Zombie Reagan in 2016
A few days late, but it took me kind of a long time to get everything I wanted to say straight in my head. This is my new years' post for 2011, no cut because I don't like to hide things I mean, but be warned that there is emotional content below.
2010 was a horrible, dark year for me and right now, I still feel like there's no part of it I'd like to save. But even as I'm writing this, I can tell that my feelings on that are changing. Despite everything, I know that soon enough I'll stop feeling so bitterly sorry for everything that happened to me last year and start accepting it because without 2010, I wouldn't be who I am at the start of 2011. In 2010, I spent too much time in England. 2009 was the first year I'd had dreams that were really getting to the core of who I was, dreams that were really for me and nobody else, that were as beautiful as I wanted them to be. It was the first time in my life I'd really felt that way, and I didn't know how to deal with it. This was no eight year old believing they can do anything and being taught through a broken arm or the loss of a best friend that the world doesn't work that way. I was already an adult by the time I'd started to dream, and they were complex adults' dreams with complex adults' feelings, except that I didn't know how to make any of it happen, I didn't know how to open up or how to express affection properly. By the time 2010 started, I'd ruined everything. The loss of my dreams, and the loneliness of England, put me into the worst depression I have ever been in. In 2010, I threw up from anxiety. I went several days at a time without eating. I seriously contemplated suicide, because I didn't know how to stop feeling miserable. I set those thoughts aside, because I decided I would try to learn. I had to hold and comfort my own father when he started crying because he thought I would leave England to marry an American. That was exactly what I intended to do. I had to lie to him. I stopped talking to my oldest friend. Everything I was afraid of, loss, permanence, loneliness, guilt, everything happened to me in 2010. I alternated lashing out and caving in every other week, and I genuinely believed that I would never be able to have dreams again.
The new year is here, and I don't feel that way any more. This is literally a state of mind that I've become sure of in the last couple of days. I find that I'm not afraid to imagine good things happening to me any more. I'm slowly starting to be strong on my own, to have aspirations that I believe I will achieve.
What happened to me is complicated, and I'm not sure I could untangle it all even with the help of a therapist. It's tough on my own, but I'm starting to understand enough. Between the death of my mother, the total loss of connection with my father (and his loss of my trust), and an almost total lack of good friends beyond age 12 or so, I was essentially left feeling rebellious, reactionary, miserable, resentful and so good at pretending that it was essentially all I knew how to do. My conclusions were pretty much that I couldn't be genuine around anybody, that I was worth nothing and if anybody acted like they liked me, there was probably something I was missing, and that emotions were the enemy. My first attempt, aged 17, of wanting more than that, was nonetheless still based mostly in those terms. It wasn't good enough for interpreting the better things I'd found. I was a bitch, and then I was insecure, and then I was -deeply- clingy, and then I was desperate to make everything perfect, right away. And then 2010 hit and my tiny, stupid, tangled world just crumbled in on itself.
It's been a horrible journey, and I've never been convinced there would be anything at the end of it. Now I'm there, I'm pleasantly surprised to find I'm wrong. I think this was the hope I wouldn't let myself feel that I was holding out for.
I've changed in almost every way possible. I no longer care about upholding standards of morality, or philosophy first - I almost don't care about politics at all, either. I don't care if people are wrong, and I don't feel guilty for feeling love, or for crying too easily. I've almost completely let go of my resentment for my missed opportunities. Tonight, I learned that I'm a thousand times more grateful to see the people I care about come back home safe than I am resentful that I didn't get exactly what I wanted first time around. Science is fun, but I know now that I'm no scientist. I've learned that I'm an artist - music, drawing, dance, these are the things that really make me happy. I've been rolling around the idea of learning sculpture, and I already feel like it's right there, in my grasp - no science ever felt that way. Law felt a little like that, but not when I considered switching from English Law to US Law. It was too much. So maybe the supposed-to-be me, who was born on American soil, maybe she attended law school and became an attorney. This me doesn't. And I'm done hurting about that. I'm done hurting about everything.
I know why I couldn't see it before, but I've finally learned that being a good person - the bright, pretty, peppermint girl that I wanted to be - isn't something that other people are going to give me, or that isn't possible without acceptance, or marriage, or whatever. Those things come second - being happy is something I can give myself. It's something I deserve, something that I can have if I'd stop hating myself like I learned to do before I was into double digits and just reach out and take it. Love and acceptance are eternal, and they're things I already have - for real, for once, not just as charity, or something my father made happen, or something that happened out of convenience and won't last. I think I've beaten my life up enough to know that it will last, if I let it. I'm not going to be like my father, and give up on everything and end up with nothing. I'm never going to be like him.
Negative memories are just learning experiences, mistakes that you remember so you don't repeat them. Positive memories are the ones you hold on to and revisit every day. I've had it backwards, until now.
Funnily enough, a couple things that taught me to think like this were Dexter and Tron. (I may or may not have a zen thing going on now?) Dexter taught me a lot of things about hiding and trust that rang creepily true for me, but it really helped. As for Tron... it's hard to explain why it made me so happy. I love my Marvel babies, Tony and Matt and Harry and Thor, but somehow... Tron and Rinzler feel like-- mine, and special, more than any character has before. The 80s-ness really helps me get into it, of course. And my sudden, inexplicable discovery that I don't, in fact, have negative talent when it comes to playing video games. Somehow all of that Tron stuff, Flynn and Tron and Ram and Clu (I and II, boop boop) and just-- everything, makes me feel so stupidly warm and happy. I love having it. It's strange, but it's very settling and grounding.
So, in 2011, I'm going to stop being so scared. The Hell of 2010 is over and I'm going to celebrate by being thankful that I have so much more than I realized I did. Fear and anxiety don't win me a family, they push everyone away, including myself. I never want to hurt like I did last year, I never want to be so afraid of everything, and I never want to hate myself so much. At least when you hate other people, you can make them go away - but I can't escape from myself. So I'll resolve that by not wanting to.
In 2011, I'm going to stop doing things (science) because I think they're good, and start doing things (art) because I like them.
In 2011, I'm going to learn the real meaning of having to love yourself before you can love others. I don't think I ever understood how much hating yourself and believing yourself to be unworthy of other people's companionship makes it impossible to ever have companionship, because you never believe you have it even when you do.
In 2011, I'm going to remember who my real friends are, and I'm never, ever going to forget who my real family are.
---
♥ flight_wo_wings - You've been a good friend to me for years, and I really value our friendship. You were loyal when only a tiny handful of the people I thought were my friends were loyal to me, you've always been there when I was upset. We went through some tough times, especially when I was in school, but I'm really looking forward to dancing with you and hanging out with you. I'm so happy to have a friend here already.
♥ wraithvx - I lived in England nineteen years, and you're the only real friend I have there. I don't know why I could never meet people I liked that liked me back, but duder, whatever it was that made you stick with me - thank you.
♥ pink_rain - I'm so glad you're happy now. When we first met I always wanted to help you, but I never had the first clue how. Have the best year with DeLan - one day I'll come and visit you, I promise! And when I get back to England I'll send you those candies I promised. Happy New Year, beautiful girl.
♥ Hewitt - Hitting 2011 with a fiancée, a daughter and a DADT repeal has got to be one of the better ways to start the year. You still make me smile like you did when we first started talking, and I'm so glad to call you a friend. Please never stop ranting to me about your butter-eating kitten and your chickens.
♥ whatclaptrap - I'm proud to call you my best friend. You're witty, kind-hearted and awesome fun, and you keep my 80s-delusions in check like a champion. You're trustworthy and you've never let my side down, ever. Let's spend 2011 fangirling over Rinzler and your novels, because this is what I want.
♥ Matty - You're a wonderful part of my family, and you make me happy and cheer me up so often. I'm so impressed with you for taking on work and school at the same time, it's inspirational. Please keep horrifying me with tales from your medical classes all year, and never stop being a better cook than me, so I have something to aspire to.
♥ Goose - You're my special girl and you always will be. I love cooking for you, I love memeswapping with you, I love the crazy-ass lulz we get up to when we're hanging out. I adore it when we stay up together half the night like it's a sleepover. You give me shota and junkies and gaymarriage and you will always be my Midnighter. You're so much fun, and I'm grateful that you're part of my family.
♥ Bebe - I love you. I know we've hurt each other a lot, but I guess that's the story of our lives. I'm not here to save you, not any more, and I don't want saving, either. We got hurt, we get hurt. I'm not going to let it bring me down any more. I'm taking everything from that New Year's kiss (my memory pulled through, for once, and I remember it perfectly and I'm not going to forget) and going from there and not stopping and not backing down. Even though you've seen me through the worst of my pitiful attempts at self-therapy, and occasionally self-destruction, you stuck by me. And I'm finally unafraid enough to understand what that means. I was so afraid you wouldn't come home, and so grateful that you did. I understood that that was what's important to me, more than anything. That my family stays together, all of us, no matter what. This is a new year, and I'm done living in the past.
Happy New Year, everybody. I love you all ♥
2010 was a horrible, dark year for me and right now, I still feel like there's no part of it I'd like to save. But even as I'm writing this, I can tell that my feelings on that are changing. Despite everything, I know that soon enough I'll stop feeling so bitterly sorry for everything that happened to me last year and start accepting it because without 2010, I wouldn't be who I am at the start of 2011. In 2010, I spent too much time in England. 2009 was the first year I'd had dreams that were really getting to the core of who I was, dreams that were really for me and nobody else, that were as beautiful as I wanted them to be. It was the first time in my life I'd really felt that way, and I didn't know how to deal with it. This was no eight year old believing they can do anything and being taught through a broken arm or the loss of a best friend that the world doesn't work that way. I was already an adult by the time I'd started to dream, and they were complex adults' dreams with complex adults' feelings, except that I didn't know how to make any of it happen, I didn't know how to open up or how to express affection properly. By the time 2010 started, I'd ruined everything. The loss of my dreams, and the loneliness of England, put me into the worst depression I have ever been in. In 2010, I threw up from anxiety. I went several days at a time without eating. I seriously contemplated suicide, because I didn't know how to stop feeling miserable. I set those thoughts aside, because I decided I would try to learn. I had to hold and comfort my own father when he started crying because he thought I would leave England to marry an American. That was exactly what I intended to do. I had to lie to him. I stopped talking to my oldest friend. Everything I was afraid of, loss, permanence, loneliness, guilt, everything happened to me in 2010. I alternated lashing out and caving in every other week, and I genuinely believed that I would never be able to have dreams again.
The new year is here, and I don't feel that way any more. This is literally a state of mind that I've become sure of in the last couple of days. I find that I'm not afraid to imagine good things happening to me any more. I'm slowly starting to be strong on my own, to have aspirations that I believe I will achieve.
What happened to me is complicated, and I'm not sure I could untangle it all even with the help of a therapist. It's tough on my own, but I'm starting to understand enough. Between the death of my mother, the total loss of connection with my father (and his loss of my trust), and an almost total lack of good friends beyond age 12 or so, I was essentially left feeling rebellious, reactionary, miserable, resentful and so good at pretending that it was essentially all I knew how to do. My conclusions were pretty much that I couldn't be genuine around anybody, that I was worth nothing and if anybody acted like they liked me, there was probably something I was missing, and that emotions were the enemy. My first attempt, aged 17, of wanting more than that, was nonetheless still based mostly in those terms. It wasn't good enough for interpreting the better things I'd found. I was a bitch, and then I was insecure, and then I was -deeply- clingy, and then I was desperate to make everything perfect, right away. And then 2010 hit and my tiny, stupid, tangled world just crumbled in on itself.
It's been a horrible journey, and I've never been convinced there would be anything at the end of it. Now I'm there, I'm pleasantly surprised to find I'm wrong. I think this was the hope I wouldn't let myself feel that I was holding out for.
I've changed in almost every way possible. I no longer care about upholding standards of morality, or philosophy first - I almost don't care about politics at all, either. I don't care if people are wrong, and I don't feel guilty for feeling love, or for crying too easily. I've almost completely let go of my resentment for my missed opportunities. Tonight, I learned that I'm a thousand times more grateful to see the people I care about come back home safe than I am resentful that I didn't get exactly what I wanted first time around. Science is fun, but I know now that I'm no scientist. I've learned that I'm an artist - music, drawing, dance, these are the things that really make me happy. I've been rolling around the idea of learning sculpture, and I already feel like it's right there, in my grasp - no science ever felt that way. Law felt a little like that, but not when I considered switching from English Law to US Law. It was too much. So maybe the supposed-to-be me, who was born on American soil, maybe she attended law school and became an attorney. This me doesn't. And I'm done hurting about that. I'm done hurting about everything.
I know why I couldn't see it before, but I've finally learned that being a good person - the bright, pretty, peppermint girl that I wanted to be - isn't something that other people are going to give me, or that isn't possible without acceptance, or marriage, or whatever. Those things come second - being happy is something I can give myself. It's something I deserve, something that I can have if I'd stop hating myself like I learned to do before I was into double digits and just reach out and take it. Love and acceptance are eternal, and they're things I already have - for real, for once, not just as charity, or something my father made happen, or something that happened out of convenience and won't last. I think I've beaten my life up enough to know that it will last, if I let it. I'm not going to be like my father, and give up on everything and end up with nothing. I'm never going to be like him.
Negative memories are just learning experiences, mistakes that you remember so you don't repeat them. Positive memories are the ones you hold on to and revisit every day. I've had it backwards, until now.
Funnily enough, a couple things that taught me to think like this were Dexter and Tron. (I may or may not have a zen thing going on now?) Dexter taught me a lot of things about hiding and trust that rang creepily true for me, but it really helped. As for Tron... it's hard to explain why it made me so happy. I love my Marvel babies, Tony and Matt and Harry and Thor, but somehow... Tron and Rinzler feel like-- mine, and special, more than any character has before. The 80s-ness really helps me get into it, of course. And my sudden, inexplicable discovery that I don't, in fact, have negative talent when it comes to playing video games. Somehow all of that Tron stuff, Flynn and Tron and Ram and Clu (I and II, boop boop) and just-- everything, makes me feel so stupidly warm and happy. I love having it. It's strange, but it's very settling and grounding.
So, in 2011, I'm going to stop being so scared. The Hell of 2010 is over and I'm going to celebrate by being thankful that I have so much more than I realized I did. Fear and anxiety don't win me a family, they push everyone away, including myself. I never want to hurt like I did last year, I never want to be so afraid of everything, and I never want to hate myself so much. At least when you hate other people, you can make them go away - but I can't escape from myself. So I'll resolve that by not wanting to.
In 2011, I'm going to stop doing things (science) because I think they're good, and start doing things (art) because I like them.
In 2011, I'm going to learn the real meaning of having to love yourself before you can love others. I don't think I ever understood how much hating yourself and believing yourself to be unworthy of other people's companionship makes it impossible to ever have companionship, because you never believe you have it even when you do.
In 2011, I'm going to remember who my real friends are, and I'm never, ever going to forget who my real family are.
---
♥ flight_wo_wings - You've been a good friend to me for years, and I really value our friendship. You were loyal when only a tiny handful of the people I thought were my friends were loyal to me, you've always been there when I was upset. We went through some tough times, especially when I was in school, but I'm really looking forward to dancing with you and hanging out with you. I'm so happy to have a friend here already.
♥ wraithvx - I lived in England nineteen years, and you're the only real friend I have there. I don't know why I could never meet people I liked that liked me back, but duder, whatever it was that made you stick with me - thank you.
♥ pink_rain - I'm so glad you're happy now. When we first met I always wanted to help you, but I never had the first clue how. Have the best year with DeLan - one day I'll come and visit you, I promise! And when I get back to England I'll send you those candies I promised. Happy New Year, beautiful girl.
♥ Hewitt - Hitting 2011 with a fiancée, a daughter and a DADT repeal has got to be one of the better ways to start the year. You still make me smile like you did when we first started talking, and I'm so glad to call you a friend. Please never stop ranting to me about your butter-eating kitten and your chickens.
♥ whatclaptrap - I'm proud to call you my best friend. You're witty, kind-hearted and awesome fun, and you keep my 80s-delusions in check like a champion. You're trustworthy and you've never let my side down, ever. Let's spend 2011 fangirling over Rinzler and your novels, because this is what I want.
♥ Matty - You're a wonderful part of my family, and you make me happy and cheer me up so often. I'm so impressed with you for taking on work and school at the same time, it's inspirational. Please keep horrifying me with tales from your medical classes all year, and never stop being a better cook than me, so I have something to aspire to.
♥ Goose - You're my special girl and you always will be. I love cooking for you, I love memeswapping with you, I love the crazy-ass lulz we get up to when we're hanging out. I adore it when we stay up together half the night like it's a sleepover. You give me shota and junkies and gaymarriage and you will always be my Midnighter. You're so much fun, and I'm grateful that you're part of my family.
♥ Bebe - I love you. I know we've hurt each other a lot, but I guess that's the story of our lives. I'm not here to save you, not any more, and I don't want saving, either. We got hurt, we get hurt. I'm not going to let it bring me down any more. I'm taking everything from that New Year's kiss (my memory pulled through, for once, and I remember it perfectly and I'm not going to forget) and going from there and not stopping and not backing down. Even though you've seen me through the worst of my pitiful attempts at self-therapy, and occasionally self-destruction, you stuck by me. And I'm finally unafraid enough to understand what that means. I was so afraid you wouldn't come home, and so grateful that you did. I understood that that was what's important to me, more than anything. That my family stays together, all of us, no matter what. This is a new year, and I'm done living in the past.
Happy New Year, everybody. I love you all ♥