Like a lightning bolt
My mind races with thoughts and words today. And it's a jumble. I've been back through a lot of my history here and some things are totally cringe-worthy. Despite that, I stand by all of the words. Soul/Cee told me in a comment 8 years back that I still needed to write regardless. He said if I don't feed it, then it's going to feed on me. Well, Soul, you were right on with that comment. It's been feeding on me. It's past time to feed my demons back.
I suppose if you know me IRL, and fly in here that you may tend to think of me as totally unstable as you read some of this. I'm really not. I have issues just like anyone else. Most peeps keep it within themselves...a darker side...we all do...I just tend to drop the stuff here within LJ. Have you wondered what someone else thinks? I write that down. It's cathartic. It's releasing. It's the world as I know it as seen with my eyes. It's my perception, my perspective, my muse. It won't necessarily be yours or someone else's. I write what I feel is important. You might totally get me or maybe you won't. Some days when the mind isn't totally clear, you'll read a rant or just a jumble of crap. It's just the way that it is. Like Friday's post, for example, was completely all over. Onwards.
I feel I failed Crush this past week. He was walking down the hall towards me as I was walking out to a different area. Our eyes briefly met and he seemed to have a different expression on his face, one that I can't determine as good or bad because I've never seen it before. Maybe it was amusement? I dropped my head and gazed away, filling with anxiety. We passed each other, he didn't say anything, I didn't say anything. But the thing is I should have. My actions sometime are reprehensible. It's like I tell this person how much I care about them then this is how I act?! Wtf, bitch? I amaze even me sometimes. I'm kicking myself because of it. Idiot. I know I can do and be better.
Crush swirls in and out of my mind constantly. I want to know him so much better than I do now. I want to know what's in his mind, his dreams, his secrets. I want to know what he's into. But just because I want this doesn't mean he does or would even want to. This is why I'm in so much anguish inside myself. I don't know what to do with these feelings now that they surfaced. I'm confused by them. I'm even angered by them. I've done a complete 360 turn. It's like I've just been zapped by a lightning bolt with 3 years of hidden emotion behind it. It's hard to deal with and I'm not sure what I can do with it if anything.
I suppose if you know me IRL, and fly in here that you may tend to think of me as totally unstable as you read some of this. I'm really not. I have issues just like anyone else. Most peeps keep it within themselves...a darker side...we all do...I just tend to drop the stuff here within LJ. Have you wondered what someone else thinks? I write that down. It's cathartic. It's releasing. It's the world as I know it as seen with my eyes. It's my perception, my perspective, my muse. It won't necessarily be yours or someone else's. I write what I feel is important. You might totally get me or maybe you won't. Some days when the mind isn't totally clear, you'll read a rant or just a jumble of crap. It's just the way that it is. Like Friday's post, for example, was completely all over. Onwards.
I feel I failed Crush this past week. He was walking down the hall towards me as I was walking out to a different area. Our eyes briefly met and he seemed to have a different expression on his face, one that I can't determine as good or bad because I've never seen it before. Maybe it was amusement? I dropped my head and gazed away, filling with anxiety. We passed each other, he didn't say anything, I didn't say anything. But the thing is I should have. My actions sometime are reprehensible. It's like I tell this person how much I care about them then this is how I act?! Wtf, bitch? I amaze even me sometimes. I'm kicking myself because of it. Idiot. I know I can do and be better.
Crush swirls in and out of my mind constantly. I want to know him so much better than I do now. I want to know what's in his mind, his dreams, his secrets. I want to know what he's into. But just because I want this doesn't mean he does or would even want to. This is why I'm in so much anguish inside myself. I don't know what to do with these feelings now that they surfaced. I'm confused by them. I'm even angered by them. I've done a complete 360 turn. It's like I've just been zapped by a lightning bolt with 3 years of hidden emotion behind it. It's hard to deal with and I'm not sure what I can do with it if anything.