office fic
Title: Anemia and Inappropriote Office Relationships
Rating:G/PG
Pairing: Jim/Pam, mentioned Michael/Jan
[Jim sits down at table in break room next to Pam]
Jim: [smiles] Hi.
Pam: Hey. Whatcha got there?
Jim: Turkey on whole wheat with mustard. Oh, and some Doritos and a red delicious apple. Not Granny smith. Changing it up a little. You?
Pam: A nutri-grain bar. I ate the rest of my lunch earlier.
Jim: Nice.
[Pam takes two large tablets out of her purse]
Jim: What are those?
[Pam sighs]
[Talking head]Pam: So, I went to the doctor today and…apparently I’m anemic. I guess that it’s not a good thing, because now I have to start taking vitamins. I hate vitamins. When I was little, my mom used to have to crush them up and sprinkle them on my cereal and stuff. She didn’t ground them up well enough, so basically it felt like eating Frosted Flakes covered in sand.
[Talking head]Michael: Pam is anemic. And you know what? It’s a shame. It’s a damn shame that she has to go through that. I never suspected she was. Didn’t have a clue. You know they say there are signs of anemia, but I guess I just wasn’t looking for them. I strongly believe that the media is totally to blame for this disease. Completely. I mean, those models make me wanna throw up my lunch sometimes.
[Camera guy says something]
What? What’s bulimia? No, that’s when you don’t have enough iron. I’m talking about anemia, you know, the eating disorder?
[Michael walks into break room]
Michael: Hey, how is my favorite couple doing today?
[Jim and Pam exchange a look]
Jim: Uhm. Good, Michael. Just eating lunch.
Michael: Oh yeah? (looks over Jim’s lunch) Pepsi, a Granny Smith apple, sandwich and chips. Nice choice. Got the protein, the fiber, and the carbonated bevereage. Very balanced meal. Guilt-free. What about you, Pam?
[Pam motions to the nutrigrain bar she is holding]
That’s it? (clears throat and looks at camera knowingly) Jim, can I talk to you for a second?
[Cut to Michael’s office]
Michael: I need you to monitor Pam’s frequency of…designated voyages…numbers to…the bathroom?
Jim: I’m sorry, what was that?
Michael: Just…terminology, probably over your head. Anyway, I want you to keep an eye on your girlfriend, keep track of how many times she goes to the bathroom and for how long.
Jim: (looks at camera) Okay…uh…why, exactly?
Michael: She apparently has a little problem with…throwing up everything she eats. It’s mostly a woman thing, happens usually during adolescence but she’s just seeing the worst of it now. I’m pretty sure she has a serious eating disorder. All the symptoms are confirmed.
Jim: And you found this all out…how?
Michael: (mumbles)…wikipedia. You know? Doesn’t matter. I am obscenely concerned for an employee and I think that you have the most influence over her at this point…as her lover.
Jim: Obscenely concerned?
Michael: Yes.
Jim: Alright, then. I will do that.
[cut to break room. Angela is getting her lunch out of the fridge.]
Pam: What was that all about?
Jim: Apparently Michael thinks that you have an eating disorder.
Pam: (laughs) Why?
Jim: No clue. But he wants me to make sure you don’t uh…lurk…in the bathroom. So. I’ve got my eye on you, Beesly.
Pam: Noted. (kisses him on the nose) Let’s go hide Andy’s banjo.
Jim: (extends his arm) Let’s.
[They exit, arms linked. Angela watches after them, almost smiling a little. Catches camera filming her and makes a “disapproving” face]
[Talking head]Angela: Ever since Pam and Jim started dating they have been inseparable. It’s disgusting, unprofessional, and distracting. I’ve filed three complaints to HR but Toby said they can’t do anything about office relationships. You don’t see Dwight and I carousing about, throwing our love around in people’s faces.
…Because why would we? We aren’t dating. I don’t even know Dwight, actually. Why did I just say that? Can you cut this interview, please?
[Cut to Michael’s office. He’s sitting with his legs up on the desk, playing with some action figures. Pam enters.]
Pam: Michael, did you file your expense reports yet? Accounting needs them.
Michael: Oh, Pam. Always so dilregent and dependable.
Pam: Dilregent?
Michael: It means hard-working. Wouldn’t expect you to know. Very obscure. So you and Jim, huh?
Pam: Um…yeah.
Michael: Are you like, getting married? You two would make beautiful children. You’re both hot. Especially Jim. Nice body.
Pam: …Thanks? We just started dating last week, Michael.
Michael: I know, but…just…don’t let him get away. Ever. And also don’t throw up your food. Not healthy.
Pam: (heading for door)…thanks for the advice.
Michael: Hey, Pam?
Pam: Yeah?
Michael: I have a problem.
Pam: Okay. (sits down)
Michael: I think I’m in love with Jan.
Pam: Why is that a problem?
Michael: Because I’m scared of rushing into something.
Pam: Well you’re already living together-
Michael: No, I mean…I’m afraid if we get married the sex won’t be as good anymore. And you know women’s vaginas change after they have kids-
Pam: Um..I gotta go get…back to work.
Michael: Oh, yeah, sure. Right. You do that.
[Pam leaves.]
Michael: (Goes over to computer, opens Google, and types in “vaginas after birth”)
Rating:G/PG
Pairing: Jim/Pam, mentioned Michael/Jan
[Jim sits down at table in break room next to Pam]
Jim: [smiles] Hi.
Pam: Hey. Whatcha got there?
Jim: Turkey on whole wheat with mustard. Oh, and some Doritos and a red delicious apple. Not Granny smith. Changing it up a little. You?
Pam: A nutri-grain bar. I ate the rest of my lunch earlier.
Jim: Nice.
[Pam takes two large tablets out of her purse]
Jim: What are those?
[Pam sighs]
[Talking head]Pam: So, I went to the doctor today and…apparently I’m anemic. I guess that it’s not a good thing, because now I have to start taking vitamins. I hate vitamins. When I was little, my mom used to have to crush them up and sprinkle them on my cereal and stuff. She didn’t ground them up well enough, so basically it felt like eating Frosted Flakes covered in sand.
[Talking head]Michael: Pam is anemic. And you know what? It’s a shame. It’s a damn shame that she has to go through that. I never suspected she was. Didn’t have a clue. You know they say there are signs of anemia, but I guess I just wasn’t looking for them. I strongly believe that the media is totally to blame for this disease. Completely. I mean, those models make me wanna throw up my lunch sometimes.
[Camera guy says something]
What? What’s bulimia? No, that’s when you don’t have enough iron. I’m talking about anemia, you know, the eating disorder?
[Michael walks into break room]
Michael: Hey, how is my favorite couple doing today?
[Jim and Pam exchange a look]
Jim: Uhm. Good, Michael. Just eating lunch.
Michael: Oh yeah? (looks over Jim’s lunch) Pepsi, a Granny Smith apple, sandwich and chips. Nice choice. Got the protein, the fiber, and the carbonated bevereage. Very balanced meal. Guilt-free. What about you, Pam?
[Pam motions to the nutrigrain bar she is holding]
That’s it? (clears throat and looks at camera knowingly) Jim, can I talk to you for a second?
[Cut to Michael’s office]
Michael: I need you to monitor Pam’s frequency of…designated voyages…numbers to…the bathroom?
Jim: I’m sorry, what was that?
Michael: Just…terminology, probably over your head. Anyway, I want you to keep an eye on your girlfriend, keep track of how many times she goes to the bathroom and for how long.
Jim: (looks at camera) Okay…uh…why, exactly?
Michael: She apparently has a little problem with…throwing up everything she eats. It’s mostly a woman thing, happens usually during adolescence but she’s just seeing the worst of it now. I’m pretty sure she has a serious eating disorder. All the symptoms are confirmed.
Jim: And you found this all out…how?
Michael: (mumbles)…wikipedia. You know? Doesn’t matter. I am obscenely concerned for an employee and I think that you have the most influence over her at this point…as her lover.
Jim: Obscenely concerned?
Michael: Yes.
Jim: Alright, then. I will do that.
[cut to break room. Angela is getting her lunch out of the fridge.]
Pam: What was that all about?
Jim: Apparently Michael thinks that you have an eating disorder.
Pam: (laughs) Why?
Jim: No clue. But he wants me to make sure you don’t uh…lurk…in the bathroom. So. I’ve got my eye on you, Beesly.
Pam: Noted. (kisses him on the nose) Let’s go hide Andy’s banjo.
Jim: (extends his arm) Let’s.
[They exit, arms linked. Angela watches after them, almost smiling a little. Catches camera filming her and makes a “disapproving” face]
[Talking head]Angela: Ever since Pam and Jim started dating they have been inseparable. It’s disgusting, unprofessional, and distracting. I’ve filed three complaints to HR but Toby said they can’t do anything about office relationships. You don’t see Dwight and I carousing about, throwing our love around in people’s faces.
…Because why would we? We aren’t dating. I don’t even know Dwight, actually. Why did I just say that? Can you cut this interview, please?
[Cut to Michael’s office. He’s sitting with his legs up on the desk, playing with some action figures. Pam enters.]
Pam: Michael, did you file your expense reports yet? Accounting needs them.
Michael: Oh, Pam. Always so dilregent and dependable.
Pam: Dilregent?
Michael: It means hard-working. Wouldn’t expect you to know. Very obscure. So you and Jim, huh?
Pam: Um…yeah.
Michael: Are you like, getting married? You two would make beautiful children. You’re both hot. Especially Jim. Nice body.
Pam: …Thanks? We just started dating last week, Michael.
Michael: I know, but…just…don’t let him get away. Ever. And also don’t throw up your food. Not healthy.
Pam: (heading for door)…thanks for the advice.
Michael: Hey, Pam?
Pam: Yeah?
Michael: I have a problem.
Pam: Okay. (sits down)
Michael: I think I’m in love with Jan.
Pam: Why is that a problem?
Michael: Because I’m scared of rushing into something.
Pam: Well you’re already living together-
Michael: No, I mean…I’m afraid if we get married the sex won’t be as good anymore. And you know women’s vaginas change after they have kids-
Pam: Um..I gotta go get…back to work.
Michael: Oh, yeah, sure. Right. You do that.
[Pam leaves.]
Michael: (Goes over to computer, opens Google, and types in “vaginas after birth”)