What Remains Unchanged - An Ohno Satoshi Fanfic (One-shot)
This is a fanfic I had hoped to post on Ohno's birthday, but alas, work took precedence. Still, better late than never, right? ;) As usual, my fanfic is written in a first-person narrative where the reader is the protagonist.
Pairing: Ohno Satoshi x Fictional Female (Reader) *see below
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, Drama
Word count: 4,621
Plot: Bakery owner Matsubara Emi (35) has a chance encounter with Arashi's Ohno Satoshi and finds herself revisiting the past.
NOTE: This story reads like a shoujo manga--it is written in a fictitious first-person narrative where the reader is the protagonist. Please proceed with caution if you are uncomfortable with JE members having relationships with fictitious female characters (even if that female is you!).
☆☆☆
No one forgets her first love. Right? At least, that’s how it’s been for me. In middle school, while all my friends ogled at the star pitcher of the school’s baseball team or fastest runner in track and field, I had my eyes on a quiet boy. He sat in the row next to me, a seat up, so I would sneak in some peeks in the classroom. During class, he was either nodding off or doodling in his notes. He only seemed to care for the things that interested him. Secretly, I hoped that he might take interest in me, and I had tried my best to get him to notice me.
One afternoon after school, I was packing up my school bag to go home. I was rummaging through my desk for my textbooks when I saw a piece of paper sticking out of my history book. I didn’t remember putting any notes there, so I found it odd. When I pulled it out, there was a doodle on it. My palms started to sweat as my heart did a backflip. There was no mistaking this artistic touch: this note was from my crush.
It was a detailed drawing of a cat with a word bubble next to it. “Meet me at the vending machine outside the school gates after school today,” the cat said. The Maine Coon was shaded and colored with a ballpoint pen. During a class presentation, I shared about my pet cat, Anju, a 3-year-old gray Maine Coon. I could hear my breathing getting louder. The boy who’d rather nap than pay attention in class had stayed awake to hear my presentation. The realization made my heart race.
Nervous with anticipation, I quickly packed the rest of my belongings and rushed out of the classroom and through the school gates. It was a cold, January afternoon and as I glanced up at the sky, a bed of gray clouds loomed in the distance. I better get home soon, I thought. I turned a corner. Standing in front of the vending machine was the boy who preoccupied my every thought. He was looking down at his feet, hands in his pants pockets and a scarf around his neck. Noticing movement nearby, he looked up and met my gaze. He took a hand out of his pocket, waved shyly, and shoved it back into his pocket.
“Ohno-kun…” I shuffled my feet to get closer to him. That’s when I noticed that his nose had turned red from the cold. “Did you wait long?”
He shook his head side to side. “No.”
“Um… I saw your note.”
“Thanks for coming.”
“Of course-a-choo!” I didn’t even have time to cover my nose with my hands. How embarrassing.
When I opened my eyes, he was smiling. “Haha, let’s get going. It’s cold here.”
I couldn’t help but smile back.
“I was hoping I could walk you home today.” He moved his shoulders to adjust the school bag hanging there.
“…What?”
I’ve watched you walk home since the beginning of the school year. I know enough about you to know that we live on opposite sides of town.
“Is that okay?” He sniffled his nose.
“B-But your house is over there…” I pointed behind him.
“I’m meeting some friends at the game center later. That’s that way.” He pointed with his chin in the other direction.
“Oh.” I looked at him for a while, then gave him a shy nod.
He sniffled his nose again, then slowly undid his scarf. “Here.” In his hand was that which he had just taken off.
I hesitated to take it from him. “But you look so cold.”
His arm extended out further, and with his other hand, he grabbed my wrist and placed the scarf in my hand. Without saying a word, he started in the direction of my house.
The scarf was still lukewarm from use. I carefully wrapped it around my neck and the warmth protected me from the piercing wind. Years of watching him from afar, I had never gotten close enough to him to know what he smelled like. But now, with his scarf around my neck, I could make out the faint smell of something sweet. Was it his shampoo? His laundry detergent? I couldn’t tell, but the scent made my toes curl.
I ran to catch up to him. He turned around hearing my nearing footsteps, and stopped in the middle of the road.
“Looks good on you.”
Was it the wind against my cheeks or his compliment that made me blush? I pulled the scarf up to cover my nose.
He turned back around and kept walking. At times, he’d turn his head to ask me which turn to take on which street. My house was about a 15-minute walk from school. During the winter season, I’d rush home so I could snuggle inside the kotatsu as soon as possible. But today? I wished I lived hours away. I wished I had taken the longer route. I wished time would stand still.
Of course, time is nondiscriminatory. We had arrived at my house in no time.
“This is it.” I pointed to the house in front of us.
He looked up at the roof and nodded. “Thanks for letting me walk you home.”
I shook my head vigorously. “I should be thanking you for walking me home!”
Then, silence. For who knows how long. It felt like minutes.
“Matsubara-san.”
“Y-Yes?”
“I’ve liked you.”
Silence. Well, sort of. My heart was thumping so loudly it felt like bass drums right next to my ears. There was a fuzziness in my brain, a system overload of sorts.
“Since the first day of 7th grade.”
Silence once more.
“Uh, you don’t need to say anything. I just wanted to tell you how I felt.”
“N-No,” I stopped him. I took a deep breath. “Me, too…”
“Huh?” He looked surprised.
“I like you, too.”
“…Wait, really?” He hadn’t blinked since my reply.
I nodded.
Silence.
Then, a giggle. A sweet, melting giggle.
“Seriously?!” Wrinkles formed at the edges of his eyes. “Wow…”
I tilted my head and smiled back.
“I didn’t think you felt the same way.” He let out a sigh of relief.
You have no idea. “Me, neither.”
He continued to smile and look at me. “Does that mean I get to walk you home again tomorrow?”
As I nodded, I felt my eyes starting to water a little bit.
“Does that mean I no longer have to make up dumb excuses to walk you home?”
“…Huh?”
“I don’t go to game centers. I’m bad at those,” he giggled.
My heart was racing. I couldn’t believe this was really happening.
“Um, then I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” He rocked back and forth on his feet, perhaps from the cold, perhaps from excitement. I hoped for the latter.
I nodded.
“Get inside and stay warm.” He took his hand out of his pocket again and waved.
“W-Wait! Your scarf!” I began to unravel it from my neck.
“Keep it. I have more at home.” He smiled and gave me no opportunity to return it.
Ah, youth. My first love smelled faintly of shampoo and laundry detergent.
--
Fast forward about two decades. Now at the ripe age of 35, I was enjoying a life of success. I owned a profitable bakery with loyal customers, and I even got my 15 minutes of fame when a well-known food magazine interviewed me for their cover article. I hadn’t made much headway with my love life, but I didn’t have to. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to. I loved my life the way it was, and I was proud of myself for my accomplishments.
As for Ohno-kun? Well, I still see him. Everywhere, actually. He's all famous now, the leader of a national idol group. Not a day goes by without seeing his face on TV, on the cover of a magazine, in the news somewhere. Being able to see him was much of a curse as it was a blessing. Although I was happy to see him succeeding, although it was nice to know that all I had to do was turn on the TV to see him...it was also a constant reminder of the past. I almost resented him for not letting me forget about him.
It was 10:30AM on Saturday, November 26th, 2016. My bakery is located across the street from a business area, so weekends are always a little bit slower. That’s okay, I thought. Plus, it was during the weekends that I grew my clientele. Families with smaller children, couples on a date in the city, older ladies enjoying their retirement. These kinds of people stopped by on such days, and I welcomed the fresh faces I got to greet.
But today was one of those days. Perhaps the rain kept the customers home, because my freshly baked goods smiled from their display racks to no one. As I ransacked my brain for some ideas to lure customers in, a slender man opened the door. The bell on the handle jingled as he walked in.
“Welcome to Emi’s Bakery!” I flashed a big smile to greet him.
The man carefully rolled up his umbrella and placed it in the basket near the door. His fingers moved like a dance, and even this simple act looked like a performance. He was wearing a cap and a mask so I was unable to make out his face, but his hunched shoulders accentuated his small frame and made him look shorter than he actually was. There was a certain aura about him but I couldn’t place a finger on it.
“Hi.” He took off his mask and gave a subdued smile. When our eyes met, I thought my heart had punched the air out of my lungs, because there was no doubt in my mind that I knew who this man was.
“…Ohno-kun?”
“Long time, no see.” The man walked around the display baskets and stopped in front of me at the counter.
“Oh, my gosh. It really is you…” My hands covered my mouth like a reflex.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”
--
Our immature relationship ended abruptly. One spring day, as we sat on swings at the park, he opened his mouth.
“I’m going to Kyoto.”
“…What?”
“To learn more about dance.”
“Wait, what about school?”
“I have to move out there.” His long bangs covered his eyes.
“I really like you, Emi-chan. But this is for the best.”
“What are you saying?”
Silence.
He got up from his swing and stood in front of me. He stretched his arms down toward my hands, so I instinctively grabbed them. Then, he pulled me up onto my feet and embraced me.
“You’ll always be my first,” he whispered into my ear.
All I could do was cry on the shoulder of the man who had just broken my heart.
--
I shook my head, though it was clear he had indeed startled me. What was he doing here after all these years? The man in front of me was no longer the Ohno-kun I once knew. He was a superstar, a national idol. He lived a completely different life.
He reached into his sling bag and pulled out a magazine snippet. “I saw this and wanted to stop by and see for myself.”
The article in his hands was from that food magazine interview.
“H-Huh?” I glanced at him. “Are you here for the bread selection? Our specialty is the melon p-”
“Not that.” His beautiful finger pointed at the photo of me pulling a batch of raisin rolls out of the oven. “I meant you.”
“What’s that?”
“I came here to see you.”
“…Excuse me?”
“Emi-chan.”
My eyes, glued to his, couldn’t seem to look away. I wasn’t even sure if my mind was completely comprehending the words coming out of his mouth. But the moment his beautiful voice uttered my name, my heart jumped about and old feelings I thought I had stored away safely sprung back to life.
“When are you done with work today?”
“Huh?”
“It says this bakery closes at 6:00PM on Saturdays.”
He must have seen the business hours sign hanging outside on the door. “Yes.”
“How about 6:30PM, then? For now, I’ll take a melon pan.”
“…What?”
Seeing the confused look on my face, he scratched the back of his neck shyly. “I was hoping I only had to say it once.”
I blinked a few times, but no words came out.
After a small sigh, he reworded his question. “Are you free tonight?”
My mind drew a blank but my muscles seemed to work just fine. I nodded.
“Let’s meet at 6:30PM, then,” he repeated.
“…O-Okay…”
Still not completely sure what was happening, I gave a generic response.
“Emi-chan?”
“Huh? What?” Hearing my name snapped me out of the daze.
“This bakery is famous for its melon pan, right?” He pointed to a fresh batch cooling on the rack behind me.
“A-Ah, yes!” I nodded. “Just one?”
“Just one.”
I grabbed an extra fluffy one with clean tongs and placed them in a paper bag. “That’ll be 180 yen, please.”
His well-groomed fingers reached into his wallet and took out 200 yen. Sometimes, all it takes is a random gesture. Instantly, it took me back to our days together. Mine mindlessly reached for change.
“Um…” I placed the coins in his hands.
“Hm?” He raised his eyebrows.
“So…”
He took out a pen and turned over the receipt I had just handed him. On the counter, he started doodling. It was a Maine Coon with a word bubble next to it.
“The Ritz-Carlton, Tokyo, 45th floor. 6:30PM,” the cat said.
He smiled, put his mask back on, and headed toward the door. With his slim fingers, he hooked up his umbrella and stepped out of the store.
--
So many questions circled my head, but I couldn’t answer a single one. The workday went by but I couldn’t remember anything from the day except that unbelievable encounter. In my hand was the receipt he had drawn on. Anju, the same Maine Coon he had drawn decades ago, stared back at me. I placed the paper in my coat pocket and closed up the store. Although I had no idea what was going to happen tonight, the mere thought of seeing Ohno-kun again had my heart racing at 180mph.
By the time I arrived at the hotel, it was already 6:35PM. I rushed onto an elevator that whizzed me up to the 45th floor. When I got off, I realized what kind of place it was. I heard polite conversations and gentle clinking of glasses coming from 4-5 tables, all couples. The high ceilings and expansive windows highlighted the beautiful Tokyo skyline. There were a few people sitting at the bar, sipping on dainty drinks from expensive martini glasses.
“Welcome to Azure 45, Miss.” A tall, slender man bowed. “Could I have your reservation name?”
“U-Uh…” I skimmed the restaurant but couldn’t spot him. At the same time, I wasn’t sure what the proper etiquette was for dining out with a national idol. How was I supposed to know? Never in a million years would I have imagined a night like this.
“Could you be Miss Matsubara?” The tall man raised his eyebrows politely.
“Wha…y-yes…” Quite jarring to have a stranger call you by name, really.
“Welcome. Right this way.” As if he had made sense of the whole situation, the man escorted me down the tables and through another door. From there, a quiet hallway followed and to my left appeared yet another set of doors. Apprehensive about where he was taking me, I lagged a bit behind.
“Your party is waiting inside.” The man gave a proper bow and took his leave.
Completely secluded from the rest of the restaurant was a private room. My palms began to sweat as they reached for the handle. I decided to knock before I entered, but I didn’t hear anything from inside.
“E-Excuse me…” I opened the door hesitantly.
“You made it.”
In a large room was a single table for two. Behind him was a backdrop of the city, its countless lights twinkling with delight. Ohno-kun stood up from his seat. Because of his jacket, I hadn’t noticed what he was wearing earlier. A knitted, gray v-neck sweater over a white button-down shirt, dark brown slacks and leather shoes. He was even more handsome in person than through a TV screen, and even manlier than how I had remembered him.
“Sit with me.” He gestured to the seat in front of him.
I did as I was told. I took off my coat and placed it over my chair. Was I presentable? I checked briefly. A simple, off-white knitted dress and knee-high boots. I sat down nervously and patted down the fabric on my legs.
“Thanks for coming.”
I looked at the man in front of me. It’s really him. It’s Ohno-kun. Arashi’s Ohno Satoshi.
“…Thanks for inviting me.” I said what any mature adult would.
“Can you do me a favor?” He sat upright in his seat. I felt like I needed to do the same.
“Hm?”
“I know it’s been years, but please don’t treat me like a famous person, all right?”
“What?”
“I’m still the Ohno Satoshi you know.”
“O-Oh…” I laughed nervously. “Right.”
“Sorry to bring you here. You know I’d much rather go to an izakaya or something. I guess I’m not helping my cause, huh?”
In that moment, I saw a glimpse of his life as a superstar. He could no longer walk around the streets without a cap or mask. He could no longer eat out at places that don’t have private room seating. He could no longer be seen with the opposite sex, no matter the relationship, alone. My heart felt a twinge of pain.
“That’s okay,” I assured. “I’m not used to places like this, though.”
“Me, neither,” he smiled.
A moment later, our server interrupted us, removed my coat from my seat and hung it nicely in a closet located on one side of the room, and took our orders. Service was topnotch. I wondered if this is how he’s treated every day.
“Nice view, though.” He looked out the window. I watched as his eyes reflected the Tokyo skyline. Was it too much to hope that I, too, could rest in those beautiful eyes again?
“Emi-chan?” He caught me staring and looked my way. “Are you okay?”
I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks. “Y-Yeah, sorry.” I looked away.
“So, you own your own bakery, huh?” He sipped on his drink. “That’s great!”
“Heh, it’s still small, but I’m getting traction.”
“I wanted to be a baker, you know.”
I nodded. That’s something I knew before the rest of the world did, and it made me happy. “I remember.”
“I should have bought more of those melon pan, they’re really yummy,” he commended.
My toes curled in my boots. “Thanks…”
“I guess I’ll have to stop by again for more.”
Did he just say ‘stop by again’? My heart began to pick up speed.
“B-But you’re so famous now. Isn’t that hard to do?” I looked at him concerned.
“It’s not so bad.”
“…Do you ever wish you had chosen another career?”
“Not anymore.” His expression was calm yet resolute. I could see there was determination in his eyes, that he took pride in the road he had chosen.
“I’m really happy for you. And Arashi.” I smiled. “I’m a fan.”
“Really?” His face lit up. “Thanks.”
“I see you on TV all the time,” I continued. “Oh, but I haven’t finished watching your latest drama. I have it recorded, though.”
“Oh, haha. Thanks.”
My immaturity is why. What if there’s a kiss? A bed scene? I can’t tell him that. It’s not my place. Then, it dawned on me. How emotionally taxing would it be to date a national icon? The thought alone overwhelmed me.
--
The food was absolutely divine and the company, surreal. After dessert, he looked at his watch.
“It’s getting late.” His downcast eyes accentuated his long eyelashes.
“…Mm-hmm.”
“I was hoping I could drop you off at home tonight.”
“What?” Just like the first time he asked me if he could walk me home, I heard ringing in my ears and drumming in my heart.
“Well, I’m taking a taxi. I’ll have it drop you off first.”
“Is that all right? It’s not too much trouble? I mean, what if people see-”
“That’s for me to worry about,” he interrupted.
“Ohno-kun...”
“Hm?”
“…Why did you ask me out tonight?”
Silence.
I knew asking this question could cause such awkward silences, but when I thought about how this may be the last time I get to be alone with him like this, I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
He looked out the window, his chin resting on his fingers.
“Sometimes, I think life is unfair,” he said after a long pause.
“What do you mean?”
“After we broke up, I thought about you every day.”
Gulp.
“…What?”
“At Kyoto, at the debut event, at every concert, every filming. I hoped that somewhere out there, you’d be watching.”
My eyes swayed with his words, tears welling up behind them.
“But after a while, it got frustrating.” He scratched his nose.
“…Why?”
“Because you have a way of seeing me, but I had no way of seeing you.” His eyes now harboring the red lights of Tokyo Tower looked like they had ignited with some sort of passion.
“Ohno-kun…”
“Did you think it was easy for me to say goodbye to you?”
“…I-I didn’t say that…”
“But I was afraid of hurting you. What if success changes me? What if fame sacrifices your happiness? I just couldn’t do that to you.”
A tear rolled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away.
“But then, during break on set, I came across that magazine article. I read it all. It was so good to hear about you, even if it wasn’t from the source herself.”
I bit my lip to keep the floodgates from opening, but another tear escaped my eye and I felt that resistance was becoming futile.
“Funny thing about human emotion is, once you get a taste of something, you want more. So, I decided to stop by today. But when I saw you in person, I wanted to spend time with you. So, that’s why I decided to set up this dinner.”
“O…hno-kun…” I said between sobs. “Please stop…”
I couldn’t take this. Two decades’ worth of effort trying to put him in the past melted away in an instant. I used the meal napkin to wipe my tears.
“Emi-chan.”
Silence.
He waited patiently for me to calm the floodgates. He had always been a man of few words, but tonight, it seemed like 20 years’ worth of emotions poured out of him. And yet, he hadn’t changed a bit. When I needed time to digest the conversation, he respected my wishes. It was little things like that. The small, kind gestures were what drew me to him in the first place.
“I was wondering,” he opened his mouth after a while.
“…Y-Yes?” I said between sobs.
“Now that we’re more mature, if we could try working this out.”
“…Huh?”
“You know, us.”
Silence.
I looked up at him with watery eyes. Did I hear him correctly? What had gotten into him? I shook my head slowly.
“We can’t, Ohno-kun.”
“Why not?”
“Do you know who you are? Do you know who I am? You’re a national idol. I’m just a no-name baker. You and I live in completely different worlds.”
Silence.
“I can’t jeopardize your life like that. I just can’t.”
“Is that your only reason?” He questioned.
“…What?”
“That I’m Arashi’s Ohno Satoshi. Is that your only reason?”
“Only reason? That’s THE reason.” What is he saying? That’s the most important reason there is.
“In that case, you’re right.”
I let out a deep exhale.
“I put Arashi first. The presence or absence of a girlfriend won’t change that.”
He stood up from his seat and looked out the window.
“But if that’s the only reason, it’s not good enough for me.” Quite unlike him, he stood up straight and drew his shoulders back.
“What…?”
“I’ve loved you.”
Silence. Well, sort of. Instantly, my mind time traveled back to that cold, January afternoon. My heart was thumping so loudly it felt like bass drums right next to my ears. There was a fuzziness in my brain, a system overload of sorts.
“Even after we broke up.”
I quickly grabbed the napkin again to stop the tears from streaming down my face.
“I’m still the Ohno Satoshi you know.”
He walked around the table and stood beside my seat.
“You don’t have to like the guy you see on TV. All I’m asking is for you to give the guy you see in front of you another chance.”
“…Ohno-kun…” I bit my lower lip and attempted to keep the tears at bay. He gently placed his hand on my shoulder as if to soothe a crying child. The warmth from his palm permeated my body like ink dropped in water.
“What do you say?” His fingers moved slightly.
I nodded. What else was I to do? The sincerity in his words seemed to force out the fears and worries of my heart.
“Come here.”
The hand on my shoulder moved in front of my face. I took his lead and stood up. It had been so long since I had been this close to him. He tugged my hand and my body tipped toward him, his arms catching me. My nose picked up on something sweet. Was it his shampoo? His laundry detergent? I couldn’t tell, but the scent made my toes curl.
“I missed you.” He buried his nose in my hair and I could feel that side of my head burning with his every exhale.
All I could do was cry on the shoulder of the man who had just taken me back into his arms.
--
“It’s here.” The taxi pulled over by a residential road. I pointed to a tall, apartment building.
During the car ride over, we exchanged phone numbers and reminisced about yesteryears. He was right. The man beside me was not the super idol I see on TV and in magazines. He was my Ohno-kun, the same boy who used to doodle in his notes, the same boy whose smile made me weak in the knees. Despite my initial fears, I was thankful he pushed me to take the risk.
“Does this mean I no longer have to make up dumb excuses to take you home?”
“Hm?”
“I don’t need to use that magazine article as a reason to visit you anymore, right?”
My toes curled in my boots.
“Thanks for letting me take you home.”
See? He was still the same Ohno-kun.
“Thanks for tonight.”
He nodded.
“You know? I think I can finish Sekamuzu now.”
“Hm? Why?”
I gave him a toothy grin and exited the vehicle. “I’ll tell you next time.”
“Next time. I like the sound of that.”
The door closed shut. As I waved at the receding lights, I thought I saw him waving back. Although I wasn’t sure what would happen next, I knew that he would be a part of it. No one forgets her first love. Now, I had no reason to.
Pairing: Ohno Satoshi x Fictional Female (Reader) *see below
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, Drama
Word count: 4,621
Plot: Bakery owner Matsubara Emi (35) has a chance encounter with Arashi's Ohno Satoshi and finds herself revisiting the past.
NOTE: This story reads like a shoujo manga--it is written in a fictitious first-person narrative where the reader is the protagonist. Please proceed with caution if you are uncomfortable with JE members having relationships with fictitious female characters (even if that female is you!).
☆☆☆
No one forgets her first love. Right? At least, that’s how it’s been for me. In middle school, while all my friends ogled at the star pitcher of the school’s baseball team or fastest runner in track and field, I had my eyes on a quiet boy. He sat in the row next to me, a seat up, so I would sneak in some peeks in the classroom. During class, he was either nodding off or doodling in his notes. He only seemed to care for the things that interested him. Secretly, I hoped that he might take interest in me, and I had tried my best to get him to notice me.
One afternoon after school, I was packing up my school bag to go home. I was rummaging through my desk for my textbooks when I saw a piece of paper sticking out of my history book. I didn’t remember putting any notes there, so I found it odd. When I pulled it out, there was a doodle on it. My palms started to sweat as my heart did a backflip. There was no mistaking this artistic touch: this note was from my crush.
It was a detailed drawing of a cat with a word bubble next to it. “Meet me at the vending machine outside the school gates after school today,” the cat said. The Maine Coon was shaded and colored with a ballpoint pen. During a class presentation, I shared about my pet cat, Anju, a 3-year-old gray Maine Coon. I could hear my breathing getting louder. The boy who’d rather nap than pay attention in class had stayed awake to hear my presentation. The realization made my heart race.
Nervous with anticipation, I quickly packed the rest of my belongings and rushed out of the classroom and through the school gates. It was a cold, January afternoon and as I glanced up at the sky, a bed of gray clouds loomed in the distance. I better get home soon, I thought. I turned a corner. Standing in front of the vending machine was the boy who preoccupied my every thought. He was looking down at his feet, hands in his pants pockets and a scarf around his neck. Noticing movement nearby, he looked up and met my gaze. He took a hand out of his pocket, waved shyly, and shoved it back into his pocket.
“Ohno-kun…” I shuffled my feet to get closer to him. That’s when I noticed that his nose had turned red from the cold. “Did you wait long?”
He shook his head side to side. “No.”
“Um… I saw your note.”
“Thanks for coming.”
“Of course-a-choo!” I didn’t even have time to cover my nose with my hands. How embarrassing.
When I opened my eyes, he was smiling. “Haha, let’s get going. It’s cold here.”
I couldn’t help but smile back.
“I was hoping I could walk you home today.” He moved his shoulders to adjust the school bag hanging there.
“…What?”
I’ve watched you walk home since the beginning of the school year. I know enough about you to know that we live on opposite sides of town.
“Is that okay?” He sniffled his nose.
“B-But your house is over there…” I pointed behind him.
“I’m meeting some friends at the game center later. That’s that way.” He pointed with his chin in the other direction.
“Oh.” I looked at him for a while, then gave him a shy nod.
He sniffled his nose again, then slowly undid his scarf. “Here.” In his hand was that which he had just taken off.
I hesitated to take it from him. “But you look so cold.”
His arm extended out further, and with his other hand, he grabbed my wrist and placed the scarf in my hand. Without saying a word, he started in the direction of my house.
The scarf was still lukewarm from use. I carefully wrapped it around my neck and the warmth protected me from the piercing wind. Years of watching him from afar, I had never gotten close enough to him to know what he smelled like. But now, with his scarf around my neck, I could make out the faint smell of something sweet. Was it his shampoo? His laundry detergent? I couldn’t tell, but the scent made my toes curl.
I ran to catch up to him. He turned around hearing my nearing footsteps, and stopped in the middle of the road.
“Looks good on you.”
Was it the wind against my cheeks or his compliment that made me blush? I pulled the scarf up to cover my nose.
He turned back around and kept walking. At times, he’d turn his head to ask me which turn to take on which street. My house was about a 15-minute walk from school. During the winter season, I’d rush home so I could snuggle inside the kotatsu as soon as possible. But today? I wished I lived hours away. I wished I had taken the longer route. I wished time would stand still.
Of course, time is nondiscriminatory. We had arrived at my house in no time.
“This is it.” I pointed to the house in front of us.
He looked up at the roof and nodded. “Thanks for letting me walk you home.”
I shook my head vigorously. “I should be thanking you for walking me home!”
Then, silence. For who knows how long. It felt like minutes.
“Matsubara-san.”
“Y-Yes?”
“I’ve liked you.”
Silence. Well, sort of. My heart was thumping so loudly it felt like bass drums right next to my ears. There was a fuzziness in my brain, a system overload of sorts.
“Since the first day of 7th grade.”
Silence once more.
“Uh, you don’t need to say anything. I just wanted to tell you how I felt.”
“N-No,” I stopped him. I took a deep breath. “Me, too…”
“Huh?” He looked surprised.
“I like you, too.”
“…Wait, really?” He hadn’t blinked since my reply.
I nodded.
Silence.
Then, a giggle. A sweet, melting giggle.
“Seriously?!” Wrinkles formed at the edges of his eyes. “Wow…”
I tilted my head and smiled back.
“I didn’t think you felt the same way.” He let out a sigh of relief.
You have no idea. “Me, neither.”
He continued to smile and look at me. “Does that mean I get to walk you home again tomorrow?”
As I nodded, I felt my eyes starting to water a little bit.
“Does that mean I no longer have to make up dumb excuses to walk you home?”
“…Huh?”
“I don’t go to game centers. I’m bad at those,” he giggled.
My heart was racing. I couldn’t believe this was really happening.
“Um, then I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” He rocked back and forth on his feet, perhaps from the cold, perhaps from excitement. I hoped for the latter.
I nodded.
“Get inside and stay warm.” He took his hand out of his pocket again and waved.
“W-Wait! Your scarf!” I began to unravel it from my neck.
“Keep it. I have more at home.” He smiled and gave me no opportunity to return it.
Ah, youth. My first love smelled faintly of shampoo and laundry detergent.
--
Fast forward about two decades. Now at the ripe age of 35, I was enjoying a life of success. I owned a profitable bakery with loyal customers, and I even got my 15 minutes of fame when a well-known food magazine interviewed me for their cover article. I hadn’t made much headway with my love life, but I didn’t have to. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to. I loved my life the way it was, and I was proud of myself for my accomplishments.
As for Ohno-kun? Well, I still see him. Everywhere, actually. He's all famous now, the leader of a national idol group. Not a day goes by without seeing his face on TV, on the cover of a magazine, in the news somewhere. Being able to see him was much of a curse as it was a blessing. Although I was happy to see him succeeding, although it was nice to know that all I had to do was turn on the TV to see him...it was also a constant reminder of the past. I almost resented him for not letting me forget about him.
It was 10:30AM on Saturday, November 26th, 2016. My bakery is located across the street from a business area, so weekends are always a little bit slower. That’s okay, I thought. Plus, it was during the weekends that I grew my clientele. Families with smaller children, couples on a date in the city, older ladies enjoying their retirement. These kinds of people stopped by on such days, and I welcomed the fresh faces I got to greet.
But today was one of those days. Perhaps the rain kept the customers home, because my freshly baked goods smiled from their display racks to no one. As I ransacked my brain for some ideas to lure customers in, a slender man opened the door. The bell on the handle jingled as he walked in.
“Welcome to Emi’s Bakery!” I flashed a big smile to greet him.
The man carefully rolled up his umbrella and placed it in the basket near the door. His fingers moved like a dance, and even this simple act looked like a performance. He was wearing a cap and a mask so I was unable to make out his face, but his hunched shoulders accentuated his small frame and made him look shorter than he actually was. There was a certain aura about him but I couldn’t place a finger on it.
“Hi.” He took off his mask and gave a subdued smile. When our eyes met, I thought my heart had punched the air out of my lungs, because there was no doubt in my mind that I knew who this man was.
“…Ohno-kun?”
“Long time, no see.” The man walked around the display baskets and stopped in front of me at the counter.
“Oh, my gosh. It really is you…” My hands covered my mouth like a reflex.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”
--
Our immature relationship ended abruptly. One spring day, as we sat on swings at the park, he opened his mouth.
“I’m going to Kyoto.”
“…What?”
“To learn more about dance.”
“Wait, what about school?”
“I have to move out there.” His long bangs covered his eyes.
“I really like you, Emi-chan. But this is for the best.”
“What are you saying?”
Silence.
He got up from his swing and stood in front of me. He stretched his arms down toward my hands, so I instinctively grabbed them. Then, he pulled me up onto my feet and embraced me.
“You’ll always be my first,” he whispered into my ear.
All I could do was cry on the shoulder of the man who had just broken my heart.
--
I shook my head, though it was clear he had indeed startled me. What was he doing here after all these years? The man in front of me was no longer the Ohno-kun I once knew. He was a superstar, a national idol. He lived a completely different life.
He reached into his sling bag and pulled out a magazine snippet. “I saw this and wanted to stop by and see for myself.”
The article in his hands was from that food magazine interview.
“H-Huh?” I glanced at him. “Are you here for the bread selection? Our specialty is the melon p-”
“Not that.” His beautiful finger pointed at the photo of me pulling a batch of raisin rolls out of the oven. “I meant you.”
“What’s that?”
“I came here to see you.”
“…Excuse me?”
“Emi-chan.”
My eyes, glued to his, couldn’t seem to look away. I wasn’t even sure if my mind was completely comprehending the words coming out of his mouth. But the moment his beautiful voice uttered my name, my heart jumped about and old feelings I thought I had stored away safely sprung back to life.
“When are you done with work today?”
“Huh?”
“It says this bakery closes at 6:00PM on Saturdays.”
He must have seen the business hours sign hanging outside on the door. “Yes.”
“How about 6:30PM, then? For now, I’ll take a melon pan.”
“…What?”
Seeing the confused look on my face, he scratched the back of his neck shyly. “I was hoping I only had to say it once.”
I blinked a few times, but no words came out.
After a small sigh, he reworded his question. “Are you free tonight?”
My mind drew a blank but my muscles seemed to work just fine. I nodded.
“Let’s meet at 6:30PM, then,” he repeated.
“…O-Okay…”
Still not completely sure what was happening, I gave a generic response.
“Emi-chan?”
“Huh? What?” Hearing my name snapped me out of the daze.
“This bakery is famous for its melon pan, right?” He pointed to a fresh batch cooling on the rack behind me.
“A-Ah, yes!” I nodded. “Just one?”
“Just one.”
I grabbed an extra fluffy one with clean tongs and placed them in a paper bag. “That’ll be 180 yen, please.”
His well-groomed fingers reached into his wallet and took out 200 yen. Sometimes, all it takes is a random gesture. Instantly, it took me back to our days together. Mine mindlessly reached for change.
“Um…” I placed the coins in his hands.
“Hm?” He raised his eyebrows.
“So…”
He took out a pen and turned over the receipt I had just handed him. On the counter, he started doodling. It was a Maine Coon with a word bubble next to it.
“The Ritz-Carlton, Tokyo, 45th floor. 6:30PM,” the cat said.
He smiled, put his mask back on, and headed toward the door. With his slim fingers, he hooked up his umbrella and stepped out of the store.
--
So many questions circled my head, but I couldn’t answer a single one. The workday went by but I couldn’t remember anything from the day except that unbelievable encounter. In my hand was the receipt he had drawn on. Anju, the same Maine Coon he had drawn decades ago, stared back at me. I placed the paper in my coat pocket and closed up the store. Although I had no idea what was going to happen tonight, the mere thought of seeing Ohno-kun again had my heart racing at 180mph.
By the time I arrived at the hotel, it was already 6:35PM. I rushed onto an elevator that whizzed me up to the 45th floor. When I got off, I realized what kind of place it was. I heard polite conversations and gentle clinking of glasses coming from 4-5 tables, all couples. The high ceilings and expansive windows highlighted the beautiful Tokyo skyline. There were a few people sitting at the bar, sipping on dainty drinks from expensive martini glasses.
“Welcome to Azure 45, Miss.” A tall, slender man bowed. “Could I have your reservation name?”
“U-Uh…” I skimmed the restaurant but couldn’t spot him. At the same time, I wasn’t sure what the proper etiquette was for dining out with a national idol. How was I supposed to know? Never in a million years would I have imagined a night like this.
“Could you be Miss Matsubara?” The tall man raised his eyebrows politely.
“Wha…y-yes…” Quite jarring to have a stranger call you by name, really.
“Welcome. Right this way.” As if he had made sense of the whole situation, the man escorted me down the tables and through another door. From there, a quiet hallway followed and to my left appeared yet another set of doors. Apprehensive about where he was taking me, I lagged a bit behind.
“Your party is waiting inside.” The man gave a proper bow and took his leave.
Completely secluded from the rest of the restaurant was a private room. My palms began to sweat as they reached for the handle. I decided to knock before I entered, but I didn’t hear anything from inside.
“E-Excuse me…” I opened the door hesitantly.
“You made it.”
In a large room was a single table for two. Behind him was a backdrop of the city, its countless lights twinkling with delight. Ohno-kun stood up from his seat. Because of his jacket, I hadn’t noticed what he was wearing earlier. A knitted, gray v-neck sweater over a white button-down shirt, dark brown slacks and leather shoes. He was even more handsome in person than through a TV screen, and even manlier than how I had remembered him.
“Sit with me.” He gestured to the seat in front of him.
I did as I was told. I took off my coat and placed it over my chair. Was I presentable? I checked briefly. A simple, off-white knitted dress and knee-high boots. I sat down nervously and patted down the fabric on my legs.
“Thanks for coming.”
I looked at the man in front of me. It’s really him. It’s Ohno-kun. Arashi’s Ohno Satoshi.
“…Thanks for inviting me.” I said what any mature adult would.
“Can you do me a favor?” He sat upright in his seat. I felt like I needed to do the same.
“Hm?”
“I know it’s been years, but please don’t treat me like a famous person, all right?”
“What?”
“I’m still the Ohno Satoshi you know.”
“O-Oh…” I laughed nervously. “Right.”
“Sorry to bring you here. You know I’d much rather go to an izakaya or something. I guess I’m not helping my cause, huh?”
In that moment, I saw a glimpse of his life as a superstar. He could no longer walk around the streets without a cap or mask. He could no longer eat out at places that don’t have private room seating. He could no longer be seen with the opposite sex, no matter the relationship, alone. My heart felt a twinge of pain.
“That’s okay,” I assured. “I’m not used to places like this, though.”
“Me, neither,” he smiled.
A moment later, our server interrupted us, removed my coat from my seat and hung it nicely in a closet located on one side of the room, and took our orders. Service was topnotch. I wondered if this is how he’s treated every day.
“Nice view, though.” He looked out the window. I watched as his eyes reflected the Tokyo skyline. Was it too much to hope that I, too, could rest in those beautiful eyes again?
“Emi-chan?” He caught me staring and looked my way. “Are you okay?”
I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks. “Y-Yeah, sorry.” I looked away.
“So, you own your own bakery, huh?” He sipped on his drink. “That’s great!”
“Heh, it’s still small, but I’m getting traction.”
“I wanted to be a baker, you know.”
I nodded. That’s something I knew before the rest of the world did, and it made me happy. “I remember.”
“I should have bought more of those melon pan, they’re really yummy,” he commended.
My toes curled in my boots. “Thanks…”
“I guess I’ll have to stop by again for more.”
Did he just say ‘stop by again’? My heart began to pick up speed.
“B-But you’re so famous now. Isn’t that hard to do?” I looked at him concerned.
“It’s not so bad.”
“…Do you ever wish you had chosen another career?”
“Not anymore.” His expression was calm yet resolute. I could see there was determination in his eyes, that he took pride in the road he had chosen.
“I’m really happy for you. And Arashi.” I smiled. “I’m a fan.”
“Really?” His face lit up. “Thanks.”
“I see you on TV all the time,” I continued. “Oh, but I haven’t finished watching your latest drama. I have it recorded, though.”
“Oh, haha. Thanks.”
My immaturity is why. What if there’s a kiss? A bed scene? I can’t tell him that. It’s not my place. Then, it dawned on me. How emotionally taxing would it be to date a national icon? The thought alone overwhelmed me.
--
The food was absolutely divine and the company, surreal. After dessert, he looked at his watch.
“It’s getting late.” His downcast eyes accentuated his long eyelashes.
“…Mm-hmm.”
“I was hoping I could drop you off at home tonight.”
“What?” Just like the first time he asked me if he could walk me home, I heard ringing in my ears and drumming in my heart.
“Well, I’m taking a taxi. I’ll have it drop you off first.”
“Is that all right? It’s not too much trouble? I mean, what if people see-”
“That’s for me to worry about,” he interrupted.
“Ohno-kun...”
“Hm?”
“…Why did you ask me out tonight?”
Silence.
I knew asking this question could cause such awkward silences, but when I thought about how this may be the last time I get to be alone with him like this, I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
He looked out the window, his chin resting on his fingers.
“Sometimes, I think life is unfair,” he said after a long pause.
“What do you mean?”
“After we broke up, I thought about you every day.”
Gulp.
“…What?”
“At Kyoto, at the debut event, at every concert, every filming. I hoped that somewhere out there, you’d be watching.”
My eyes swayed with his words, tears welling up behind them.
“But after a while, it got frustrating.” He scratched his nose.
“…Why?”
“Because you have a way of seeing me, but I had no way of seeing you.” His eyes now harboring the red lights of Tokyo Tower looked like they had ignited with some sort of passion.
“Ohno-kun…”
“Did you think it was easy for me to say goodbye to you?”
“…I-I didn’t say that…”
“But I was afraid of hurting you. What if success changes me? What if fame sacrifices your happiness? I just couldn’t do that to you.”
A tear rolled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away.
“But then, during break on set, I came across that magazine article. I read it all. It was so good to hear about you, even if it wasn’t from the source herself.”
I bit my lip to keep the floodgates from opening, but another tear escaped my eye and I felt that resistance was becoming futile.
“Funny thing about human emotion is, once you get a taste of something, you want more. So, I decided to stop by today. But when I saw you in person, I wanted to spend time with you. So, that’s why I decided to set up this dinner.”
“O…hno-kun…” I said between sobs. “Please stop…”
I couldn’t take this. Two decades’ worth of effort trying to put him in the past melted away in an instant. I used the meal napkin to wipe my tears.
“Emi-chan.”
Silence.
He waited patiently for me to calm the floodgates. He had always been a man of few words, but tonight, it seemed like 20 years’ worth of emotions poured out of him. And yet, he hadn’t changed a bit. When I needed time to digest the conversation, he respected my wishes. It was little things like that. The small, kind gestures were what drew me to him in the first place.
“I was wondering,” he opened his mouth after a while.
“…Y-Yes?” I said between sobs.
“Now that we’re more mature, if we could try working this out.”
“…Huh?”
“You know, us.”
Silence.
I looked up at him with watery eyes. Did I hear him correctly? What had gotten into him? I shook my head slowly.
“We can’t, Ohno-kun.”
“Why not?”
“Do you know who you are? Do you know who I am? You’re a national idol. I’m just a no-name baker. You and I live in completely different worlds.”
Silence.
“I can’t jeopardize your life like that. I just can’t.”
“Is that your only reason?” He questioned.
“…What?”
“That I’m Arashi’s Ohno Satoshi. Is that your only reason?”
“Only reason? That’s THE reason.” What is he saying? That’s the most important reason there is.
“In that case, you’re right.”
I let out a deep exhale.
“I put Arashi first. The presence or absence of a girlfriend won’t change that.”
He stood up from his seat and looked out the window.
“But if that’s the only reason, it’s not good enough for me.” Quite unlike him, he stood up straight and drew his shoulders back.
“What…?”
“I’ve loved you.”
Silence. Well, sort of. Instantly, my mind time traveled back to that cold, January afternoon. My heart was thumping so loudly it felt like bass drums right next to my ears. There was a fuzziness in my brain, a system overload of sorts.
“Even after we broke up.”
I quickly grabbed the napkin again to stop the tears from streaming down my face.
“I’m still the Ohno Satoshi you know.”
He walked around the table and stood beside my seat.
“You don’t have to like the guy you see on TV. All I’m asking is for you to give the guy you see in front of you another chance.”
“…Ohno-kun…” I bit my lower lip and attempted to keep the tears at bay. He gently placed his hand on my shoulder as if to soothe a crying child. The warmth from his palm permeated my body like ink dropped in water.
“What do you say?” His fingers moved slightly.
I nodded. What else was I to do? The sincerity in his words seemed to force out the fears and worries of my heart.
“Come here.”
The hand on my shoulder moved in front of my face. I took his lead and stood up. It had been so long since I had been this close to him. He tugged my hand and my body tipped toward him, his arms catching me. My nose picked up on something sweet. Was it his shampoo? His laundry detergent? I couldn’t tell, but the scent made my toes curl.
“I missed you.” He buried his nose in my hair and I could feel that side of my head burning with his every exhale.
All I could do was cry on the shoulder of the man who had just taken me back into his arms.
--
“It’s here.” The taxi pulled over by a residential road. I pointed to a tall, apartment building.
During the car ride over, we exchanged phone numbers and reminisced about yesteryears. He was right. The man beside me was not the super idol I see on TV and in magazines. He was my Ohno-kun, the same boy who used to doodle in his notes, the same boy whose smile made me weak in the knees. Despite my initial fears, I was thankful he pushed me to take the risk.
“Does this mean I no longer have to make up dumb excuses to take you home?”
“Hm?”
“I don’t need to use that magazine article as a reason to visit you anymore, right?”
My toes curled in my boots.
“Thanks for letting me take you home.”
See? He was still the same Ohno-kun.
“Thanks for tonight.”
He nodded.
“You know? I think I can finish Sekamuzu now.”
“Hm? Why?”
I gave him a toothy grin and exited the vehicle. “I’ll tell you next time.”
“Next time. I like the sound of that.”
The door closed shut. As I waved at the receding lights, I thought I saw him waving back. Although I wasn’t sure what would happen next, I knew that he would be a part of it. No one forgets her first love. Now, I had no reason to.