I Woke Up In A Car
Hallelujah
I'm only writing this here because my annonymous journal isn't working and I'm so out of it I need to write something somewhere.
I can't even function today.
I guess it's a bad mix of depression and anxiety.
I can't handle this.
I can't do all of this.
I'm only 16! I can't be this strong. I can't carry this heavy of a load.
I have 11 classes because I'm trying desperately to get into college. I'm working part time. I'm taking care of my mother. I'm cooking and cleaning. I'm helping plan Brittany's wedding. She wants me to make her dress. And I'm trying to write.
I'm just so stressed I'm having trouble breathing.
I have SO much homework to do tonight. But I can't concentrate long enough to get it done. I have a whole project due for World Religions that has to be done tomorrow. And Clark says he won't take it late. I haven't even had a chance to start it. I'm so sick of fast food and we have no food in the house so I guess I'll just skip dinner tonight. But mom's hungry so I have to go fix her something. I have a bunch of shit to get done for College Composition.
Abrahams, Coates, and Dickinson want to use the story I'm hoping to turn into a novel for Sci Fi Lit. But I gave Coates a copy of the first half of chapter one and he completely tore it apart. Saying I need to expand on basically everything. And have to rewrite the whole thing. Which is the second time in the past like 3 weeks that I've been getting hardcore negative feedback.
So now I'm back to square one of maybe writing isn't cut out for me, and maybe college isn't cut out for me. And I'm gonna be stuck living in my parents house working a 5-9 job to support them.
I'm worried about paying mom's medical bills because we can't right now. I'm worried about my medical bills. And dad's because he's having trouble walking.
I'm worried about paying for the house. I'm worried about buying fucking groceries. We just don't have the money. And dad can't get a job because mom can't be alone for that long.
I'm not sleeping well. I'm staying up late to babysit mom because she doesn't like being alone at night and my dad has been going to do the taxes. So I have to sit up till he gets home watching late night trash tv with her. Then I go to bed have nightmares and get up and work on whatever I can.
My body is losing it. I'm sleeping through all the classes I can. I'm only keeping up on my work because I'm copying off other people's papers. I have nothing AT ALL done in Advanced Algebra. Not one packet. I don't know how to do anything in that class. Or in Chemistry. I haven't done anything for Career Ed.
My therapist said about 2 months ago that she thought it would be good if I went and stayed in Colorado for a while. To get away from all the stress and responsibilities here in the homeland. But i don't have the time right now. Not with mom and all my classes. It just isn't going to happen.
My body is breaking down. I'm getting sick, I'm getting weak, I'm just plain pathetic.
With all this mixing together it won't surprise me if it just gives up in a bit. If I just pass out. Black out.
I just need something to ease all of this.
I just need some times to breath. To sort everything out. I can't do this. All the progress I made from 9th grade. It just feels like it's slipping away.
I have no time anymore. If I do it probably because I'm not doing something I'm suppose to.
I feel like shit.
Tell me that you're alright.
Yeah everything is alright.
I'm only writing this here because my annonymous journal isn't working and I'm so out of it I need to write something somewhere.
I can't even function today.
I guess it's a bad mix of depression and anxiety.
I can't handle this.
I can't do all of this.
I'm only 16! I can't be this strong. I can't carry this heavy of a load.
I have 11 classes because I'm trying desperately to get into college. I'm working part time. I'm taking care of my mother. I'm cooking and cleaning. I'm helping plan Brittany's wedding. She wants me to make her dress. And I'm trying to write.
I'm just so stressed I'm having trouble breathing.
I have SO much homework to do tonight. But I can't concentrate long enough to get it done. I have a whole project due for World Religions that has to be done tomorrow. And Clark says he won't take it late. I haven't even had a chance to start it. I'm so sick of fast food and we have no food in the house so I guess I'll just skip dinner tonight. But mom's hungry so I have to go fix her something. I have a bunch of shit to get done for College Composition.
Abrahams, Coates, and Dickinson want to use the story I'm hoping to turn into a novel for Sci Fi Lit. But I gave Coates a copy of the first half of chapter one and he completely tore it apart. Saying I need to expand on basically everything. And have to rewrite the whole thing. Which is the second time in the past like 3 weeks that I've been getting hardcore negative feedback.
So now I'm back to square one of maybe writing isn't cut out for me, and maybe college isn't cut out for me. And I'm gonna be stuck living in my parents house working a 5-9 job to support them.
I'm worried about paying mom's medical bills because we can't right now. I'm worried about my medical bills. And dad's because he's having trouble walking.
I'm worried about paying for the house. I'm worried about buying fucking groceries. We just don't have the money. And dad can't get a job because mom can't be alone for that long.
I'm not sleeping well. I'm staying up late to babysit mom because she doesn't like being alone at night and my dad has been going to do the taxes. So I have to sit up till he gets home watching late night trash tv with her. Then I go to bed have nightmares and get up and work on whatever I can.
My body is losing it. I'm sleeping through all the classes I can. I'm only keeping up on my work because I'm copying off other people's papers. I have nothing AT ALL done in Advanced Algebra. Not one packet. I don't know how to do anything in that class. Or in Chemistry. I haven't done anything for Career Ed.
My therapist said about 2 months ago that she thought it would be good if I went and stayed in Colorado for a while. To get away from all the stress and responsibilities here in the homeland. But i don't have the time right now. Not with mom and all my classes. It just isn't going to happen.
My body is breaking down. I'm getting sick, I'm getting weak, I'm just plain pathetic.
With all this mixing together it won't surprise me if it just gives up in a bit. If I just pass out. Black out.
I just need something to ease all of this.
I just need some times to breath. To sort everything out. I can't do this. All the progress I made from 9th grade. It just feels like it's slipping away.
I have no time anymore. If I do it probably because I'm not doing something I'm suppose to.
I feel like shit.
Tell me that you're alright.
Yeah everything is alright.