Remembering
When Lindsey brought me to this apartment, we stood between two bedrooms and he asked me which one I preferred. I chose the one that faced the east. I didn't think much of it until the next morning, when I was awakened by the touch of sunlight on my face. I got up and went to the window, fully intending to close the blinds to restore dimness to the room. But I didn't. I found myself entranced as the sun slowly rose above the horizon; I have no idea how long I stood there that first morning, just staring at the sky. Every morning since, I've done the same.
At this point, my reasons are fairly simple to decipher. I remembered being a vampire and remembered never really appreciating the sunlight during my brief stint as a human when I was first returned to life. Surely if I'd appreciated it, I'd remember. I appreciated it this time because of a constant fear lurking in the pit of my stomach that sooner or later I'd lose my ability to bask in the sunlight. Lindsey'd promised me that it wouldn't happen, but I couldn't help but fear it. He had the best intentions, that much seemed clear, but how could one man save me like that? Was it even possible?
He was trying so hard to protect me. Trying to hard to be the brave knight that saved the damsel in distress. I didn't know how to convey to him that I didn't know how to play the part, a part reserved for those better suited to it than I. He must have had his reasons to believe that I needed protection, I supposed. I didn’t remember.
That’s not to say I don’t remember anything though. I remember dying, although I don’t remember waking up. I remember Angelus, vaguely. Angel I remember even less than that. I have memories of making love to Lindsey, although it was never really making love. At least not on my part. Sometimes I was warm and sometimes I could only feel his warmth. Things seem a bit different now, although I’m not sure how.
He knows that I’ve been getting some of my memories back, but he doesn’t know about all of them. I don’t know why I’ve been keeping it hidden. They’re mostly flashes of Angel, flashes of Lindsey. Obviously I recognized him that night - that night I came back. And I let it slip that I knew that he’d lived in a place that wasn’t here. But he’s basically running on guesses regarding what I know and don’t know.
The truth is, I don’t know much. I don’t remember anyone from my past aside from Angel and Lindsey, but there must have been more. I couldn’t have been entirely alone, because I’ve never been. Day in and day out, however, the only person I have contact with is Lindsey. He takes care of me, he keeps me calm, he holds me when I cry.
But I feel like he’s afraid and that it’s because of me. I feel as though if I could only remember, I’d be able to set his fears to rest. But he won’t tell me anything. I’m trying to feel my way from moment to moment and stay focused, because maybe if my senses are at their peak the memories will come back.
They have to come back sometime.
At this point, my reasons are fairly simple to decipher. I remembered being a vampire and remembered never really appreciating the sunlight during my brief stint as a human when I was first returned to life. Surely if I'd appreciated it, I'd remember. I appreciated it this time because of a constant fear lurking in the pit of my stomach that sooner or later I'd lose my ability to bask in the sunlight. Lindsey'd promised me that it wouldn't happen, but I couldn't help but fear it. He had the best intentions, that much seemed clear, but how could one man save me like that? Was it even possible?
He was trying so hard to protect me. Trying to hard to be the brave knight that saved the damsel in distress. I didn't know how to convey to him that I didn't know how to play the part, a part reserved for those better suited to it than I. He must have had his reasons to believe that I needed protection, I supposed. I didn’t remember.
That’s not to say I don’t remember anything though. I remember dying, although I don’t remember waking up. I remember Angelus, vaguely. Angel I remember even less than that. I have memories of making love to Lindsey, although it was never really making love. At least not on my part. Sometimes I was warm and sometimes I could only feel his warmth. Things seem a bit different now, although I’m not sure how.
He knows that I’ve been getting some of my memories back, but he doesn’t know about all of them. I don’t know why I’ve been keeping it hidden. They’re mostly flashes of Angel, flashes of Lindsey. Obviously I recognized him that night - that night I came back. And I let it slip that I knew that he’d lived in a place that wasn’t here. But he’s basically running on guesses regarding what I know and don’t know.
The truth is, I don’t know much. I don’t remember anyone from my past aside from Angel and Lindsey, but there must have been more. I couldn’t have been entirely alone, because I’ve never been. Day in and day out, however, the only person I have contact with is Lindsey. He takes care of me, he keeps me calm, he holds me when I cry.
But I feel like he’s afraid and that it’s because of me. I feel as though if I could only remember, I’d be able to set his fears to rest. But he won’t tell me anything. I’m trying to feel my way from moment to moment and stay focused, because maybe if my senses are at their peak the memories will come back.
They have to come back sometime.