This could be more for me than you
So it's October, my bad month. For those who don't know on Oct. 28 of 1999 my father passed away from a fight with cancer. Today six years was a really big deal. It was day that I knew he would die. He woke up in the morning and asked for us (as we had people staying with him at night so we didn't have to do it every night) and then he stopped talking. My mom thought that he had a stroke, but I don't know what happened, but I knew that he'd stopped talking and was going to die. He would pass four days later.
This october has been ok, better than most as I've been more prepared and I've had Lindsey diligently with me to be there whenever I've needed a shoulder to cry on, which has happened many times. But it's getting closer and I'm not made of stone. My mom has sort of always been there for me too, as she has problems with this month similar to me. This month it has been better for her, and this has me really worried. It feels like if she can move on I should be able to do so as well. If anything I feel like my grief growth has sort of retarded and I'm almost worse or something, but that could just be that I feel the distance between my Mom's grief and my own. She also been busy so maybe she hasn't had time to think about it, but I don't know. She didn't think I was coming home for the anniversary this time and that was strange cause I've done that like every year. I was surprised and saddened.
I've also had the strange reaction where I feel like I've talked about everything already and now all I have is the saddness. I have no catharsis except to say it all again, which I have trouble doing cause I feel like a burden. It makes me feel oddly more empty. Usually I can talk about the new things I've discovered and now it feels like there is nothing new and I have no outlet for this shit except my tear ducts. So they're getting a little raw.
This october has been ok, better than most as I've been more prepared and I've had Lindsey diligently with me to be there whenever I've needed a shoulder to cry on, which has happened many times. But it's getting closer and I'm not made of stone. My mom has sort of always been there for me too, as she has problems with this month similar to me. This month it has been better for her, and this has me really worried. It feels like if she can move on I should be able to do so as well. If anything I feel like my grief growth has sort of retarded and I'm almost worse or something, but that could just be that I feel the distance between my Mom's grief and my own. She also been busy so maybe she hasn't had time to think about it, but I don't know. She didn't think I was coming home for the anniversary this time and that was strange cause I've done that like every year. I was surprised and saddened.
I've also had the strange reaction where I feel like I've talked about everything already and now all I have is the saddness. I have no catharsis except to say it all again, which I have trouble doing cause I feel like a burden. It makes me feel oddly more empty. Usually I can talk about the new things I've discovered and now it feels like there is nothing new and I have no outlet for this shit except my tear ducts. So they're getting a little raw.