we swing back and forth, back and forth.
sometimes, when i hear his voice, i think we're back together. i can't get myself out of the habit of calling him sweetie. i did it again on the phone today. i can't stop thinking of him like that.
when we're on the phone, things are different, but way underneath. in our voices, what we say, we're okay. things feel almost comfortable. i can tell he cares. but in person, i'm scared of him. i can't walk up to him. i can't talk to him first. i'm petrified of doing something wrong. something he'll find stifiling- not giving him his space. things are so much different in person. i was upset seeing him at church today. then he sat by me, sat next to me, in the same chair, all during church. trying to comfort me, i guess. and i had no idea what to think of that. i wanted to reach out and grab his hand, wanted him to TOUCH me. and yet i also wanted him to go away, far away. across the room, out of sight, disappear. i wanted it all, i wanted nothing.
mom cut my hair today. it was just to even out one of the layers that i didnt think looked good. she cut more than i wanted her to. but it looks okay. sometimes i think about drastically cutting it, or dying it with the red streaks like i dream about. i wonder if its because of all this going on. but i'm scared. i've always been scared to do something drastic with my hair. i know its only hair but i dont want to ruin it. i need a change. i've looked the same for years now.
i got some really neat thrift store shirts and skirts. they are very cute. i like them.
when we're on the phone, things are different, but way underneath. in our voices, what we say, we're okay. things feel almost comfortable. i can tell he cares. but in person, i'm scared of him. i can't walk up to him. i can't talk to him first. i'm petrified of doing something wrong. something he'll find stifiling- not giving him his space. things are so much different in person. i was upset seeing him at church today. then he sat by me, sat next to me, in the same chair, all during church. trying to comfort me, i guess. and i had no idea what to think of that. i wanted to reach out and grab his hand, wanted him to TOUCH me. and yet i also wanted him to go away, far away. across the room, out of sight, disappear. i wanted it all, i wanted nothing.
mom cut my hair today. it was just to even out one of the layers that i didnt think looked good. she cut more than i wanted her to. but it looks okay. sometimes i think about drastically cutting it, or dying it with the red streaks like i dream about. i wonder if its because of all this going on. but i'm scared. i've always been scared to do something drastic with my hair. i know its only hair but i dont want to ruin it. i need a change. i've looked the same for years now.
i got some really neat thrift store shirts and skirts. they are very cute. i like them.