Time to think
As much as the current situation hurts, it has brought good things, too.
It's been a while since I've really relaxed. Now I've spent mornings sitting in the courtyard, drinking coffee. I've spent days just reading a thick book. I've spent evenings lying on the couch, watching lights go on and off in the building opposite, listening to Tom Waits, and 4 am sleepless spells listening to Chet Baker.
I've been serene; serene and zen.
And really, that's how my life is when I'm on my own. I don't run in circles, I don't try to fill in all the blank spaces. I've slowly come to the conclusion that all that rushing really may have been an unconscious attempt not to leave those empty spaces in which R's uncertainties might grow. Sometimes I've managed to slow down and trusted that the moment will carry us, and they've been good, no, great moments. Or then my lack of serenity has been the effervescence of happiness of being with someone who makes me feel good, despite all. Or both.
In the end, what are uncertainties, anyway? We all have them. We have them when we're tired, and when we're upset, and when the moon and stars are just in the wrong position. Then they go away and we move on, carry on loving. If they stick around, then it's better to talk about them even if it means pain and hurt, but. You know. It's human.
Live and learn. Wish it wouldn't have to be so hard, though.
It's been a while since I've really relaxed. Now I've spent mornings sitting in the courtyard, drinking coffee. I've spent days just reading a thick book. I've spent evenings lying on the couch, watching lights go on and off in the building opposite, listening to Tom Waits, and 4 am sleepless spells listening to Chet Baker.
I've been serene; serene and zen.
And really, that's how my life is when I'm on my own. I don't run in circles, I don't try to fill in all the blank spaces. I've slowly come to the conclusion that all that rushing really may have been an unconscious attempt not to leave those empty spaces in which R's uncertainties might grow. Sometimes I've managed to slow down and trusted that the moment will carry us, and they've been good, no, great moments. Or then my lack of serenity has been the effervescence of happiness of being with someone who makes me feel good, despite all. Or both.
In the end, what are uncertainties, anyway? We all have them. We have them when we're tired, and when we're upset, and when the moon and stars are just in the wrong position. Then they go away and we move on, carry on loving. If they stick around, then it's better to talk about them even if it means pain and hurt, but. You know. It's human.
Live and learn. Wish it wouldn't have to be so hard, though.