and it only took 17 years
Thanks to my father being an alcoholic, no matter how functioning one, I've been skittish about alcohol since I was a kid. To my lizard brain, a glass of wine with dinner is equal to blackout drunk - if it's alcohol, it's bad.
I would never try to dictate anyone else's alcohol consumption but it's been enough of a problem for me that I can't get close to people who drink. I don't care if they have a glass of cider when I'm not there but I just can't have them drinking in my presence.
Although I didn't ask him to do so, N basically went teetotaler for me when we got together, because I made it clear that I wouldn't start anything with him if he drank. It was an absolute thing for me.
He did drink when he was away from me, as I recently learned. I was a lot less bothered about that than the fact that he'd felt the need to go behind my back. That's not the kind of relationship I want to have.
It did clue me in on the fact that maybe it wasn't such a black and white thing for me anymore, though. I gave it some thought and figured out that while the thought of alcohol at home still causes a total panic mode, I could probably deal with it if it happened in a restaurant or pub.
So one day we went for a pizza before a movie, and I asked if he'd like a glass of wine with his (my father is strictly beer and spirits man, so I thought it would be an easier start). I did feel quite apprehensive at first but relaxed when it became clear I couldn't detect any difference in N's behaviour. We left it at that but then sometime later we had a pub lunch with another couple and I told N I wouldn't mind him having a pint. That went over well, too, and we've done it a few times since then.
I think the distance from my father has helped me to relax a bit but the circumstances of the drinking also matter (not at home, with food, not enough to get drunk). I cannot see ever getting drunk myself, and I have profound doubts about someday being comfortable with seeing a loved one drunk, but I feel a lot better about myself because of this.
Although he has never complained or tried to make me change my mind, I have felt guilty for making N deny himself something he enjoys, especially since he's not the blackout drunk type of guy, just someone who likes a pint with his burger.
It's weird to witness these changes in yourself, even when they're welcome.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. You can also comment there using OpenID.
I would never try to dictate anyone else's alcohol consumption but it's been enough of a problem for me that I can't get close to people who drink. I don't care if they have a glass of cider when I'm not there but I just can't have them drinking in my presence.
Although I didn't ask him to do so, N basically went teetotaler for me when we got together, because I made it clear that I wouldn't start anything with him if he drank. It was an absolute thing for me.
He did drink when he was away from me, as I recently learned. I was a lot less bothered about that than the fact that he'd felt the need to go behind my back. That's not the kind of relationship I want to have.
It did clue me in on the fact that maybe it wasn't such a black and white thing for me anymore, though. I gave it some thought and figured out that while the thought of alcohol at home still causes a total panic mode, I could probably deal with it if it happened in a restaurant or pub.
So one day we went for a pizza before a movie, and I asked if he'd like a glass of wine with his (my father is strictly beer and spirits man, so I thought it would be an easier start). I did feel quite apprehensive at first but relaxed when it became clear I couldn't detect any difference in N's behaviour. We left it at that but then sometime later we had a pub lunch with another couple and I told N I wouldn't mind him having a pint. That went over well, too, and we've done it a few times since then.
I think the distance from my father has helped me to relax a bit but the circumstances of the drinking also matter (not at home, with food, not enough to get drunk). I cannot see ever getting drunk myself, and I have profound doubts about someday being comfortable with seeing a loved one drunk, but I feel a lot better about myself because of this.
Although he has never complained or tried to make me change my mind, I have felt guilty for making N deny himself something he enjoys, especially since he's not the blackout drunk type of guy, just someone who likes a pint with his burger.
It's weird to witness these changes in yourself, even when they're welcome.
Originally posted at Dreamwidth. You can also comment there using OpenID.