right away. Name the time, and Blaine would be there.
When Kurt entered the shop, stoned faced and determined to get answers to his questions, Blaine was already there, sitting nervously at what had become their table, looking so forlorn and worried that Kurt's heart melted a little and he forgot for a moment why he was so mad at Blaine. Especially when said boy was sweeping him into his arms holding him tightly, as if he was scared to let go, like if he let go Kurt would be gone and he would never see him again. Kurt clung to his friend, whispering his apologies and that he missed him too after Blaine confessed how worried he was, how he thought something had happened to him, that he missed him so much he thought that his heart would never heal from the hole that Kurt's absence in his life had made.
They sat down, Kurt feeling awful that he had clearly hurt Blaine, but not so much that he had forgotten why he had stayed away in the first place.
“Blaine, I...” Kurt started, not knowing exactly how he was going to address the issue between them, but knowing he needed answers as much as Blaine needed an explanation for his disappearing act.
“Kurt, if I did anything to upset you, I'm so sorry, but...I...I've kinda grown dependent on having you in my life. Please, don't stay mad at me. Tell me what I did and I'll fix it, I swear! I cant... keep going on without you anymore. I need you... ”
Kurt melted at those words. It was enough to dissipate any residual anger he felt at being left out of the loop.
“I need you too, Blaine,” he whispered.
And then it happened. Blaine's lips were on his so suddenly that Kurt could hardly believe that it was real. The pressure was soft but insistent, and he felt Blaine breathe out a shaky breath against his cheek, his lips moving softly against his, Blaine's hand cupping his cheek. His hand flexed at the suddenness of the kiss, before he reached up, cupping Blaine's jaw, kissing him back for all he was worth, when he was suddenly hit was the realization that they had done this before. Many many times. He didn't know why he knew it, he just knew that there was too much familiarity with the way Blaine moved his lips over Kurt's for this to be their first kiss. He realized then that Blaine wasn't just a friend who had stayed away, he was so, so much more.
He pulled back suddenly, his hands hitting the table, the shock of his realization evident across his face, the anger slowly building back up. Blaine had a huge smile on his face, a blush was forming on his cheeks. Then he saw Kurt's face. His smile dropped. Fear set into his eyes.
“We've done that before.” It wasn't a question.
Blaine's eyes suddenly filled with tears. “You...You remember?”
Kurt's suspicions were confirmed and his anger mounted. “Remember what Blaine? Those eight missing months from before my accident? No, I don't remember. But I know I've heard your name before. I know that your face is familiar. I know that when you hold my hand it feels like you've been holding it forever. I know that when you kissed me just now, it was like deja vu, except that I have no idea why. I don't remember anything, but I feel like I should. And I remember my Dad telling me that a Blaine had stayed at the hospital the whole time I was in a coma. And while I wasn't absoultely positive that you were that Blaine, your reaction just now tells me that I was right. It was you. We were together, and you just disapeared from my life. I need to know why. Why would you stay away? Why would you not tell me who you were?”
Blaine sat looking at Kurt, struggling against his tears. “I...you had lost so much, Kurt. To stay by your side then, having a boyfriend you couldn’t remember, that you may never remember, feeling obligated to be with or to love when you had nothing to base a relationship off of anymore, I couldn't do that to you.”
“Bullshit.” Kurt stared Blaine down, his anger suddenly returning. “I don't believe that for a second, because if that were the case, you wouldn’t have accepted my offer of friendship when I came back to the coffee shop. You would have politely declined and walked out of my life so that I'd never be the wiser. But you stayed. You befriended me again, made me fall for you, all the while letting me believe I didn't know you. Why?”
Blaine took a shuddering breath, absentmindedly brushing away the tears that were falling down his cheeks.
“Because I was afraid,” he finally whispered. “I was hurt that you remembered everything from your life except for me. The one thing that you told me over and over again was the most important to you, and you couldn't remember. And I thought....I couldn't handle it if you never remembered, I couldn't handle staying by your side, loving you so much that it hurts, with you just looking at me not knowing who I am, with none of the love...I couldn't stand by and watch as you moved on with your life, never loving me like I loved you. Like you used to.”
Kurt's heart broke a little at that. “So what changed? Why did you come back into my life? Why didn't you walk away? You could have.”
Blaine shook his head. “Because I never stopped loving you, and there you were, offering me a second chance. A chance to love you again, for you to fall in love with me again. And I... I couldn't pass that up. I couldn't disappear from your life again because...I just wasn't strong enough. I need you too much, Kurt. I meant what I said, I don't know how to live without you. Because...what I was doing before, before you came back to me, it wasn't living. It was existing. But...”
Blaine sat there a long time, wiping away his tears, as Kurt watched him, blinking back his own unshed tears.
“I don't want to exist in a world where you don't love me, Kurt.” His voice was quiet, and Kurt had to strain to hear him. “Even if you're not the same person you were before, because you aren't. You've changed. And maybe you won't ever remember, and that's okay. Because I love you. This you, sitting in front of me right now, that saw a sad pathetic lonely guy sitting alone in a coffee shop and reached out and befriended him. I love you. And I can't exist without you.”
And suddenly Kurt was kissing Blaine again, not caring that Blaine had lied or stayed away. It didn't matter any more. What mattered is that he was here, now, loving him, filling that void in his life, everything he ever needed, and he didn't need to remember those eight months to know that he loved Blaine. He didn't need Blaine to have stayed and worked through his memory loss with him those ten months that he was gone. Because he was here now, and he was in love with Blaine now, and that was all that seemed to matter.
~
It had been three months since that day in the coffee shop. Three months since Kurt had realized who Blaine was, though not remembering anything from before. They had come to an agreement to not talk about it. Kurt didn't want to be reminded of what he didn't have, and Blaine agreed that he could love this Kurt, the Kurt who had been in an accident, the Kurt he had met at a Coffee shop, and befriended and fallen in love with, rather than pushing to bring back the old Kurt, the one that had been lost.
Kurt had confronted his family and friends, told them that he knew that they had held out on him. They apologized of course, told him they didn't like it, but in the end felt like that had to respect Blaine's wishes, and Kurt forgave them for that. He told them, just as he had told Blaine, that he didn't want the details. They didn't seem to matter anymore. Not when Kurt was so happy again. And his family and friends obliged. They were just relieved to see Kurt genuinely smiling again. Happy that Kurt and Blaine had seemed to find their way back to each other, against impossible odds.
They were celebrating their anniversary that night. Blaine had taken him to a fancy restaurant, treating him like a gentleman, and looking at him like the sun rose and set with him. The sadness that Kurt had gotten used to in Blaine's eyes was gone. He didn't see it at all anymore. Blaine had accepted that Kurt would probably never remember, and that was okay. Blaine's smiles were genuine again, and they were all for Kurt. Kurt couldn't begin to describe how lucky he felt to be the cause of those smiles.
They had checked into a room at a nice hotel, having talked about being together for a while now. It was time, and it was right, though Kurt was nervous because although he knew that technically he wasn't a virgin, he still felt like this would be his first time. Blaine assured him that it was okay to be nervous, and to feel that way, because in a way it was their first time together, as this Kurt, and this Blaine. It was their first time as post-accident Kurt and Blaine, and Blaine did his utmost to make sure it was special for the both of them.
They lay next to each other in the hotel room, soft candlelight filling the room, their naked bodies entwined together, slowly touching and exploring each other, exchanging kisses and whispering sweet nothings to each other. Kurt knew that this was where he belonged; in Blaine's arms.
Their passion grew, the urgency mounted, and soon the need for each other became too great. Kurt stared into Blaine's eyes as Blaine slowly rocked into him, being careful not to hurt him. There was so much love there, but his eyes were dark with lust and need too.
“Please, Blaine,” Kurt whispered, and that was all the incentive that Blaine needed to come, crying out Kurt's name, and then Kurt was right there with him, pulling down Blaine's mouth to capture it with his own, calling out Blaine's name into the open and eager mouth that searched his own.
Blaine collapsed on Kurt, and just stayed there for a moment clinging to him and Kurt just held the other boy there, enjoying the feel of his weight on him when it happened. It just wasn't a feeling that he had done this with Blaine before. It was the knowledge that he had in fact been here, with Blaine, like this. He could see it. Every detail. And it didn't stop there. Images of him and Blaine that he had thought had been lost forever came flooding back in varying degrees of clarity but it was there. He remembered. Everything. Their first time, their first kiss, every duet they had ever sung together, he remembered and then there was the strongest image of all. Blaine, standing at the bottom of a grand staircase, shaking his hand and introducing himself for the first time.
“Blaine!” he gasped, tugging his boyfriend up by the arms to look him in the eyes.
“Kurt, are you okay?” Blaine sounded worried at Kurt's sudden cry and the tears that suddenly filled his eyes. “Kurt, sweetheart, what's wrong?”
“No...nothing...I just...Blaine,” he whispered his name and looked at him with an urgency he couldn't describe, not being able to find the words to say what had just happened. He just continued to stare at Blaine, willing him to understand everything he couldn't say.
And suddenly Kurt didn't need to explain. Because Blaine's eyes widened and he knew. He knew what Kurt couldn't voice.
Because the look that Kurt had on his face Blaine hadn't seen in over a year. It was a look of knowing. It said everything that Blaine had ever wanted to hear from Kurt, since that awful day in the hospital when Kurt had asked who he was. Kurt remembered. He didn't know how, or why in that moment above all the rest they had shared together in the last six months, that he would remember now, but it didn't matter. He had meant it when he told Kurt it didn't matter to him if he ever remembered or not, as long as he loved him now. But knowing that he did remember, it made it that much sweeter when they melted into each other once again, celebrating both their new love, and their old one that had been rediscovered once more.
End
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: PG
Word count: 5392
Warnings: None, unless probable tears is a warning.
Spoilers: Slight 2.06/2.16
Disclaimer: Not mine. Damn.
Summary: Kurt was used to feeling like he was missing something, like there was something he just couldn't quite remember. After all, a good eight months of his life had been ripped away, taken from him when he got into that damn car accident. He supposed he was lucky that was all that was taken from him, but missing memories...as much as he tried, he just couldn't get those months back.
Author's note: Inspired by ithilien22's one shot Do-Over because, well it was so breathtakingly beautiful that I had to continue it, if only to mend my own broken heart. Don't need to have read the other story to understand or follow, though it does pick up where hers leaves off, and it is a seriously beautiful and incredibly well written story. I can't say enough good things about it, so you should read it, if you can handle the tears. I can only hope that I do the story justice and have written this half as well as she wrote that. Much thanks to callmerayray for her willingness to beta my ramblings as always.
Wonderful World
Well I know it's a wonderful world,
but I can't feel it right now.
I thought I was doing well
but I'm just wanna cry now.
Well I know it's a wonderful world
from the sky down to the sea;
But I can only feel it when you're here - Here with me.
Wonderful World - James Morrison
Kurt was used to feeling like he was missing something, like there was something he just couldn't quite remember. After all, a good eight months of his life had been ripped away, taken from him when he got into that damn car accident. He supposed he was lucky that was all that was taken from him, but missing memories...as much as he tried, he just couldn't get those months back.
He wished he would remember. It was weird, being 18 and a senior in high school when he remembered virtually nothing from his junior year. Occasionally he would ask what had happened during those months that he couldn't remember; he'd ask his Dad, or Finn, or Mercedes, anyone who he would have interacted with on occasion. They'd give the vague details of the school year he couldn't remember, classes he took, places they went, anything with the glee club, but Kurt couldn't shake the feeling that there was something they weren't telling him. Something huge, because in all the stories they told him, it almost felt as if he wasn't there when it happened, like there was a lack of interaction on his part on things that he would have been there for. It confused him, but he didn't press it, and eventually accepted it as them trying to make him feel better about not remembering that part of his life.
So it didn't take him by too much of a surprise when he walked into the Lima Bean one day and saw a face that looked so familiar, but for the life of him he couldn't figure out why. The boy was sitting by himself, sipping his coffee and lost in thought, his dark brown hair slicked back with way too much gel, making it look almost black.(Kurt felt like telling him that a small dollop the size of a quarter would do, he didn't need the whole damn bottle.) He was dressed simply, a black pea coat with a gray and red striped scarf, and gray pants. But those eyes...those eyes that were down cast, that held so much sadness in them, there were something about those eyes that was tugging on Kurt's subconscious, telling him to remember. Remember what, he didn't know, but he felt like he should.
He placed his coffee order then, making a decision, approached the young man sitting alone. He had to know if he knew him somehow.
“I'm sorry, have we met?” The boy looked up then, a bit of surprise on his face at being addressed, but there was something else. Something that said, 'It's you! I can't believe it's you!' but it was gone before Kurt could really process it.
“I don't think so,” the boy replied smoothly and Kurt's heart dropped a little. He had thought for a minute that he had found something that would make him remember. He just kept thinking that if he just found one puzzle piece that the rest would somehow fill in.
“I'm Blaine.” Something of that name tugged on Kurt's brain, but he didn't know why. He was used to that feeling. An unexplained familiarity to something that seemed wholly unconnected with his life. He figured it was just one of those things, that just because the name seemed to be tugging on...something that he didn't know or understand, it didn't mean that it held any meaning or that he knew this boy. After all, if he did know him, why would he lie about it?
“Kurt.” He shook the boy's hand. “Sorry. You just look really familiar.”
“Maybe we knew each other in another life.” There was a sadness in his eyes as he said it. Kurt wished he knew why.
“I don't really believe in that stuff,” Kurt said laughing. But looking at him Kurt kind of wished that he did believe. It was a nice thought, that he and this guy might have known each other before. He imagined that they would get along quite well. And maybe...but that was a silly thought. Kurt didn't know him at all and he was imagining a past-life relationship? Kurt didn't even know if the boy was gay or not.
Kurt's coffee order was called and he went to retrieve it. He came to the conclusion that the boy just had one of those faces. Kurt couldn't help the disappointment that he felt that it wasn't anything more than that.
“Oh,” he said to Blaine as he headed out, pulling him out of whatever reverie he was having, whatever it was it seemed to be causing him pain. Blaine looked rather hopeful for a second as he turned to look at him once again. “It was nice meeting you,” and as he turned around to leave, he saw out of the corner of his eye the boy's face fall again, drifting back into that look of pain, as if he lost something so precious that he would never get back.
~
Over the next week Kurt couldn't shake the feeling that that meeting at the coffee shop held some meaning for him. It wasn't a memory. There were no flashbacks or facts that came rushing to his head, there was just this feeling that that boy, Blaine, that was his name, held some meaning for him. Whether it had something to do with his past that he couldn't remember, he didn't know, and it seemed unlikely anyways, but there was something.... Maybe it was that look in Blaine's eyes, the one that said he was so lost...Kurt could identify with that at least. He felt lost as well. He knew he was lucky to be alive, to have survived, and to only be missing less than a year of his life...well it could have been a lot worse.
But there was a hole in his heart that he couldn't explain. That his family couldn't or wouldn't explain. Something was missing and Kurt couldn't help but feel a loss for whatever it was that he didn't have. Some thing that he somehow felt that he had in the past and didn't have now, even though there was no indication from his friends or family that that was the case. There was something in his head that told him that the coffee shop boy with the sad eyes, even if he didn't hold the answers, maybe he could at least understand where Kurt was coming from. Maybe he could fill the void that was there. Maybe Kurt could help him lose the sadness in his eyes. Maybe they both were exactly what the other needed.
Because those sad eyes, empty and drained, as if he had no reason or purpose anymore, those eyes Kurt couldn't get out of his head. Maybe it was those eyes, more than any little insistent voice in his head that kept nudging him to remember something that wasn't there, that caused Kurt to go back to the coffee shop to search out the boy.
When he got there, earlier than when he had gone before, he wasn't there, but it didn't bother Kurt much. Something told him that he would be there, though he didn't know why he felt so sure of that fact. He ordered his coffee, and then on a whim ordered one for Blaine as well. He knew it was stupid, he didn't even know what his drink was, but his gut instincts told him to get a medium drip, and Kurt's instincts were usually pretty good, so he didn't question them.
He sat down, waiting impatiently for a few minutes, trying to convince himself that this was a good idea when the door to the coffee shop opened, and there he was, in the same coat, scarf, and pants he was in the day before. Kurt mustered up his courage, picked up the two coffees and headed over to the boy, cutting him off before he got in line.
“It's Blaine right?” he asked. He saw that look again, that flash that said he knew Kurt before it smoothed over and it was gone, a polite smile reserved for relative strangers moving into its place.
“Yeah, Kurt was it?”
“Yeah, I...I know this might seem out of the blue and go ahead and tell me it's none of my business, but I couldn't help but notice that when I met you the other day, you seemed kind of down. Like maybe you could use a friend and a listening ear.”
That sadness in the boys eyes ate at Kurt's heart. He wanted to do everything he possibly could to remove that. He didn't know why, but he somehow felt like it was his duty to remove that sadness and put a genuine smile on his face. He wanted to see that smile. He bet it was fantastic.
“It's nothing. Just...remembering something from long ago.”
Kurt sighed softly. “It still hurts though doesn't it?”
There was a small pause as Blaine seemed to be struggling internally before he spoke again in a quiet, broken voice. “Yeah, it still hurts.”
“Sometimes someone to talk to can make it hurt a little less.” He held the second cup out to him. “Sometimes, I feel like I could use a friend to talk to, someone who wasn't involved in my life when the hurt came. I thought...well if you need that, I'm here. You look like you need a friend. I kind of do too so...maybe we could help each other out.”
There was a long pause as Blaine studied Kurt. That ever present sadness was so evident on his broken features, and Kurt wondered for a minute if this was a good idea.
“Yeah, I could use a friend,” Blaine said finally with a small smile and...determination? He took the offered coffee from Kurt and took off the lid to inspect the contents. “Medium drip?” he asked incredulously. “How did you know?”
“I didn't, but I'm usually pretty good at reading people. You seemed like a medium drip kind of guy.”
Kurt saw a little bit of disappointment on his face at that, but he chose to ignore it. For reasons unknown to him he really wanted to get to know Blaine; be a part of his life somehow.
“Yeah, thanks, Kurt.” There seemed to be a lot of weight in those words, but Kurt brushed it off, and just led Blaine to an empty table, where they could sit and get to know each other, hoping that maybe, this new friendship could help heal them both.
~
Over the next couple of months Kurt saw a lot of Blaine. It became a habit for them to meet for coffee everyday, talking about nothing, everything, it didn't matter. Slowly the emptiness and sadness that Kurt saw in Blaine's eyes lessened. Smiles became more frequent, and more genuine, though the sadness didn't ever disappear completely. He often saw a longing in Blaine’s features that Kurt couldn't place. As for Kurt, the void he felt since waking up from his accident was lessening. The more he got to know Blaine, the more the hole in his heart filled, till he hardly knew it was there anymore.
Though there were those confusing moments. Sometimes when Blaine looked at him or smiled in a certain way, Kurt would suddenly get this feeling that he had seen those looks before. When their legs brushed under the table, or Blaine would reach across and hold Kurt's hand absently, Kurt couldn't help but feel a familiarity with those actions that he couldn't explain. There were butterflies in his stomach every time they touched, but it was more than that. It was as if their hands where meant to be entwined together.
The first time Blaine laid his hand on Kurt's, it seemed like he had done it without thinking, as if he had done it a million times before. Kurt just starred at their hands, wishing he knew why it seemed like they belonged together. Blaine's hand had withdrawn quickly, as if he realized what he just did, and apologized, but Kurt just smiled and reached across and entwined their fingers together.
“I like how that feels,” he said, giving Blaine a small smile. “Like they're meant to be like this. Like we're meant to be like this.” Blaine just smiled at that, and it was one of the first truly genuine smiles that Kurt had ever seen on Blaine's face. He could hardly see any of that distant sadness that he had grown so accustomed to seeing.
Then there was the looks he got from his friends and family when Blaine's name started coming up in conversations casually. Those were strange. Like there was this recognition, then panic that Kurt was mentioning the name, and a little confusion as well finished off by a little bit of guilt, before their expression was schooled into one of polite disinterest.
“Who's Blaine?” they would ask, and Kurt would just say it was this guy he had met at a coffee shop, but that they were becoming good friends. More than friends, if Kurt had his way.
They would always look a little guilty as Blaine's name came up more and more. Why would they look guilty? Kurt couldn’t quite figure that out. It didn't help that when they looked like that, when Kurt said Blaine’s name, that he'd get that damn feeling like he should know it, that he should just somehow...
Kurt was falling for Blaine, he knew that. The missing void in his heart said as much, but there was an unease about the situation that he couldn't quite pinpoint. Maybe it had to do with the familiarity to it all. He knew that it shouldn't be like that, but it was somehow. If he could just figure out why everything seemed so familiar, especially Blaine's name....
And then it came to him. That day in the hospital, when Kurt first woke up after his accident, his dad had said something. What did he say? He said that someone was with him... But who? What was that name, he said a name. He said...Blaine. He said Blaine's name. He had said Blaine was with him the whole time, and Kurt had been confused at that because Kurt couldn't remember knowing anyone named Blaine. It had bugged him at first; it was the first indication that there was something wrong with his memory after all, but then his name never came up again, and Kurt eventually forgot about it, but, he was sure that was it. He was sure that that was why, after all these months, the name Blaine seemed just so damn familiar. Blaine had been at the hospital.
But why? Kurt supposed that it could have been a different Blaine, after all, his Blaine claimed not to have met him before, but that didn't seem to make much sense to Kurt. And the more Kurt thought about it, if it had been this Blaine that was at the hospital, it would explain the disconcerting familiarity that Blaine had. There had been times when Blaine would say something about Kurt's life that Kurt was almost positive he hadn't told him yet, and sometimes he saw a wince after Blaine would do that, as if he realized that he slipped somehow. And the sadness. It definitely explained the sadness in Blaine's eyes, and the longing. If Kurt had known Blaine before and not remembered...But why wouldn't Blaine say anything? Why would he pretend they were complete strangers if they had been friends before? Fairly good friends if Blaine had been at the hospital and not left his side, assuming what his dad had said that day was true.
Confused, hurt and angry, Kurt stayed away from the coffee shop, not knowing how to confront his friend. His friend. Who he had wanted to be more with. Almost expected it. Why would his friend, and potential love interest, lie to him about this? If Blaine knew something...Kurt had told him ages ago that he had been in an accident that took away a chunk of memory. That he felt like something was missing because he didn't have those memories. He had confided in him that more than anything he wanted that time back. Why would he pretend like he didn't know anything?
It didn't help matters any, that Blaine kept texting him, calling, leaving messages, asking if something was wrong, if he had done something wrong. Telling him he was worried about him, because it wasn't like him to not show up without a reason. Kurt just ignored them all.
~
Eventually Kurt's anger faded slightly as his loneliness took over. The longer he stayed away from Blaine, the more the hole in his heart grew again. Damn that Blaine Anderson, but Kurt realized that he needed him, whether or not he really was holding out secrets from him. It had been a month since he'd seen him, but it seemed as if it was more like years. He hated the feeling of not having Blaine to confide in more than he hated the idea of Blaine lying to him. Swallowing his pride, he texted Blaine, asking him to meet him at the Lima Bean. They needed to talk.
The text came back right away. Name the time, and Blaine would be there.
When Kurt entered the shop, stoned faced and determined to get answers to his questions, Blaine was already there, sitting nervously at what had become their table, looking so forlorn and worried that Kurt's heart melted a little and he forgot for a moment why he was so mad at Blaine. Especially when said boy was sweeping him into his arms holding him tightly, as if he was scared to let go, like if he let go Kurt would be gone and he would never see him again. Kurt clung to his friend, whispering his apologies and that he missed him too after Blaine confessed how worried he was, how he thought something had happened to him, that he missed him so much he thought that his heart would never heal from the hole that Kurt's absence in his life had made.
They sat down, Kurt feeling awful that he had clearly hurt Blaine, but not so much that he had forgotten why he had stayed away in the first place.
“Blaine, I...” Kurt started, not knowing exactly how he was going to address the issue between them, but knowing he needed answers as much as Blaine needed an explanation for his disappearing act.
“Kurt, if I did anything to upset you, I'm so sorry, but...I...I've kinda grown dependent on having you in my life. Please, don't stay mad at me. Tell me what I did and I'll fix it, I swear! I cant... keep going on without you anymore. I need you... ”
Kurt melted at those words. It was enough to dissipate any residual anger he felt at being left out of the loop.
“I need you too, Blaine,” he whispered.
And then it happened. Blaine's lips were on his so suddenly that Kurt could hardly believe that it was real. The pressure was soft but insistent, and he felt Blaine breathe out a shaky breath against his cheek, his lips moving softly against his, Blaine's hand cupping his cheek. His hand flexed at the suddenness of the kiss, before he reached up, cupping Blaine's jaw, kissing him back for all he was worth, when he was suddenly hit was the realization that they had done this before. Many many times. He didn't know why he knew it, he just knew that there was too much familiarity with the way Blaine moved his lips over Kurt's for this to be their first kiss. He realized then that Blaine wasn't just a friend who had stayed away, he was so, so much more.
He pulled back suddenly, his hands hitting the table, the shock of his realization evident across his face, the anger slowly building back up. Blaine had a huge smile on his face, a blush was forming on his cheeks. Then he saw Kurt's face. His smile dropped. Fear set into his eyes.
“We've done that before.” It wasn't a question.
Blaine's eyes suddenly filled with tears. “You...You remember?”
Kurt's suspicions were confirmed and his anger mounted. “Remember what Blaine? Those eight missing months from before my accident? No, I don't remember. But I know I've heard your name before. I know that your face is familiar. I know that when you hold my hand it feels like you've been holding it forever. I know that when you kissed me just now, it was like deja vu, except that I have no idea why. I don't remember anything, but I feel like I should. And I remember my Dad telling me that a Blaine had stayed at the hospital the whole time I was in a coma. And while I wasn't absoultely positive that you were that Blaine, your reaction just now tells me that I was right. It was you. We were together, and you just disapeared from my life. I need to know why. Why would you stay away? Why would you not tell me who you were?”
Blaine sat looking at Kurt, struggling against his tears. “I...you had lost so much, Kurt. To stay by your side then, having a boyfriend you couldn’t remember, that you may never remember, feeling obligated to be with or to love when you had nothing to base a relationship off of anymore, I couldn't do that to you.”
“Bullshit.” Kurt stared Blaine down, his anger suddenly returning. “I don't believe that for a second, because if that were the case, you wouldn’t have accepted my offer of friendship when I came back to the coffee shop. You would have politely declined and walked out of my life so that I'd never be the wiser. But you stayed. You befriended me again, made me fall for you, all the while letting me believe I didn't know you. Why?”
Blaine took a shuddering breath, absentmindedly brushing away the tears that were falling down his cheeks.
“Because I was afraid,” he finally whispered. “I was hurt that you remembered everything from your life except for me. The one thing that you told me over and over again was the most important to you, and you couldn't remember. And I thought....I couldn't handle it if you never remembered, I couldn't handle staying by your side, loving you so much that it hurts, with you just looking at me not knowing who I am, with none of the love...I couldn't stand by and watch as you moved on with your life, never loving me like I loved you. Like you used to.”
Kurt's heart broke a little at that. “So what changed? Why did you come back into my life? Why didn't you walk away? You could have.”
Blaine shook his head. “Because I never stopped loving you, and there you were, offering me a second chance. A chance to love you again, for you to fall in love with me again. And I... I couldn't pass that up. I couldn't disappear from your life again because...I just wasn't strong enough. I need you too much, Kurt. I meant what I said, I don't know how to live without you. Because...what I was doing before, before you came back to me, it wasn't living. It was existing. But...”
Blaine sat there a long time, wiping away his tears, as Kurt watched him, blinking back his own unshed tears.
“I don't want to exist in a world where you don't love me, Kurt.” His voice was quiet, and Kurt had to strain to hear him. “Even if you're not the same person you were before, because you aren't. You've changed. And maybe you won't ever remember, and that's okay. Because I love you. This you, sitting in front of me right now, that saw a sad pathetic lonely guy sitting alone in a coffee shop and reached out and befriended him. I love you. And I can't exist without you.”
And suddenly Kurt was kissing Blaine again, not caring that Blaine had lied or stayed away. It didn't matter any more. What mattered is that he was here, now, loving him, filling that void in his life, everything he ever needed, and he didn't need to remember those eight months to know that he loved Blaine. He didn't need Blaine to have stayed and worked through his memory loss with him those ten months that he was gone. Because he was here now, and he was in love with Blaine now, and that was all that seemed to matter.
~
It had been three months since that day in the coffee shop. Three months since Kurt had realized who Blaine was, though not remembering anything from before. They had come to an agreement to not talk about it. Kurt didn't want to be reminded of what he didn't have, and Blaine agreed that he could love this Kurt, the Kurt who had been in an accident, the Kurt he had met at a Coffee shop, and befriended and fallen in love with, rather than pushing to bring back the old Kurt, the one that had been lost.
Kurt had confronted his family and friends, told them that he knew that they had held out on him. They apologized of course, told him they didn't like it, but in the end felt like that had to respect Blaine's wishes, and Kurt forgave them for that. He told them, just as he had told Blaine, that he didn't want the details. They didn't seem to matter anymore. Not when Kurt was so happy again. And his family and friends obliged. They were just relieved to see Kurt genuinely smiling again. Happy that Kurt and Blaine had seemed to find their way back to each other, against impossible odds.
They were celebrating their anniversary that night. Blaine had taken him to a fancy restaurant, treating him like a gentleman, and looking at him like the sun rose and set with him. The sadness that Kurt had gotten used to in Blaine's eyes was gone. He didn't see it at all anymore. Blaine had accepted that Kurt would probably never remember, and that was okay. Blaine's smiles were genuine again, and they were all for Kurt. Kurt couldn't begin to describe how lucky he felt to be the cause of those smiles.
They had checked into a room at a nice hotel, having talked about being together for a while now. It was time, and it was right, though Kurt was nervous because although he knew that technically he wasn't a virgin, he still felt like this would be his first time. Blaine assured him that it was okay to be nervous, and to feel that way, because in a way it was their first time together, as this Kurt, and this Blaine. It was their first time as post-accident Kurt and Blaine, and Blaine did his utmost to make sure it was special for the both of them.
They lay next to each other in the hotel room, soft candlelight filling the room, their naked bodies entwined together, slowly touching and exploring each other, exchanging kisses and whispering sweet nothings to each other. Kurt knew that this was where he belonged; in Blaine's arms.
Their passion grew, the urgency mounted, and soon the need for each other became too great. Kurt stared into Blaine's eyes as Blaine slowly rocked into him, being careful not to hurt him. There was so much love there, but his eyes were dark with lust and need too.
“Please, Blaine,” Kurt whispered, and that was all the incentive that Blaine needed to come, crying out Kurt's name, and then Kurt was right there with him, pulling down Blaine's mouth to capture it with his own, calling out Blaine's name into the open and eager mouth that searched his own.
Blaine collapsed on Kurt, and just stayed there for a moment clinging to him and Kurt just held the other boy there, enjoying the feel of his weight on him when it happened. It just wasn't a feeling that he had done this with Blaine before. It was the knowledge that he had in fact been here, with Blaine, like this. He could see it. Every detail. And it didn't stop there. Images of him and Blaine that he had thought had been lost forever came flooding back in varying degrees of clarity but it was there. He remembered. Everything. Their first time, their first kiss, every duet they had ever sung together, he remembered and then there was the strongest image of all. Blaine, standing at the bottom of a grand staircase, shaking his hand and introducing himself for the first time.
“Blaine!” he gasped, tugging his boyfriend up by the arms to look him in the eyes.
“Kurt, are you okay?” Blaine sounded worried at Kurt's sudden cry and the tears that suddenly filled his eyes. “Kurt, sweetheart, what's wrong?”
“No...nothing...I just...Blaine,” he whispered his name and looked at him with an urgency he couldn't describe, not being able to find the words to say what had just happened. He just continued to stare at Blaine, willing him to understand everything he couldn't say.
And suddenly Kurt didn't need to explain. Because Blaine's eyes widened and he knew. He knew what Kurt couldn't voice.
Because the look that Kurt had on his face Blaine hadn't seen in over a year. It was a look of knowing. It said everything that Blaine had ever wanted to hear from Kurt, since that awful day in the hospital when Kurt had asked who he was. Kurt remembered. He didn't know how, or why in that moment above all the rest they had shared together in the last six months, that he would remember now, but it didn't matter. He had meant it when he told Kurt it didn't matter to him if he ever remembered or not, as long as he loved him now. But knowing that he did remember, it made it that much sweeter when they melted into each other once again, celebrating both their new love, and their old one that had been rediscovered once more.
End