qaf_giftxchnge gift!

[amelialourdes]

I thought I'd repost this here for my own reference. It's my gift for the qaf_giftxchnge held here on LJ and IJ. The link to it is here but you have to join the community (and I recommend you do!). That post is locked but this post here will be public. Hope you enjoy it!

To: abrokencompass
From: amelialourdes
Title: One Step At A Time
Gift Request: abrokencompass has requested Brian getting cancer while Justin's with Ethan.
Rating: R
Summary: Michael tells Justin that Brian has been absent from all of his favorite activities and that leads Justin to investigate. Canon applicable to late Season 2 and early Season 3. Hopefully this fulfills all gift requests for abrokencompass. Enjoy!

Justin hears about Brian from Michael.

Brian hasn't been stopping by the diner. Brian hasn't been going to Babylon. Brian has been avoiding everyone.

It isn't like him and Justin can't help but worry. Even though he's with Ethan, he still cares, and he can still feel concerned if Brian's pulling away from everyone that he knows and the places that he frequents. Justin thinks about stopping by the loft but if Brian isn't going to respond to them then why would he respond to him?

They haven't spoken or seen each other that often. Not only has Justin been keeping his distance because of Ethan but because it still hurts to see him. It's been almost six months and whenever he's run into him it's one biting comment after another. Justin knows that it's Brian's defenses coming up. Brian doesn't want Justin to see that he's hurt too. That isn't good enough for Justin.

Justin makes up an excuse so that he can enter the loft. He leaves a message on Brian's machine and tells him that he has to stop by. He says that he's forgotten a sketchbook and he's sure that Brian won't know where to look for it.

When Justin knocks on the door, Brian slowly pulls back the door.

Justin's eyes are on his pale, weak frame, and it shocks him. "Brian," he says, surprised and worried.

"That's my name," Brian replies, voice hoarse.

"What is going on with you? You're so pale," Justin notices, wanting to reach forward but he keeps his arms at his sides. He applauds his own restraint.

"Nothing," Brian walks away from the door and takes a seat at his desk. "I'm fine."

"The fuck you are," he mutters and walks over to the desk. "Brian, you're freaking me out. Tell me what's wrong. Should I call for an ambulance?"

"Don't be such a drama queen," Brian spins in his chair to turn away from him but Justin just follows him, standing in front of him so he can't turn away from him. "Justin, I said ---" Brian can't finish his sentence. He stands up, pushes past Justin and rushes to the bathroom.

Justin can hear him emptying the contents of his stomach and he cringes when he hears the noise. He's been with Brian when he's sick but this is something else. Brian isn't that pale when he's just feeling ill. Justin should know.

Without hesitating, he walks up to the bathroom, and stands there in the doorway.

"Get the fuck out!" Brian uses all the energy he has to yell at him but even that sounds weak to Justin.

"You won't tell me what's wrong? I'm not leaving," Justin drops his bag on the floor to emphasize his point. Rolling his sleeves up, he walks away from the bathroom to go to the kitchen. He grabs a glass, filling it with water, and returns to the bathroom. Stepping over Brian, he places the glass on the sink, and grabs a small towel from the towel rack. In the sink, he pours cold water on the towel, and rings it out until it's just damp.

Brian watches him from the floor but thankfully, he doesn't say anything.

"Drink," Justin tells him, taking the glass, and handing it to him. Brian's arm can hardly move. He stretches it toward Justin, trying to grab for the glass when his arm makes its descent back down to his jeans. Justin bends down so that he's almost at Brian's level and hands him the glass that way. This time, Brian's able to take it, and takes a small sip from it. "A little more," Justin coaxes him. He can tell Brian's making an attempt to glare at him but he's failing.

Once Brian's done, he places the glass on the counter, and grabs the wet cloth. Justin smooths it across Brian's face, wiping down the beads of sweat that have formed.

Brian turns suddenly and dry heaves into the toilet. Justin's right there, his hand pressing against Brian's back, and rubbing in slow circles to comfort him.

"Is this a really bad flu?" Justin asks when Brian finishes. He hopes that since he's in a vulnerable state so he'll just give him an answer instead of having to pry it out of them.

Even when sick, Brian manages to be resilient. "No."

Justin reaches for the glass of water again and makes Brian drink it. He wipes him down to cool him off again and Brian closes his eyes to Justin's touch. It's brief but it happens. Justin wants to reach out and comfort him somehow. Brian would never let him.

"Go home, Justin," Brian says to him in a voice so quiet that Justin struggles to hear it.

"I'm not gonna leave you like this."

"Why not? You've left me before," the words come quickly and they cut into Justin. He's also pretty sure that Brian doesn't realize what he's saying. Their breakup is something that Brian's never addressed, not in front of him.

"Brian ..."

"Just go," Brian repeats, quietly.

"You can't hide in here forever," Justin reminds him and stands up.

He's leaving but he'll be back. Now he thinks that it's a good thing he's never returned his key to the loft. If Brian hasn't changed them yet, the key's going to come in handy.

He returns to Ethan's place and he hears the sound of the violin before he opens the door. Even when Justin says hello to him, Ethan doesn't stop playing. He doesn't stop playing until he's reached that final, perfect note.

"Hey, Jus," Ethan smiles once he acknowledges his presence and walks over to kiss him.

Justin's just getting a bottle of water and returns his kiss before sipping it.

"What's up? You should've been home from the diner a while ago," he notices.

"I had to make a stop," he rubs the back of his neck and takes another sip of water before walking over to sit on the old, uneven couch.

"You okay? You look like someone just killed your dog or in our case, the cat," Ethan chuckles and walks around to sit on the opposite end of the couch.

"It's nothing," Justin tries to shrug it off and takes another sip.

"Come on, you can tell me."

Justin remembers that he used to be able to tell Ethan anything. Before they got together, he used to tell him everything that was wrong about being with Brian. He isn't sure what he was doing when he was saying those things. But he knows now that he had been trying to justify his behavior, his cheating on Brian. That's what he did to him. It would've been different if he told Brian that he was fucking Ethan more than once but it never happened.

Brian didn't even care if he was with someone else. There were moments where Justin thought that he cared. Sometimes he'd look at him and scrutinize him, knowing that there was something beneath the surface. They never talked about it. They tried to fuck their problems away.

Brian never told him to stay. He never said that he wanted to be with him. Justin wanted to be wanted. Justin wanted to hear that he was wanted.

But, now Justin isn't sure. The way that Ethan's been treating him lately, he isn't sure if he's really wanted here either. Ethan is fine on his own. Justin is fine on his own. They act so much as individuals that it's difficult to distinguish them as a couple.

"I went to see Brian."

Whenever Justin mentions Brian's name to Ethan, Ethan gets this look on his face. He's told him that it's because he's angry that Brian's influence has been ingrained in Justin so deeply but Justin knows that that isn't it at all. Ethan's displayed nothing but jealousy and an overt display of possession whenever they're in front of Brian. It makes Justin feel embarrassed, wanting to apologize on Ethan's behalf.

He remembers Brian shoving aside any guy that Justin danced with at Babylon. Now that turned (turns) Justin on but having Ethan do it in front of Brian or any other man makes him feel apologetic or embarrassed.

"Brian?" And Ethan uses a tone when he says Brian's name, as if it's an obscene word.

"Yeah, Brian. He hasn't been feeling well."

"Yeah, well, it isn't up to you to make him feel better. He has a variety of tricks there on a rotating basis. One of them should make sure that he's okay."

Ethan's just finding new ways to piss him off every day. "It isn't up to you to decide what I can and can't do for him."

"Oh, so do you want to go back there and take care of him? Is that it? You really wanna go over there so he can just fuck someone in front of you to prove some kind of point?"

"You know what?" Justin asks, standing up, and Ethan stands up too. Ethan will not be looked down upon. "I'm really getting fucking tired of you questioning my every fucking move. Why weren't you here for dinner, Justin? Why don't you join me for lunch anymore, Justin? Did you fuck someone at Babylon, Justin?"

"Hey! I've never said ---"

"No, you haven't. But when you ask me those things? That's what you're telling me. You don't trust me. You think that because I lived with Brian, that I turned into Brian, and I can't be faithful. That is bullshit, Ethan!"

"I ... I don't ..." He can't deny anything that Justin tells him, the guilt is written all over his face.

"Ethan, we ... we live our own lives. Other than you checking up on me, things aren't the way that they used to be when we got together."

"Justin, don't, please. Let's talk about this first when we're not so ... when our feelings aren't so heightened."

Justin's ready to break up with him right now and Ethan can feel that. But, he does agree that he can't talk to him when he's feeling this worked up. He has to have some space and some time to think about what he wants to say to him.

"All right," he agrees. "Look, I'm gonna spend the night at my mom's. I have to drive my sister to school tomorrow anyway. So, I'll be over there."

Ethan nods and opens his mouth to speak but he wisely chooses not to say whatever it is he wants to say. Justin silently thanks him for the restraint. "Okay, see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I'll call you."

Justin gathers the things that he needs to bring to his mom's house and he stops in front of Ethan before he leaves. They kiss each other goodbye, both having to put a little effort into the half-hearted kiss, and Justin leaves.

Being at his mom's place will give him a little time to think about what it is that he's doing. It will give him a little perspective on the relationship that he's in.

Well, he hopes it does.

---

The following day, Justin brings Molly to school, and he realizes that he doesn't have a class until the late afternoon. He's supposed to take a shift at the diner before then but he's still feeling a little worn out from the shift he had yesterday. The customers were feeling extra grabby.

He calls Deb and asks her for the day off. She tells him, "You do what you need to do, Sunshine. Get some rest and relaxation. We need our Picasso well-rested."

She has so much faith in him that it makes him smile.

Once the phone call's over and done with, he stares at his sketchpad. The computer is with Ethan in his apartment and he's just not ready to talk to him yet but he does have a project to work on. He could do some really quick sketches and then transfer them to the computer when he's near it again.

But, the project is the last thing on his mind.

He should be thinking about school. He should be thinking about Ethan and their problems. He should be wondering about who's going to pick up Molly. Instead, he thinks about Brian.

It's only 9 in the morning. Brian should be at work.

Well, then he won't mind if Justin stops by to deliver some supplies for the ill.

He goes to the store first, picking up something that will help with the dehydration, and he buys some canned soup (low sodium) just so Brian has something to eat that he may keep down. With that thought, he also goes to buy some crackers for him. Crackers and soup has always been a winning combination for him.

He has the key to the loft still attached to his keychain. He's thankful to find out that Brian hasn't changed the lock on the loft door or the code to get into his building.

Once he's inside, he closes the door behind him, and when he turns around, he faces the same Brian he witnessed yesterday. It scares him out of his mind and he almost drops the bag that he's holding.

"Shit! Brian," he stands there for a moment to regain his composure and walks to the island in the middle of the kitchen. "What are you doing here? It's a weekday. I thought you'd be at work."

"I can take off for the day if I want to. Better question is, what the fuck are you doing here?"

"Well, I was just gonna drop off these groceries so that you don't dehydrate or starve to death and then I was gonna be on my way." Justin begins to take out what he's bought and places them on the counter with the intention of putting them away.

"I'm not an invalid. I'm capable of going to the store." Brian walks over to one of the stools against the counter and takes a seat to watch Justin.

"I'm sure you are and I also know that that doesn't necessarily mean that you'll actually go. So, just thank me already."

It takes a minute but Brian does mumble a quiet, "Thanks."

Justin finishes putting everything away in silence. The Gatorade stays on the counter.

"Brian, are you gonna tell me what's wrong with you or am I gonna have to keep guessing?" he doesn't look at him as he asks but he looks at him when Brian doesn't respond to him. They get into a staring match until Brian turns away.

Justin thinks that he isn't going to say anything to him but then he hears him.

When he hears him, Justin freezes in place. His hands are on the counter, fingers spread, and he feels a cold chill move through him. He's staring at nothing, an imaginary speck of dirt or dust on the counter top. Everything's moving very slowly for him and it feels like an eternity as he lifts his gaze.

Brian's looking back at him and slowly blinks, pulling his lips into his mouth, "Did you hear me?"

"I ... I don't know," Justin thinks that he's the one who's going to need the Gatorade. His throat is incredibly dry as he tries to speak. "You said that ... you have cancer?"

"That's what they tell me. Some trick who was blowing me was a doctor and gave me a quick diagnosis."

Justin doesn't even care about the trick right now. All he can hear is "cancer" and "doctor" and he looks at the man in front of him, feeling his heart clench. He's never known Brian to be anything but invincible. This is a man who can be anything, do anything, give him anything. This is a man who makes him feel incredible one minute and can bring him down the next.

"Brian, I ---"

"Don't," he stops him from speaking.

"Does anyone else know?" Justin crosses his arms in front of him and manages to move his legs. They're no longer stuck in place. He walks to stand directly in front of Brian.

"No," Brian shakes his head.

Justin's the only person that he's told. "You can't do this alone, Brian. You need someone to help you."

Brian says nothing and walks over to sit on the couch. Justin follows him and takes a seat on the opposite end. "Falling into old habits? I thought you were done stalking me."

Justin can't help but smile a little, remembering his old habits pretty well. He remembers yelling up to this floor as if Brian was here and waiting for him to come. His ideas of love had been silly and adolescent. It's nothing like he's imagined it.

"You think that you can do this alone."

"I've been just fine on my own."

"Yeah, that was pretty obvious yesterday when you were praying to the porcelain gods."

Brian just shrugs and stretches his legs out on his coffee table that costs more than Justin's education.

Justin knows that Brian isn't going to talk about this with him, not like this. This is the most that they've said to each other in the past six months. For Justin, it feels comfortable. It feels easy to be with Brian this way without the pressure of their relationship.

"Have you eaten anything?" he ends up asking him. Brian looks down and shakes his head. "I'll go make you something."

Justin stands and walks into the kitchen, taking what he needs for the soup that he's bought. He should call his mom to ask for her chicken soup recipe. Chicken soup doesn't cure cancer but it's comfort food. Hopefully it's a comfort to Brian. He turns on the stove and begins to heat the soup, occasionally stirring. When he's finished, he brings the soup, and a bottle of water to Brian on a tray.

Brian looks terrible and he isn't even sure if he's going to get this down but he has to try.

Once the tray is settled in Brian's lap, Justin sits on the opposite end of the couch again. "How long have you known?"

"Couple of months," Brian picks up the spoon and hesitantly dips it into the soup.

"You've been going to the doctor?"

Brian nods and swirls the utensil around in the bowl. He picks up some of the broth and brings it to his lips, taking a small sip of it. Well, it's a start.

"Had a couple of rounds of pre-surgery chemo. Actual surgery scheduled in a couple of days," he tells him.

"Surgery? What's the ---"

"Testicular cancer. The fucking irony of it all," he manages a smirk and glances at Justin. Justin isn't smiling back. "And then more chemo," Brian continues.

"I'll take you."

"What?"

"To your surgery. They'll probably want someone to take you home afterward."

"And how are you gonna do that? Take me around on your tricycle?"

"Ran out of insults to throw at me? Need some time to recuperate between them?" Brian rolls his eyes and Justin knows that he has him. "I'll take your car and ---"

"The fuck you are. You're not ruining my car."

"That Jeep's been through everything and you're worried about me ruining it?"

Brian looks surprised and Justin wonders why. "I bought a new car. It's a two-seater."

Now Justin knows why. "Oh," he says with surprise. "I'll borrow my mom's car. She's not gonna miss it."

"No."

"Why not?"

They both stare at each other, each thinking of the million and one ways to answer that question. Brian blinks slowly and his gaze falls back on the coffee table.

"You're fucking exhausting," Brian mumbles and then brings his feet back to the floor. Leaving the soup on the couch, he stands up, walks past Justin, and straight into the bedroom.

Justin stares at the untouched soup and sighs. Bringing the bowl to the kitchen, he just puts it in the fridge in case Brian wants to eat something later.

When he closes the door, he holds on to the handle, and asks himself what he's doing. He isn't supposed to care this much about someone who let him go so easily. If Brian really cared, he would've asked him to stay six months ago.

When he looks toward the bedroom, watching Brian rest on his side, he realizes that what's past is past. It doesn't matter if Brian doesn't ask him to stay to help him. That's never really stopped him before and it isn't going to stop him now.

For now, he leaves. He has a class to get to.

---

Turning on his cell phone after class, he sees that he has two new messages. The first one is from Ethan, asking him to come home after his class is over. Well, he can't avoid the inevitable and he doesn't have his sister as an excuse today.

The second message is brief but makes him smile. It's Brian and he says only one thing, "11:30." Then he hangs up.

He's glad that he's changed his mind about this. There's a feeling that's settling in the pit of his stomach that feels really familiar. It feels like trust and it feels like hope. He tries to squash it quickly, remembering his reality. Just because Brian will allow him to do this one thing for him just means that he needs a little help. Brian's always said that a man knows when to ask for help. He's asking Justin and Justin tries to pretend that that doesn't mean the world to him.

---

He and Ethan work out their problems until Ethan asks why he has his mom's car. When Justin skirts around the reason and the first response that comes to Ethan's mind is Brian, that's it for him. But, Justin knows that that's it for him too.

"You've probably been fucking him behind my back this whole time, haven't you?" Ethan says as Justin begins to pack his things. Justin just scoffs and shakes his head.

"Ethan, you haven't exactly been the picture of chastity and monogamy either. You know that I don't have an issue with that but you could've at least been honest with me." He zips his suitcase and glances over at his computer. "I'll come back for my computer tomorrow."

"Justin ---"

Justin doesn't hear it. He just walks out the door and down the stairs. At least he has the car. He just tosses the bag in the back. He's already a little late and drives straight to the hospital to pick up Brian. After parking the car, he walks through the automatic doors to the front desk, telling the nurse that he's there to pick someone up.

She tells him that he hasn't been discharged yet and gives him the number of Brian's room.

Justin walks the familiar yet unfamiliar corridors of the hospital. It seems like a lifetime ago since he was here. Sometimes, it feels like it was just yesterday.

When he walks into Brian's room and sees the IV line in his hand, hears the sound of the machine beeping that monitors his pulse, he instantly forgets about anything that he's gone through while here. This is the first time that Justin's ever seen Brian truly helpless, giving up the control he loves to possess because he has no other choice. Justin's familiar with the feeling.

Despite every voice in his head that screams at him not to walk inside, his body doesn't listen, and he goes to sit in the chair beside the bed.

Justin says nothing. Brian's probably awake for all he knows.

Brian's hair is getting longer and Justin reaches forward to push the loose strand of hair away from his forehead. Brian's eyebrows twitch when he does that and his eyes slowly begin to open.

Justin's heart begins to race, nervous and anxious. How is Brian going to react to him being there?

"You're early." That's the first thing Brian says, his voice hoarse, throat dry.

"Yeah, I had some time to kill," Justin gets up and grabs a cup, filling it with water from the pitcher. He holds it close to Brian's lips so that he can take a sip. He can tell Brian's trying to raise his arm but he's still a little weak. When he's through, Justin keeps the cup in his hand, and stands by the bed. "Do you want me to get a nurse or something?"

"They've been coming around every few minutes. She'll be back."

Justin nods and sits in the chair again. "How you feeling?"

Brian stays silent for a moment before he speaks, "Like someone just took my ball out."

That isn't supposed to make Justin laugh but for some reason it does. Brian's still keeping his sense of humor about this as morbid as it is.

"They put in a plastic one."

That's new information. "You probably told them to replace it with something larger so that you can say you have the biggest balls in Pittsburgh."

"That's impossible. That honor goes to you." Now Justin's pretty sure that Brian's still high from whatever drugs they've given him.

A nurse enters the room and she's pleased to see that Brian's awake. She checks his vitals, tells him that his doctor will be in to see him, and he can be discharged.

In the meantime, they wait.

Justin has nowhere to be today. Well, he'll call Debbie to ask if he can stay there tonight, maybe have his old room back, but that's the only thing that needs to be done. Everything else can wait. Brian's still a little drowsy but he manages to keep up his end of the conversation.

They talk about nothing in particular. Justin tells him about school and Daphne and all the things that they haven't said to each other in six months. None of it is serious. They avoid any topics that can turn serious. Brian's just gone through major surgery and this is isn't the right time.

They're still talking when the doctor comes in but the conversation halts.

The doctor says, "I'm happy to tell you that the surgery was a success, Mr. Kinney."

Hearing the news makes Justin feel relief but it's only temporary. They need to kill all cancer cells and this entails high treatments of chemotherapy. The doctor says that they'll schedule it when he's rested and to call him. When he gives him the okay to leave, Justin helps him get ready.

"No," Brian says after the doctor's left.

"No, what?"

"No, you're not gonna mother me and baby me and feed me more soup or pancakes or whatever."

"I don't think that I've ever fed you pancakes," Justin smiles as he helps Brian out of bed.

"Drop me off. I'll be fine."

"Are you gonna tell anyone else?" When Brian says nothing and Justin hands him his clothes, he sighs. "Then you kinda leave me no choice."

"Why? Why the fuck does it matter to you?"

Justin is trying very hard not to lose his temper, keeping himself composed. Brian's just gone through surgery and he doesn't want to aggravate him. While he's calming himself down, the truth hits him quickly, and he turns to look at Brian just as he's pulled his shirt over his head.

"Just because I left, it doesn't mean I stopped loving you. Whether you think that's stupid or not or bullshit or not, it's the truth, okay?" Justin already knows that he thinks it's bullshit. He knows what he wants to say and he just tries to interrupt him before Brian's able to get anything out. "Seeing you in pain ..." Justin pauses, taking in a deep breath to continue. "I know that nothing can compare to what we went through with the bashing but we, we help each other, Brian. Whether we're together or not, if you need me, all you have to do is ask, and I'll be there."

"That's incredibly sentimental of you. Did you have a few before you came over?" Somehow the remark doesn't come off as cutting and there's no sting behind those words. Justin somehow now knows the difference between a Brian that's intentionally out to hurt him and a Brian that says those things for the sake of being Brian. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. Things that had hurt him just six months ago seem like things he'll be able to easily forgive now.

Whether it's because he's been with Ethan and has had an opportunity to gain some perspective looking back at their relationship, fixating on their relationship, always comparing and contrasting the two, he isn't sure. But, he's definitely gained something during that time.

"Come on, let's get out of here."

Brian finishes changing back into his clothes and then the nurse takes him out in a wheelchair while Justin gets the car.

Once it's parked in the front, he helps Brian into the passenger seat. Brian threatens to cut off his balls if he helps him with the seatbelt. Justin just holds his hands up in surrender and walks back to the driver's seat.

Their ride to the loft is silent but it's comfortable enough.

Parking in an empty spot, Justin grabs Brian's duffel bag from the backseat, and helps him into the building. They take the elevator up with Brian leaning against him a little. Opening the door to the loft, he eases them inside, leaving the door open for now while he helps Brian get into bed.

"Usually we're doing this at a quicker pace and with fewer clothes on," Brian observes, groaning as he's eased down into bed.

"Haven't done that in months."

"You mean, good sex?"

"Ha."

Justin props a pillow behind his head and Brian's hand comes up, gently circling around Justin's wrist. They both look at one another. Even after months of not talking, even after Brian's just gone through surgery, even though he's just broken up with Ethan, the chemistry between them is always undeniable.

Justin wants to kiss him and that makes him feel like an asshole.

Using every ounce of strength he has, he just gives Brian's hand a squeeze.

"I'll get you some water."

Justin takes his time when he goes to the fridge and asks himself what he's doing. He can do anything right now. He can call Michael and tell him to take care of his friend. He can call Emmett or Ted, two people that Brian can trust to keep his secret and check in on him.

But, no. He doesn't want to do any of that. Being with Brian and helping Brian just feels right. He's not naive enough to think that any of this means that they're getting back together. He doesn't expect it and he doesn't want it and he's pretty sure that Brian doesn't want it either. This is just a friend doing a favor for a friend.

When Justin turns around to look at the bed to find Brian staring back at him, he repeats that last phrase in his head over and over again to convince himself that it's true.

---

No one finds out about Brian's cancer. Brian wants to keep it that way. He has a new campaign that he's trying to work on and as a partner in his agency, he's been given the okay to work from home.

Justin becomes a regular fixture in Brian's life once again.

After the surgery, sometimes he drops in to make sure that Brian's eating, and doing what he needs to do to recuperate. The chemo starts soon afterward and Justin picks him up from the hospital, staying long hours at the loft as Brian deals with the side effects.

Justin lives with his mother again and not Debbie. Debbie will just ask too many questions that Justin's not prepared to answer. He knows that everyone is talking, the group knows that Brian has been seeing him, but they never say anything to him so he doesn't worry about it.

One night, Brian loses it with him, and screams at him to leave.

"No," Justin states, standing directly in front of him, hands on his hips and daring him to do more or say more.

"Why the fuck not? Christ, you dump the fiddler and wanna come running back?" Justin doesn't flinch. He doesn't ask how Brian knows the truth. He doesn't want to know nor does he care. His reasons for being here have nothing to do with Ethan.

"At least I'm not hiding behind hospital doors. At least I'm not sneaking into the loft while you're asleep to make sure that you're okay." Justin registers the look of surprise on Brian's face. Even though it happens only briefly, Justin knows when he has him. "Yeah, I knew about your little visits to the hospital at night. I woke up one night and the nurse on duty asked if I wanted to see you since you were just outside. But, no, I wanted you to come in on your own. I wanted you to come in and ask me if I was okay. I wanted ... Jesus, Brian! I just wanted ... was it too fucking much for you to ask me to stay? Was it too fucking much for you to just give me a little bit of what I wanted?"

Brian looks weak, weaker than he had been when he first yelled. He hasn't been eating much and he's often dehydrated since he throws up almost every hour. His hand reaches out for the counter, holding on to it to keep himself upright. Things begin to calm down the longer they both stay quiet. Brian finally breaks the silence, "I thought that I did."

Justin looks down, staying where he is while Brian makes it back to bed. He isn't sure whether or not he should stay or leave. He ends up staying.

Justin promises himself that that is the last time that they talk about their relationship.

---

Almost a month has gone by since the surgery and since the breakup with Ethan. He sees Ethan every once in a while and they remain civil for the most part. It's when he finds out that he's been taking care of Brian that things go south. Ethan makes sure to avoid him after making that discovery but not without getting in one last dig about knowing Justin would run back to Brian after they were officially through.

"But, I never really had you. Did I? How could I ever compete with the great Brian Kinney?"

Justin returns with, "How could I ever compete with your music?"

Justin knows that Ethan will always put music first. That's the difference between them. The flowers, the music, the romance, all of it was only temporary. When the novelty passed, Justin started to remember the things that were and still are very important to him. Brian will always be on that list.

He's also thought about Brian's words, giving him the things that he wanted. Brian had given him everything that he wanted. All he wanted to know was that he was worth more than a trick on his birthday, that Brian gives a shit if someone else is worshiping his cock or if someone else kisses him.

Justin realizes that he's at fault too, never voicing these things, only giving Brian an ultimatum when he already had someone waiting in the wings. Instead of telling him to stay, he made sure to push him far, far away, giving him the out to do what he wanted.

Not anymore. It's not going to happen like that again.

Justin returns to the loft only to find it empty. Brian goes to work once in a while so he may be there. Opening the door to leave, he finds Brian there.

"I was just looking for you," Justin states what he thinks is the obvious.

"Found me," Brian walks inside, dropping off his briefcase, coat, and a bag on the kitchen counter.

"What's that?" Justin points at the bag.

"Dinner. Thought you might be hungry."

This is the first time that Brian's thought of dinner for the both of them. It's been a diet of food that Brian may or may not be able to digest. He must be feeling better to want to try to eat something else.

"Yeah, I could eat."

They both walk around the counter, getting what they need so that they can eat. They bump into each other near the fridge. Their bodies make contact before their eyes do. They remain close together, looking at one another, unmoving. Justin should know by now that Brian always makes the first move. But, he forgets when Brian's lips quickly descend upon his.

It takes him by surprise and he wants to resist but he can't. He doesn't realize how much he wants this until he feels Brian's lips moving against his.

Justin's fingers tangle in Brian's hair, the chemo taking some, and he remembers not to pull too much or at all. His hand ends up settling behind Brian's neck, groaning into the kiss. He's forgotten how good it feels, how much electricity moves through his body when they kiss.

They stand there next to the fridge, just kissing. Brian's body presses against his and Justin can feel how hard he is but Brian pulls away first.

They're both breathing hard when they separate, Brian's forehead resting on Justin's, Justin's fingers clutching his shoulders as he tries to collect himself.

"My ..." Brian begins and Justin interrupts.

"I know." The fact that Brian says it at all, says that he can't have sex because of his current physical condition, speaks volumes to Justin. Brian revealing a vulnerability like that is so rare, admitting something that he isn't able to do is rare. Justin isn't going to push him. He can wait.

They end up doing a lot more kissing during dinner and then after dinner and Brian wants to take some of the edge off for Justin but Justin wants to wait for him. Brian isn't ready yet but Justin will be there when he is.

---

Brian lasts about another week until he's ready to have sex with Justin. He no longer feels nauseated, he seems to be eating regularly and keeping it down. These events seem to build Brian's confidence and, of course, help strengthen him.

Brian calls Justin over one evening and kisses him the second he walks through the door.

Clothes fly off in all directions, Brian tugging Justin toward the bed, and removing the rest of his clothing while in bed.

Brian takes the lead, kissing Justin all over until he's begging, and then fucking him with his fingers before fucking him with his cock. Brian only hesitates briefly when his cock is pressing to Justin's hole. It's the first time in a long time for the both of them and Justin has forgotten how good it feels with Brian.

Brian doesn't close his eyes, keeping them focused on Justin. He's completely attentive to him, stroking his cock as he gets fucked, and that sets him off quickly. Brian begins to laugh afterward and Justin follows suit. It reminds Justin of his very night here in the loft as a virgin, cumming too quickly. He's not that much older but it transports him back to that time. This time is more lighthearted, fun but meaningful.

Brian leans down for a kiss before he starts to pump his hips again.

This time, Justin lasts longer, and he and Brian experience their orgasms together.

It's intense and completely overwhelming for Justin. When Justin opens his eyes to look at Brian, that content look on his face, he can't help but smile and leans in to kiss him. It's the first time in a long time that he's seen on Brian's face. Before this, it's been all worried lines, angry creases, and permanent frowns. This time, Brian smiles back at him.

Brian rests on top of him, Justin's hand caressing his back, and also incredibly content. No, this is more than contentment. He's happy.

---

Brian's declared free and clear four months after the surgery, the rounds of chemotherapy, and after getting back together with Justin.

It's inevitable that the rest of the group finds out that they've reunited.

Brian visits Justin at the diner during his shifts, Brian makes a return to Babylon with Justin by his side, and he's been open to seeing his friends again.

Justin knows that things are different this time. He's learned from the mistakes that he'd made and he promises himself that he'll try not to make the same mistakes again.

But, these are things that he hasn't said to Brian yet. Brian's just recently spread the word about the cancer. It's as if he didn't want to tell anyone the bad news unless there's good news to go along with it. Since then, they haven't left Brian alone. It's been a never ending parade of visitors to the loft and they haven't had a chance to be alone. Justin doesn't live in the loft but it feels like he does. He's there almost all the time now. He's even moved his computer back since he needs to work on projects.

Once Michael, Ted, and Emmett have left for the night, Justin stands at the sink to wash some dishes. Brian slides in behind him as if he doesn't have enough room to move around him. His body presses Justin forward against the counter and he turns his head to meet Brian's lips.

"Thought they'd never leave," Justin murmurs as he turns around to get more comfortable. Grabbing the towel, he wipes his hands, and circles his arms around Brian's neck.

"Next time, we don't feed them. They just keep coming back for more," Brian nuzzles Justin's neck and Justin smiles when he feels that.

"Speaking of which," he places his hand over Brian's heart, pressing his palm to his chest. "I keep coming back for more and you haven't said anything about it yet." Justin looks at him and Brian just raises his eyebrows. He's almost sure that he isn't going to hear anything from Brian now but since when has that ever stopped him? "I didn't tell you what I wanted. I didn't tell you how unhappy I was. I didn't say anything to you because I didn't really think that you'd care." Brian looks away now and Justin brings his fingers to Brian's chin, making sure that he's looking at him when he speaks. "I know that you do give a shit. If you didn't, you'd be kicking me out or finding some way to push me away."

Brian doesn't deny that. Justin says nothing but Brian doesn't pull away. Instead, Brian leans in for another kiss. "I want you here," Brian speaks and averts his gaze before looking back at Justin.

Those are words that Justin never thought that he'd hear and he takes a second before he can respond. "I want to be here. I know that we're gonna fuck up. Everyone does. I just want us to fuck up a little ... less this time."

"Okay," Brian nods.

"Okay?" Justin smiles, wrapping both arms around him again.

Brian's hands move down to Justin's ass, giving him a firm squeeze, "Okay."

They seal the arrangement with a kiss and great sex to confirm it.

Justin knows that they've both made mistakes in the past. It's time to move on from them. Between Justin's bashing and Brian's cancer, he thinks that there is some kind of karma that should allow them some relief for a little while. Meanwhile, they're going to take everything one step at a time.