(no subject)
Last night all I could think about was death. I was sitting backstage, waiting to pull the bed in, just after I'd finished reading Owen Meany, which was actually very good, when I just started thinking...
Every single one of us is going to die. Every one. And I looked around and just realized that someday, all these people would die. I know I've thought about it before, backstage, but with a different summer cast. I looked at the young couple in love; they're both going to die. The lonely boy in the corner just wishing for love and success. He's not going to last forever, either. I felt like I was looking down upon them all, until I was swiftly returned to earth by the remembrance of my own death. It will come. We can't all be privileged like Owen Meany and know when it will happen and how it will happen. Whether we're die glorious deaths as heroes, or disgraceful deaths, accomplishing nothing. What's it all going to be like? The future.
I went to Bartley's in that mood. It was fun, we talked, I didn't drink much, just half the bottle of champagne. I was tired. Went to bed around 1:30, both of us spread out on the couches. His roommate's cat came and slept on the back of my thighs all night. His roommate came in this morning around 9 and talked to us for a bit, then he went to bed. He'd been working all night. Why are some people forced to work all night? Why do people have to devote their lives to work, just so they can buy a house or a place to live, and then never have any time to stay there?
Our leaders hasten us to our deaths. Some say to trust in God, to trust in a power other than ourselves, because there's no longer any basis in putting trust in other people. You have to hope like hell that there's something more out there. Because the thought that it could just be lonely old us on our lonely little planet, fucking ourselves over, is almost too much to bear. Sometimes I admire the people who manage to hide their despair in something they're not sure of. It's easier than looking around and noticing all the things that are already sure.
I got out of the shower and something my mom said on the phone about Danielle... and I knew. She was talking to Heather. Then I got dressed and when she got off the phone I was like, "What's wrong with Danielle?" And she said she wanted to look at me when she told me, but then I was just like... is she pregnant?
I'm going to be an aunt. That's a crazy thought, and I realized just what a terrible world it is to bring a child into. But let's bring new life while we still can. It gave me new motivation. I went to the gym and worked my ass off. In a year there will be a wedding. They were already talking of getting married, so it's not forced, it's maybe just a little hastened and a little less romantic. In eight months there will be a baby. Perhaps in April. My college future will have already been decided. I want to lose weight so that this baby (for some reason I envision it as a girl, though who knows) can look back in her mother's photo albums (becaus those are disappearing, too) and see the pictures of the wedding, and she her aunt and how young she was before the world beat her down. And how beautiful her mother looked on her wedding day. And how elated her Great Great Grandmother was to hold a fifth generation.
If that happens. Maybe the Great Great Grandmother will be just like the aunt. Despairing for what has happened to the world, and how fucked up it's getting. Spiraling out of control. Sure, we can try to recycle more, but the damage just reaching our atmosphere is from around the seventies. That's still three more decades of human abuse to go. No chance. Sure, we can find an alternative to oil. But we won't find one fast enough for the end of oil. Which could happen in the baby's time.
I just hope that when I look into it's face I don't see despair or anything but happiness. I want this child to have the best childhood, if I have anything to do with it. I want them to be happier than anything, so that they don't know anything else. I want them to be clueless to the outside world, so that they won't have to be disheartened by what happens. I want to drain my bank accounts and take it to a red sox game or to the zoo. To see the lingering traces of the world we knew. I want her to play monopoly and read good books. Watch all the good movies. Watch all the Disney classics. Multiple times. Read Harry Potter. Waste an afternoon reading in a hammock. Watch a sun rise. Watch a sunset (but not too many). Not waste so much time on homework. It's not so important, in the end. Make a snow angel and just lay in the snow watching the puffy clouds your breath makes as the sky gets darker and darker and everything around you is silent. Sail. Listen. Learn. Smile. Laugh. Be. Before it all disappears. If it's a girl, I hope she'll be a fool - that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.
Love.
Every single one of us is going to die. Every one. And I looked around and just realized that someday, all these people would die. I know I've thought about it before, backstage, but with a different summer cast. I looked at the young couple in love; they're both going to die. The lonely boy in the corner just wishing for love and success. He's not going to last forever, either. I felt like I was looking down upon them all, until I was swiftly returned to earth by the remembrance of my own death. It will come. We can't all be privileged like Owen Meany and know when it will happen and how it will happen. Whether we're die glorious deaths as heroes, or disgraceful deaths, accomplishing nothing. What's it all going to be like? The future.
I went to Bartley's in that mood. It was fun, we talked, I didn't drink much, just half the bottle of champagne. I was tired. Went to bed around 1:30, both of us spread out on the couches. His roommate's cat came and slept on the back of my thighs all night. His roommate came in this morning around 9 and talked to us for a bit, then he went to bed. He'd been working all night. Why are some people forced to work all night? Why do people have to devote their lives to work, just so they can buy a house or a place to live, and then never have any time to stay there?
Our leaders hasten us to our deaths. Some say to trust in God, to trust in a power other than ourselves, because there's no longer any basis in putting trust in other people. You have to hope like hell that there's something more out there. Because the thought that it could just be lonely old us on our lonely little planet, fucking ourselves over, is almost too much to bear. Sometimes I admire the people who manage to hide their despair in something they're not sure of. It's easier than looking around and noticing all the things that are already sure.
I got out of the shower and something my mom said on the phone about Danielle... and I knew. She was talking to Heather. Then I got dressed and when she got off the phone I was like, "What's wrong with Danielle?" And she said she wanted to look at me when she told me, but then I was just like... is she pregnant?
I'm going to be an aunt. That's a crazy thought, and I realized just what a terrible world it is to bring a child into. But let's bring new life while we still can. It gave me new motivation. I went to the gym and worked my ass off. In a year there will be a wedding. They were already talking of getting married, so it's not forced, it's maybe just a little hastened and a little less romantic. In eight months there will be a baby. Perhaps in April. My college future will have already been decided. I want to lose weight so that this baby (for some reason I envision it as a girl, though who knows) can look back in her mother's photo albums (becaus those are disappearing, too) and see the pictures of the wedding, and she her aunt and how young she was before the world beat her down. And how beautiful her mother looked on her wedding day. And how elated her Great Great Grandmother was to hold a fifth generation.
If that happens. Maybe the Great Great Grandmother will be just like the aunt. Despairing for what has happened to the world, and how fucked up it's getting. Spiraling out of control. Sure, we can try to recycle more, but the damage just reaching our atmosphere is from around the seventies. That's still three more decades of human abuse to go. No chance. Sure, we can find an alternative to oil. But we won't find one fast enough for the end of oil. Which could happen in the baby's time.
I just hope that when I look into it's face I don't see despair or anything but happiness. I want this child to have the best childhood, if I have anything to do with it. I want them to be happier than anything, so that they don't know anything else. I want them to be clueless to the outside world, so that they won't have to be disheartened by what happens. I want to drain my bank accounts and take it to a red sox game or to the zoo. To see the lingering traces of the world we knew. I want her to play monopoly and read good books. Watch all the good movies. Watch all the Disney classics. Multiple times. Read Harry Potter. Waste an afternoon reading in a hammock. Watch a sun rise. Watch a sunset (but not too many). Not waste so much time on homework. It's not so important, in the end. Make a snow angel and just lay in the snow watching the puffy clouds your breath makes as the sky gets darker and darker and everything around you is silent. Sail. Listen. Learn. Smile. Laugh. Be. Before it all disappears. If it's a girl, I hope she'll be a fool - that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.
Love.