Getting it out of My Head
I'm supposed to be doing my chores, but my mind is going in circles, so I'm taking a moment to write everything down (and hoping that no one discovers that I'm back in my bedroom when I'm supposed to be five miles away).
I've come to realize that I am attracted to Victor. Or rather, I've come to admit it to myself. And I write those words and I say that like it's a terribly bad thing when it isn't. Or once upon a time it wouldn't have been. He's older than he looks. (Ha! There's an understatement.) But it's not about age . . . and it is all about age.
Six months ago, I wouldn't have had a second thought about it. (Well, six months ago he wouldn't have been 18, but that's neither here nor there.) No, it would have been a simple thing back then, in the World Before. I'd think he was fit, we go out for a drink or two, and it would be good fun. No pressure, no expectations and -
It's all Indy's fault. Really it is. What he said about "the world's gotta go on." It struck me hard and sent my mind reeling. After he said that, it wasn't just about the attraction, or the appeal, it became Something Big and Something Important as if the simple action of being attracted to a man is now tantamount to a mating dance. And what scares me to think is that maybe in this Brave New World, it is. Unfair as it is, maybe the rules have changed - going for coffee or dinner or dancing and playing the game - well, I suppose there's really no point to the old ways anymore is there?
But then, what are the new ways?
It's mad to think that or feel that it's necessary to "stake a claim" now, it seems stifling and smothering and yet a part of me is worried that if I don't just take the plunge, I'll be left on the sidelines after the whole world (what remains of it) has paired right off.
And is there even a point to this type of introspection and reflection? I *know* that Victor is attracted to me, even if I weren't telepathic, he hasn't gone out of his way to hide it. But he doesn't know me and I don't know him and it's entirely possible that - and likely highly probable - that his interest doesn't go beyond simple physical attraction. There's not been the slightest indication that he's ready to plunge forward in the "world's gotta go on" philosophy, and who could really blame him? He's been given a whole new second chance at life. A chance to live again and be young again and why would he want to start off his new life by taking such a path? I don't even know if that's a path that I want to follow, and I'm almost 30 and -
I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore.
Five years ago I would have just shagged him and have done with it. But I'm too conscientious now and too careful and too . . . teetering on the edge and staring down the tunnel of tomorrow and not knowing if I can afford to do such a thing if it would be a mistake later on down the line. I don’t think this world is conducive to "shagging out of your system."
And truly it's not that bad. It's not as though there's a wellspring of sexual attraction causing arcs of electricity across the room when we're present together. It's an attraction, no different from any other attraction that I've had to any other man. It has yet to reach the point of goose pimples and butterflies and … if things get that far, then they truly will be complicated.
I've come to realize that I am attracted to Victor. Or rather, I've come to admit it to myself. And I write those words and I say that like it's a terribly bad thing when it isn't. Or once upon a time it wouldn't have been. He's older than he looks. (Ha! There's an understatement.) But it's not about age . . . and it is all about age.
Six months ago, I wouldn't have had a second thought about it. (Well, six months ago he wouldn't have been 18, but that's neither here nor there.) No, it would have been a simple thing back then, in the World Before. I'd think he was fit, we go out for a drink or two, and it would be good fun. No pressure, no expectations and -
It's all Indy's fault. Really it is. What he said about "the world's gotta go on." It struck me hard and sent my mind reeling. After he said that, it wasn't just about the attraction, or the appeal, it became Something Big and Something Important as if the simple action of being attracted to a man is now tantamount to a mating dance. And what scares me to think is that maybe in this Brave New World, it is. Unfair as it is, maybe the rules have changed - going for coffee or dinner or dancing and playing the game - well, I suppose there's really no point to the old ways anymore is there?
But then, what are the new ways?
It's mad to think that or feel that it's necessary to "stake a claim" now, it seems stifling and smothering and yet a part of me is worried that if I don't just take the plunge, I'll be left on the sidelines after the whole world (what remains of it) has paired right off.
And is there even a point to this type of introspection and reflection? I *know* that Victor is attracted to me, even if I weren't telepathic, he hasn't gone out of his way to hide it. But he doesn't know me and I don't know him and it's entirely possible that - and likely highly probable - that his interest doesn't go beyond simple physical attraction. There's not been the slightest indication that he's ready to plunge forward in the "world's gotta go on" philosophy, and who could really blame him? He's been given a whole new second chance at life. A chance to live again and be young again and why would he want to start off his new life by taking such a path? I don't even know if that's a path that I want to follow, and I'm almost 30 and -
I don't even know where I'm going with this anymore.
Five years ago I would have just shagged him and have done with it. But I'm too conscientious now and too careful and too . . . teetering on the edge and staring down the tunnel of tomorrow and not knowing if I can afford to do such a thing if it would be a mistake later on down the line. I don’t think this world is conducive to "shagging out of your system."
And truly it's not that bad. It's not as though there's a wellspring of sexual attraction causing arcs of electricity across the room when we're present together. It's an attraction, no different from any other attraction that I've had to any other man. It has yet to reach the point of goose pimples and butterflies and … if things get that far, then they truly will be complicated.