friends
So I haven't posted in here in a while. It seems like I'll probably stop using this blog... or already did. But maybe I'll post here randomly when I feel the urge to, like right now.
Today I was thinking about my friends. It seems like whenever I think for a long time, I get sad. Or at least not happy. Like I was just keeping to myself tonight when I got back from home, and one of my friends asked me why I was sad. I guess I looked sad because I'm normally all happy-bouncy, and being somber is such a stark contrast to my normal self. But I said I wasn't sad.. I just wasn't happy. And I thought that was true at the time, but it turns out later that I was actually sad. Anyway, I got all nostalgic about old friends and I was thinking about them, and then I was thinking about friends I have here... it doesn't seem like I have that many close friends. Well, I do have some close friends, but I don't feel like they're as close as my close friends in high school were. I don't feel comfortable around them all the time... and lots of times it's like they don't really know me. Maybe it's because I've been trying too hard all this time to make sure people are happy... so no one really knows who I am. I don't know... But yeah.. tonight I was acting a lot like my high school self, and some of my friends were confused. And when I say "friends" here, I mean actual friends, not acquaintances. Acquaintances tend to avoid me when I'm not actively bouncing off the walls.
It's surprising how many people will walk by you without acknowledging you if you're just sitting there.
Anyway, I'm not sure why I was sad. I guess I was just thinking about losing my friends.. or losing contact with them, which has tended to happen to me in the past when I don't see them every day anymore.. and I thought I would try to keep in touch with my high school friends more, but that hasn't really happened, and now I feel weird around most of them, too. I don't want it to happen again... for the third time... yeah, but that's not for a while.
I used to think I was a loner, but I'm quite the opposite. I can't do anything alone. I crave the companionship of other people... I need their acceptance and their happiness. I guess that's why I've always been kinda lonerish in high school: because I'm afraid that if I do anything wrong, people's opinions of me will drop. So instead I don't do anything. Not exactly a great solution... but I guess no one really hates me right now. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if at least one person hated me.. sometimes I wish someone would.. then maybe I would actually be an existing human, instead of some robot who makes everyone happy.
Yay for rambling rants. Emo?
Namárië.
Today I was thinking about my friends. It seems like whenever I think for a long time, I get sad. Or at least not happy. Like I was just keeping to myself tonight when I got back from home, and one of my friends asked me why I was sad. I guess I looked sad because I'm normally all happy-bouncy, and being somber is such a stark contrast to my normal self. But I said I wasn't sad.. I just wasn't happy. And I thought that was true at the time, but it turns out later that I was actually sad. Anyway, I got all nostalgic about old friends and I was thinking about them, and then I was thinking about friends I have here... it doesn't seem like I have that many close friends. Well, I do have some close friends, but I don't feel like they're as close as my close friends in high school were. I don't feel comfortable around them all the time... and lots of times it's like they don't really know me. Maybe it's because I've been trying too hard all this time to make sure people are happy... so no one really knows who I am. I don't know... But yeah.. tonight I was acting a lot like my high school self, and some of my friends were confused. And when I say "friends" here, I mean actual friends, not acquaintances. Acquaintances tend to avoid me when I'm not actively bouncing off the walls.
It's surprising how many people will walk by you without acknowledging you if you're just sitting there.
Anyway, I'm not sure why I was sad. I guess I was just thinking about losing my friends.. or losing contact with them, which has tended to happen to me in the past when I don't see them every day anymore.. and I thought I would try to keep in touch with my high school friends more, but that hasn't really happened, and now I feel weird around most of them, too. I don't want it to happen again... for the third time... yeah, but that's not for a while.
I used to think I was a loner, but I'm quite the opposite. I can't do anything alone. I crave the companionship of other people... I need their acceptance and their happiness. I guess that's why I've always been kinda lonerish in high school: because I'm afraid that if I do anything wrong, people's opinions of me will drop. So instead I don't do anything. Not exactly a great solution... but I guess no one really hates me right now. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if at least one person hated me.. sometimes I wish someone would.. then maybe I would actually be an existing human, instead of some robot who makes everyone happy.
Yay for rambling rants. Emo?
Namárië.