custom prompt-table 6: Roxy!verse prompts.
I'm starting to think I have some mysterious condition that makes everything I touch turn into a hundred-headed hydra of AU verses and lesbians.
…No, really. It started because of a three-sentence fic meme going around tumblr, where I got prompted for "Samantha/Gabrielle" (i.e., girl!Sam Winchester/girl!Gabriel), and a 1,400 word thing happened instead. Then I wanted to write something for the New Year's mini-round at rounds_of_kink, and a porny sequel happened.
…So, then I figured that I probably owed it to the Samantha, Gabi, and everyone in their 'verse to just go pick them some Texts From Last Night so they can have adventures. Yay~…?
Roxy!verse prompts, courtesy of Texts From Last Night.001.(213): My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie." 002.(443): I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts." 003.(412): I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
(1-412): You make your fellow Jews happy. 004.(401): Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes out chance of winning any conference championship 005.(413): I'd to that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.006.(304): So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet. 007.(515): Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad. 008.(203): There an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game. 009.(620): I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks. 010.(301): i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.011.(320): Seriously… There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting… 012.(713): I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke. 013.(905): Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out. 014.(336): I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot 015.(847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.016.(970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. 017.(304): My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires. 018.(217): Yea…coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet" 019.(603): Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce 020.(501): Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.021.(917): I cockslap morals 022.(661): What a dumb baby whore. 023.(240): Banned from zoo.
(301): Again? 024.(+77): her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like' 025.(609): I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer… freshman 15 at its skankiest026.(336): I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me. 027.(520): So you had sex with my brother?
(1-520): It sounds like you don't need me to answer that. 028.(270): no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake 029.(267): This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything. 030.(812): You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.031.(361): Screwed.edu 032.(301): please stop telling ppl you're Alice Cullen when you're drunk 033.(519): Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes. 034.(717): My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential. 035.(918): this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"036.(218): I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble. 037.(914): Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right 038.(605): You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex. 039.(314): I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a giraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" … How can this even be considered real college?!? 040.(905): I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings041.(520): Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust. 042.(412): Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today. 043.(408): By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting…that's how my simmer break diet is going. 044.(412): I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all 045.(310): The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.046.(260): Apparently I saved myself a memo last night titled 'Cake' and all it says is 'I love it so much' 047.(949): I have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit. 048.(832): I need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spice in my life. 049.(718): y do pigs give u truffles on farmville? i want bacon you fucking pig! 050.(832): You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.051.(406): i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us. but to be fair your back was turned. 052.(215): i got kicked out of Barnes and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section. 053.(979): we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries…whats wrong with us? 054.(301): It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have. 055.(270): There is such a thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.056.(570): i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me 057.(540): I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it. 058.(603): you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics. 059.(401): dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
(616): Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
(401): wait… oh. 060.(647): TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.061.(201): MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. 062.(573): I only put bad things in my body…jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite. 063.(203): Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk 064.(203): That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song. 065.(804): If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..066.(937): Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding? 067.(732): I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds. 068.(914): Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO 069.(403): i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts 070.(417): My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.071.(406): I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarrassing. 072.(510): I'm trying to make a sex playlist
(916): record yourself crying and put it on a loop. 073.(203): recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding 074.(630): Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to? 075.(732): It's an open bar on a yacht… I'm going to drown.076.(902): Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag 077.(519): I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes 078.(215): me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk 079.(720): If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me 080.(365): Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine081.(484): Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer 082.(715): sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad. 083.(304): Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures 084.(972): Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life. 085.(414): honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing086.(770): I just sad in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high. 087.(519): I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA". 088.(562): I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine…this is becoming a weird day. 089.(303): who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roommate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make 090.(303): It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.091.(207): there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW. 092.(630): You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine…you have a problem. 093.(732): only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package.. 094.(714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester 095.(804): For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor096.(508): I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo. 097.(405): I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation 098.(505): Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems 099.(224): Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it. 100.(773): Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.101.(412): I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out 102.(310): So just talked to them haha i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out… They said they even had to refill their beers 103.(902): are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night? 104.(206): Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed 105.(325): I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck106.(812): You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down. 107.(610): please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am. 108.(515): When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word--its called "moderation" 109.(814): I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is 110.(860): could you please not use my mortar and pestle for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.111.(604): My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorns. 112.(630): I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night 113.(310): and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticked last night. 114.(309): I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking. 115.(815): She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.116.(314): just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love college 117.(262): Here's an idea…how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon? 118.(636): So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned. 119.(571): how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days…… 120.(301): i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c121.(214): we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER. 122.(513): I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence. 123.(732): She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS. 124.(802): i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol. 125.(267): how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?126.(617): theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv…WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS 127.(832): I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW. 128.(404): I have surprise drugs for everyone 129.(406): I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this 130.(404): You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.131.(440): I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire. 132.(503): I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt. 133.(740): I am planning my day around naps and lesbians. 134.(204): they’re like a gay fantastic four 135.(770): She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.136.(505): I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea 137.(770): Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I’d be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich? 138.(310): my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet. 139.(317): Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now? 140.(210): BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don’t be alarmed.141.(813): I think dad’s getting high again. His last google search was “awesome ping pong shit.” 142.(803): My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn’t that bad 143.(705): We didn’t have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL? 144.(850): I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs. 145.(520): Clearly I made an impression
(404): Or at least your vagina did.146.(336): You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch 147.(609): I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt. 148.(678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
(404): You mean bread? 149.(304): Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination 150.(412): I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the floats in 11am class151.(865): Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night 152.(201): I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this? 153.(906): So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work. 154.(765): Did we both pass out talking about cake last night? 155.(713): Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'156.(716): i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me 157.(715): i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign. 158.(503): My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf 159.(207): Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend. 160.(423): I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help161.(570): i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network. 162.(405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
(1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxicating. your liver will thank you." 163.(413): i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur. 164.(201): why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall 165.(807): discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.166.(250):We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase 167.(714): Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros 168.(240): I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian. 169.(412): I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door. 170.(316): This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.171.(201): My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince". 172.(+44): chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome. 173.(504): You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna. 174.(902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face. 175.(215): You high-fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro176.(248): I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial. 177.(802): I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends. 178.(803): you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila. 179.(503): I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there. 180.(414): Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
…No, really. It started because of a three-sentence fic meme going around tumblr, where I got prompted for "Samantha/Gabrielle" (i.e., girl!Sam Winchester/girl!Gabriel), and a 1,400 word thing happened instead. Then I wanted to write something for the New Year's mini-round at rounds_of_kink, and a porny sequel happened.
…So, then I figured that I probably owed it to the Samantha, Gabi, and everyone in their 'verse to just go pick them some Texts From Last Night so they can have adventures. Yay~…?
Roxy!verse prompts, courtesy of Texts From Last Night.001.(213): My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie." 002.(443): I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts." 003.(412): I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
(1-412): You make your fellow Jews happy. 004.(401): Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes out chance of winning any conference championship 005.(413): I'd to that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.006.(304): So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet. 007.(515): Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad. 008.(203): There an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game. 009.(620): I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks. 010.(301): i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.011.(320): Seriously… There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting… 012.(713): I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke. 013.(905): Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out. 014.(336): I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot 015.(847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.016.(970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. 017.(304): My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires. 018.(217): Yea…coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet" 019.(603): Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce 020.(501): Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.021.(917): I cockslap morals 022.(661): What a dumb baby whore. 023.(240): Banned from zoo.
(301): Again? 024.(+77): her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like' 025.(609): I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer… freshman 15 at its skankiest026.(336): I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me. 027.(520): So you had sex with my brother?
(1-520): It sounds like you don't need me to answer that. 028.(270): no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake 029.(267): This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything. 030.(812): You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.031.(361): Screwed.edu 032.(301): please stop telling ppl you're Alice Cullen when you're drunk 033.(519): Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes. 034.(717): My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential. 035.(918): this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"036.(218): I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble. 037.(914): Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right 038.(605): You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex. 039.(314): I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a giraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" … How can this even be considered real college?!? 040.(905): I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings041.(520): Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust. 042.(412): Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today. 043.(408): By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting…that's how my simmer break diet is going. 044.(412): I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all 045.(310): The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.046.(260): Apparently I saved myself a memo last night titled 'Cake' and all it says is 'I love it so much' 047.(949): I have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit. 048.(832): I need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spice in my life. 049.(718): y do pigs give u truffles on farmville? i want bacon you fucking pig! 050.(832): You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.051.(406): i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us. but to be fair your back was turned. 052.(215): i got kicked out of Barnes and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section. 053.(979): we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries…whats wrong with us? 054.(301): It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have. 055.(270): There is such a thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.056.(570): i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me 057.(540): I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it. 058.(603): you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics. 059.(401): dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
(616): Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
(401): wait… oh. 060.(647): TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.061.(201): MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. 062.(573): I only put bad things in my body…jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite. 063.(203): Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk 064.(203): That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song. 065.(804): If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..066.(937): Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding? 067.(732): I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds. 068.(914): Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO 069.(403): i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts 070.(417): My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.071.(406): I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarrassing. 072.(510): I'm trying to make a sex playlist
(916): record yourself crying and put it on a loop. 073.(203): recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding 074.(630): Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to? 075.(732): It's an open bar on a yacht… I'm going to drown.076.(902): Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag 077.(519): I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes 078.(215): me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk 079.(720): If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me 080.(365): Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine081.(484): Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer 082.(715): sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad. 083.(304): Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures 084.(972): Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life. 085.(414): honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing086.(770): I just sad in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high. 087.(519): I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA". 088.(562): I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine…this is becoming a weird day. 089.(303): who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roommate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make 090.(303): It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.091.(207): there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW. 092.(630): You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine…you have a problem. 093.(732): only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package.. 094.(714): the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester 095.(804): For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor096.(508): I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo. 097.(405): I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation 098.(505): Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems 099.(224): Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it. 100.(773): Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.101.(412): I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out 102.(310): So just talked to them haha i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out… They said they even had to refill their beers 103.(902): are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night? 104.(206): Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed 105.(325): I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck106.(812): You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down. 107.(610): please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am. 108.(515): When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word--its called "moderation" 109.(814): I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is 110.(860): could you please not use my mortar and pestle for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.111.(604): My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorns. 112.(630): I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night 113.(310): and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticked last night. 114.(309): I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking. 115.(815): She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.116.(314): just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love college 117.(262): Here's an idea…how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon? 118.(636): So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned. 119.(571): how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days…… 120.(301): i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c121.(214): we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER. 122.(513): I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence. 123.(732): She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS. 124.(802): i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol. 125.(267): how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?126.(617): theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv…WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS 127.(832): I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW. 128.(404): I have surprise drugs for everyone 129.(406): I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this 130.(404): You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.131.(440): I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire. 132.(503): I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt. 133.(740): I am planning my day around naps and lesbians. 134.(204): they’re like a gay fantastic four 135.(770): She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.136.(505): I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea 137.(770): Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I’d be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich? 138.(310): my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet. 139.(317): Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now? 140.(210): BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don’t be alarmed.141.(813): I think dad’s getting high again. His last google search was “awesome ping pong shit.” 142.(803): My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn’t that bad 143.(705): We didn’t have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL? 144.(850): I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs. 145.(520): Clearly I made an impression
(404): Or at least your vagina did.146.(336): You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch 147.(609): I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt. 148.(678): All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
(404): You mean bread? 149.(304): Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination 150.(412): I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the floats in 11am class151.(865): Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night 152.(201): I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this? 153.(906): So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work. 154.(765): Did we both pass out talking about cake last night? 155.(713): Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'156.(716): i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me 157.(715): i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign. 158.(503): My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf 159.(207): Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend. 160.(423): I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help161.(570): i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network. 162.(405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
(1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxicating. your liver will thank you." 163.(413): i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur. 164.(201): why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall 165.(807): discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.166.(250):We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase 167.(714): Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros 168.(240): I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian. 169.(412): I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door. 170.(316): This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.171.(201): My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince". 172.(+44): chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome. 173.(504): You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna. 174.(902): you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face. 175.(215): You high-fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro176.(248): I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial. 177.(802): I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends. 178.(803): you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila. 179.(503): I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there. 180.(414): Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day