So it's been a while...
I really don't know why I have a livejournal, when do I ever write in it? haha What can you do?
So everything is just really blah lately. I mean....nothing good, but nothing bad (for me). I just wish something exciting would happen. I'm sick of being alone, being lonely. Like...I guess I just don't feel like I fit in with my friends, like everyone is really good friends and I'm just...kind of a friend. I always feel like I'm missing something. Which I am, a whole three years of something. I realize that this is not intended and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I also realize that I'm just a big fat attention whore, and I need to get over myself, but sometimes you just want things to go your way, right?
Meanwhile, I really shouldn't be complaining because there are people around me who have some serious shit do deal with. Things I couldn't comprehend because I live in a little plastic bubble. I don't deal with reality, I try to stay away from truth. I like my bubble. It is glorious. But as I was saying, people dealing with serious shit. Where they're going to live, how they're going to get to work the next day, how they're going to support something that's out of their control...I don't know if those are the right words, but it's good enough for me, I don't want anyone to misunderstand. I just don't know how to react, or what to say, in one hand I want to hit them upside the head, but on the other, I know it wont do anything. I want to offer help, but I know I wouldn't be able to, or if I did it wouldn't be much. *sigh*
Because it is a tradition, I get to bitch now:
So I tried to call someone today, but they, unfortunately, were unavailable. So I talked to the person who answered the phone. I was concerned...am concerned with what is going on with the person whom I tried calling, so I was being obnoxiously curious and asking questions. So maybe in some way I was critizising, which I have no right to do, but that's not what was meant by it, I was...am worried, but it's my friend, so I have a right to be. Then, I tried to share some information with them that I learned in school, that would, I think, benefit that person whom I tried to call. Anyway, the person on the phone had someone call for them in the back round and said they had to get going. I'm not that fucking stupid. I'm an idiot, yes. I'm stupid, yes. Am I that stupid? No. I know when shit's going on. IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME, fucking TELL ME. Okay? You don't have to insult my intelligence by doing something like that. Mmkay? No offense to the person that did it, but it pissed me off. I was seriously concerned about the situation, I wanted to know what was or would be going on. Crime? If so, I'm so sorry. It's not like I meant anything by it, like, "I don't trust your judgement", or that I think I'm Almighty and know everything, but if I think something would benefit someone's current condition, I'll share. End of that. Needless to say, I'm not going to call again unless they...that person calls me first. I never call at the right time anyway. Sorry if I pissed anyone off with this, I just have no one to talk to and that's what a journal is for. TAKE NO OFFENSE.
I don't know why I try with anyone. No one likes me anyway. I wish I was a better person. More motivated, more anything, something to make somebody appreciate me. Not a lot, not like I want someone to think I'm like the best thing ever, but it'd be nice to know that someone appreciated me. I guess I have to do something worth appreciation, hmm? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not a good 'friend' and I'm sorry I suck at life. You don't have to tell me twice. Like I said in my myspace blog thingy, I need to just stop talking. To anyone. I could benefit the world with that action.
I know, I know. Stupid little emo brat, there are people starving, there are people dying, there are so many fucking people who are millions of times worse than you shut the fuck up. Well, it's done.