The Radio-active, Mutant, Demonspawn From Hell
Title: The Radio-active, Mutant, Demon Spawn From Hell
Pairing/Characters: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: PG-13 (but sadly, just for swearing)
Word count: 4718
Warnings: Humor? No really, for us that's a warning. We... don't do funny. We like our angst too much.
Spoilers: for 2.16
Disclaimer: A sad fact of life, but Glee is not ours. Damn it.
Summary: “It was in the sheets, Kurt. The sheets. The clean sheets. And it was huge. The most monstrous thing you've ever seen. It was... and it moved. It came for me. It tried to eat me!" (Or: where-in there is a lot of screaming, and total crack!fic ahead.)
Author's note: So... this is a collaboration with callmerayray (meaning, she wrote most of it and yelled at me when I tried to change things). Also, it's based on real life events. Yes, the epic battle with the radio-active demonspawn ACTUALLY happened. This is not a dramatization. The role of myself is played by Blaine Anderson, while callmerayray's part in this epic tale will be taken by one Kurt Hummel.
This story is not for the faint of heart.
The Radio-active, Mutant, Demon Spawn From Hell
Blaine was cleaning his room. He wouldn't normally, to be quite honest. He was a sixteen year old boy after all, he just didn't care. But this was the first time Kurt would be over to his room since... well. Blaine stopped throwing dirty clothes into a pile to smile at the memory. The Kiss. (And yes, it was totally capitalized in his brain.)
It had been the most phenomenal moment of his life, when Kurt had gone from passive bystander to active participant when Blaine had kissed him that first time. He had suddenly found himself regretting all those months he had spent being oblivious. All that time lost, when he could have known how amazing Kurt Hummel tasted, how wonderful it was to feel that soft, pink mouth against his own.
And now they were...what? Boyfriends? They hadn't put a label on it yet, but they were more, certainly. So much more. And Blaine suddenly found himself wanting to impress Kurt. Wanting him to see that Blaine was worth the wait.
So he was cleaning, trying to sort his room into some sort of organized state before Kurt got there for their 'Grey's Anatomy' night. Kurt had informed him that under no circumstances was it okay that he had never seen the show before, so he was coming over with season one to educate him.
He kicked a few things under his bed, then wandered out into the hallway to the linen closet for clean sheets. The only place in his room to sit was the bed, and, after having been in Kurt's room Blaine knew that Kurt would not abide by sitting on sheets that hadn't been washed in far too long.
He set the clean sheets on his desk, then quickly stripped the old set and dropped them on top of the dirty clothes. He'd take it all to the laundry room later.
He got the fitted sheet tucked in well enough, then with a flick of his wrists he shook out the top sheet over the bed.
That's when it happened. That's when he saw... it.
The scream ripped from his throat and he stood there in mortal horror, staring fixedly at the place where it was. On his bed. It was on his BED. He hardly registered that he was still screaming, that his heart was pounding out of his chest.
And then... it moved.
***
Kurt checked himself in his rear-view mirror one last time, pushing a lock of hair back into place before sliding out of the front seat, his book bag over one shoulder, a Chinese carry-out bag in the other.
This wasn't a date. Not officially. Kurt didn't think they were doing anything officially yet. But it had all the potential to be... something. To be honest, the whole thing kind of messed with Kurt's head. They weren't, now they were. Only not really. It was confusing.
All he knew was that Blaine wanted to spend time with him alone, in a way that was wholly different from before. After all, before had never consisted of copious amounts of making out in dark corners and empty classrooms all around Dalton. It had never had the smiles with meaning, or the brush of their fingertips as they're passing in the halls.
Hopefully, at the end of this night they would have a clearer definition of where they stood with each other. Kurt smiled to himself in the mirror one more time then made his way quickly to the front door.
Before he had even knocked the door was flung open and he was met with a wide-eyed, pale Blaine, his hands gripping whitely at the door frame.
“I can't ever go in there ever again,” Blaine hissed out through clenched teeth.
“Wha-”
“I can never step foot into my room again. Not ever.”
“Blaine, what are you-”
“I'll have to sleep on the couch. I'll have to wear these clothes for the rest of my life, because the rest are being held hostage by that THING.”
Kurt stood on the porch, watching Blaine’s wide-eyed rant, completely and utterly confused.
“Blaine,” he said, slowly but firmly, forcing Blaine to catch his eye. “What are you talking about?”
“It was in the sheets, Kurt. The sheets. The clean sheets. And it was huge. The most monstrous thing you've ever seen. It was... and it moved. It came for me. It tried to eat me! And it's still in there. Hiding. Waiting for me to come back in so it can suck my blood dry.”
Kurt eyes wandered over Blaine’s pale, shaking form once more.
“You're talking about a spider.”
Blaine blinked owlishly, as if Kurt were being dense. “Yes, it's a spider, what else would it be? A vampire? There's a spider the size of a tennis ball in my room!”
Kurt bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing out loud. He pushed passed Blaine into the front hallway of the house and turned around to face the other boy, looking at him teasingly.
All this over a spider? A spider that was most definitely not the size of a tennis ball, Kurt could guarantee it. It was cute really, this overly exaggerated fear.
Kurt understood arachnophobia. Really he did. He was the first to admit that he suffered from it himself. He had once sat on the kitchen counter for half an hour while his dad searched out the beastly thing that had crawled under the living room couch.
But come on. If there was no one else around to kill the darn things, well, he at least had the courage to get the job done. When it all boiled down to it, they were just bugs after all.
“It's in your room?” Kurt asked, setting his bag and the food down on the small table next to the door.
“Y-yes,” Blaine stammered warily, his eyes darting towards the stairs that led up to his room.
Kurt sighed and shook his head, turning away from Blaine. “Let's go kill it.”
He had barely taken one step toward the stairs when he felt Blaine’s strong grip on his shoulders, spinning him back around. “You don't understand!” he hissed, his fingers digging in desperately. “This thing is... it's huge. It's the biggest spider I've ever seen outside of a ZOO! This thing... it's not natural. It's... it's like demon spawn. It's demon spawn from the depths of hell. There is no killing it! We're going to have to move.”
Kurt lifted his hands to where Blaine was gripping him tightly, peeling his fingers back slowly. “Blaine, it's just a spider.”
“You don't get it!”
Kurt pushed Blaine away gently and immediately turned toward the stairs, taking the first few quickly before Blaine could stop him again. This was getting ridiculous. It was just a spider! His maybe-boyfriend had gone insane. He was going to have to be sedated over a stupid little spider.
Kurt made it to the top of the stairs, Blaine coming up slowly behind him, and to the door of Blaine’s room. He cast one last look at Blaine, pale and almost trembling behind him, and threw the door open. He ignored Blaine’s slight jump, stalking into the room and stopping in the middle of... wow.
Kurt couldn't imagine living in a room like this. There was a pile of dirty clothes in one corner of the floor, heaped high enough as to almost overtake the desk beside it. Cd's and sheet music were strewn about all over the place. The surfaces of his desk and dresser were filled with nicknacks and school books and half written papers.
Kurt raised one judgmental eyebrow at Blaine who was still cowering by the door.
“I was... I was trying to clean it. Then I was attacked.”
“Oh my god.” Kurt glanced around the room again but didn't see any tennis balls with legs running around. “Where is it?”
Kurt looked back at Blaine and saw that he had picked up a shoe, gripping it like his life depended on it. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Where, Blaine?”
Blaine pointed one shaking finger toward the bed. “It went... down. Under there. It's... it's under my bed. It was IN my bed. I can never sleep there again.”
Kurt eyed the bed in disgust. There was no way he was crawling under there to find the thing. He may be willing to kill it without assistance (because he certainly wasn't getting any from Blaine), but being in a tight space, in the dark, trapped with the thing... no thank you.
An idea popped into his head and he turned to Blaine with a grin. “Go get Basil.”
Blaine blinked at him, still wielding the shoe. “My cat?”
“Yes, your cat. We can stuff him under there and maybe he'll catch it. Go.”
Blaine wrinkled his nose at the idea but turned around anyway and walked out the door, muttering under his breath, “Or maybe that thing will eat him.”
He came back a few minutes later, carrying the sleek, lazy eyed cat under one arm. He dropped the poor creature in front of the bed before scurrying back behind Kurt. Kurt walked forward and gently nudged the cat until it crawled under the dark space beneath the bed.
“Do you think this will work?” Blaine whispered, as if he spoke too loudly it would gain the spider's attention and it would remember that they were there, ready to be drained of blood.
Kurt rolled his eyes and watched the bed for a minute, listening to the sounds of the cat wiggle around in the detritus that had been shoved underneath. After a while the cat slid out from beneath the bed, licking his lips appreciatively.
“See, there. He got it. All done.”
Blaine shook his head, wide-eyed, as the cat disappeared back out the door. “No,” he said firmly. “There's no way. It was too big, he never could have eaten the whole thing that quickly.”
“Oh, seriously, Blaine. It's just a spider. How big could it be?”
“It's not dead. I know it's not dead. It's still under there, waiting.”
“Waiting for what?”
Blaine turned a petulant look towards Kurt. Kurt sighed again and stalked over to the bed. “Well, I'm not crawling under there. Maybe we could move the mattress and see where it is.”
“What if it escapes?”
“Then we'll just track it down again. Come on, help me.”
“No.” Blaine shook his head fiercely and backed slowly toward the door.
Kurt growled. “Blaine, come on.”
“No. I'm not getting anywhere near that thing.”
With another heavy sigh Kurt turned toward the bed and reached out to grasp the corner of the top mattress. Of course he had to have a stupid Queen sized mattress. This wasn't going to be easy on his own, but if they wanted to get on with their night the spider had to die.
He yanked and pulled and huffed until the heavy thing was out of the way, half lying on the floor, half propped up in front of the door. Blaine had moved to the other side of the room, shoe clutched desperately in hand as Kurt reached for the box spring, a whimper escaping Blaine's throat as Kurt heaved the heavy box upward.
As the box creaked and moaned, the mess underneath slowly revealed, there was a scurry of movement by Kurt's foot. He looked down, hoping to spot the blasted thing so that he could crush it beneath his Doc Martin's, and froze, his body seizing in sudden, utter terror.
And then he was screaming, the box spring dropping to the the bed frame, and he was scrambling across the mattress, desperate to get to the door. To get away. To flee from the monstrous thing as quickly as he possibly could before it sprung for him, seeking revenge for the thoughts of death that Kurt had been harboring for it.
Because that thing could read minds. And it could probably fly.
“It's fucking radio-active!” he screeched once he had reached the - relative - safety of the downstairs living room. He spun around to face Blaine, who had clambered after him down the stairs and was shaking in terror beside him. “Why didn't you tell me it was a freaking science experiment gone wrong!?”
“I DID!”
“You... I … I didn't believe you!”
“Well that's not my fault, I fucking told you! It's demon spawn from hell! I told you.”
“Okay!”
Kurt held up one hand, calling for silence, feeling his heart pounding like a drumbeat in his chest. That thing couldn't be real. There was no possible way that something like that lived in Lima, Ohio. It belonged in the Amazon. Or on Mars. It wasn't natural.
“If it bit you it could give you powers,” he whisper hoarsely. His throat felt raw from the scream and he wondered how no one was banging on the door, wondering who was being murdered. We will be, if we don't kill that thing, he thought. “It's going to take over the world.”
“What?”
Blaine looked up at him from the other side of the living room. His eyes kept darting back and forth, as if the thing had followed them down the stairs, seeking its revenge.
“If it gets loose it'll... it'll breed. There will be more of them. They'll take over Lima, then Ohio. If we let it live there will be a new ruling race on earth.”
“I told you it was big,” Blaine muttered petulantly.
“We have to kill it.”
“No! Oh no, I'm not going up there again, you can't make me!”
“Blaine!” Kurt grabbed Blaine by the shoulders and shook him sharply. “It has to die. We have to kill it.”
Blaine shook his head wildly, backing even farther away from the stairs, as if there was anywhere they could hide from that... creature. “I can't... we can't... in there? No way! Let's call Wes!”
“What?”
“Let's call Wes. And David! He'll need back up. They can kill it!”
“Blaine, we don't have time.”
“But...”
“No.” Kurt was resolute now. It must be done. That thing could not get away, to be allowed to execute it's dastardly plan of world domination. They had to kill it. To save the world.
“We... we can do this. We can kill it. Maybe. We have to.”
Kurt released Blaine’s shoulders and turned toward the kitchen, searching for a weapon of some sort. He spotted a broom leaning against the counter and grabbed it quickly, turning it upside down. The bristles would be too easy for the creature to climb. Kurt shivered at the thought of the beast scurrying up the broom to get to him.
Blaine eyed him suspiciously, the look on his face clearly dubious about the viability of the broom as a weapon.
“Do you have bug spray?” Kurt asked. He gripped the handle of the broom tightly, wielding it like a Roman soldier would wield a spear in battle. Blaine looked hopeful for just a moment, then his face fell and he shook his head.
“I kind of...emptied the can. The last time there was a spider. I should have known that it's freakishly large older brother would come seeking revenge.”
Kurt rolled his eyes, then turned toward the stairs. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for the endeavor to come. Like soldiers heading off to war he marched forward, grabbing Blaine’s arm and dragging him along.
Slowly they climbed back up the stairs and into the room, over the tumbled mattress, and stood, eyes darting everywhere, in the middle of the room.
“It's back under the bed, isn't it?” Blaine asked, almost dancing on his tip-toes. Kurt nodded, inching toward the bed carefully, fully expecting it to scuttle back out at any second. In the rational part of his mind he knew the thing was probably just hiding, wishing for an escape route from these two screaming humans, but the rational side of his brain had been overtaken by irrational fears the moment he saw that thing.
“Get ready,” Kurt hissed over his shoulder, voice low as if the creature could understand him.
“What?!”
“It's going to come out. You need to kill it!”
“Me?!”
Kurt bit back a curse and turned to glare at Blaine who was huddled by the closet again. “Yes, you. Get something to smash it with and get ready. It has eight legs, it's fast.”
Blaine’s eyes widened comically, but to his credit he looked around at his feet for something to smash the creature with. He grabbed the shoe he had dropped in their earlier haste to flee the room, shaking it slightly from the laces, just in case. He then held it up loftily, ready to strike.
With breath held Kurt used the broom handle to leverage the edge of the spring box off the bed frame again. The mattress had moved scant inches when the beast scurried out into the open.
Kurt jumped, and shouted. “Get it, Blaine!”
Blaine shrieked and tossed the shoe in the general direction of the tiny little blur. It landed two feet away and bounced pathetically in the wrong direction and Blaine jumped halfway across the room, towards the door.
The speedy little demon was running for cover and Kurt growled, lunging at it with the broom handle, cutting it off before it buried itself into the pile of clothes beside the bed.
“Oh my god, Blaine! You-that was - stop it before it gets away!”
Kurt kept jabbing at it with the broom, herding it back and forth across the floor, jumping every time it scuttled in his direction. The thing was frantic now, desperate for escape, but all Kurt could think of was keeping it out of the clothes. If it got into the clothes they would never find it, and then world domination would ensue.
“Blaine!”
“I - What do I do?”
“Smash it!”
“It's too fast!”
“Then we have to slow it down,” Kurt growled, glaring at the thing that kept dodging his broom. His mind whirled with thoughts, trying to remember the things he had learned about pest control. What would stop a mutant demon spider?
“HAIRSPRAY!”
“The musical?”
Kurt growled again and spared a glance back at Blaine. “Yes, the musical. We're going to sing it to death. No genius, the aerosol we use enough of to cause new holes in the ozone. It'll freeze its legs up. Get me some!”
Blaine whimpered and ran from the room, dashing for the bathroom, the look on his face happy to be getting farther away from where Kurt was still stabbing ineffectually at the creature. By now it had managed to crawl into a pile of musical equipment jumbled next to the desk by the far wall. It kept scurrying back and forth between the wires, evading Kurt’s attempts to squish it with the broom. He growled again and just kept herding it back and forth, desperate to keep it where they could see it.
Blaine finally returned with a large can. He popped the top off and tossed it at Kurt who somehow managed to catch it and still keep hold of the broom.
“You could have handed it to me you know!”
“Too close,” Blaine muttered, eyeing the general direction of where Kurt was poking, as he pulled a baseball bat out of the confines of his closet. Kurt spared him an incredulous look, then he lowered the can of hairspray as close to the scuttling creature as he dared and let loose, spraying a steady stream directly onto the spider and the wires, sparing not a thought for the damage he may have been causing. The thing had to die, and fast.
For several tense moments nothing happened; the spider didn't slow, and Kurt had to keep poking at it to keep it from escaping, still spraying constantly, hoping that the more of the sticky spray that covered the thing the faster it would work.
“It's not working!” he shouted.
Then the worst thing happened. It found an escape route. The creature wizened up and scuttled to the back of the pile of equipment, back where Blaine's desk met the wall. But there was just enough of a gap for it to slide through, and Kurt realized with horror that going under the desk gave it a direct route to the clothing pile he had been trying so valiantly to keep it from.
“It's getting away!” Kurt shrieked. Blaine shouted in fear and lunged for the bed, scrambling on top of the bare box spring, brandishing the bat like a sword. Kurt dropped the hairspray onto the desk, but he held firm to the broom, and immediately began throwing clothes across the room, trying to get to the desk chair, to make a hole that he could get into to herd the spider back out into the open.
The chair went flying and Kurt immediately began jabbing underneath the desk. As he poked and prodded the spider out from under the desk and towards the center of the room he grabbed the can of hairspray again and immediately began dousing the fuzzy black body. Blaine, for his part, was on the bed shouting, “Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!”, while waving the bat around in front of him.
As the hairspray finally began to dry, or the sheer amount of fluid the spider had been drenched in began to take its toll it began to slow, wobbling drunkenly back and forth, it's legs seizing underneath it.
Kurt made a desperate lunge for one of the school books on the desk and slammed it down on top of the beast.
But that wasn't enough. It wasn’t nearly enough. This thing surely had super-spider strength. It could undoubtedly withstand the weight of a single text book, even if said book was from Dalton.
Kurt tossed the broom and hairspray aside and pounced on the book, both feet landing on top of it as he jumped, over and over. “Die! Die, you son of a bitch, just die!” he shouted as he jumped, hoping, praying, the it couldn’t somehow survive this. That, surely, was impossible.
Finally, fearing for the integrity of Blaine’s school book, Kurt stopped his frantic jumping and hopped aside, stepping away from the book and, hopefully, the carcass that lay underneath. Blaine, finally done shouting at Kurt to kill it, slid off the bed and crept up behind him, hiding behind his back and peering over his shoulder.
Kurt grabbed the broom again and carefully slid the book aside. He let out a preemptive gasp, and heard Blaine do the same, then sighed heavily when he saw the ruin of the creature underneath.
It was utterly flat, it's eight spindly legs were crooked and broken, splayed out around it's paper thin body like twisted little sun beams. Certain that it was fantastically dead Kurt, curiosity getting the better of him, leaned down to peer at the ruined little mass. “Go get my phone,” he said to Blaine.
Blaine looked back at him curiously, still wide-eyed and breathing heavily.
“So I can take a picture,” Kurt explained, still staring at the thing. “No one will believe us otherwise.”
“We're going to... tell people about this?”
“Hell yes! This was an epic battle. People need to know of our bravery. Of course, certain things will be left out.”
“Like the screaming?”
Kurt glanced back at Blaine, eyes narrowed. “Shut up.”
After retrieving his phone and taking the appropriate evidence - they used a quarter for size comparison and it made it look like a freaking dime - Kurt dropped to the bed, still sans mattress.
Not seconds later he was standing up again, his skin crawling. “Let's... go downstairs.”
Blaine nodded quickly and they both walked - fled - back down to the living room where they huddled together on the couch, eyes darting around at the shadows that wiggled in every corner.
“I'm never sleeping again,” Blaine whispered.
Kurt nodded slowly, twisting his hands together in his lap. They may have won the battle, but the memory of that creature would haunt his dreams he was sure. He couldn't even close his eyes without seeing its creeping body scuttling across the floor.
So much for a romantic evening.
END
Side note: So... when the spider was being valiantly herded across the floor by callmerayray, instead of music equipment it actually crawled into amordemealma's American girl doll collection. When trying to decide what we should replace the collection with (since Blaine obviously wouldn't have one) we devolved into a discussion about... well, about which doll he would have, if he had one. And of course, which one Kurt would have as well.
I'm serious. We ACTUALLY had this discussion. This fic did bad bad things to our brains.
*shifty eyes* In the end we decided that Blaine would have had Molly, and Kurt would have had Samantha (because she had the best clothes). Yeah.
Side side note: While writing the story I (callmerayray) made a slight wording error during the epic conclusion, where Kurt (aka: me) valiantly smashed the mutant demonspawn with the book. It read as thus: 'This thing surely had super-spider strength. It could undoubtedly withstand the weight of a single text book, even if it was from Dalton.'.
This unfortunate wording made it sound as if the SPIDER was from Dalton. Which led to... well, to this. -->
Please note the little 'D' badge, and the dapper little shoes on his back feet.
Side side side note: We were inspired to write down our harried tale by nonamas's story Aracnaphobia. So... totally blame her.
Umm... we're going now. Bye!
Pairing/Characters: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: PG-13 (but sadly, just for swearing)
Word count: 4718
Warnings: Humor? No really, for us that's a warning. We... don't do funny. We like our angst too much.
Spoilers: for 2.16
Disclaimer: A sad fact of life, but Glee is not ours. Damn it.
Summary: “It was in the sheets, Kurt. The sheets. The clean sheets. And it was huge. The most monstrous thing you've ever seen. It was... and it moved. It came for me. It tried to eat me!" (Or: where-in there is a lot of screaming, and total crack!fic ahead.)
Author's note: So... this is a collaboration with callmerayray (meaning, she wrote most of it and yelled at me when I tried to change things). Also, it's based on real life events. Yes, the epic battle with the radio-active demonspawn ACTUALLY happened. This is not a dramatization. The role of myself is played by Blaine Anderson, while callmerayray's part in this epic tale will be taken by one Kurt Hummel.
This story is not for the faint of heart.
The Radio-active, Mutant, Demon Spawn From Hell
Blaine was cleaning his room. He wouldn't normally, to be quite honest. He was a sixteen year old boy after all, he just didn't care. But this was the first time Kurt would be over to his room since... well. Blaine stopped throwing dirty clothes into a pile to smile at the memory. The Kiss. (And yes, it was totally capitalized in his brain.)
It had been the most phenomenal moment of his life, when Kurt had gone from passive bystander to active participant when Blaine had kissed him that first time. He had suddenly found himself regretting all those months he had spent being oblivious. All that time lost, when he could have known how amazing Kurt Hummel tasted, how wonderful it was to feel that soft, pink mouth against his own.
And now they were...what? Boyfriends? They hadn't put a label on it yet, but they were more, certainly. So much more. And Blaine suddenly found himself wanting to impress Kurt. Wanting him to see that Blaine was worth the wait.
So he was cleaning, trying to sort his room into some sort of organized state before Kurt got there for their 'Grey's Anatomy' night. Kurt had informed him that under no circumstances was it okay that he had never seen the show before, so he was coming over with season one to educate him.
He kicked a few things under his bed, then wandered out into the hallway to the linen closet for clean sheets. The only place in his room to sit was the bed, and, after having been in Kurt's room Blaine knew that Kurt would not abide by sitting on sheets that hadn't been washed in far too long.
He set the clean sheets on his desk, then quickly stripped the old set and dropped them on top of the dirty clothes. He'd take it all to the laundry room later.
He got the fitted sheet tucked in well enough, then with a flick of his wrists he shook out the top sheet over the bed.
That's when it happened. That's when he saw... it.
The scream ripped from his throat and he stood there in mortal horror, staring fixedly at the place where it was. On his bed. It was on his BED. He hardly registered that he was still screaming, that his heart was pounding out of his chest.
And then... it moved.
***
Kurt checked himself in his rear-view mirror one last time, pushing a lock of hair back into place before sliding out of the front seat, his book bag over one shoulder, a Chinese carry-out bag in the other.
This wasn't a date. Not officially. Kurt didn't think they were doing anything officially yet. But it had all the potential to be... something. To be honest, the whole thing kind of messed with Kurt's head. They weren't, now they were. Only not really. It was confusing.
All he knew was that Blaine wanted to spend time with him alone, in a way that was wholly different from before. After all, before had never consisted of copious amounts of making out in dark corners and empty classrooms all around Dalton. It had never had the smiles with meaning, or the brush of their fingertips as they're passing in the halls.
Hopefully, at the end of this night they would have a clearer definition of where they stood with each other. Kurt smiled to himself in the mirror one more time then made his way quickly to the front door.
Before he had even knocked the door was flung open and he was met with a wide-eyed, pale Blaine, his hands gripping whitely at the door frame.
“I can't ever go in there ever again,” Blaine hissed out through clenched teeth.
“Wha-”
“I can never step foot into my room again. Not ever.”
“Blaine, what are you-”
“I'll have to sleep on the couch. I'll have to wear these clothes for the rest of my life, because the rest are being held hostage by that THING.”
Kurt stood on the porch, watching Blaine’s wide-eyed rant, completely and utterly confused.
“Blaine,” he said, slowly but firmly, forcing Blaine to catch his eye. “What are you talking about?”
“It was in the sheets, Kurt. The sheets. The clean sheets. And it was huge. The most monstrous thing you've ever seen. It was... and it moved. It came for me. It tried to eat me! And it's still in there. Hiding. Waiting for me to come back in so it can suck my blood dry.”
Kurt eyes wandered over Blaine’s pale, shaking form once more.
“You're talking about a spider.”
Blaine blinked owlishly, as if Kurt were being dense. “Yes, it's a spider, what else would it be? A vampire? There's a spider the size of a tennis ball in my room!”
Kurt bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing out loud. He pushed passed Blaine into the front hallway of the house and turned around to face the other boy, looking at him teasingly.
All this over a spider? A spider that was most definitely not the size of a tennis ball, Kurt could guarantee it. It was cute really, this overly exaggerated fear.
Kurt understood arachnophobia. Really he did. He was the first to admit that he suffered from it himself. He had once sat on the kitchen counter for half an hour while his dad searched out the beastly thing that had crawled under the living room couch.
But come on. If there was no one else around to kill the darn things, well, he at least had the courage to get the job done. When it all boiled down to it, they were just bugs after all.
“It's in your room?” Kurt asked, setting his bag and the food down on the small table next to the door.
“Y-yes,” Blaine stammered warily, his eyes darting towards the stairs that led up to his room.
Kurt sighed and shook his head, turning away from Blaine. “Let's go kill it.”
He had barely taken one step toward the stairs when he felt Blaine’s strong grip on his shoulders, spinning him back around. “You don't understand!” he hissed, his fingers digging in desperately. “This thing is... it's huge. It's the biggest spider I've ever seen outside of a ZOO! This thing... it's not natural. It's... it's like demon spawn. It's demon spawn from the depths of hell. There is no killing it! We're going to have to move.”
Kurt lifted his hands to where Blaine was gripping him tightly, peeling his fingers back slowly. “Blaine, it's just a spider.”
“You don't get it!”
Kurt pushed Blaine away gently and immediately turned toward the stairs, taking the first few quickly before Blaine could stop him again. This was getting ridiculous. It was just a spider! His maybe-boyfriend had gone insane. He was going to have to be sedated over a stupid little spider.
Kurt made it to the top of the stairs, Blaine coming up slowly behind him, and to the door of Blaine’s room. He cast one last look at Blaine, pale and almost trembling behind him, and threw the door open. He ignored Blaine’s slight jump, stalking into the room and stopping in the middle of... wow.
Kurt couldn't imagine living in a room like this. There was a pile of dirty clothes in one corner of the floor, heaped high enough as to almost overtake the desk beside it. Cd's and sheet music were strewn about all over the place. The surfaces of his desk and dresser were filled with nicknacks and school books and half written papers.
Kurt raised one judgmental eyebrow at Blaine who was still cowering by the door.
“I was... I was trying to clean it. Then I was attacked.”
“Oh my god.” Kurt glanced around the room again but didn't see any tennis balls with legs running around. “Where is it?”
Kurt looked back at Blaine and saw that he had picked up a shoe, gripping it like his life depended on it. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Where, Blaine?”
Blaine pointed one shaking finger toward the bed. “It went... down. Under there. It's... it's under my bed. It was IN my bed. I can never sleep there again.”
Kurt eyed the bed in disgust. There was no way he was crawling under there to find the thing. He may be willing to kill it without assistance (because he certainly wasn't getting any from Blaine), but being in a tight space, in the dark, trapped with the thing... no thank you.
An idea popped into his head and he turned to Blaine with a grin. “Go get Basil.”
Blaine blinked at him, still wielding the shoe. “My cat?”
“Yes, your cat. We can stuff him under there and maybe he'll catch it. Go.”
Blaine wrinkled his nose at the idea but turned around anyway and walked out the door, muttering under his breath, “Or maybe that thing will eat him.”
He came back a few minutes later, carrying the sleek, lazy eyed cat under one arm. He dropped the poor creature in front of the bed before scurrying back behind Kurt. Kurt walked forward and gently nudged the cat until it crawled under the dark space beneath the bed.
“Do you think this will work?” Blaine whispered, as if he spoke too loudly it would gain the spider's attention and it would remember that they were there, ready to be drained of blood.
Kurt rolled his eyes and watched the bed for a minute, listening to the sounds of the cat wiggle around in the detritus that had been shoved underneath. After a while the cat slid out from beneath the bed, licking his lips appreciatively.
“See, there. He got it. All done.”
Blaine shook his head, wide-eyed, as the cat disappeared back out the door. “No,” he said firmly. “There's no way. It was too big, he never could have eaten the whole thing that quickly.”
“Oh, seriously, Blaine. It's just a spider. How big could it be?”
“It's not dead. I know it's not dead. It's still under there, waiting.”
“Waiting for what?”
Blaine turned a petulant look towards Kurt. Kurt sighed again and stalked over to the bed. “Well, I'm not crawling under there. Maybe we could move the mattress and see where it is.”
“What if it escapes?”
“Then we'll just track it down again. Come on, help me.”
“No.” Blaine shook his head fiercely and backed slowly toward the door.
Kurt growled. “Blaine, come on.”
“No. I'm not getting anywhere near that thing.”
With another heavy sigh Kurt turned toward the bed and reached out to grasp the corner of the top mattress. Of course he had to have a stupid Queen sized mattress. This wasn't going to be easy on his own, but if they wanted to get on with their night the spider had to die.
He yanked and pulled and huffed until the heavy thing was out of the way, half lying on the floor, half propped up in front of the door. Blaine had moved to the other side of the room, shoe clutched desperately in hand as Kurt reached for the box spring, a whimper escaping Blaine's throat as Kurt heaved the heavy box upward.
As the box creaked and moaned, the mess underneath slowly revealed, there was a scurry of movement by Kurt's foot. He looked down, hoping to spot the blasted thing so that he could crush it beneath his Doc Martin's, and froze, his body seizing in sudden, utter terror.
And then he was screaming, the box spring dropping to the the bed frame, and he was scrambling across the mattress, desperate to get to the door. To get away. To flee from the monstrous thing as quickly as he possibly could before it sprung for him, seeking revenge for the thoughts of death that Kurt had been harboring for it.
Because that thing could read minds. And it could probably fly.
“It's fucking radio-active!” he screeched once he had reached the - relative - safety of the downstairs living room. He spun around to face Blaine, who had clambered after him down the stairs and was shaking in terror beside him. “Why didn't you tell me it was a freaking science experiment gone wrong!?”
“I DID!”
“You... I … I didn't believe you!”
“Well that's not my fault, I fucking told you! It's demon spawn from hell! I told you.”
“Okay!”
Kurt held up one hand, calling for silence, feeling his heart pounding like a drumbeat in his chest. That thing couldn't be real. There was no possible way that something like that lived in Lima, Ohio. It belonged in the Amazon. Or on Mars. It wasn't natural.
“If it bit you it could give you powers,” he whisper hoarsely. His throat felt raw from the scream and he wondered how no one was banging on the door, wondering who was being murdered. We will be, if we don't kill that thing, he thought. “It's going to take over the world.”
“What?”
Blaine looked up at him from the other side of the living room. His eyes kept darting back and forth, as if the thing had followed them down the stairs, seeking its revenge.
“If it gets loose it'll... it'll breed. There will be more of them. They'll take over Lima, then Ohio. If we let it live there will be a new ruling race on earth.”
“I told you it was big,” Blaine muttered petulantly.
“We have to kill it.”
“No! Oh no, I'm not going up there again, you can't make me!”
“Blaine!” Kurt grabbed Blaine by the shoulders and shook him sharply. “It has to die. We have to kill it.”
Blaine shook his head wildly, backing even farther away from the stairs, as if there was anywhere they could hide from that... creature. “I can't... we can't... in there? No way! Let's call Wes!”
“What?”
“Let's call Wes. And David! He'll need back up. They can kill it!”
“Blaine, we don't have time.”
“But...”
“No.” Kurt was resolute now. It must be done. That thing could not get away, to be allowed to execute it's dastardly plan of world domination. They had to kill it. To save the world.
“We... we can do this. We can kill it. Maybe. We have to.”
Kurt released Blaine’s shoulders and turned toward the kitchen, searching for a weapon of some sort. He spotted a broom leaning against the counter and grabbed it quickly, turning it upside down. The bristles would be too easy for the creature to climb. Kurt shivered at the thought of the beast scurrying up the broom to get to him.
Blaine eyed him suspiciously, the look on his face clearly dubious about the viability of the broom as a weapon.
“Do you have bug spray?” Kurt asked. He gripped the handle of the broom tightly, wielding it like a Roman soldier would wield a spear in battle. Blaine looked hopeful for just a moment, then his face fell and he shook his head.
“I kind of...emptied the can. The last time there was a spider. I should have known that it's freakishly large older brother would come seeking revenge.”
Kurt rolled his eyes, then turned toward the stairs. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for the endeavor to come. Like soldiers heading off to war he marched forward, grabbing Blaine’s arm and dragging him along.
Slowly they climbed back up the stairs and into the room, over the tumbled mattress, and stood, eyes darting everywhere, in the middle of the room.
“It's back under the bed, isn't it?” Blaine asked, almost dancing on his tip-toes. Kurt nodded, inching toward the bed carefully, fully expecting it to scuttle back out at any second. In the rational part of his mind he knew the thing was probably just hiding, wishing for an escape route from these two screaming humans, but the rational side of his brain had been overtaken by irrational fears the moment he saw that thing.
“Get ready,” Kurt hissed over his shoulder, voice low as if the creature could understand him.
“What?!”
“It's going to come out. You need to kill it!”
“Me?!”
Kurt bit back a curse and turned to glare at Blaine who was huddled by the closet again. “Yes, you. Get something to smash it with and get ready. It has eight legs, it's fast.”
Blaine’s eyes widened comically, but to his credit he looked around at his feet for something to smash the creature with. He grabbed the shoe he had dropped in their earlier haste to flee the room, shaking it slightly from the laces, just in case. He then held it up loftily, ready to strike.
With breath held Kurt used the broom handle to leverage the edge of the spring box off the bed frame again. The mattress had moved scant inches when the beast scurried out into the open.
Kurt jumped, and shouted. “Get it, Blaine!”
Blaine shrieked and tossed the shoe in the general direction of the tiny little blur. It landed two feet away and bounced pathetically in the wrong direction and Blaine jumped halfway across the room, towards the door.
The speedy little demon was running for cover and Kurt growled, lunging at it with the broom handle, cutting it off before it buried itself into the pile of clothes beside the bed.
“Oh my god, Blaine! You-that was - stop it before it gets away!”
Kurt kept jabbing at it with the broom, herding it back and forth across the floor, jumping every time it scuttled in his direction. The thing was frantic now, desperate for escape, but all Kurt could think of was keeping it out of the clothes. If it got into the clothes they would never find it, and then world domination would ensue.
“Blaine!”
“I - What do I do?”
“Smash it!”
“It's too fast!”
“Then we have to slow it down,” Kurt growled, glaring at the thing that kept dodging his broom. His mind whirled with thoughts, trying to remember the things he had learned about pest control. What would stop a mutant demon spider?
“HAIRSPRAY!”
“The musical?”
Kurt growled again and spared a glance back at Blaine. “Yes, the musical. We're going to sing it to death. No genius, the aerosol we use enough of to cause new holes in the ozone. It'll freeze its legs up. Get me some!”
Blaine whimpered and ran from the room, dashing for the bathroom, the look on his face happy to be getting farther away from where Kurt was still stabbing ineffectually at the creature. By now it had managed to crawl into a pile of musical equipment jumbled next to the desk by the far wall. It kept scurrying back and forth between the wires, evading Kurt’s attempts to squish it with the broom. He growled again and just kept herding it back and forth, desperate to keep it where they could see it.
Blaine finally returned with a large can. He popped the top off and tossed it at Kurt who somehow managed to catch it and still keep hold of the broom.
“You could have handed it to me you know!”
“Too close,” Blaine muttered, eyeing the general direction of where Kurt was poking, as he pulled a baseball bat out of the confines of his closet. Kurt spared him an incredulous look, then he lowered the can of hairspray as close to the scuttling creature as he dared and let loose, spraying a steady stream directly onto the spider and the wires, sparing not a thought for the damage he may have been causing. The thing had to die, and fast.
For several tense moments nothing happened; the spider didn't slow, and Kurt had to keep poking at it to keep it from escaping, still spraying constantly, hoping that the more of the sticky spray that covered the thing the faster it would work.
“It's not working!” he shouted.
Then the worst thing happened. It found an escape route. The creature wizened up and scuttled to the back of the pile of equipment, back where Blaine's desk met the wall. But there was just enough of a gap for it to slide through, and Kurt realized with horror that going under the desk gave it a direct route to the clothing pile he had been trying so valiantly to keep it from.
“It's getting away!” Kurt shrieked. Blaine shouted in fear and lunged for the bed, scrambling on top of the bare box spring, brandishing the bat like a sword. Kurt dropped the hairspray onto the desk, but he held firm to the broom, and immediately began throwing clothes across the room, trying to get to the desk chair, to make a hole that he could get into to herd the spider back out into the open.
The chair went flying and Kurt immediately began jabbing underneath the desk. As he poked and prodded the spider out from under the desk and towards the center of the room he grabbed the can of hairspray again and immediately began dousing the fuzzy black body. Blaine, for his part, was on the bed shouting, “Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!”, while waving the bat around in front of him.
As the hairspray finally began to dry, or the sheer amount of fluid the spider had been drenched in began to take its toll it began to slow, wobbling drunkenly back and forth, it's legs seizing underneath it.
Kurt made a desperate lunge for one of the school books on the desk and slammed it down on top of the beast.
But that wasn't enough. It wasn’t nearly enough. This thing surely had super-spider strength. It could undoubtedly withstand the weight of a single text book, even if said book was from Dalton.
Kurt tossed the broom and hairspray aside and pounced on the book, both feet landing on top of it as he jumped, over and over. “Die! Die, you son of a bitch, just die!” he shouted as he jumped, hoping, praying, the it couldn’t somehow survive this. That, surely, was impossible.
Finally, fearing for the integrity of Blaine’s school book, Kurt stopped his frantic jumping and hopped aside, stepping away from the book and, hopefully, the carcass that lay underneath. Blaine, finally done shouting at Kurt to kill it, slid off the bed and crept up behind him, hiding behind his back and peering over his shoulder.
Kurt grabbed the broom again and carefully slid the book aside. He let out a preemptive gasp, and heard Blaine do the same, then sighed heavily when he saw the ruin of the creature underneath.
It was utterly flat, it's eight spindly legs were crooked and broken, splayed out around it's paper thin body like twisted little sun beams. Certain that it was fantastically dead Kurt, curiosity getting the better of him, leaned down to peer at the ruined little mass. “Go get my phone,” he said to Blaine.
Blaine looked back at him curiously, still wide-eyed and breathing heavily.
“So I can take a picture,” Kurt explained, still staring at the thing. “No one will believe us otherwise.”
“We're going to... tell people about this?”
“Hell yes! This was an epic battle. People need to know of our bravery. Of course, certain things will be left out.”
“Like the screaming?”
Kurt glanced back at Blaine, eyes narrowed. “Shut up.”
After retrieving his phone and taking the appropriate evidence - they used a quarter for size comparison and it made it look like a freaking dime - Kurt dropped to the bed, still sans mattress.
Not seconds later he was standing up again, his skin crawling. “Let's... go downstairs.”
Blaine nodded quickly and they both walked - fled - back down to the living room where they huddled together on the couch, eyes darting around at the shadows that wiggled in every corner.
“I'm never sleeping again,” Blaine whispered.
Kurt nodded slowly, twisting his hands together in his lap. They may have won the battle, but the memory of that creature would haunt his dreams he was sure. He couldn't even close his eyes without seeing its creeping body scuttling across the floor.
So much for a romantic evening.
END
Side note: So... when the spider was being valiantly herded across the floor by callmerayray, instead of music equipment it actually crawled into amordemealma's American girl doll collection. When trying to decide what we should replace the collection with (since Blaine obviously wouldn't have one) we devolved into a discussion about... well, about which doll he would have, if he had one. And of course, which one Kurt would have as well.
I'm serious. We ACTUALLY had this discussion. This fic did bad bad things to our brains.
*shifty eyes* In the end we decided that Blaine would have had Molly, and Kurt would have had Samantha (because she had the best clothes). Yeah.
Side side note: While writing the story I (callmerayray) made a slight wording error during the epic conclusion, where Kurt (aka: me) valiantly smashed the mutant demonspawn with the book. It read as thus: 'This thing surely had super-spider strength. It could undoubtedly withstand the weight of a single text book, even if it was from Dalton.'.
This unfortunate wording made it sound as if the SPIDER was from Dalton. Which led to... well, to this. -->
Please note the little 'D' badge, and the dapper little shoes on his back feet.
Side side side note: We were inspired to write down our harried tale by nonamas's story Aracnaphobia. So... totally blame her.
Umm... we're going now. Bye!