Highly Susceptible to the Power of Suggestion
This thought has been hounding me for quite sometime now, and I really do not know what to make of it. I wonder if it is real or just an illusion. Genuine or a knock off. But how is it possible to have "knock off" feelings, aren't all feelings real? A feeling is a feeling, something you feel, how can love ever not be genuine? When is it fake? What constitutes it being so?
If it consumes you and touches you deep within in, whether it be right, it is still a feeling, a genuine feeling. So I ask myself. Do I still love you. Have I been in love with you this entire time. I have been teetering on this observation and can't make heads or tails out of it. My mind set now is that of a total different me, one that I never even knew existed. But why? Is it because I just put all my feelings aside for you, on hold. The thing that I said I would never do? Or that I really am just living for me now? See I am so clueless though, I feel like a virgin lost in this new found territory, though I take to it like a fish to water. I think I just miss the love we shared. I think that because it was the last love I had I miss it more. No love is ever forgotten. Moved on but never forgotten. I think that all love is true. Wether it be right or not, at the time for the reasons, in those circumstances, its real.
But how can I tell now? Because I can't love another, I wont love another. But I'm not trying to either. But I question myself why that is. Is it because I am afraid or because I am waiting for you? I will admit I never felt more love than yours. However I honestly can say I have not been looking for it either. Because I haven't wanted it. It seemed like I was always in love, always committed and never...
What's the word I am looking for. The love that I gave always succeeded the love that was returned. Not that it really mattered, but when it came down to it, it really did. Only because I got tired of being, always, being the one. I don't want to be the one any more. "I am not the one" (Where have I heard that before?)
This new journey though, I'll tell you, has certainly taken me on some awesome new excursions. But I think I am ready to re-evaluate again and re-assess my life. This life style is outrageous and I have become addicted. So much that I honestly think I have begun to develop a problem. I am addicted. I am completely addicted to sex. The more I get the more I want. And I always have to get what I want. But I am beginning to become dulled to "casual" sex. Its great its fun but I begin to miss that extra. The intimacy.
But wait a minute, have I forgotten, isn't this how I met you...
I have tried to whole causal intimacy thing but damn is it complicated and for some reason I get scared and run away from it. I do think that I might be scared to get close to another again. Now why?!
That is the question because I have never been scared to get close, I have always been so open and so willing and...maybe that is it. Like I said and I lived it to the fullest. "Obviously everything that I was doing before wasn't working, so lets try the opposite." Clever change I thought but I don't think that I actually know what I want. How can I figure this out? Because I seriously feel lost.
But it is true that is how we came to be. This excursion of mine, its not new, its continued. Hmmmm, I wonder now where do I go from here.
If it consumes you and touches you deep within in, whether it be right, it is still a feeling, a genuine feeling. So I ask myself. Do I still love you. Have I been in love with you this entire time. I have been teetering on this observation and can't make heads or tails out of it. My mind set now is that of a total different me, one that I never even knew existed. But why? Is it because I just put all my feelings aside for you, on hold. The thing that I said I would never do? Or that I really am just living for me now? See I am so clueless though, I feel like a virgin lost in this new found territory, though I take to it like a fish to water. I think I just miss the love we shared. I think that because it was the last love I had I miss it more. No love is ever forgotten. Moved on but never forgotten. I think that all love is true. Wether it be right or not, at the time for the reasons, in those circumstances, its real.
But how can I tell now? Because I can't love another, I wont love another. But I'm not trying to either. But I question myself why that is. Is it because I am afraid or because I am waiting for you? I will admit I never felt more love than yours. However I honestly can say I have not been looking for it either. Because I haven't wanted it. It seemed like I was always in love, always committed and never...
What's the word I am looking for. The love that I gave always succeeded the love that was returned. Not that it really mattered, but when it came down to it, it really did. Only because I got tired of being, always, being the one. I don't want to be the one any more. "I am not the one" (Where have I heard that before?)
This new journey though, I'll tell you, has certainly taken me on some awesome new excursions. But I think I am ready to re-evaluate again and re-assess my life. This life style is outrageous and I have become addicted. So much that I honestly think I have begun to develop a problem. I am addicted. I am completely addicted to sex. The more I get the more I want. And I always have to get what I want. But I am beginning to become dulled to "casual" sex. Its great its fun but I begin to miss that extra. The intimacy.
But wait a minute, have I forgotten, isn't this how I met you...
I have tried to whole causal intimacy thing but damn is it complicated and for some reason I get scared and run away from it. I do think that I might be scared to get close to another again. Now why?!
That is the question because I have never been scared to get close, I have always been so open and so willing and...maybe that is it. Like I said and I lived it to the fullest. "Obviously everything that I was doing before wasn't working, so lets try the opposite." Clever change I thought but I don't think that I actually know what I want. How can I figure this out? Because I seriously feel lost.
But it is true that is how we came to be. This excursion of mine, its not new, its continued. Hmmmm, I wonder now where do I go from here.