farewell...
Me and Paul got into a fight today, about...everything. I'm tired of him trying to tell me what to do and what not to do. Theres a fine line between being a good strong protective boyfriend and overprotective and overbearing and he crossed that line. I feel as if I have to answer to him for everything. I feel as if he's trying to be more of my father than my boyfriend. Then he has the balls to hold me and trap me in a corner!!! ugh!! I've gone through that once and I will not go through it again. He told me he would never do that and I told him if he ever did I would break up with him and so....I did! I broke up with Paul! He's a great guy and everything he does is in the best intentions but he doesn't understand some of the things he's doing is hurting me and he needs to stop. I wondering if all this than happens is my fault. I think I push people away and I say they are close but deep down for some reason I don't let them get as close as they should be. I don't even know how I feel anymore... I don't know if I want to stay with Paul or just stay away. I dunno if I love anyone! Ugh!! I hate myself! I hate how I get myself into these situations and then I try and blame them on others! I guess it is my fault Peter turned out to be the way he is to me now. I pushed him to the limit and I broke us up! I stopped loving him and couldn't say anything. I couldn't open up to him and listen to him. Thats how it is with Paul, I can't open up, I can't listen to the things he says cause it hurts, he says such great things and I can't stand to hear them!!!! I can't admit when I'm wrong! I can't be nice to people! I can't open my heart up! I can't hold a friendship for more than a year! I can't hold a good relationship because I fuck it up! It seems as if I do everything wrong! and I've seen it for so long and I can't stop! It seems as if everything is going great for me and I say hey why don't I fuck it up so I can cry! I had a great guy and I threw him away I changed him and made him be the way he is and I couldn't stand it, but I did it to myself! I'm so stupid! but I can't stand being told what to do and I can't stand having to ask if I can do something. I can't stand fighting and then talking without time to breathe and think things through! I can't stand being mad at Paul even though he does everything and more for me!! I can't stand how he would jump off a bridge for me and I dunno about me!!???! I'm so lost about myself!!!