bones sinking like stones...
I got your message. And I cried my eyes out. And I listened to Coldplay like an idiot. And I really don't want to miss you... but you are still a part of me. I can't listen to music without thinking about you and the stupid things we did. I am so damn proud of every stupid thing we did. I know I shouldn't be, but the thing is we were so real. You aren't real and you probably never were, but we were. Tearing myself away from you was the single hardest and most emotional thing I have ever had to do in my life. I get physically ill when I think about the conversations we used to have and how it was you and me against the world. And it still is, I'm sure. But now its you and me against each other too. And actually I know you aren't against me, but you were never for me. and you were never good for me. And I'm only against you because I have to be. Because you drove me to that point. And I killed the part of you in me that hurt every time you used me, or took advantage of me, or lied to me or blamed me for your personal failures. But the part of me that loves us and our memories refuses to go away. I hate memories too now.
I miss driving. I don't do that anymore. Partly because I'm far away. (and thank god I am because everything home reminds me of you.) I miss everything about the way life used to be. I even miss the bad sometimes.
I think about our conversations about death a lot lately. And the big tree in your driveway where we would sit in my car and talk about things that were so deep we couldn't even really comprehend them... we just knew that we felt them. I miss sitting there and prank calling people with the A*Teens version of Dancing Queen. I was thinking the other day about the day, in fall, when we took "modeling" pictures of ourselves underneath that huge tree in your yard. It was around the time of the fall drama. We were with Gareth and Dillon and we were sooooo unbelievably stupid and naiive and we thought we could change everybody and the world. (starting with those two idiots). That was the best time of our lives. We thought we were so miserable then but we looked back on it and ached for things to be that simple again. Even now I look back on that and think I'd give anything to feel that way again. We thought we were so misunderstood... like we were straight out of a Dashboard Confessional song... we were so stupid.
And then we changed. You started to hurt people and I started to get hurt... a lot. And you went to extremes to make some point that no one will ever really know... and I followed behind you trying to keep you from killing yourself and making some horrible mistake that, looking back, i should have just let you make. Even though you made enough even with my help. And you grew to depend on me and i stuck around because i wanted nothing more than to find a way back to that feeling of freedom and understanding we had had earlier.
What I wouldn't give right now to be sitting in your room filming music videos to all of the songs on Jagged Little Pill. or in my basement with you teaching me how to dance like Britney. Or sitting on my couch with the mouth disease and watching Along Came Polly for 2 weeks straight. I almost miss the mouth disease. Or to be standing on the HP stage performing every song from Wicked and taking turns so that we could both get to be Elfeba for Defying Gravity. or cutting class in the girls bathroom of the technology wing, the one with the amazing accoustics, so we could go sing Danny Boy in kick ass two part harmony.
All this means is that its time to grow up. Ironic considering you hated that concept so much more than I ever did, and yet here I am wishing myself back in time. I mean I don't really wish it. My life is good now. I am actually happy for the first time in a very long time. I wish you could know that... but you probably wouldn't be happy about that anyway.
I think about you and us all the time. I think about how bad things got at the end. and how i really couldnt see just how bad they were until i got away from it. I wasn't blind to who you really are, even though everyone thought i was. I just didn't care... i didn't want to give up on you. I feel like a failure. But i know there is only so much a person can do. You weren't the same person you were 2 years ago. And I know you will never admit that, which is why this situation has been a dead end from the begginning. Maybe someday when you grow up... and I mean emotionally more so than in the way you live your life... we can talk about this for real. For now, even though "you'll always be a part of me", this was just something i needed to get out.
I miss driving. I don't do that anymore. Partly because I'm far away. (and thank god I am because everything home reminds me of you.) I miss everything about the way life used to be. I even miss the bad sometimes.
I think about our conversations about death a lot lately. And the big tree in your driveway where we would sit in my car and talk about things that were so deep we couldn't even really comprehend them... we just knew that we felt them. I miss sitting there and prank calling people with the A*Teens version of Dancing Queen. I was thinking the other day about the day, in fall, when we took "modeling" pictures of ourselves underneath that huge tree in your yard. It was around the time of the fall drama. We were with Gareth and Dillon and we were sooooo unbelievably stupid and naiive and we thought we could change everybody and the world. (starting with those two idiots). That was the best time of our lives. We thought we were so miserable then but we looked back on it and ached for things to be that simple again. Even now I look back on that and think I'd give anything to feel that way again. We thought we were so misunderstood... like we were straight out of a Dashboard Confessional song... we were so stupid.
And then we changed. You started to hurt people and I started to get hurt... a lot. And you went to extremes to make some point that no one will ever really know... and I followed behind you trying to keep you from killing yourself and making some horrible mistake that, looking back, i should have just let you make. Even though you made enough even with my help. And you grew to depend on me and i stuck around because i wanted nothing more than to find a way back to that feeling of freedom and understanding we had had earlier.
What I wouldn't give right now to be sitting in your room filming music videos to all of the songs on Jagged Little Pill. or in my basement with you teaching me how to dance like Britney. Or sitting on my couch with the mouth disease and watching Along Came Polly for 2 weeks straight. I almost miss the mouth disease. Or to be standing on the HP stage performing every song from Wicked and taking turns so that we could both get to be Elfeba for Defying Gravity. or cutting class in the girls bathroom of the technology wing, the one with the amazing accoustics, so we could go sing Danny Boy in kick ass two part harmony.
All this means is that its time to grow up. Ironic considering you hated that concept so much more than I ever did, and yet here I am wishing myself back in time. I mean I don't really wish it. My life is good now. I am actually happy for the first time in a very long time. I wish you could know that... but you probably wouldn't be happy about that anyway.
I think about you and us all the time. I think about how bad things got at the end. and how i really couldnt see just how bad they were until i got away from it. I wasn't blind to who you really are, even though everyone thought i was. I just didn't care... i didn't want to give up on you. I feel like a failure. But i know there is only so much a person can do. You weren't the same person you were 2 years ago. And I know you will never admit that, which is why this situation has been a dead end from the begginning. Maybe someday when you grow up... and I mean emotionally more so than in the way you live your life... we can talk about this for real. For now, even though "you'll always be a part of me", this was just something i needed to get out.