The things I learn...
Every so often I find stuff on my flist that really pings with me. Last Saturday was one of those times.
sunfell posted the following list. My own commentary is in
List of female Asperger Syndrome traits
(from www.help4aspergers.com)
Appearance/Personal Habits
Dresses comfortably due to sensory issues and practicality. (Oh HELL yes. Probably 90 - 95% of female clothes I can't stand, because they're either ugly, have annoying crap on it (ruffles and lace SUCK), feel irritating in some way (bad materials), or are way, way too revealing. T-shirts and lounge pants are my friends.)
Will not spend much time on grooming and hair. Hairstyles usually have to be 'wash and wear'. (I spend far more time in the shower, but as far as styling my hair or putting on makeup, forget it. I have crappy hair that can't be tamed much - though it does get zapped with straightener and color on a regular basis - and I hate the feel of it in my face and on the back of my neck, so it stays short. And I HATE makeup. Hate it, hate it. Besides, I'm always touching my face so it would be hopelessly smeared and I'd wind up looking like a Jackson Pollack painting or whatever.)
Can be quite happy not grooming at all times. (I prefer to feel clean, so regular showers, but I do have times where I go into 'grunge' mode and feel all grimy for a couple of days. Usually this happens during a time of recuperation from illness, or if I'm feeling particularly lazy/depressed. And then when I do get up the energy to go shower and clean up, I always feel so much better afterward, even if my energy for the day is then depleted.)
Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance. (Yup. I like shirts with smartass sayings on them. I used to be a LOT more flamboyant in youth - helloooo '80s crazywear - but as this only gathered me more shit from assholes I eventually toned it way down.)
Is youthful for her age- in looks, dress, behavior and tastes. (Absolutely. I'm going to like what I like, and screw anybody who doesn't like that. I've always felt that my brain is about ten years behind my body, so, I WILL BE IMMORTAL. (Or as my best friend ayinsan and I put it, "we can be young only once, but we shall be immature forever!"))
Usually a little more expressive in face and gesture than male counterparts. (Probably. I do tend to make faces when presented with any kind of news - for good or ill.)
May have many androgynous traits despite an outwardly feminine appearance. Thinks of herself as half-male/half-female. (well-balanced anima/animus) (Yes. As Sunfell put it, "human first, female second." Though I tend to land a little more on the male side, methinks. But I've never considered myself to be wholly female, at least not in the typical sense.)
May not have a strong sense of identity, and can be very chameleon-like- especially before diagnosis. (Possibly. I've had my little 'phases' off and on over the years. It may be that I tend to integrate traits from people around me at the time, and manifest these aspects in a kind of oddball mixture.)
Enjoys reading, music and films as a retreat- often SF, fantasy, children's, can have favorites which are a refuge. (Yes. I was a HUGE bookworm as a kid and was infamous for getting lost in a book for hours at a time. And I don't care what anybody says, you're never too old to enjoy animation. I'd say a good 60% (at least) of my film collection is animation of some type. Cartoons rule! ;p )
Uses control as a stress management technique: rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits, which will contradict her seeming unconventionality. (Yes. I have my little habits that I need to do, or ways of managing my life that I hate being interfered with, or it completely throws me off. I can adapt, but usually do so grudgingly and wind up feeling like I'm trying to play catchup more often than not.)
Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment. (YES. My home is my castle!)
Intellectual/giftedness/education/vocation
May have diagnosed as autistic or Asperger's when young, or may have been thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc... May also have had obvious or severe learning deficits. (Asperger's wasn't around when I was a kid, and ADD/ADHD was just a blip on the outer radar at the time, so this cost me a lot in terms of social development and probably academic achievement. I was VERY good in English subjects and *horrid* in math ones, and routinely got kudos or condemnation for these. My sensitivity also probably contributed to my being horribly bullied, which was at its worst as soon as I hit 7th grade. Hooray for teenage angst. >:p )
Often musical, artistic. (Yes. I was told by my 5th grade band teacher that I had perfect pitch, which led to me joining the band - though I wish I'd picked a better instrument. Clarinet isn't exactly cool. :p And of course, there's the writing!)
May have a savant skill or strong talent(s). (Not sure about this, as I was never really encouraged in most of my interests, and my family is the type that doesn't really like to talk about in-depth stuff.)
May have a strong interest in computers, games, science, graphic design, inventing, things of a technological and visual nature. More verbal thinkers may gravitate to writing, languages, cultural studies, psychology. (Yes, on the verbal stuff. I fail at anything technological though.)
May be a self-taught reader, been hyperlexic as a child, and will possess a wide variety of other self-taught skills as well. (I tend to learn best by doing. When confronted with something that comes with a manual, I usually prefer to just jump right in rather than waste time reading the manual - unless it's something rather complex or sensitive. Then I will flip through it to glean the most important parts, and then it's off I go.)
May be highly educated, but will have had to struggle with social aspects of college. May have one or many partial degrees. (HA! I wish. I do tend to self-educate through reading, though. I've had instances where someone I know has surprised me with their unawareness of things and it shocked me, because I, being the reader, thought that *everybody* knew the same stuff! But I don't have any college degrees for two reasons: 1) that was right around when my first serious chronic depression hit, and I just couldn't go on, and 2) GOD DAMN FUCKING SHITTY MATH CLASSES. Did I mention that I completely suck at all things math? Stupid college - community college - required that you take a prerequisite (which doesn't count towards your credit hours, oh fun) in order to then pass on to the math course that would have counted. I tested and placed in the very lowest level prerequisite - and I was failing miserably. After realizing that it would have taken God only knows how many hours of classes and thousands of dollars, with no guarantee that I'd even have a remote chance of passing (tutoring did NOT help an ounce, and I went through tutors like a person with diarrhea goes through toilet paper), I finally said 'fuck this shit' and dropped out. So, that's one of my Big Regrets in life, that I don't have a degree, but I'm not going to torture myself either knowing that there's no way in hell I'll ever 'get' this crap. You can have your shitty fractions and algebraic goop.) (And as far as social stuff goes, well, classroom herding didn't do much good for me either. I prefer one-on-one attention. Nor was I ever really active in any clubs or organizations. I tried, but I just didn't (and still don't) get people, and vice versa.)
Can be very passionate about a course of study of job, and then change direction or go completely cold on it very quickly. (Yes, at least for the former half. I love to obsess on things I enjoy. :D *COUGHgetbackersCOUGH* )
Will often have trouble holding onto a job and may find employment daunting. (God, yes. :( I have never moved any higher than retail slave or office grunt, and I've done way more of the former than I care to remember. The highest wage I ever made in my life was about $10.25 an hour, for all of one week, at a call center in 2000, after which I abruptly quit because I couldn't handle the stress (HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE phones and the nasty people on them). This is one of the reasons I regularly think about suicide, because I can't support myself long-term, and the older I get, the more doubt I have that I'll ever be able to do so.)
Highly intelligent, yet sometimes can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues. (Yes. I regularly flub up things that most 'normal' people know, and I often have to ask people to repeat themselves because I didn't understand the first (two or three) time(s). And if I'm 'hyper-focused' - a trait common to ADDers - I can blot out virtually anything of the outside world to the point where I wouldn't even notice a bomb blast.)
Will not do well with verbal instruction- needs to write down or draw diagram. (Yes. This manifests itself most noticeably with my sense of direction. If you tell me how to get someplace I'm not familiar with, I will just give you the deer-in-the-headlights look. But if you show me - actually take me somewhere - to get to a place, I will almost always remember how to get back there again.
Will have obsessions but they are not as unusual as her male counter part (less likely to be a 'train-spotter'). (Sometimes.)
Emotional/Physical
Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive. (Yep. This caused (and sometimes still does) me no end of grief during my teen years. I remember once during an after-school party I went to (won something for some book report or good grades, I think) in the 5th grade, we were allowed to bring our own music. The other kids brought stuff like Bon Jovi or Whitesnake - I brought...a Garfield sing-a-along tape. Because I thought some of the songs on it were funny as hell. You may now pelt me with wet noodles.)
Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions. (Yes. I've always felt, even at its tiniest, a persistent feeling of doom, that I'm cursed and will never make it, in the back of my mind. This is also common for ADDers, because we're so afraid of screwing up again and bringing down other people's wrath on our heads.)
More open to talking about feelings and emotional issues than males with A/S. (Yes. If anything, my problem is that I *don't* have enough people, or ones that I can trust, to talk about this shit with, because sometimes it just feels so good to get it all out and to have somebody else who 'gets it'! (Family doesn't really count because they almost never get it, or like to lecture/patronize/condescend to me over what I'm doing 'wrong' or 'should' be doing.) On the flip side, sometimes I don't like to admit how lousy I feel, because then I feel like I'm admitting to being weak. This is probably a holdover from my high school days where to show any sign of such weakness was to invite more horrors from asshole peers.)
Strong sensory issues- sounds, sights, smells, touch and prone to overload. (Less likely to have taste/food texture issues as males.) (Yes. I hate 99% of perfumes/colognes for this reason; my allergies go berserk. (Interestingly, there is one male coworker at my current workplace who DOES have a cologne - I don't know what it is, and I don't have the guts to ask him for fear of coming off as some wacko stalker twit - that is actually very pleasing, and he doesn't slather it on too strong. I actually enjoy it when he passes by because then I can usually get a whiff of it.) Annoying (to me) sounds can piss me off as I try to either switch to something more pleasing, or strive for total silence. Irritating (to me) sights annoy me because then my attention tends to focus right on the object(s) of displeasure, since I'm such a visual person by nature. Smells that disgust me can provoke me to sickness and near-vomiting. Touch - if something is aggravating me, like a piece of lint, a hangnail or some scratchy pebble in my shoe - I have to deal with it ASAP or it'll drive me batty(er). And I do have certain food texture issues. I HATED hamburgers as a kid and to this day won't touch them (although I did break this longstanding rule recently when I tried a Chili's swiss mushroom burger - it turned out pretty good, so I may make an exception there), because I can't stand how the ground meat feels. Yet I LOVE a good t-bone steak.)
Moody and prone to bouts of depression. May have been diagnosed as bi-polar or manic depressive (common co-morbids of autism/ SA) while the AS diagnosis was missed. (Yes. Though I'm not bipolar or manic - and thank God for that because I'd probably be even worse than I am - I often sink into pits that take several days to crawl out of. This only started showing up once I got out of high school and was pitched (somewhat) into The Real World, with absolutely no clue or help on how to navigate it, which likely contributed to its festering.)
Probably given several different prescriptions to treat symptoms. Will be very sensitive to medications and anything else she puts in her body, so may have had adverse reactions. (I've tried a couple of antidepressants, though I never had any adverse reactions, thankfully. The good thing about the antidepressants, at least the first one, Prozac (go ahead and laugh, I did, because it's such a cliche), did do what it was supposed to - pulled me out of a seriously suicidal funk - but after a point, the antidepressants tend to level off and do nothing. Wellbutrin was like that for me. I only had antidepressants for a few years before they stopped working and I couldn't afford the continued cost, so I quit taking anything, and haven't to this day. I seem to be okay otherwise, if you don't count the regular I-want-to-die cycles I go through. I blame those more on my circumstances rather than any biological depression. I'm very fortunate in that any medications I take almost always do what they're supposed to, and don't give me any problems (that aren't manageable). I also don't want to take anything for my ADD because the drugs for that tend to squash the creative urges. Mine was Adderall, and I found that not only did it rev my energy - it's a stimulant - and squish my desire to write, I also learned that I could only have small doses of that. Once I went above a certain dosage point, it made me sick as a dog. Regular writer-block is bad enough; chemically-induced block was pissing me off so I said goodbye to that crap as well.)
9 out of 10 have mild to severe gastrointestinal difficulties-- e.g. ulcers, acid reflux, IBS, etc. (I never used to have problems with this, until after I hit my 30s. In the past, oh, 4 to 5 years I'd say, I've been noticing...things. I worry that I've contracted some kind of intestinal parasite, but I can't afford to see a doctor to treat it. I've currently got a $700 ER bill (for the infamous cat bite in December from Freddie the stray, who is still coming around, btw) that I'm verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry sloooooooooowly working on paying off a bit at a time.)
Stims to soothe when sad or agitated: rocking, face rubbing, humming, finger flicking, leg bouncer, finger or foot-tapping, etc. (Yes, and I do this even when I'm not agitated or distressed. I tend to bounce my leg/foot when I'm sitting with my leg crossed - NOT the typical 'female' way either, more like the way that men sit - and I also sway from side to side when standing. This drove my family - particularly my dad - nuts. But I refused to stop and I still do it. Because I'm an ornery bastard like that. (Also, you'll notice that I prefer to refer to myself in more male or neutral terms like that, just because I feel it suits me better. Interestingly, I learned recently when my folks were here, that they had been discussing baby names when my mom was pregnant with me, with my now-deceased grandfather (dad's side). If I had been a boy, my name would have been Glendon (for Grandpa) James. I actually like the sound of that better than I do my real (female) name (which those of you who know me, know). And when I have one of my godawful please-kill-me-now migraines, I sit in bed and rock, simply because it gives me something to try and focus on besides the head-stabbity pain in my skull.)
Similarly physical when happy: hand-flapping, clapping, singing, jumping, running around, dancing, bouncing. (Yes. I fidget. A lot. While I am capable of standing/sitting still, it's usually only for short periods of time, unless I'm doing something I enjoy/am focused heavily on, then I'm a pile of stone.)
Prone to temper or crying meltdowns- even in public, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload. (Yes. Very yes. It's one of the things I dislike about myself, because I've never been good at controlling my temper or sensitivity, and I get overwhelmed easily if I'm put in a situation I can't stand and/or control. Once at a job I was so overwhelmed that I literally ran away from the counter and into the bathroom, and spent several minutes crying because I couldn't grasp the mechanics of the job fast enough to suit customers/management. I'm still amazed I didn't get fired for that. (Ironically, this is also the SAME job I'm working now, except I don't have to do counter-duties. I worked there the first time I lived in Florida.) If I'm upset, I will scream, curse, throw/break things, and basically flip my shit the fuck out. Needless to say I've been doing a lot of this in the past 2 months.)
Hates injustice and hates to be misunderstood- this can incite anger and rage. (Absofuckinlutely. Even injustice that isn't directed at me specifically, I can get volcanically-enraged about - like the anti-abortion/anti-birth control attacks on women's rights. Because I'm not good at accurately conveying my thoughts/feelings, I have sometimes incurred misunderstandings between me and family members/friends. Usually though this resolves after we discuss the problem in-depth and we're back to being good again. But I have cut off a few people permanently in the past, not because of the misunderstanding, but because of the way they treated me that I felt was inexcusable and unforgivable. Yes, I hold grudges from here to hell and back again. There are names on my Shit List that date back as far as 25 years. No joke. Sadly, I'm also not good at redirecting my hostilities/homicidal impulses towards more constructive means, also due to my social awkwardness and general discomfort with putting myself out there. (Also, in the case of women's rights, I'd love to do something like volunteer at a PP clinic...but I don't want to get shot at/acid thrown on/stalked by asshole protesters. Which they have a history of doing.)
Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, esp. after a meltdown. Less likely to stutter than male counterparts but may have raspy voice, monotone at times, when stressed or sad. (I do stutter - even if I'm not upset - but when upset it all just wants to come pouring out and I can't speak worth a damn. Also, I seethe. A lot. And tend to vent in loud profane outbursts whenever possible, simply because I need the release. After a meltdown, I'm drained and just want to hide away from the world for a while. Yes, anger issues, I has them.)
Social/Relationships
Words and actions are often misunderstood by others. (Sometimes, usually because I can't seem to make myself coherent on the matter in such a way that would be considered nonthreatening)
Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly. (Probably more self-centered than anything else. If I'm considered aloof, it's only because I keep myself to myself and don't barge in on other people's groups or dealings - because to me, that would be rude!)
Is very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passions/obsessive interests. (Yes. I've been told by my family that I'm very 'opinionated', and they meant it in the derogatory sense (mainly because I accidentally angered other family members). But I still think my opinionatedness is generally a good thing. If that sounds arrogant, oh well. I never said I was a saint. Anyhoo, you'll notice that females who stand up for themselves are labeled opinionated, pushy, overbearing, or just plain bitchy. Men who speak their minds are tagged as brave, outspoken, pioneering, and the like. Fuck you, gender standard perpetrators.) (As an aside, gender imbalance is one of the things that absolutely ENRAGES me to fire-breathing annihilation mode. See also: the above entry on injustices and temper-triggers)
Can be very shy or mute. (Yes.)
Like her male counterpart, will shut down in social situations once overloaded, but is generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of being skilled, but it is a 'performance'. (Yes. This is why I have no problem with walking up to strangers to ask questions, but burn out after a long day's effort at work where I'm *forced* to interact with people. As long as I can control the scenario, I can manage all right. When I can't, I'll stumble more.)
Doesn't go out much. Will prefer to go out with partner only or children if she has them. (Yes. In any case, I sometimes want and like to go out, but not to clubs or parties or anything that involves mass socializing. Mostly I just want to go to restaurants or browse stores, or go sightseeing for the hell of it.)
Will not have many girlfriends and will not do 'girly things like shopping with them or have get-togethers to 'hang out'. (Yes, although I actually like shopping - but NOT necessarily for 'girly' stuff. And actually, ALL my friends are female. I don't have any guy friends. I get along better with women than I do men. On average, I don't feel as at ease around men. Make of that what you will; I have several theories. I can deal all right with men in a workplace setting; anything beyond that though, I don't do well and prefer to keep them at a distance.)
Will have a close friend or friends in school, but not once adulthood is reached. (Yes. And all my friends now that I *want* to hang out with, I can't...because we all live so far away from each other. :( )
May or may not want to have a relationship. If she is in a relationship, she probably takes it very seriously, but she may choose to remain celibate or alone. (I waffle on this, but of late am leaning towards permanent singledom because of my many issues. There are things I refuse to give up and will never, ever compromise on, and they would be serious sticking points for a mate. Ex., I don't want kids. Ever. When I was ten years old I knew I wasn't interested in kids; I never liked baby dolls - hated them and thought they were creepy as hell - and the dolls I did have did things like jungle quests or fantasy swordfights. I *MIGHT* be open to being a stepparent, but that's a real iffy question and would depend on a lot of factors, like the age of the kid(s) in question and how well we got along with each other. But overall, I'm just not interested in kids, and I don't think it's fair to me or them to have any just because "it's what you do." Too many people have kids for all the wrong reasons, and that's why we're so screwed up in the world. I do get lonely - more so as I get older - but that's because I can't get in touch with my friends as easily as I'd like. As far as a Committed Relationship goes, I don't need to be in one to get along. It might be nice, since I've never had any, but it would have to be one hell of a special person to get me to reconsider. Anyway, who needs spouses when you have muses? >:) Love me, love my muses. And cats. We're all a package deal, nonnegotiable.)
Due to sensory issues, will either really enjoy sex, or strongly dislike it. (Never done it, don't really care to - it's not worth the risk of disease or pregnancy, even if I used protection. With my luck, it *would* backfire and then I'd really be in the shit, and the way womens' rights seem to be going in the US anymore, I don't trust that I'd be able to get an abortion if I needed to (not that that would stop me; I'd throw myself down stairs if I had to). Oddly enough though, I have no problem writing Teh Pr0n. XD Maybe mental masturbation is better than the real deal, at least for me. XD )
If she likes a male, she can be extremely, noticeably awkward in her attempts to let him know, e.g. she may stare when she sees him or call him repeatedly. This is because she fixates and doesn't understand societal gender roles. This will change with maturity. (Yes, at least in my youth. Thankfully I never did anything seriously stupid or really made a complete cock-up of myself with anybody; my fixation was limited to covert eyeballing and strategic passings-by. I don't think I'd have withstood the humiliation if I'd dared go any further - regular misery in high school was bad enough. Nowadays I just don't give a damn enough to want to try; besides, 99% of men turn me right off for some reason or another, and the 1% that I do find mildly appealing are either already taken, gay, or have some serious flaw that I wouldn't be able to overlook. Oh well. *shrug* )
Often prefers the company of animals but not always due to sensory issues. (YES. Animals are better than (most) people, IMO. In this I'm like Shido from Get Backers. Animals are, as Sunfell said, honest. They don't play stupid games, they aren't mean or nasty (although I never have met a cocker spaniel that wasn't batshit crazy in one way or another; I'm no fan of that breed), and they love you unconditionally. All they ask in return is that you feed them, pet them and let them get all up in your face when you're trying to read a newspaper. XD I'm of the unshakable belief that if there is a heaven, animals must be there, and if they aren't, then I don't want to go there because it wouldn't be heaven at all. Not that I have much chance of getting into heaven in the first place, I suppose...!)
sunfell posted the following list. My own commentary is in
List of female Asperger Syndrome traits
(from www.help4aspergers.com)
Appearance/Personal Habits
Dresses comfortably due to sensory issues and practicality. (Oh HELL yes. Probably 90 - 95% of female clothes I can't stand, because they're either ugly, have annoying crap on it (ruffles and lace SUCK), feel irritating in some way (bad materials), or are way, way too revealing. T-shirts and lounge pants are my friends.)
Will not spend much time on grooming and hair. Hairstyles usually have to be 'wash and wear'. (I spend far more time in the shower, but as far as styling my hair or putting on makeup, forget it. I have crappy hair that can't be tamed much - though it does get zapped with straightener and color on a regular basis - and I hate the feel of it in my face and on the back of my neck, so it stays short. And I HATE makeup. Hate it, hate it. Besides, I'm always touching my face so it would be hopelessly smeared and I'd wind up looking like a Jackson Pollack painting or whatever.)
Can be quite happy not grooming at all times. (I prefer to feel clean, so regular showers, but I do have times where I go into 'grunge' mode and feel all grimy for a couple of days. Usually this happens during a time of recuperation from illness, or if I'm feeling particularly lazy/depressed. And then when I do get up the energy to go shower and clean up, I always feel so much better afterward, even if my energy for the day is then depleted.)
Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance. (Yup. I like shirts with smartass sayings on them. I used to be a LOT more flamboyant in youth - helloooo '80s crazywear - but as this only gathered me more shit from assholes I eventually toned it way down.)
Is youthful for her age- in looks, dress, behavior and tastes. (Absolutely. I'm going to like what I like, and screw anybody who doesn't like that. I've always felt that my brain is about ten years behind my body, so, I WILL BE IMMORTAL. (Or as my best friend ayinsan and I put it, "we can be young only once, but we shall be immature forever!"))
Usually a little more expressive in face and gesture than male counterparts. (Probably. I do tend to make faces when presented with any kind of news - for good or ill.)
May have many androgynous traits despite an outwardly feminine appearance. Thinks of herself as half-male/half-female. (well-balanced anima/animus) (Yes. As Sunfell put it, "human first, female second." Though I tend to land a little more on the male side, methinks. But I've never considered myself to be wholly female, at least not in the typical sense.)
May not have a strong sense of identity, and can be very chameleon-like- especially before diagnosis. (Possibly. I've had my little 'phases' off and on over the years. It may be that I tend to integrate traits from people around me at the time, and manifest these aspects in a kind of oddball mixture.)
Enjoys reading, music and films as a retreat- often SF, fantasy, children's, can have favorites which are a refuge. (Yes. I was a HUGE bookworm as a kid and was infamous for getting lost in a book for hours at a time. And I don't care what anybody says, you're never too old to enjoy animation. I'd say a good 60% (at least) of my film collection is animation of some type. Cartoons rule! ;p )
Uses control as a stress management technique: rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits, which will contradict her seeming unconventionality. (Yes. I have my little habits that I need to do, or ways of managing my life that I hate being interfered with, or it completely throws me off. I can adapt, but usually do so grudgingly and wind up feeling like I'm trying to play catchup more often than not.)
Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment. (YES. My home is my castle!)
Intellectual/giftedness/education/vocation
May have diagnosed as autistic or Asperger's when young, or may have been thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc... May also have had obvious or severe learning deficits. (Asperger's wasn't around when I was a kid, and ADD/ADHD was just a blip on the outer radar at the time, so this cost me a lot in terms of social development and probably academic achievement. I was VERY good in English subjects and *horrid* in math ones, and routinely got kudos or condemnation for these. My sensitivity also probably contributed to my being horribly bullied, which was at its worst as soon as I hit 7th grade. Hooray for teenage angst. >:p )
Often musical, artistic. (Yes. I was told by my 5th grade band teacher that I had perfect pitch, which led to me joining the band - though I wish I'd picked a better instrument. Clarinet isn't exactly cool. :p And of course, there's the writing!)
May have a savant skill or strong talent(s). (Not sure about this, as I was never really encouraged in most of my interests, and my family is the type that doesn't really like to talk about in-depth stuff.)
May have a strong interest in computers, games, science, graphic design, inventing, things of a technological and visual nature. More verbal thinkers may gravitate to writing, languages, cultural studies, psychology. (Yes, on the verbal stuff. I fail at anything technological though.)
May be a self-taught reader, been hyperlexic as a child, and will possess a wide variety of other self-taught skills as well. (I tend to learn best by doing. When confronted with something that comes with a manual, I usually prefer to just jump right in rather than waste time reading the manual - unless it's something rather complex or sensitive. Then I will flip through it to glean the most important parts, and then it's off I go.)
May be highly educated, but will have had to struggle with social aspects of college. May have one or many partial degrees. (HA! I wish. I do tend to self-educate through reading, though. I've had instances where someone I know has surprised me with their unawareness of things and it shocked me, because I, being the reader, thought that *everybody* knew the same stuff! But I don't have any college degrees for two reasons: 1) that was right around when my first serious chronic depression hit, and I just couldn't go on, and 2) GOD DAMN FUCKING SHITTY MATH CLASSES. Did I mention that I completely suck at all things math? Stupid college - community college - required that you take a prerequisite (which doesn't count towards your credit hours, oh fun) in order to then pass on to the math course that would have counted. I tested and placed in the very lowest level prerequisite - and I was failing miserably. After realizing that it would have taken God only knows how many hours of classes and thousands of dollars, with no guarantee that I'd even have a remote chance of passing (tutoring did NOT help an ounce, and I went through tutors like a person with diarrhea goes through toilet paper), I finally said 'fuck this shit' and dropped out. So, that's one of my Big Regrets in life, that I don't have a degree, but I'm not going to torture myself either knowing that there's no way in hell I'll ever 'get' this crap. You can have your shitty fractions and algebraic goop.) (And as far as social stuff goes, well, classroom herding didn't do much good for me either. I prefer one-on-one attention. Nor was I ever really active in any clubs or organizations. I tried, but I just didn't (and still don't) get people, and vice versa.)
Can be very passionate about a course of study of job, and then change direction or go completely cold on it very quickly. (Yes, at least for the former half. I love to obsess on things I enjoy. :D *COUGHgetbackersCOUGH* )
Will often have trouble holding onto a job and may find employment daunting. (God, yes. :( I have never moved any higher than retail slave or office grunt, and I've done way more of the former than I care to remember. The highest wage I ever made in my life was about $10.25 an hour, for all of one week, at a call center in 2000, after which I abruptly quit because I couldn't handle the stress (HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE phones and the nasty people on them). This is one of the reasons I regularly think about suicide, because I can't support myself long-term, and the older I get, the more doubt I have that I'll ever be able to do so.)
Highly intelligent, yet sometimes can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues. (Yes. I regularly flub up things that most 'normal' people know, and I often have to ask people to repeat themselves because I didn't understand the first (two or three) time(s). And if I'm 'hyper-focused' - a trait common to ADDers - I can blot out virtually anything of the outside world to the point where I wouldn't even notice a bomb blast.)
Will not do well with verbal instruction- needs to write down or draw diagram. (Yes. This manifests itself most noticeably with my sense of direction. If you tell me how to get someplace I'm not familiar with, I will just give you the deer-in-the-headlights look. But if you show me - actually take me somewhere - to get to a place, I will almost always remember how to get back there again.
Will have obsessions but they are not as unusual as her male counter part (less likely to be a 'train-spotter'). (Sometimes.)
Emotional/Physical
Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive. (Yep. This caused (and sometimes still does) me no end of grief during my teen years. I remember once during an after-school party I went to (won something for some book report or good grades, I think) in the 5th grade, we were allowed to bring our own music. The other kids brought stuff like Bon Jovi or Whitesnake - I brought...a Garfield sing-a-along tape. Because I thought some of the songs on it were funny as hell. You may now pelt me with wet noodles.)
Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions. (Yes. I've always felt, even at its tiniest, a persistent feeling of doom, that I'm cursed and will never make it, in the back of my mind. This is also common for ADDers, because we're so afraid of screwing up again and bringing down other people's wrath on our heads.)
More open to talking about feelings and emotional issues than males with A/S. (Yes. If anything, my problem is that I *don't* have enough people, or ones that I can trust, to talk about this shit with, because sometimes it just feels so good to get it all out and to have somebody else who 'gets it'! (Family doesn't really count because they almost never get it, or like to lecture/patronize/condescend to me over what I'm doing 'wrong' or 'should' be doing.) On the flip side, sometimes I don't like to admit how lousy I feel, because then I feel like I'm admitting to being weak. This is probably a holdover from my high school days where to show any sign of such weakness was to invite more horrors from asshole peers.)
Strong sensory issues- sounds, sights, smells, touch and prone to overload. (Less likely to have taste/food texture issues as males.) (Yes. I hate 99% of perfumes/colognes for this reason; my allergies go berserk. (Interestingly, there is one male coworker at my current workplace who DOES have a cologne - I don't know what it is, and I don't have the guts to ask him for fear of coming off as some wacko stalker twit - that is actually very pleasing, and he doesn't slather it on too strong. I actually enjoy it when he passes by because then I can usually get a whiff of it.) Annoying (to me) sounds can piss me off as I try to either switch to something more pleasing, or strive for total silence. Irritating (to me) sights annoy me because then my attention tends to focus right on the object(s) of displeasure, since I'm such a visual person by nature. Smells that disgust me can provoke me to sickness and near-vomiting. Touch - if something is aggravating me, like a piece of lint, a hangnail or some scratchy pebble in my shoe - I have to deal with it ASAP or it'll drive me batty(er). And I do have certain food texture issues. I HATED hamburgers as a kid and to this day won't touch them (although I did break this longstanding rule recently when I tried a Chili's swiss mushroom burger - it turned out pretty good, so I may make an exception there), because I can't stand how the ground meat feels. Yet I LOVE a good t-bone steak.)
Moody and prone to bouts of depression. May have been diagnosed as bi-polar or manic depressive (common co-morbids of autism/ SA) while the AS diagnosis was missed. (Yes. Though I'm not bipolar or manic - and thank God for that because I'd probably be even worse than I am - I often sink into pits that take several days to crawl out of. This only started showing up once I got out of high school and was pitched (somewhat) into The Real World, with absolutely no clue or help on how to navigate it, which likely contributed to its festering.)
Probably given several different prescriptions to treat symptoms. Will be very sensitive to medications and anything else she puts in her body, so may have had adverse reactions. (I've tried a couple of antidepressants, though I never had any adverse reactions, thankfully. The good thing about the antidepressants, at least the first one, Prozac (go ahead and laugh, I did, because it's such a cliche), did do what it was supposed to - pulled me out of a seriously suicidal funk - but after a point, the antidepressants tend to level off and do nothing. Wellbutrin was like that for me. I only had antidepressants for a few years before they stopped working and I couldn't afford the continued cost, so I quit taking anything, and haven't to this day. I seem to be okay otherwise, if you don't count the regular I-want-to-die cycles I go through. I blame those more on my circumstances rather than any biological depression. I'm very fortunate in that any medications I take almost always do what they're supposed to, and don't give me any problems (that aren't manageable). I also don't want to take anything for my ADD because the drugs for that tend to squash the creative urges. Mine was Adderall, and I found that not only did it rev my energy - it's a stimulant - and squish my desire to write, I also learned that I could only have small doses of that. Once I went above a certain dosage point, it made me sick as a dog. Regular writer-block is bad enough; chemically-induced block was pissing me off so I said goodbye to that crap as well.)
9 out of 10 have mild to severe gastrointestinal difficulties-- e.g. ulcers, acid reflux, IBS, etc. (I never used to have problems with this, until after I hit my 30s. In the past, oh, 4 to 5 years I'd say, I've been noticing...things. I worry that I've contracted some kind of intestinal parasite, but I can't afford to see a doctor to treat it. I've currently got a $700 ER bill (for the infamous cat bite in December from Freddie the stray, who is still coming around, btw) that I'm verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry sloooooooooowly working on paying off a bit at a time.)
Stims to soothe when sad or agitated: rocking, face rubbing, humming, finger flicking, leg bouncer, finger or foot-tapping, etc. (Yes, and I do this even when I'm not agitated or distressed. I tend to bounce my leg/foot when I'm sitting with my leg crossed - NOT the typical 'female' way either, more like the way that men sit - and I also sway from side to side when standing. This drove my family - particularly my dad - nuts. But I refused to stop and I still do it. Because I'm an ornery bastard like that. (Also, you'll notice that I prefer to refer to myself in more male or neutral terms like that, just because I feel it suits me better. Interestingly, I learned recently when my folks were here, that they had been discussing baby names when my mom was pregnant with me, with my now-deceased grandfather (dad's side). If I had been a boy, my name would have been Glendon (for Grandpa) James. I actually like the sound of that better than I do my real (female) name (which those of you who know me, know). And when I have one of my godawful please-kill-me-now migraines, I sit in bed and rock, simply because it gives me something to try and focus on besides the head-stabbity pain in my skull.)
Similarly physical when happy: hand-flapping, clapping, singing, jumping, running around, dancing, bouncing. (Yes. I fidget. A lot. While I am capable of standing/sitting still, it's usually only for short periods of time, unless I'm doing something I enjoy/am focused heavily on, then I'm a pile of stone.)
Prone to temper or crying meltdowns- even in public, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload. (Yes. Very yes. It's one of the things I dislike about myself, because I've never been good at controlling my temper or sensitivity, and I get overwhelmed easily if I'm put in a situation I can't stand and/or control. Once at a job I was so overwhelmed that I literally ran away from the counter and into the bathroom, and spent several minutes crying because I couldn't grasp the mechanics of the job fast enough to suit customers/management. I'm still amazed I didn't get fired for that. (Ironically, this is also the SAME job I'm working now, except I don't have to do counter-duties. I worked there the first time I lived in Florida.) If I'm upset, I will scream, curse, throw/break things, and basically flip my shit the fuck out. Needless to say I've been doing a lot of this in the past 2 months.)
Hates injustice and hates to be misunderstood- this can incite anger and rage. (Absofuckinlutely. Even injustice that isn't directed at me specifically, I can get volcanically-enraged about - like the anti-abortion/anti-birth control attacks on women's rights. Because I'm not good at accurately conveying my thoughts/feelings, I have sometimes incurred misunderstandings between me and family members/friends. Usually though this resolves after we discuss the problem in-depth and we're back to being good again. But I have cut off a few people permanently in the past, not because of the misunderstanding, but because of the way they treated me that I felt was inexcusable and unforgivable. Yes, I hold grudges from here to hell and back again. There are names on my Shit List that date back as far as 25 years. No joke. Sadly, I'm also not good at redirecting my hostilities/homicidal impulses towards more constructive means, also due to my social awkwardness and general discomfort with putting myself out there. (Also, in the case of women's rights, I'd love to do something like volunteer at a PP clinic...but I don't want to get shot at/acid thrown on/stalked by asshole protesters. Which they have a history of doing.)
Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, esp. after a meltdown. Less likely to stutter than male counterparts but may have raspy voice, monotone at times, when stressed or sad. (I do stutter - even if I'm not upset - but when upset it all just wants to come pouring out and I can't speak worth a damn. Also, I seethe. A lot. And tend to vent in loud profane outbursts whenever possible, simply because I need the release. After a meltdown, I'm drained and just want to hide away from the world for a while. Yes, anger issues, I has them.)
Social/Relationships
Words and actions are often misunderstood by others. (Sometimes, usually because I can't seem to make myself coherent on the matter in such a way that would be considered nonthreatening)
Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly. (Probably more self-centered than anything else. If I'm considered aloof, it's only because I keep myself to myself and don't barge in on other people's groups or dealings - because to me, that would be rude!)
Is very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passions/obsessive interests. (Yes. I've been told by my family that I'm very 'opinionated', and they meant it in the derogatory sense (mainly because I accidentally angered other family members). But I still think my opinionatedness is generally a good thing. If that sounds arrogant, oh well. I never said I was a saint. Anyhoo, you'll notice that females who stand up for themselves are labeled opinionated, pushy, overbearing, or just plain bitchy. Men who speak their minds are tagged as brave, outspoken, pioneering, and the like. Fuck you, gender standard perpetrators.) (As an aside, gender imbalance is one of the things that absolutely ENRAGES me to fire-breathing annihilation mode. See also: the above entry on injustices and temper-triggers)
Can be very shy or mute. (Yes.)
Like her male counterpart, will shut down in social situations once overloaded, but is generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of being skilled, but it is a 'performance'. (Yes. This is why I have no problem with walking up to strangers to ask questions, but burn out after a long day's effort at work where I'm *forced* to interact with people. As long as I can control the scenario, I can manage all right. When I can't, I'll stumble more.)
Doesn't go out much. Will prefer to go out with partner only or children if she has them. (Yes. In any case, I sometimes want and like to go out, but not to clubs or parties or anything that involves mass socializing. Mostly I just want to go to restaurants or browse stores, or go sightseeing for the hell of it.)
Will not have many girlfriends and will not do 'girly things like shopping with them or have get-togethers to 'hang out'. (Yes, although I actually like shopping - but NOT necessarily for 'girly' stuff. And actually, ALL my friends are female. I don't have any guy friends. I get along better with women than I do men. On average, I don't feel as at ease around men. Make of that what you will; I have several theories. I can deal all right with men in a workplace setting; anything beyond that though, I don't do well and prefer to keep them at a distance.)
Will have a close friend or friends in school, but not once adulthood is reached. (Yes. And all my friends now that I *want* to hang out with, I can't...because we all live so far away from each other. :( )
May or may not want to have a relationship. If she is in a relationship, she probably takes it very seriously, but she may choose to remain celibate or alone. (I waffle on this, but of late am leaning towards permanent singledom because of my many issues. There are things I refuse to give up and will never, ever compromise on, and they would be serious sticking points for a mate. Ex., I don't want kids. Ever. When I was ten years old I knew I wasn't interested in kids; I never liked baby dolls - hated them and thought they were creepy as hell - and the dolls I did have did things like jungle quests or fantasy swordfights. I *MIGHT* be open to being a stepparent, but that's a real iffy question and would depend on a lot of factors, like the age of the kid(s) in question and how well we got along with each other. But overall, I'm just not interested in kids, and I don't think it's fair to me or them to have any just because "it's what you do." Too many people have kids for all the wrong reasons, and that's why we're so screwed up in the world. I do get lonely - more so as I get older - but that's because I can't get in touch with my friends as easily as I'd like. As far as a Committed Relationship goes, I don't need to be in one to get along. It might be nice, since I've never had any, but it would have to be one hell of a special person to get me to reconsider. Anyway, who needs spouses when you have muses? >:) Love me, love my muses. And cats. We're all a package deal, nonnegotiable.)
Due to sensory issues, will either really enjoy sex, or strongly dislike it. (Never done it, don't really care to - it's not worth the risk of disease or pregnancy, even if I used protection. With my luck, it *would* backfire and then I'd really be in the shit, and the way womens' rights seem to be going in the US anymore, I don't trust that I'd be able to get an abortion if I needed to (not that that would stop me; I'd throw myself down stairs if I had to). Oddly enough though, I have no problem writing Teh Pr0n. XD Maybe mental masturbation is better than the real deal, at least for me. XD )
If she likes a male, she can be extremely, noticeably awkward in her attempts to let him know, e.g. she may stare when she sees him or call him repeatedly. This is because she fixates and doesn't understand societal gender roles. This will change with maturity. (Yes, at least in my youth. Thankfully I never did anything seriously stupid or really made a complete cock-up of myself with anybody; my fixation was limited to covert eyeballing and strategic passings-by. I don't think I'd have withstood the humiliation if I'd dared go any further - regular misery in high school was bad enough. Nowadays I just don't give a damn enough to want to try; besides, 99% of men turn me right off for some reason or another, and the 1% that I do find mildly appealing are either already taken, gay, or have some serious flaw that I wouldn't be able to overlook. Oh well. *shrug* )
Often prefers the company of animals but not always due to sensory issues. (YES. Animals are better than (most) people, IMO. In this I'm like Shido from Get Backers. Animals are, as Sunfell said, honest. They don't play stupid games, they aren't mean or nasty (although I never have met a cocker spaniel that wasn't batshit crazy in one way or another; I'm no fan of that breed), and they love you unconditionally. All they ask in return is that you feed them, pet them and let them get all up in your face when you're trying to read a newspaper. XD I'm of the unshakable belief that if there is a heaven, animals must be there, and if they aren't, then I don't want to go there because it wouldn't be heaven at all. Not that I have much chance of getting into heaven in the first place, I suppose...!)