whistle while you work
Relationship talk. Back away while you still can.
N is a fairly independent guy; he's never needed me to make his doctor appointments or to cook for him to make sure he eats while I'm away. None of the crazy stuff you see people talking about online. In fact, he's far better at dealing with the practicalities of life than I am.
However, a tumblr post recently made me realise that I had taken on to remind him to do things, and that isn't healthy for our relationship either. He is a grown man, perfectly capable of running his life, and my acting differently not only infantilises him, but also makes me annoyed that he "never does anything".
So I made a conscious effort to stop reminding him of stuff. I no longer bug him to make that dentist appointment, return his library books, or buy moisturiser. If he won't do those things on his own, then he will live with the chipped tooth, pay the late fees, and feel it in his skin, and that is his choice and I need to respect that. His life is not for me to run, nor is that something I'd want to do.
What to do with our joint things is still something of a work in progress. N will do things when they inconvenience him (he runs out of clean clothes or glasses, or can't fit things in the bin anymore), but there are things that can't be left done until it bothers you. I shudder to think what, for example, our sheets would look like if I left changing them up to N.
If I tell N we're cleaning the kitchen or changing the sheets, he does comply without any moaning, but it still leaves me in the undesirable position of the nagging wife. I don't want to do everything on my own, but at the same time I don't want to be the only one who remembers stuff. I'd like for him to actually care about our home and how we live, not just do things when I tell him to or he can't put it off any longer.
I'm pondering how to deal with those parts. I've told him all of this (I wouldn't post about it otherwise), but I'm not sure it has had an effect. Maybe a household chore chart?
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. You can also comment there using OpenID.
N is a fairly independent guy; he's never needed me to make his doctor appointments or to cook for him to make sure he eats while I'm away. None of the crazy stuff you see people talking about online. In fact, he's far better at dealing with the practicalities of life than I am.
However, a tumblr post recently made me realise that I had taken on to remind him to do things, and that isn't healthy for our relationship either. He is a grown man, perfectly capable of running his life, and my acting differently not only infantilises him, but also makes me annoyed that he "never does anything".
So I made a conscious effort to stop reminding him of stuff. I no longer bug him to make that dentist appointment, return his library books, or buy moisturiser. If he won't do those things on his own, then he will live with the chipped tooth, pay the late fees, and feel it in his skin, and that is his choice and I need to respect that. His life is not for me to run, nor is that something I'd want to do.
What to do with our joint things is still something of a work in progress. N will do things when they inconvenience him (he runs out of clean clothes or glasses, or can't fit things in the bin anymore), but there are things that can't be left done until it bothers you. I shudder to think what, for example, our sheets would look like if I left changing them up to N.
If I tell N we're cleaning the kitchen or changing the sheets, he does comply without any moaning, but it still leaves me in the undesirable position of the nagging wife. I don't want to do everything on my own, but at the same time I don't want to be the only one who remembers stuff. I'd like for him to actually care about our home and how we live, not just do things when I tell him to or he can't put it off any longer.
I'm pondering how to deal with those parts. I've told him all of this (I wouldn't post about it otherwise), but I'm not sure it has had an effect. Maybe a household chore chart?
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. You can also comment there using OpenID.